Author alicia1217 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 I just got out of an affair, and the AP and I are both married -- I'm one of three affairs she's had in two years of marriage. What is the point of telling the BS besides revenge? You're certainly right. It's all up to him if he wants to come clean. I just hope that if he tries to contact me i can't stay strong and ignore him Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 You're certainly right. It's all up to him if he wants to come clean. I just hope that if he tries to contact me i can't stay strong and ignore him He will try to contact several times. Most OWs tend to cave in. Sometimes, it takes many breakups before there is a final one. MM may come up with a different angle and you may buy the story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 He will try to contact several times. Most OWs tend to cave in. Sometimes, it takes many breakups before there is a final one. MM may come up with a different angle and you may buy the story. I really hope he doesn't because I am doing so much worse than I was yesterday and if he offers to comfort me... I might cave in even though I really don't want to Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I really hope he doesn't because I am doing so much worse than I was yesterday and if he offers to comfort me... I might cave in even though I really don't want to It is a brutal addiction. Affair love causes a much greater degree of addiction because you have to break up before the relationship has a natural death. Furthermore, affair love causes more OCD because of the hurdles and forbidden nature. Sometimes we crave with greater intensity what we cannot have. I predict you will cave in a few times and then even say that "this is real love because I tried to leave him and could not do it". It is a repetitive story, nothing special about it. You are an addict and this guy is your drug. Addicts will do anything to get a fix. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 It is a brutal addiction. Affair love causes a much greater degree of addiction because you have to break up before the relationship has a natural death. Furthermore, affair love causes more OCD because of the hurdles and forbidden nature. Sometimes we crave with greater intensity what we cannot have. I predict you will cave in a few times and then even say that "this is real love because I tried to leave him and could not do it". It is a repetitive story, nothing special about it. You are an addict and this guy is your drug. Addicts will do anything to get a fix. Man that's some truth right there Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 It is a brutal addiction. Affair love causes a much greater degree of addiction because you have to break up before the relationship has a natural death. Furthermore, affair love causes more OCD because of the hurdles and forbidden nature. Sometimes we crave with greater intensity what we cannot have. I predict you will cave in a few times and then even say that "this is real love because I tried to leave him and could not do it". It is a repetitive story, nothing special about it. You are an addict and this guy is your drug. Addicts will do anything to get a fix. You are correct. That's some real truth. These past few days I've barley done anything except for class, work, and lay in bed depressed. I was considering getting professional help but there's no way I can afford that, I'm a college student. And if I asked my parents, they would FLIP if they knew of the situation Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 You are correct. That's some real truth. These past few days I've barley done anything except for class, work, and lay in bed depressed. I was considering getting professional help but there's no way I can afford that, I'm a college student. And if I asked my parents, they would FLIP if they knew of the situation You know quite well a college kid has no business dating an old guy with a wife and kids. Let me ask you a question: What would you think of your dad if he did the same thing this MM is doing? What kind of older married man goes after a young college student? You need to understand that underneath the smoothness, suave, kindness, and chivalry of your MM lies a pathetic liar. The man of your dreams is someone you cannot admire as a man. It is up to you to destroy your youth and eventually be called a the "slut form hell" by the wife when she discovers the affair. Don't kid yourself, there will be a d-day if you keep this up and the "bad guy" in the movie will be you. Virtually 99% of cheating men tell the wife OW chased them relentlessly. Nothing good can come of this, but I suspect you will cave in and sleep with this loser again. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 You are correct. That's some real truth. These past few days I've barley done anything except for class, work, and lay in bed depressed. I was considering getting professional help but there's no way I can afford that, I'm a college student. And if I asked my parents, they would FLIP if they knew of the situation Go to your campus doc and get started on antidepression medication to whether this storm. Once you are done you can wean yourself off. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 She doesn't need to take depression medication for a hearbreak. She needs people and support, and the sleazy guy to leave her alone. To fight the depression part of it you can do the following: do not isolate yourself, exercise, ask for help, eat carbs (at the cost of putting on a few pounds, comfort foods will improve your mood), try natural supplemets like St. John's Wort or 5-HTP. This guy got to live a fantasy and I'm so glad his bubble burst. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 She doesn't need to take depression medication for a hearbreak. She needs people and support, and the sleazy guy to leave her alone. To fight the depression part of it you can do the following: do not isolate yourself, exercise, ask for help, eat carbs (at the cost of putting on a few pounds, comfort foods will improve your mood), try natural supplemets like St. John's Wort or 5-HTP. This guy got to live a fantasy and I'm so glad his bubble burst. Ditto...I think it's an abuse of drugs to take them because you're going through a breakup. I mean come on...you're not having a chemical imbalance or mental illness, but heartbreak. It won't be fun, but you go through it and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 Ditto...I think it's an abuse of drugs to take them because you're going through a breakup. I mean come on...you're not having a chemical imbalance or mental illness, but heartbreak. It won't be fun, but you go through it and learn. Sure, antidepression drugs may not be the answer for most. But, a