The X-Factor (ruining everything!!!!)

[Kelebek]

Hi everyone,

 

Some of you (although probably not, it was a good 6 months ago!) might remember I used to have a lot of problems with my boyfriend, regarding his ex being in the picture. It eventually split us up, although they are not back together, and he's a bit better now. I absolutely ADORED him, I loved him so, so, so much, and my heart was broken.

 

I have a new (well, newish, three months) boyfriend, who has always treated me wonderfully, and given me no reason to worry, unlike my last relationship which was just constant anxiety.

 

I've only seen my ex about 5 times in the last 5/6 months, and seeing him always is like a kick to the stomach. I got together with my current boyfriend 2 months after we broke up - I know it was too soon, at the time I thought I'd be ok. But every time I see him, all the bitterness has gone now and we're just great friends, but I'm just devastated it didn't work. My mum even asked me about him the other day and I started crying....not a good sign, I'm sure.

 

So I thought, ok, maybe if I see him, it'll be better. We have many of the same friends, so we all went out in a big crowd last night, to a house party. (Just a coincidence that it was so soon after I wanted to see him - I didn't engineer it) I phoned my boyfriend for him to come aswell, but I'd left it too late, except I really wanted him there (cos I was worried about being with my ex on my own) so I got stupidly annoyed and we ended up having our first completely STUPID argument, it came out of nothing and blew up all over the place.

 

So I forgot about him, and as usual when we're out in that crowd, me and my ex gravitated towards each other, and talked for nearly 7 hours. (Only got home at 6am, feeling a bit tired now!) We were in a little room and everyone left us alone...and we had a real, proper chat. We've talked since we split up but not this honestly. He didn't ever realise how much I had loved him and that he had broken my heart, and he was completely shocked to find out - he has totally low self esteem. He told me he's got his head together now, and I know he has - I can ask my best friend about him so I know how he's doing. He said he really thinks I'm great, and that he's so, so sorry that in the 10 months of us being together, he didn't really commit. He said he misses me and that he didn't know how I'd take it, but that he really does love me. If it wasn't for my boyfriend, he wouldn't hesitate about being with me and treating me right this time. I know he would, he's a wonderful, kind guy, who just happened to be messed up when I met him.

 

I gotta tell you, my heart broke all over again. All this stuff I'd wanted to hear so long ago, only now coming to the surface.

 

Then I wake up to a load of horrible text messages from my boyfriend, that only came through this morning because my inbox was full last night. He's a lovely guy, but he can turn nasty - and rightfully so, I'm messing him about, I don't know what to do. I texted him a load of rubbish and the poor guy doesn't know what I'm talking about...neither do I.

 

My ex texted me this morning aswell, saying he hoped I was ok, and to come out to our friends house tonight, but I didn't reply, and I'm not going. He'll understand, I'm not worried about that - if I'd gone it would've just been a disaster, because I'm not thinking straight and I'd be a mess, and god knows what would happen. I've been absolutely sobbing crying all day, partly about my ex and partly about my boyfriend - who has said that the whole situation is no big deal, but that he can't keep going on like this, he needs to know what's on my mind. He says that I never tell him stuff - I do, I just don't tell him about this. How do you tell your boyfriend that you are completely messed up about your ex?

 

I don't think I want him back...I haven't thought about that, as it's irrelevant right now. I've been thinking more, do I want to stay with my boyfriend, and I think I do.

 

In an ideal world, I could just check out for a couple of weeks and have some time on my own, but I don't think my boyfriend would put up with that, and who could expect him to.

 

I thought that I should stay away from my ex, but we have such a great laugh, neither of us want that. And we have so many mutual friends, it would be impossible. I just HATE the fact that the situation that broke my heart (ex being messed up over HIS ex) is the exact same situation I'm in now....only on the other side this time. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, I really don't.

 

I know he'll be looking for an explanation to my behaviour, I haven't been myself this past week - but what the hell do I tell him without losing him?? Maybe it'd be easier for both of us if I DID lose him.

I don't know what to tell him, because he doesn't understand the concept of broken hearts. He's 23, but when I asked him (less than a week ago - testing the water) if he'd ever had a broken heart, he scoffed no, that he could deal with it. He said that he knew what REAL pain was, and it wasn't breaking up with someone. His father died, that's what he's referring to. I appreciate that, indeed, some things must be harder to deal with than a breakup. And it does put things in perspective. But the pain I felt a few months ago was very real, and I can't help that. I'm just scared he won't understand though, and he's not the kind of guy to waste his time on something he can't be bothered with, so I'm worried he'll just say, to hell with all this aggro, and walk off.

 

I think I need to cut all contact with my ex for now, not that it'll help. I just don't know what to do. My boyfriend finishes work in half an hour so I'm hoping he might phone me, or come round, or at least text me. It just breaks my heart, because I look at all this, and I feel like I haven't moved on at all. And instead of hating my ex, I actually feel sorry for him, because now I truly understand how he felt in those months. He wanted me to forgive him and it was easy. So that's worse, cos at least if I could hate him, things might be easier.

 

Well...if you're still with me reading this, then you're a better and stronger person than most!!

 

I suppose I should draw on my old situation to decide what I should do....I'm looking for people in my situation but that's a bit stupid considering I know exactly what it's like??!!

