Just broke things off with MM... and I feel devastated (update)

[alicia1217]

I posted about a week ago about how I was having an affair with a married man, titled "this affair is killing me..". Well, yesterday I ended things.

 

We only met a few times since that post, and yesterday when we met, I told him it was over. After reading everyone's posts on here, I realized that I don't want to let him to continue to betray his wife and little girls. I explained to him that my fears of his family finding out about us or me getting pregnant were eating at me more and more.

 

After I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, he started to go on in saying that his marriage has been so empty for the past few years and that the 7 months that we were hooking up has been his happiest times in a long time. Then I told him that that's not my fault and that he should probably think about either leaving his wife or fixing up his marriage if he feels that way. I probably sounded mean, but it was the only think that I could think to say at the time. He asked if he would ever see me again and I said "probably not" and I wanted to cry. Before he left, he kissed me and it was the most passionate kiss of my life. He told me that he'll always really care about me and if I never needed anything, I can call him.

 

I got home and I literally haven't stopped crying since then. I couldn't get any sleep last night because I kept thinking about how I was going to sleep alone and upset, and he was going to sleep with his poor wife who would probably never know of this 7 month affair. I couldn't get out of bed to go to my classes this morning. I didn't realize until now that I am so emotionally attached to him and it finally hit me that I would probably never see him again. I know I did the right thing, but why does this hurt so badly? How can I get over him? I already miss him so much.

 

I'm trying to think on the bright side and realize that I'm only 21 and I have plenty of time to find someone but I still want him. Even though this was no real relationship, this feels like a really hard breakup. Is that horrible?

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for your pain. This is going to take time

to heal. I want you to know you did the right thing.

One day you will look back at this and be proud of your

self. You have just saved yourself and others allot of

grief. You have so many years ahead of you and one

day you will find a man that will give you all you deserve.

This could have gone on for years. Try staying

busy to get your mind off this. I am so sorry you are

hurting. Big Hugs

[skywriter]

(((alicia))),

 

This is such a relief to hear this news.

 

My last baby girl would've been around your age had she lived. Well 23 actually.

 

So it really gets under my skin when I hear of older men, persuing young girls.

 

You have really made me smile. You are putting yourself first and also considering the innocent family that he goes home to.

 

You made a poor choice, I did to and my A went on for a couple of months shy of 6 yrs. So, be proud of yourself. You have saved yourself alot of grief and possibly his W too.

 

You just hold on sweetheart, you will get through this ,a stronger, wiser woman.

 

On the subject of grief. I can especially relate to that. I actually ended up going to the dr, there were days I couldn't get up out of bed. The A was bringing me down, in such a pit of doom, that I had to get antidepressants. Yet, I still continued on, anxiously waiting for him to call.

 

How pathetic, I was....putting my life on hold from one minute to the next. Meanwhile, he was living life, never skipping a beat.

 

So, count yourself as very, very wise.

[Pierre]

I posted about a week ago about how I was having an affair with a married man, titled "this affair is killing me..". Well, yesterday I ended things.

 

We only met a few times since that post, and yesterday when we met, I told him it was over. After reading everyone's posts on here, I realized that I don't want to let him to continue to betray his wife and little girls. I explained to him that my fears of his family finding out about us or me getting pregnant were eating at me more and more.

 

After I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, he started to go on in saying that his marriage has been so empty for the past few years and that the 7 months that we were hooking up has been his happiest times in a long time. Then I told him that that's not my fault and that he should probably think about either leaving his wife or fixing up his marriage if he feels that way. I probably sounded mean, but it was the only think that I could think to say at the time. He asked if he would ever see me again and I said "probably not" and I wanted to cry. Before he left, he kissed me and it was the most passionate kiss of my life. He told me that he'll always really care about me and if I never needed anything, I can call him.

