Does anyone have a narcissistic mother?

[Seductive]

If you're easily disturbed by sexual abuse or have a hard time believing that a mother can commit heinous acts, please don't read.

 

I'm just curious to see if anyone is in the same boat. A mother is supposed to be loving, nurturing, and protective. Did anyone have a mother that had a lack of empathy or that looked the other way when you were in dangerous situations?

 

My step-dad molested me as a child, while my mom looked the other way. My mom claims that she had no idea, but I feel like she did. There were signs all over the place. When I told her the details at age 24 about my step-dad sexually abusing me, she chose to stay married to him for financial reasons. She also wanted me to continue to live with her and him. My mom is an Indian immigrant that doesn't believe that an adult woman has the right to do as she pleases. My mother wanted me to live with her forever and follow her rigid rules. While many parents raise their children to move out at age 18, my mother would yell at me for even thinking about moving out. She wanted me to live with her forever and be a submissive daughter. She didn't understand that living with my step-dad would be psychologically damaging for me. She also doesn't understand that it's unhealthy to control someone, their mind and their decisions.

 

When I was being bullied in school and had no friends, my mom also looked the other way. I see many parents take their children out of schools or fight with the faculty to ensure that their child is safe. Since my "rich and posh" school made my mom look good in front of her friends, she told me to just put up with the bullying and how my school was the best school in the state. Since there's evidence that bullying causes great damage and suicides, I don't understand why a parent would want their child to just go through it. I also find it odd that a 40- something parent is so preoccupied with impressing her group of friends. Isn't that what teenagers do? How can a mother tolerate seeing her child coming home crying or isolating herself in her room? I don't have kids, and I feel bad just seeing a kid at the mall crying. I have the urge to soothe someone's pain when I was see someone crying. My mom doesn't have this in her.

 

 

When an ex-boyfriend was abusing me in graduate school, my mom again looked the other way and minimized it. She told me that she didn't know what was going on, but I clearly told her "My ex tells me I'm fat, ugly and stupid. He keeps pressuring me to have sex." All what she said was "Stop crying. You must have done something to irritate him. All boys want sex." What? I would imagine that a normal mother would do anything to make sure a harmful man doesn't bother her daughter. My mom doesn't seem to understand that it's wrong to pressure someone into unwanted sex, and that it's also wrong to destroy someone's self-esteem.

 

I have tried to keep civil with my mom and step-dad over the years, but am at the point where I think I need to sever ties. My parents will never understand the harm they have done, and they're still trying to get me to be the person that they want me to be. They say they want me to be happy, but they think that their version of happiness is what makes me happy.

 

 

I'm not trying to get sympathy and have worked through these issues, but it feels like other people have healthy parents that protect their children.

 

I'm at my happiest now that I live alone, have a well-paying job and am around friends that respect my feelings. I moved thousands of miles away from my parents, but they are unaware that moving was my way of getting away from them. My sexually abusive step-dad thinks that his actions were helpful and my mother thinks she's the best mom in the world.

 

 

My mother is getting money, glamour, fame, and a fancy house by staying married to my step-dad. Since my step-dad didn't abuse my mom, I think my mom is justfiying herself staying with him. I'm sure many other moms would rather leave and be poor than live with a man that hurt their child. Unfortunately, my mother's fascination with money and needing a man to take care of her is more important.

 

This is what I mean when narcissist mothers put their own needs before their children.

 

 

Anyone else with the same type of mom?

Edited October 17, 2012 by Seductive

[sweetkiwi]

yeah. Same here. Stop talking to her. You need to put yourself first because obviously no one else is going to.

[Seductive]

Sweetkiwi, do you mind if I ask how your mom is similar? Thanks for the response. It just feels like this is something that most people don't experience.

 

It's even worse when people (like your family) deny your reality.

[fucpcg]

Our mother (of 7 children) was horrific, along the lines of fitting the mother in Mommie Dearest. I once went 11 years without talking to her, starting about age 18 when I decided I would go off on my own and take all pending risk, over keeping an open bridge to her in case of actually needing a mother. I don't believe you have any obligation to any person on this planet who does not treat you with decency, even if it is your own mother. I have limited contact with her, and it is a little more than ever since she is elderly and in failing health. I can put the past behind, but she still isn't a woman ready to admit her failures or take any ownership to her actions. So I'll be there for her as she ages, but definitely still from a distance.

[freestyle]

Sweetkiwi, do you mind if I ask how your mom is similar? Thanks for the response. It just feels like this is something that most people don't experience.

 

It's even worse when people (like your family) deny your reality.

 

 

The denial you speak of is very common in abusive situations, whether they're familial, or romantic.

 

Especially with narcissistic abusers---They are absolutely incapable of owning, or recognizing any faults with their own behaviors--so they will deny,deny,deny...............even when presented with irrefutable evidence.

 

Which becomes a type of secondary abuse......Minimizing/trivializing/invalidating someone's experience, and justifiable pain & outrage, just heaps insult on top of injury.