 

God, what a horrible, horrible day I've had!!!!!!!!!!!

[uriel]

You need to get very clear about what you want. Then, you need to act decisively.

 

The good news is, the guy who broke your heart has now said all the right things. No, that doesn't mean you want him back, but it's a fantasy fulfilled. It ought to help you heal further in the long run.

 

The bad news is, whatever you are telling yourself about telling him no and staying with your current boyfriend, you still have strong feelings for your ex. You aren't willing to get back together with him because you're still hurt and you don't trust him. You don't want to ever experience the pain he put you through before. That's a reasonable way to feel.

 

What concerns me is that you are doing alot of rationalizing of your emotions -- expressing plenty of denial -- in your post about your ex. You realized when you cried after your mum asked about him that you weren't over him at all, right? So you went on to lie to yourself to say an evening out with him around would be no big deal. So you then ended up sitting with him and talking for hours in a very emotional way. Hmmm....

 

You wanted that to happen -- don't kid yourself. You'll want it to happen again. You'll want to know if he really means it and still wants to get back together. The man has the graviational force of a black hole because you love him. Still, you love him like mad. I can hear it in your post if you can't.

 

You don't love your current bf like that. You haven't been together long enough. You don't go back talking to an ex bf if the feelings for your current bf are hotter and brighter than the old torch you still carry. It wasn't just about closure.

 

Given that you are still so in love with your ex and don't really know for sure how things with him are going to go, what should you do about your current bf? Can you really give him a clear start and your complete attention, honestly, given how you've been acting and what you've been feeling? Are you sure that you can and will leave your ex entirely alone and stop rationalizing your feelings and your desire for contact? Are you willing to leave him behind, now that he's tried to reconnect, and move on with a guy you're not yet sure is right for the longterm (at three months, you are still testing the waters)?

 

You've got a lot of thinking to do. Just don't stay on the fence too long.

 

-- uriel

[Kelebek]

I am almost crying reading your post - the sheer relief of being understood and not judged is huge, so thank you.

 

You're right, it's a fantasy fulfilled, and I've been playing the words in my head ever since. I also feel better that I got to finally tell him how much he'd hurt me. It was strange telling him, the words sounded so familiar that I thought that I HAD told him before, but realised it was just my millions of imaginary conversations I've had with him. I KNEW, when it was over, that it wasn't over, if you know what I mean. I still think I'll get back together with him one day, if it's not meant to be our time now.

 

You're right, I am denying how much I love him - not spending time with him anymore has dulled it a bit but it's still there. I'm just terrified I'll feel like this for the rest of my relationship with my current bf. He's such a good guy and deserves to have someone who thinks about him like, well, like I think about my ex. Or thought about, in any case.

 

I'm devastated, I'm really bloody devastated...me and my ex...argh, I know we had more than the usual amount of problems, but when it was good, it was GOOD. It's hard not to want that back. Me and my bf, we get on so well, maybe in time it'll be like that.

 

I spoke to him last night, he's ok. He said it's no big deal, but that he can't keep going on not knowing what's in my mind. So I'll have to think of an explanation. But the good (?) thing is he's not going anywhere, and to him, this is just some dumb argument. He doesn't realise how big a mess my head is in right now so I could just try and get away with it, and continue with our relationship.

 

The worst thing is thinking that he deserves more than that, and wishing I could feel more for him. But you're right, it'll take longer than three months even if my ex wasn't in the picture. And my ex is so jealous of my new boyfriend, it literally breaks my heart.

 

You were right when you said I have a lot of thinking to do, I didn't get out my bed at all yesterday cos I just couldn't be bothered moving...thinking is basically the only thing I've done, same with last night and today, I got no sleep...but I still don't have the answers!!

 

I think the right thing to do is to see where this relationship goes.

 

There's so much going through my heart right now I can't get it all out!!!

 

Thanks for replying to me, it helped a lot

 

xxx

[Wellnowuknow]

I agree with the first post. I also can tell how much you love your ex. I think you just started your relationship with your current bf too soon. In order to have a real fufilling realtionship you have to be totally commited. You can't give your current bf that right now nor any because your not in the right frame of mind.

 

It's not fair to your current bf either. How did you feel when you wanted your ex to give you the world and commit to you but he was still thinking about his ex? It wasn't a great feeling.

 

I think you needed to hear all those things from your ex because now you have some closure and you can start to move on.

 

My 'mind' is telling me that you need to stay away from both and have sometime to yourself because you jumped from relationship to relationship and you need time to fully heal and understand what youy are feeling and what you want.

 

But my 'heart' is saying that life is short and that you shouldnt waste time. And what I mean is if your with someone and it's not that fireworks, I can't sleep, heart racing 500 miles per hour, then your wasting your time and you should be with the one that gives you those feelings. Why deny yourself?

 

You need to take a break from both and figure out what you need and what you want. If your current bf loves you and wants to stay with you he will wait for you. but you have to be honest. Everyone always says communication is key. Don't leave him confused and hurting thinking he's doing something wrong. It's better to be upfront. If he cares for you and wants to make you happy he will give you your time and be there for you and understand. Good luck keep me posted.