severe depressive reaction regardless of the cause would improve. I am not talking about long term therapy, just enough to get over the hump. These drugs prevent the uptake of serotonin which is not far from going on a diet to promote serotonin levels. I don't disagree with the concept of talking with others, but without these drugs psychiatrists would be no better than your next door neighbor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 You know quite well a college kid has no business dating an old guy with a wife and kids. Let me ask you a question: What would you think of your dad if he did the same thing this MM is doing? What kind of older married man goes after a young college student? You need to understand that underneath the smoothness, suave, kindness, and chivalry of your MM lies a pathetic liar. The man of your dreams is someone you cannot admire as a man. It is up to you to destroy your youth and eventually be called a the "slut form hell" by the wife when she discovers the affair. Don't kid yourself, there will be a d-day if you keep this up and the "bad guy" in the movie will be you. Virtually 99% of cheating men tell the wife OW chased them relentlessly. Nothing good can come of this, but I suspect you will cave in and sleep with this loser again. I know that I made a bad mistake. If my step father (who I consider my dad) did this to my mom, I would be very hurt. Once I got sucked in it was just so hard to get out. I suffered from an eating disorder in high school and had low self esteem, so all the sudden I had this man calling me telling me that I'm beautiful and he wants to see me outside of my job (he was one of our customers, that's how we met) honestly I feel no better than yesterday Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 How are you doing today? Many college campuses have couselors that you can see free of charge if you need someone who you know you can just go vent to. Talk to your friends, family if you can, journal. Stay away from sad music for a bit. This is great advice. There's a lot to be said for the sitting on your bed in your pjs for a couple days eating ice cream and potato chips after a break up... it does make you feel better... but when you feel a moment of dark break, go for a walk. Put on some peppy music, go outside. You can do it. It'll get better. Try and stay away from alcohol and drugs, even antidepressants, they don't really help with situational depression. Just try and get through a few minutes of the pain at a time, and eventually it'll be a few more minutes and then a few more and you'll be ok. Have faith in yourself. Thank you. I am staying away from alcohol right now, personally it has always made me more depressed when I am sad, because when I drink I over think everything. Sadly enough, there is still a part of me that wishes he would call, and I'm wondering why he hasn't. But it's for the better. I don't need him, his children do. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 I know that I made a bad mistake. If my step father (who I consider my dad) did this to my mom, I would be very hurt. Once I got sucked in it was just so hard to get out. I suffered from an eating disorder in high school and had low self esteem, so all the sudden I had this man calling me telling me that I'm beautiful and he wants to see me outside of my job (he was one of our customers, that's how we met) honestly I feel no better than yesterday You need to evaluate this man from the perspective of logic. I suspect you would not admire any man that is a cheater and yet you fell in love with a cheater. I will tell you why you fell in love with the cheater: If you have low self esteem you probably need a load of external validation. Many cheating MM have a radar for women like you and they know exactly what to say and do. Most cheating MM tend to be smooth and charming and women with low self esteem are easy prey. Once MM feeds your emotional need for being wanted, adored, admired, loved, etc you have no choice but to fall in love. But, in reality you have fallen in love with how he makes you feel. You know that underneath the hood there is a lying scum and yet your emotional needs are so great that you fall in love. I have to warn you that you meet the criteria for being an OW again if you don't seek counseling. Most single nice honest men don't know how to manipulate women in the manner cheating MMs do. I So I suspect these single guys will not know how to meet your needs. You will eventually fall in the clutches of MM. You need to seek therapy to improve your self esteem. A woman with good self esteem would pay zero attention to a cheating man. I understand why you want him to call. Even though you want to end the affair you want to be affirmed. If he calls it means he cares for you. I have news for you. Whether he cares for you or not is a moot point. You need to end this destructive relationship and his feelings which are not genuine are moot. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
firstandlast Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 You're certainly right. It's all up to him if he wants to come clean. I just hope that if he tries to contact me i can't stay strong and ignore him I know the feeling. It isn't easy. But you can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Share Posted October 20, 2012 You need to evaluate this man from the perspective of logic. I suspect you would not admire any man that is a cheater and yet you fell in love with a cheater. I will tell you why you fell in love with the cheater: If you have low self esteem you probably need a load of external validation. Many cheating MM have a radar for women like you and they know exactly what to say and do. Most cheating MM tend to be smooth and charming and women with low self esteem are easy prey. Once MM feeds your emotional need for being wanted, adored, admired, loved, etc you have no choice but to fall in love. But, in reality you have fallen in love with how he makes you feel. You know that underneath the hood there is a lying scum and yet your emotional needs are so great that you fall in love. I have to warn you that you meet the criteria for being an OW again if you don't seek counseling. Most single nice honest men don't know how to manipulate women in the manner cheating MMs do. I So I suspect these single guys will not know how to meet your needs. You will eventually fall in the clutches of MM. You need to seek therapy to improve your self esteem. A woman with good self esteem would pay zero attention to a cheating man. I understand why you want him to call. Even though you want to end the affair you want to be affirmed. If he calls it means he cares for you. I have news for you. Whether he cares for you or not is a moot point. You need to end this destructive relationship and his