 

I got home and I literally haven't stopped crying since then. I couldn't get any sleep last night because I kept thinking about how I was going to sleep alone and upset, and he was going to sleep with his poor wife who would probably never know of this 7 month affair. I couldn't get out of bed to go to my classes this morning. I didn't realize until now that I am so emotionally attached to him and it finally hit me that I would probably never see him again. I know I did the right thing, but why does this hurt so badly? How can I get over him? I already miss him so much.

 

I'm trying to think on the bright side and realize that I'm only 21 and I have plenty of time to find someone but I still want him. Even though this was no real relationship, this feels like a really hard breakup. Is that horrible?

 

You are to be admired! You have empathy for the wife and kids at home.

 

Please be aware that with very few exceptions philandering cheating men always say they have an awful wife at home. This is just to get you in bed.

 

You were on a train no nowhere and now you are free.

 

 

It will be very painful and the only remedy is absolute no contact. No text, phone, email, nothing. Not even re-reading old emails or looking at old photos. If you are strict you will get better promptly. If you break NC your pain will last longer.

 

Anyone can have an affair. What you do afterwards is what really matters.

[skywriter]

Anyone can have an affair. What you do afterwards is what really matters.

 

Right on, Pierre!

[whichwayisup]

You did the right thing..For yourself. He knows that it was the right thing to do as well, he just didn't want it to end because you filled a need he was missing at home.

 

Let yourself grieve the loss. 7 months is not that long (imagine if you had been with him for 2 or 3 years, it'd be harder to walk away and grieve) but it still hurts. Keep busy, surround yourself with friends and family. Talk to those who you trust most so they can help you through this.

[skywriter]

After I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore, he started to go on in saying that his marriage has been so empty for the past few years and that the 7 months that we were hooking up has been his happiest times in a long time. Then I told him that that's not my fault and that he should probably think about either leaving his wife or fixing up his marriage if he feels that way.

 

 

Alicia!!!

 

I am so proud of you, and your post, I go back and read it and just smile all over again. This can only mean good things for you. When you do good things, good things happen.

 

You said, it just right to him, and he'll respect you for it. He knows you were right, if his marriage is empty, then that isn't your burden to carry.

 

Everyday that you are involved that burden gets heavier. You look around one day and you consider how your mind is always wrapped up in this individual that doesn't really have a place in your reality, nor you in his.

 

You feel your identity and your soul eroding, before your eyes.

[alicia1217]

Thank you everyone for your support and sky writer, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

 

I am just worried that I will be so sad, and he'll call me and I'll answer because I just need comfort. But right now I am trying my best to just keep my mind off of him

Edited October 17, 2012 by alicia1217

[skywriter]

Thank you everyone for your support and sky writer, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

 

I am just worried that I will be so sad, and he'll call me and I'll answer because I just need comfort. But right now I am trying my best to just keep my mind off of him

 

Try not to put alot of emphasis on being sad. That's unavoidable, given you were in a 7 month A.

Mostly, rationlise, the reasons, you understand it and you allow yourself the opportunity to go through it and get on with it.

 

You are going to be one smart lady when you accomplish this feat. In control of yourself in a mature way.

 

If you have a way to expend the energy that comes with being anxious, which you will be, then walking, calling a friend, hey, post here, go to gym, vacume the house, bathe your pet, you get the idea.....

 

If you have pics of him, any old text mssgs. his phone number, it won't be over until you can let him go, permanently. Just being real.....

 

It's not easy, I know, just did it all 5 months ago, so I'm still freshly out of it. I had to sit on my hands at times. I kept busy...and I asked myself questions that I never shared with anyone.

 

I admitted to myself, how I was sad, and yet relieved too. How, a part of me missed his presence,yet, I didn't have to wonder when or if I'd see him soon.

 

Those are only a drop in the bucket things, off the top of my head.

 

Mostly, you are more valuable a woman, than to be just a quick hook up.

 

You've been wrapped up with Mr. Wrong, so you may not have recognised a potential, Mr. Right.

[alicia1217]

Try not to put alot of emphasis on being sad. That's unavoidable, given you were in a 7 month A.

