Pierre Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I'm just worried that he will come clean and his wife will be out to get me or something. I was so weak today. I got home from work at 3, and was staring at the text he sent me the other day. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and knowing that he's just a text away was killing me. I texted him back with a simple 'hey'. He told me that after my morning classes tomorrow he wants to meet me for lunch and talk and have more closure... He promised we would just go to lunch and nothing else, I agreed...He said he thought about what I said when I broke things off and he has things to say back now. And I feel so dumb for it :/ I just want to see him one last time and talk things out Sooner or later the C word would come into play. Why do weak exlovers want closure? They want closure because they want to end up in bed again.:laugh: This whole thing is so predictable. We humans are the most predictable species when it comes to relationships. The same old $hite over and over again. Alicia: YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN SOLID ADVICE. Your only hope for survival is no contact. All this contact is a train yo nowhere. It feels strange to see a person about to cause herself more serious injury. You are weak and MM knows this. He is a user! Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Not always true. Many times it seems to be revenge that dictates it. If not thrown under the bus, I don't think the OW would have told the W. They didn't during the A - so why now? Because they were thrown under the bus. I think it's a crappy reason. I also think the OW should not be the source. The H should be the source. I understand your point of view. As a BS, I was glad for any information that told me the truth, but I respect what you are saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'm just worried that he will come clean and his wife will be out to get me or something. I was so weak today. I got home from work at 3, and was staring at the text he sent me the other day. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and knowing that he's just a text away was killing me. I texted him back with a simple 'hey'. He told me that after my morning classes tomorrow he wants to meet me for lunch and talk and have more closure... He promised we would just go to lunch and nothing else, I agreed...He said he thought about what I said when I broke things off and he has things to say back now. And I feel so dumb for it :/ I just want to see him one last time and talk things out Are you guys back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) Pierre, no we are not back together. However, we did meet for lunch today. He basically just wanted to apologize for pursuing me in the first place. He laid out everything and promised me it was all the truth. He said he can tell how much I am hurting. He sais that his marriage is a mess and that's not my fault. He said he developed an emotional attraction to me so it was hurting him too. He thinks about getting a D, but he can't do that to his children, it would confuse and hurt them. I also brought the diamond stud earrings he gave to me on my 21st birthday and tried to give them back to him, but he wouldn't take them. He said that he still wanted me to think about him, like he would think about me :/ we said goodbye and left, I told him not to contact me unless he files for divorce, and he said he understands. I feel like we both got closure, I'm glad we talked about things after it settled in that it's over, but it feels so final now. I am miserable. Edited October 23, 2012 by alicia1217 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 You will feel better eventually. Don't go back to redo the ending. Let it be like that. You might feel you haven't said something, or done something. Let it unsaid and undone. It doesn't make any difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Pierre, no we are not back together. However, we did meet for lunch today. He basically just wanted to apologize for pursuing me in the first place. He laid out everything and promised me it was all the truth. He said he can tell how much I am hurting. He sais that his marriage is a mess and that's not my fault. Congratulations for being strong! His marriage may be a mess; but having you on the side made his marriage 500% worse. Once a spouse puts his energies outside the marriage things go downhill very quickly. It is also possible that the mess in the marriage is the creation of the MM. He said he developed an emotional attraction to me so it was hurting him too. He thinks about getting a D, but he can't do that to his children, it would confuse and hurt them. That is what 99.9% of cheating MM say, par for the course. I also brought the diamond stud earrings he gave to me on my 21st birthday and tried to give them back to him, but he wouldn't take them. He said that he still wanted me to think about him, like he would think about me :/ I am certain you would have been disappointed if he had taken the earrings. You tried to return the earrings to get reaffirmation. He wants you to think of him? He also craves external validation. we said goodbye and left, I told him not to contact me unless he files for divorce, and he said he understands. I feel like we both got closure, I'm glad we talked about things after it settled in that it's over, but it feels so final now. I am miserable. Let me explain NC again: 1. Change your phone no. 2. Change your email. 