What's going on here?

[PlanThree]

Hey all,

 

I've been reading posts on LS for a long time, but now I have a problem myself..

 

I'm Iris. A 19 years old girl and from the Netherlands, so English isn't my native language. My boyfriend is 18 years old and from NY, USA.

We're in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now. Met on the internet (through a game). We "met" for the first time in real last summer, he stayed here for 4 weeks. We've had an amazing time and things couldn't break us apart. We are eachothers first ones.

 

Over our entire relationship, he's been the kind of person to overthink and over-analyze everything. He gets angry really fast and starts screaming/yelling at me over the webcams. He never called me names before, but that changed since our last argument a few days ago. He called me a "****ing insane psychopath". I just accepted it, to avoid worse.

 

Now I need you to know something else about me. I have a disease called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which means that my tissues are really weak. I have to be careful with everything I do, because there's a big chance at dislocating my shoulders etc in even the smalles movement. Being tired is a side effect from this disease and it will only get worse. I know I won't get really old, and there's a big chance I'll be in a wheelchair in 10 years. Feel free to search some more information about this disease. I'm not an expert in explaining this in English.

 

Anyways, over the past couple months since he left back to the US again, I've been really stressed out and tired. I had to recover from missing him, college started again and my mom's health issues started to come up. At first he supported me in this, took his time for me and accepted the situation. But now it seems like he's giving up on me.

He says I'm pushing him away when I'm tired, but who can act normal and loving when you're feeling like fainting out?

This has been going on for the past couple months, and last night it got to the worst point ever. He messaged me on twitter and said he has no love or compassion for me when I'm tired. That he will treat me the way I treat him. Cold and distant like he says. But the thing is, I can't help it, and I'm in a very difficult situation. And he does it on purpose..

 

It is all SO confusing, and I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm really a horrible girlfriend like that. While I try to do my best for him, send him long love letters, presents, sweet emails saying that I miss him and love him, sending a birthdaycard to his mom etc. He's done nothing except for the emails to me yet.. Since he went home again. He also has a huge fear for cameras, and I never see him on the webcam.. I only hear his voice. I've tried confronting him with this that it hurts me not to see him, and he isn't even willing to try. Then he always flips out on me, yells at me and punches a wall.

 

I love this boy to bits, and I don't want to lose him. But I know I'm destroying myself with this, little by little. But he can also be the sweetest and most loving and caring person I've ever met. He says things to me like "Our hearts beat as one, we're ment to be together forever" and "I will do anything and everything to see your beautiful smile on your face" and so many other sweet things. Last summer was the best time of my life. He was so sweet and caring, and I've never felt more complete and alive before. But I know it can change in a split-second. I know his waves of anger, his depressive thoughts and how he reacts everything out on me. Bi-Polar is running in his family, and sometimes I think he might has this.. But still I love him so much.

 

He doesn't want me to talk to other guys/a lot of different people though. And I have to say, I've never been the type of person to go out and party, to flirt around or do things like that. I'm a really quiet and shy girl, who loves the little things in life, who is "too sweet" as my mom says to me.

 

I've been really scared by posting on this forum, because I don't know what kind of answers I'll get. But I'm open for everything. Life's a learning process and I'm open for any advice. Good or bad.

 

I'm sorry if this post has given you the wrong idea about me or this situation. And I know I didn't ask about a specific question, I just want to know what you think about this situation. Please don't start about the thing that I'm too young and that I have to try different boys etc. That's not who I am and I'll never be like that. Take it easy on me.

 

If you read until this far, thank you so much for it. And I'd be so grateful and thankful if you'd leave your thoughts about this, or some kind of other advice.

 

 

 

Thanks, Iris.

[TMichaels]

Iris,

 

If anyone is a ***ing insane psychopath in your relationship, it isn't you.

 

Regardless of how much you like this boy, get out of the relationship now. You have every right and expectation to be treated well by someone to which you give your heart.

 

This guy is treating you like crap. You don't deserve it. And, if he's doing it now, it'll only get worse the longer you stay with him.

 

Dig deep and find the courage to do what's right, then find someone who truly loves and cares for you the way you should be honored, cherished and treated.

 

Life's too short (as you probably well know) to do otherwise.

 

Take care and all the best,

TMichaels

[CC12]

I have to agree that it's going to get worse. At least, it's extremely likely that it will get worse. Anger issues almost always escalate when they go unchecked. If he knows you'll accept him yelling at you, then what's to stop him from yelling next time he's angry? Or going further than that?

 

Something else I noticed about his anger. It's not always just a sudden, thoughtless outburst, like, "RAAWR I'm angry!!" Based on some of the things you said, he's actually used his anger in manipulative ways. He uses it to shut you up when you're asking him for things he doesn't want to give (the webcam thing) and when he's angry that you're feeling ill, he tries to punish you by acting cold and distant.