Mostly, rationlise, the reasons, you understand it and you allow yourself the opportunity to go through it and get on with it.

 

You are going to be one smart lady when you accomplish this feat. In control of yourself in a mature way.

 

If you have a way to expend the energy that comes with being anxious, which you will be, then walking, calling a friend, hey, post here, go to gym, vacume the house, bathe your pet, you get the idea.....

 

If you have pics of him, any old text mssgs. his phone number, it won't be over until you can let him go, permanently. Just being real.....

 

It's not easy, I know, just did it all 5 months ago, so I'm still freshly out of it. I had to sit on my hands at times. I kept busy...and I asked myself questions that I never shared with anyone.

 

I admitted to myself, how I was sad, and yet relieved too. How, a part of me missed his presence,yet, I didn't have to wonder when or if I'd see him soon.

 

Those are only a drop in the bucket things, off the top of my head.

 

Mostly, you are more valuable a woman, than to be just a quick hook up.

 

You've been wrapped up with Mr. Wrong, so you may not have recognised a potential, Mr. Right.

 

 

 

Thank you very much. Yes, I have passed up a few great guys that came into my life because of this A... How stupid of me. Even if he did leave his wife, he's 36, he wouldn't want to be with me anyway.

[skywriter]

Thank you very much. Yes, I have passed up a few great guys that came into my life because of this A... How stupid of me. Even if he did leave his wife, he's 36, he wouldn't want to be with me anyway.

That's what I'm talking about alicia...

 

There you go sweetgirl, rationalising, already....Oh yea, you can do this....

 

Ummm...excuse me, he wouldn't want to be with me anyway...Got that bakwards missy!

 

you are a catch to be caught, MM's already been caught. No need for any, "even if he did scenarios, in your mind." That's counterproductive thoughts. Doesn't change a thing.

Edited October 17, 2012 by skywriter

[skywriter]

alicia, here's a scenario for you.

 

So MM, comes to you and says,' alicia, my love, I've left the W, and we are free to be together."

 

Well, he's got children and he"ll have them every other weekend.

 

Truly, how well do you know this man? It's kinda scarey if you think about it.

[alicia1217]

alicia, here's a scenario for you.

 

So MM, comes to you and says,' alicia, my love, I've left the W, and we are free to be together."

 

Well, he's got children and he"ll have them every other weekend.

 

Truly, how well do you know this man? It's kinda scarey if you think about it.

 

I did not know that he was married until after we had sex for the first time, and after that he's been honest with me about his wife and family. I can say that I do know him pretty well, unless he's been lying of course but I'll never know.

[skywriter]

I did not know that he was married until after we had sex for the first time, and after that he's been honest with me about his wife and family. I can say that I do know him pretty well, unless he's been lying of course but I'll never know.

 

 

That statement just contradicted its self. Starts off I did not know and the next sentence is I think i know him pretty well.

 

I'm thinking his W believes she knows him too. Just have to find out who you are morally in your heart. You don't owe us any explanations.

 

I can tell you, since I got out of my A. I am getting back to my old self, which is a good thing.

[alicia1217]

That statement just contradicted its self. Starts off I did not know and the next sentence is I think i know him pretty well.

 

I'm thinking his W believes she knows him too. Just have to find out who you are morally in your heart. You don't owe us any explanations.

 

I can tell you, since I got out of my A. I am getting back to my old self, which is a good thing.

 

Well in the beginning, I did not know anything about him and I know I was stupid. But as time went on and we spent more time together I got to know him a lot better. That's good that you are getting back to yourself and I am very happy for you! Now I need to do the same.

[skywriter]

Well in the beginning, I did not know anything about him and I know I was stupid. But as time went on and we spent more time together I got to know him a lot better. That's good that you are getting back to yourself and I am very happy for you! Now I need to do the same.

 

If you can, be around people. Try not to be alone.