feelings which are not genuine are moot. You're right, I was weak, and he was there. I wish it wasn't too late to go back and change everything :/ He contacted me today, I got a text message and it was him. I ignored it, even though I want to reply so badly. He asked how I was doing and he told me that he misses me and he'd do anything to see me again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 20, 2012 Author Share Posted October 20, 2012 Huh? You didn't think of his little girls when you were having an affair with their father! Now you care about them? Come on...don't throw out baloney like that. Are you sure you aren't hoping he comes back to you...and if you tell his wife, you know he never will speak to you again? the point is the spouse should have all the facts and should be able to decide for THEMSELVES if they want to stay with a cheater! You don't want your spouse to know cause you know you will be kicked to the curb! First you cheat, lie and betray your spouse and now you get to decide what information the spouse gets so the spouse can make an informed decision about their life. Cheaters never want the spouse to know....it has nothing to do with revenge. That is what cheaters think. It has to do with owning your own life and not letting someone else make your decisions. Bad enough the cheater exposed the spouse to STD's and possibly a psychotic affair partner....now the cheater wants to ensure the spouse doesn't know the depth of the betrayal. I would never tell his wife, I'm not out looking for revenge. I don't know her, so that's not my choice. He sent me a text today, I wrote about what it said in the post above ^ Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 I would never tell his wife, I'm not out looking for revenge. I don't know her, so that's not my choice. He sent me a text today, I wrote about what it said in the post above ^ You need to change your phone number so you cannot get a text. However, this is such a final action that you probably won't do it. Most folks want to see if he or she texted. The need for affirmation is overwhelming. With every bit of contact, no matter how subtle you prolong the agony. Yes, the contact eases the pain, but in the end the pain comes back stronger and lasts longer. Change phone number and email. Link to post Share on other sites
Adamgem Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 I would never tell his wife, I'm not out looking for revenge. I don't know her, so that's not my choice. He sent me a text today, I wrote about what it said in the post above ^ I agree. You never really know who you are dealing with. In my case when I spoke to his ex she seemed to be very far removed from reality. I think it is a way to cope. She seems to be in complete denial. I am happy I am not her. Part of me wants to tell her - run, run he is dumping all over you but another part of me tells me - that is her life and her problem and I should not get involved. I think she knows deep down but it would, at this point, be too traumatisinng to face the reality of the situation. Sometimes I have directed my anger at her and later I hate myself for this. It is like some other part of me takes over.... usually after listening to his nonsence. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 It's not revenge to tell his wife, it's a kindness so she knows the truth of her life and can make decisions with all the information . Most betrayed spouses are crushed and hurt and scared. Not mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Adamgem Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 I agree. You never really know who you are dealing with. In my case when I spoke to his ex she seemed to be very far removed from reality. I think it is a way to cope. She seems to be in complete denial. I am happy I am not her. Part of me wants to tell her - run, run he is dumping all over you but another part of me tells me - that is her life and her problem and I should not get involved. I think she knows deep down but it would, at this point, be too traumatisinng to face the reality of the situation. Sometimes I have directed my anger at her and later I hate myself for this. It is like some other part of me takes over.... usually after listening to his nonsence. In fact, I believe she is so damaged that she would direct her rage towards me (in fact, what she has been doing) rather than at him because the truth is too painful to face. I also believe she is dangerous because of this.... so I say do not get involved. It is not your life. Your life is you. Look after you. Why create more drama for yourself? What is the point. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 In fact, I believe she is so damaged that she would direct her rage towards me (in fact, what she has been doing) rather than at him because the truth is too painful to face. I also believe she is dangerous because of this.... so I say do not get involved. It is not your life. Your life is you. Look after you. Why create more drama for yourself? What is the point. It is never a good idea to get involve in the lives of other people. I agree! I am glad you are out of there. Don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Adamgem Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 Thank you Pierre. I really struggle sometimes but then I read some pages on psychopaths and that helps me stay strong and away. I just hope I can get my money without too much trouble.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 21, 2012 Share Posted October 21, 2012 It's not revenge to tell his wife, it's a kindness so she knows the truth of her life and can make decisions with all the information . Not always true. Many times it seems to be revenge that dictates it. If not thrown under the bus, I don't think the OW would have told the W. They didn't during the A - so why now? Because they were thrown under the bus. I think it's a crappy reason. I also think the OW should not be the source. The H should be the source. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 I'm just worried that he will come clean and his wife will be out to get me or something. I was so weak today. I got home from work at 3, and was staring at the text he sent me the other day. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and knowing that he's just a text away was killing me. I texted him back with a simple 'hey'. He told me that after my morning classes tomorrow he wants to meet me for lunch and talk and have more closure... He promised we would just go to lunch and nothing else, I agreed...He said he thought about what I said when I broke things off and he has things to say back now. And I feel so dumb for it :/ I just want to see him one last time and talk things out Link to post Share on other sites
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