 

 

I'm so sorry you went through that, Seductive--I know how painful it can be. Both of my parents were so completely self-absorbed, that I really feel like I raised myself---I was essentially ignored, unless I was getting hit.

Only once did my mother acknowledge that my father's irrational rages were way out of proportion to my "offenses". (like threatening me with physical punishment, when I was blowing my nose too much at night, keeping him awake)

 

Aside from that one acknowledgment--I was dismissed, and told that "he's my father" and I had no choice but to "put up, and shut up". So I do hold her responsible for keeping us kids in an abusive situation like that.

 

 

A little bit of validating reading (which could be triggering, at the same time it's enlightening) is an article entitled, "Harpy's Child" that describes the experience of being raised by an NPD mother very accurately---it should come up with a google search. I'd like to recommend it, if you're looking to gain more insight into what you've been through.

 

oh heck, I'll just go ahead and link it for you..

https://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/

[spiderowl]

My mother is not like yours. I am sorry to hear of your situation. It sounds to me like your mother lacks empathy and is more comfortable being 'controlled' by a strong man. She doesn't appear to have maternal feelings like you do. She is not likely to suddenly develop empathy. Some people are like that. It's awful that you've had to cope with what you have. I do think you are better off making a separate life for yourself and, if you can, accepting that something in her brain is wired differently and is not likely to change.

 

It might be worth you finding out about support groups though and maybe this is what you are hoping to find here? People here can be very supportive but you might find people who have been through similar things if you contact support groups for children who've had abusive parents.

[Seductive]

Thanks for all of the responses everyone. I want to clarify that my mom can act loving at times, which confused me. She often showers me with materialistic things and can talk about certain things, but she will use my vulnerabilities against me later on.

 

It's confusing to a child when your parent is mean one day and nice the next. I do have support and a therapist, but it's gut-wrenching recalling all of the memories.

 

I do feel different from others where I wasn't taught independent living skills. Little things like me getting nervous cooking in front of others where my friends were raised to cook at an early age can be triggering. Or, me not being a good packer. It's little things like that. My parents wanted to do everything for me as an adult.

[Emilia]

Thanks for all of the responses everyone. I want to clarify that my mom can act loving at times, which confused me. She often showers me with materialistic things and can talk about certain things, but she will use my vulnerabilities against me later on. It's confusing to a child when your parent is mean one day and nice the next.

 

I'm very sorry you are experiencing this, it describes my relationship with my mother perfectly. It hasn't been as pronounced as yours in your original post but my mother will put her needs first. When she feels the loving threatens her state of mind (ie when she feels used because she gives 'too much') she will backpedal.

 

For this reason I keep my distance from her. I've found the push and pull emotionally damaging.

 

I do feel different from others where I wasn't taught independent living skills. Little things like me getting nervous cooking in front of others where my friends were raised to cook at an early age can be triggering. Or, me not being a good packer. It's little things like that. My parents wanted to do everything for me as an adult.

 

Yes they encouraged learned helplessness in you so that you would depend on them forever. My mother keeps trying to tie me to her financially, sometimes trying to give me things (expensive items such as property), the other day she tried to trick me into giving her my bank details so she would use me as a guarantor. She never apologised when I got upset of course.

 

It's good OP that you are conscious of these things, I'm sure confidence will come with practice Good luck with your new path

[gaius]

My mom's a lot like yours Seductive. I could write endless paragraphs of the horror that exists there but I will spare you the long read for today. Just know you're far from alone. If ever bored you should check out The Sopranos, a great story that includes the most accurate portrayal that I've ever seen of narcissistic women who make the mistake of having children. Livia and Janice Soprano.

[sweetkiwi]

to answer your question seductive- the abuse and neglect started in the womb. She was annorexic while pregnant with me, so she subsequently miscarried my twin. Then she left my birthfather and has never told me anything about him or allowed me to have contact with him. Maybe its for the best but i didn't even have an option.

 

While i was only 2 she cheated on the man who raised me, my real dad, with his best fiend. She tried to get custody of my sister and i but she failed the psychiatric evaluation so she decided to accuse my father of molesting me.

 

When she realized i would have an exam she molested me herself. We spent years in court. She brainwashed us into testifying against my father, but he still won the case.

 

So she kidnapped us and took us away from the one person who truely loved us.

 

When things calmed down we went to stay with her sometimes. Then she had my little brother with my dad's ex best friend whom she married. He was often gone and at 6 years old she would leave all night to get drunk or have sex with whoever. And i was left to care for my younger sister and brother. Then she had another baby and same story.

 

During this time my father got remarried. My new stepbrother would sneak into my soon at night and try to take my pants off as i slept.

I warned my sister but was terrified to tell my dad thinking he wouldn't believe us. My sister had woken up and blocked his efforts as well.

 

When i finally told my dad he was pissed but my stepbrother only got grounded to his room...

 

My mom left the country with my brothers for what was supposed to be 2 years and has never returned. Its been 14 years. Because of her i have missed most of my brothers lives.