 

Five months have past of NC. Obviously I do think of him, being on LS, will contribute to that. It's different thoughts now..

 

Sorry it's all raw for you right now.

[veryhappy]

You have been very strong to end the A, especially considering how young you are. Do not doubt yourself, and do not go back. At your age, if you don't put an end to it, it could scar you for life. Future you will thank you, trust me.

 

If it gets too hard, post here, or if you want yourself wanting to say things seemingly left unsaid, write them here.

[alicia1217]

The thing that tears me up the most is that he did this horrible thing to his wife and she'll never know, she'll continue living and thinking her husband has always been faithful and loving

[veryhappy]

You are free to inform his W. Just think it though beforehand, and make sure it is not for revenge purposes. I am in the category of wives who'd want to know what kind of H I have. Some wives prefer being in denial.

 

Give it some serious thought.

[pteromom]

I am in the category of wives who'd want to know what kind of H I have.

 

A seven month affair? I would want to know!

 

It can even be an anonymous letter if you want to tell her. You have to decide what is the most helpful to you with healing - telling her or just moving on.

 

And - I am REALLY proud of you for breaking it off. You are very strong.

 

As far as knowing him really well, I'd argue that you don't. Obviously, he has been cheating on his wife for 7 months and she doesn't know, so he must be ONE HELL of a liar. I would not assume that what he has been telling you is the truth either.

[alicia1217]

I don't think I would ever be able to tell his wife, mostly for the sake of their children. I would hate to see it come down on them, they are so young and shouldn't have to deal with that

[Pierre]

I don't think I would ever be able to tell his wife, mostly for the sake of their children. I would hate to see it come down on them, they are so young and shouldn't have to deal with that

 

Cheating spouses often forget that they are also betraying their children.

 

A daughter of a friend lost a year of school when she found out her dad was seeing another woman. She became rebellious, started to drink, and says she will never talk to her dad again. Yes, some kids react as bad as the wife.

 

If you must know some betrayed spouses claim that the pain from betrayal is the worst pain ever. Much worse than a normal break up.

[whichwayisup]

The thing that tears me up the most is that he did this horrible thing to his wife and she'll never know, she'll continue living and thinking her husband has always been faithful and loving

 

You tell him that if he contacts you in the future for whatever reason, you'll talk to his wife. If he values what he has at home, he won't contact you.

 

He was the one who chose this cheating path. Sure, you hopped on the cheating train with him, but realized it was wrong and you ended it. That's a good thing. Now it's up to him to either come clean with his wife, or he can use this experience and focus everything into his wife and family (kids) and be the best husband and father.

 

If you feel you need to tell her, then do so, but just know that he may throw you under the bus and make it seem like you were the one chasing him, making you out to be the bad guy in all this. Just own your part in the A, apologize to her and let her know that you will answer any question she feels like asking you.

[alicia1217]

Cheating spouses often forget that they are also betraying their children.

 

A daughter of a friend lost a year of school when she found out her dad was seeing another woman. She became rebellious, started to drink, and says she will never talk to her dad again. Yes, some kids react as bad as the wife.

 

If you must know some betrayed spouses claim that the pain from betrayal is the worst pain ever. Much worse than a normal break up.

 

You're right, even though what he did is wrong and I feel anger that I am so unhappy right now and he is carrying on as usual, I am just going to let it be. I couldn't do that to his little girls.

[firstandlast]

A seven month affair? I would want to know!

 

It can even be an anonymous letter if you want to tell her. You have to decide what is the most helpful to you with healing - telling her or just moving on.

 

And - I am REALLY proud of you for breaking it off. You are very strong.

 

As far as knowing him really well, I'd argue that you don't. Obviously, he has been cheating on his wife for 7 months and she doesn't know, so he must be ONE HELL of a liar. I would not assume that what he has been telling you is the truth either.

 

I just got out of an affair, and the AP and I are both married -- I'm one of three affairs she's had in two years of marriage. What is the point of telling the BS besides revenge?