 

It is also alarming that he doesn't like you talking to other people.

 

I want to encourage you to do some reading on abusive relationships and emotional abuse. Thoroughly educate yourself on the topic, because some of the things you've mentioned here might fall into that category.

[umirano]

From your post I understand that he has no real understanding for your condition. That's a bad starting point. You're both not yet fully grown up. Especially his character is not yet fully formed. He won't be much more stable anytime soon.

You lead a difficult type of relationship. Long distance. I imagine with the time difference and you being tired often you struggle with additional stress.

You deserve to be respected, your efforts showing him your love should be appreciated. He should be ready to compromise with you and most of all getting all angry regularly is a no no. I know, some people are more easily irritated than others and some people are really good at irritating some other people. But this is not a viable way of communicating. Demand of him to stop that. It's clearly killing the love between the two of you, though sweet statements might cover this up for a certain period of time.

 

I wish you good luck!

[sweetkiwi]

this is a bad situation for you. Not for him however. He gets everything. You. Your sweetness, loyalty, love, kindness.

 

Its better to be alone even though it may be hard at first.

I've been there and it never gets better. Only worse.

[VeveCakes]

I'm going to say all the things you don't want to hear. I'm sorry but you can not post looking for advice if you are going to try and filter the advice you get. You are only 19. This boy is 18 and acting so angry and sbusive already. He needs help like, yesterday. It's only going to get worse. It's sad someone so young can be so unstable and controlling.

 

Don't waste your time on this relationship.

[PlanThree]

I want to thank you all for your time to read this post and place a reply, it means SO much to me!

 

Your comments have definitely opened up my eyes. I was getting used to his behaviour, his way of treating me and I just accepted it. That right there is a weak point from me, I'm too scared to bring up things like this to him because I'm scared of how he'll react. That is something I need to work on.. I need to be honest and tell him how it feels for me, how it hurts me.

 

This morning I saw 2 e-mails from him, with sound files in it. I was so confused because he never did something like that before! He told in those files how he doesn't want to send messages on Twitter, telling how bad he feels about the whole situation. But he wanted to let me hear it, with emotions etc. He told in the files that he's sorry for what he did, how he acted and he never should've done that. He also told he talked with his dad about this for along time. But I know the relationship between him and his dad is very weak. They argue a lot, and he grew up in a family that would always pick on eachother and swear at eachother. But anyways, his dad made him realize more how he was acting. Because he heard my boyfriend screaming at me over the cams.

 

Finally, when he came home today, and we first got the chance to talk about everything, he started apologizing immediately. But I know, actions speak louder than words. So I didn't thought much of it. Then I grabbed all my courage together and started saying EVERYTHING that has been bothering me.

 

I told him first that I wanted to talk with him about something he won't like. And if he would get angry or pissed, I would walk away and let him calm down. He accepted it and I mentioned a few things you said: his abusive behaviour, his angry moments, the fact he doesn't support me like a good boyfriend should, the lack of respect etc.

 

He was quiet after that, and told me: "I would've ruined the relationship if I never fell on the ground this hard just to open up my eyes". He agreed with everything I said. He also said he is willing to do everything and anything he can to change. We also made a deal that we would give eachother space when we're both upset. To avoid getting so frustrated that he starts to yell and scream.

 

Now it's 11:50 PM over here, and I'm exhausted from the whole conversation. I do have a relieved feeling about it, but I won't get my hopes up and assume that he will never ever do this again. Because he won't change, not totally. I will give him ONE more chance, this one. If he ruins that, it's over.

 

I am very curious how you all think about my handling.. Did I made a right choice or was I being foolish again? I want to know every single thought that comes up in your mind.

 

 

Again, thank you SO much for all your help and advice. It was really the push in the right direction I needed to confront him with everything. And knowing that there are people out there who are willing to listen to my situation, is a huge relief. Thank you!

 

Iris.

[TMichaels]

Iris,

 

I don't think you made a mistake by giving him a second chance BUT, stick to your guns.

 

The minute he lapses back into the kind of abusive, angry behavior again you experienced before, dump him.

 

It sounds like he grew up in that kind of environment which though it's a shame that he did, it also means it will be almost impossible for him to overcome it without professional help.

 

He simply does not have the social skills, experience or knowledge of how to deal with conflict, anger, disappointment and other people. IT IS NOT your job to teach him that or "cure him," and you won't be able to. It's his problem to deal with and sort out -- just remember that.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CC12]

I am very curious how you all think about my handling.. Did I made a right choice or was I being foolish again? I want to know every single thought that comes up in your mind.