3. Erase all old emails and do not read them again. 4. Put the earrings away or give them to charity. Every time you look at the earrings you are in contact. NC is counter intuitive. After the break ups folks want to cherish the moments and hold presents and old photos. That simply prolongs the agony. You need to erase the hard drive to have true NC If you don't get thru this you may never be able to fall in love again with a nice single man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Thank you so much for all of your advice. We don't communicate through email, but I deleted him on Facebook and deleted his number. I feel so empty inside, like everything has been ripped from me. Just thinking about him going to bed with his wife at night makes me want to cry. I don't know if I can change my number, because I am still a college student I'm still on my moms plan, and if I did she would ask why and blah blah. But after our talk at lunch yesterday, through my depression, I saw the light in it. I am now on the healing path Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Thank you so much for all of your advice. We don't communicate through email, but I deleted him on Facebook and deleted his number. I feel so empty inside, like everything has been ripped from me. Just thinking about him going to bed with his wife at night makes me want to cry. I don't know if I can change my number, because I am still a college student I'm still on my moms plan, and if I did she would ask why and blah blah. But after our talk at lunch yesterday, through my depression, I saw the light in it. I am now on the healing path If you stay 100% NC you will get thru this in 6 months. If you break NC your heartache may last for years. I am serious-----------you need to avoid communication at all times. This man will call you again. He misses you and loves you as a supplement to his marriage. Hear that? He loves you as a supplement. That is how cake eaters operate, they love the supplement to the marriage as well s the spouse at home. He will miss you and he is probably needy. He will try to call you, make no mistake about this. The paradox is that he will ignore the fact that by calling you he is harming you. But, the nature of cheating MMs is selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alicia1217 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 If he does get divorced, would it be wrong of me to get back with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 If he does get divorced, would it be wrong of me to get back with him? If he gets divorced and you get back with him you basically replace the wife. In other words you will be at risk of being betrayed. I am not saying this is always the case, but cheaters tend to repeat. Sometimes these men get a divorce, but most of the time the divorce is not initiated by them. He may say to you I divorced my wife, but most of the time it is the wife that throws these men out. Once the cheater is free he may want to experience being single for a while, so quite often they do not go back to the OW. This man is bad news. You cannot see it because you are addicted to him. He met your need for external validation quite well. Cheating men are way better than single men when it comes to the treatment of women that need external validation. Link to post Share on other sites
firstandlast Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Cheating men are way better than single men when it comes to the treatment of women that need external validation. Is this true? It seems like single guys would have much more time and energy to provide that validation. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 For years when I was confused and not quite right, I dated Married men almost exclusively because they had to offer so much more to compensate for their restrictions. At least for me they did. They always say exactly the right things , are the most unselfish lovers, the praise they give is lavish. Phone calls, texts, a lot of communication. This is all attractive, single guys are real. Not worse, just real. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Is this true? It seems like single guys would have much more time and energy to provide that validation. A single man has many more options in the dating world than a married man. Many single women simply don't pay one second of attention to a married man. Whenever a single woman appears to be receptive to a married man this is seen as a bonus. It is like hitting the lottery. For the single guy this is not the case because he has many to choose from. Therefore, the MM has to be more attentive. The MM has to be more charming and romantic to compensate. The MM has less options than the single man. Furthermore, many cheating men are naturally charming and smooth. This is a natural for most cunning men. Beware of excessive charm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 For years when I was confused and not quite right, I dated Married men almost exclusively because they had to offer so much more to compensate for their restrictions. At least for me they did. They always say exactly the right things , are the most unselfish lovers, the praise they give is lavish. Phone calls, texts, a lot of communication. This is all attractive, single guys are real. Not worse, just real. Exactly! From my readings this is almost always the case. Most cheating men are charming. Link to post Share on other sites
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