 

When the abuse by my step brother started again i protected myself and my sister but instead of telling my dad i called the cops. My step mother made me say it was a lie.

 

Fastforward and my mother continues to harm me emotionally. I no longer hate her but i struggle with trying to understand this kind of person. Its on going and will never end. All i can do is be a better person and a better mother.

[Seductive]

Oh my god, Sweet Kiwi-That's horrific, especially the part of her molesting you to make it look like your dad did it! I give kudos for you keeping in touch with her, because I'm at a breaking point.

 

Emilia-There have been topics on LS of adults living at home with their parents. I wish people understood that adults from controlling families don't have the tools or confidence to leave. When people ask me, "Why did it take you so long to leave" or "Why didn't you tell anyone?", it's a hard question for me to answer. I give much gratitude to the psychologist that helped me realize that I could live on my own, and that the real world wasn't as scary as my parents portrayed it to be.

 

I sometimes feel guilty sharing my story, because I then think "What if my mom really isn't that bad? Am I bad for portraying her as evil?" My mom will say that she loves me more than anything, that she hates my step-dad, and that she's willing to help. If that's true, her actions speak a different story.

 

It helps talking to the others, because they can verify what's normal. Your sense of reality gets distorted when you're in a dysfunctional family.

 

Many people do tell me that they're surprised that I'm not a drug addict, a prostitute or dead. So, that makes me feel better.

Edited October 19, 2012 by Seductive

[Seductive]

I'm just wondering if anyone's mother blamed them for being abused by someone else?

 

My mom will deny this, but she has said things in the past like "It's 1% your fault, because you didn't tell anyone" or "You and him were using each other (my step-dad and I), " You must have done something to irritate him"...

 

I don't know how to get over the guilt of why I took so long to move out of the house. I sat there and put up with all of this emotional cruelty and sexual abuse from both my step-dad and my ex.

 

I hate it when people ask "Why did it take you so long?" Go read a book and understand why it takes people so long.

[sweetkiwi]

because a part of you takes all the guilt all the hurt all the pain. You really believe you did something to deserve it. Or provoke it. You think you could have stopped it if only you were stronger or smarter or whatever.

 

Thats what abuse does to a person. It turns you on yourself and even worse makes you think its normal. Because thats all you know.

 

Until you reach out and ask for help or until you see others being happy and ask

why not me? Until you realize it was never your fault. That some people are sick and hurt you on purpose. That you did nothing to deserve such evil.

 

So you heal as best you can. Get all the help you can. Fight the shame and anger and take your life back. Because there's been enough time wasted in the shadows. One day at a time things get better and you remember what hope is. That life is beautiful.

 

And you either become who you are because of the evil, or despite the evil.

 

I choose the latter. And while i have some traits of my mother i will never be her. And even those traits i sometimes hate in myself and have done my best to cultivate the parts of me that make us different.

 

And i know i will be a better person, a better mother, because i want to be.

[Seductive]

I have been getting help for years, but my family sees me as the crazy one for seeking therapy. It's just that the memories are too gut-wrenching. It's like I have obsessive PTSD. Now that I have not talked to my family in two weeks, the PTSD is getting stronger. I can now finally see how evil they are.

 

I just want to be free from the memories and be happy. This is why I think cutting ties in the long run will help. Pretending that everything is okay, forgiving them and trying to be nicey nice to them doesn't work. Everytime I would fly to see them for Christmas, I would go through hell. My body would get sick, my mind would take a toll, I would feel fatigued......

 

What my parents don't understand is that I'm only a moody wreck around them. I'm happy and calm around everyone else.

 

It's hard seeing everyone have normal conversations with their parents. I can't do it. I had to cancel going to my cousin's wedding in Hawaii, because I know I will not be able to handle being alone with my parents for 3 days.

Edited October 22, 2012 by Seductive

[Eve]

Good Lord! I thought I had it bad!

 

OP, others.. I don't even know what to say.

 

My mother was emotionally absent and so a lot of **** happened that should not have happened to me, hence I have worked overtime to be emotionally available to others. Eventually I learned to do this healthily.

 

I usually steer away from calls off narcissism.. but boy!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Seductive]

I'm still looking to find another person that had a mom that blamed him/her for being abused.

 

She's such a bizarre women. She had ran into my sexually abusive ex-boyfriend and even suggested that I get over what he did. She said "He's willing to say sorry. Maybe you just misunderstood his words and what he did." If you think my mom and my step-dad are bad, my ex was worse. I put up with a lot of sexual abuse and name-calling from people, because that's all what I knew.

 

 

Please, please..someone on this forum tell me that they had a mom like mine. Society says parents know best, but she has given terrible advice on love, dating, jobs and life in general.

 

She found out that I'm bisexual, and she told me that I need a man to ejaculate inside me to make sure that my skin looks good. She says she has bad skin, because she isn't having enough sex.

Edited October 22, 2012 by Seductive