 

I think you did really well by telling him everything you were feeling. It was also very smart to make a plan for the next time he gets angry. Putting boundaries in place for both of you is very necessary, and it's possible that you'll have to continue putting additional boundaries in place when other things come up. You must remain strict with the number one rule: "I will not be around you if your anger becomes inappropriate or threatening." Stick to it, always. Just walk away - log off, hang up, stop reading texts for a while, leave the room.

 

Was it the right choice to give him another chance? I can't answer that. Just be very careful to not give him chance after chance. Also be careful about making excuses for him, like, "Well, he apologized so it's okay now." Or, "He's had a rough week, I understand why he's so angry." Or, "I did do something kind of hurtful/annoying/thoughtless so he's right to be angry." Remember that everyone gets angry, and everyone has a right to their emotions, but it's how we display those emotions that determines our integrity, dignity, and respect for others. One who is lacking in those traits should not be your boyfriend.

[PlanThree]

Hey all,

 

I know, it's been a long time since I've posted the first thread. Many things have happened, good and bad.

 

One month after I posted the original post, my (now ex) boyfriend and I had a HUGE, and I mean HUGE argument again. It began with an argument over the fact that he was pushing me to emigrate right after I graduate (around 2014), and leave my sick mother behind. You have to know, my mother has the same disease as I have, and she probably won't reach the age of 50. She's 48 now..

 

So when my ex said this to me, I refused with all my heart. I said to him that I could not leave my sick mother behind, knowing that she would die without me. And me not being able to be at her funeral..

 

He flipped, just like you said before. People don't change. A couple of thousand red flags began to wave, hahah. I realised this was the moment of truth. He was yelling, screaming, swearing. Then he grabbed a knife and started cutting himself in front of the cam. As a punishment. He blamed me for everything, for ruining his life, for all the drama. I said I couldn't do this no more, and I told him with all my strength that I thought it would be better if we would break up. This wasn't a healthy relationship anymore. He went nuts. To a point where he already hit the wall 2 times, and a door 3 times. To a point where he started throwing everything I gave him (letters, cards, etc) through the whole room and said I was a lie, my love was a lie, I never loved him blah blah blah. I tried to stay calm all the time, but when he said that, I couldn't take it no more. So I logged off of Skype and went downstairs to talk with my parents about it. They said I was doing the right thing, breaking up with him. And that I MUST NOT give in into him and his 'oh so sweet words'. I found my courage again and went online, told him I wanted to have my life back. I told him I was going to say goodbye to him, wish him the best and be done with it. He suddenly went so cold and said I was dead for him, and he would be dead for me. Fine.. I said goodbye to him and logged off, immediately deleting him from everything I knew. I knew from the deepest part in my heart that I never EVER wanted to have contact with him again. This immature boy who played my mind for two years.

 

It's been almost a year since all of this happened. And I've never been happier in my life. Breaking up with my ex was the BEST choice I've ever made! Ofcourse it was difficult in the beginning, but fast after it all happened I found myself back again. My self-confidence grew and my family and friends pointed out that I was happy again, truly happy.

 

For months I had difficulties trusting other people, in particular boys. But finally I found my strength again last June, and now I can proudly say that I have a healthy, loving and stable relationship with a lovely Dutch boy, just a few miles away from me! I found out how a relationship should be. I found out how wonderful it is to have someone there for you, supporting you in the right way and never have arguments or bad fights. Ofcourse every couple has its ups and downs, but the key is just to talk about it in a normal way.

 

I thought I should let you guys know how it all ended.

I want to thank all of you, for supporting me through this, and giving me the advice I needed. I completely agree with the things you said, situations like this will only get worse, because some people never 'really' change.

The only advice I can give for the people who are in the same situation as I have been, is to follow your heart, and NEVER EVER let someone put you so low. Because in the end you WILL get hurt if you don't stand up for yourself.

 

 

Thank you for reading,

Iris.

[junkelope]

Girl you've got to get out. It might seem impossible to live without him, but it's not worth it if he's treating you this way. Do not be discouraged, the right person for you is out there. Staying with this guy sounds like a total waste of your time. You deserve better than to be treated like trash. He sounds angry and unpredictable, which WILL continue to cause problems in your relationship.

[TMichaels]

Girl you've got to get out. It might seem impossible to live without him, but it's not worth it if he's treating you this way. Do not be discouraged, the right person for you is out there. Staying with this guy sounds like a total waste of your time. You deserve better than to be treated like trash. He sounds angry and unpredictable, which WILL continue to cause problems in your relationship.

 

 

Uh, little late to the party, aren't you?

 

Did you read her latest post???

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CC12]

I thought I should let you guys know how it all ended.

 

Thanks for the update. It's always nice to hear the outcome of some posts on here.

 

I'm glad you stood up for yourself, and that things are going so well for you now. Great!