Insecure of new partner's past relationship

[Squirter69]

Recently I caught feelings for my best friend. He had had feelings for me at one time, but had a girlfriend when I realized my feelings. I ended up telling him when he confided in me that he wanted to break up with her. They have been broken up for a few months now. He makes me really happy and I love hanging out with him and we have a strong sexual relationship. He says he has feelings for me, but doesn't want a relationship. He also still hides the fact that he likes me and has sex with me which I find strange since he has been single for months. I have a suspicion he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend. There are many reasons I believe that, but one example is he recently got really upset upon finding out her and one of his best friends have a thing for each other. I confronted him about still having feelings for her and he denied it. He also got really defensive which only made me more suspicious.

I don't know what I should do.

[The_Reader]

I think the best course of action is to give him some space. Even though he denies it, it sounds like he has some unresolved feelings toward his ex. It doesn't lessen what he feels for you, but it certainly complicates things. Separate yourself from the situation until he can sort out what he wants. You deserve his full attention and he shouldn't be allowed to be with you until he is prepared to give it.

[todreaminblue]

I think the best course of action is to give him some space. Even though he denies it, it sounds like he has some unresolved feelings toward his ex. It doesn't lessen what he feels for you, but it certainly complicates things. Separate yourself from the situation until he can sort out what he wants. You deserve his full attention and he shouldn't be allowed to be with you until he is prepared to give it.

 

 

good advice reader i second it....deb

[Daniel V. Ross]

Try to talk with him about it because it might ruin your relationship.

[Squirter69]

When I offer to give him space or even tell him I want to give him space, he says he doesn't want that. Then he tries even harder to show he likes me. Should I just accept that as his way of showing he cares? Or perhaps it's his way of trying to convince himself. I still don't know.

[Hawaii50]

When I offer to give him space or even tell him I want to give him space, he says he doesn't want that. Then he tries even harder to show he likes me. Should I just accept that as his way of showing he cares? Or perhaps it's his way of trying to convince himself. I still don't know.

 

 

Meh, he might not want it, but needs it. It's sounds like things happened so fast and he isn't over his ex. He's not dwelling on her, but not completely over her. The friend situation is a little sharper than average, too, so take that in to account.

 

also, your screen name is squirter69, he'll never leave you in his right mind.

[Squirter69]

What do you mean by sharper than average? Also I think I should mention we live in the same house together. I forgot to mention that in the original post but it definitely affects the relationship.

[Hawaii50]

What do you mean by sharper than average? Also I think I should mention we live in the same house together. I forgot to mention that in the original post but it definitely affects the relationship.

 

 

That's pretty important info, I think. Living together as well. Mighty-fast.

 

In regards tot the "sharper" comment... It would hurt, or at least I would feel MORE, if it was a friend and my ex then if it was just my ex and some random new guy. It's sharper and cut's deeper.

[darkmoon]

When I offer to give him space or even tell him I want to give him space, he says he doesn't want that. Then he tries even harder to show he likes me. Should I just accept that as his way of showing he cares? Or perhaps it's his way of trying to convince himself. I still don't know.

 

giving him space could even mean that he is made available for the ex,

giving space to think does not guarantee you get the outcome you want

[Squirter69]

Well we have been best friends for about 4 years and have lived together before I moved out and moved back in. I'm still not following what you mean. It would hurt her more or me more or him more?

[darkmoon]

Well we have been best friends for about 4 years and have lived together before I moved out and moved back in. I'm still not following what you mean. It would hurt her more or me more or him more?

 

if you are sure he'll come back from the space,

then i'm wrong and you have nothing to worry about

have you both agreed how much time you will be parted for?

are you both on the same page?

[Squirter69]

No we are not in agreement. He does not want to part at all. He wants no space. Says he has no feelings for her. Says he'd been waiting 4 years for this. Am i just being self-destructive?

[threebyfate]

If you're looking for an exclusive, monogamous relationship, this guy isn't interested in one. If you're looking for an FWB, you really have no right to insist on exclusivity unless this is what both of you agreed to when entering the FWB arrangement.

 

Right now, you're insisting on relationship benefits even though he's been clear that he doesn't want a relationship. Why would you do this?

[darkmoon]

No we are not in agreement. He does not want to part at all. He wants no space. Says he has no feelings for her. Says he'd been waiting 4 years for this. Am i just being self-destructive?

 

he deserves to be heard and given a chance

if you think you're shooting yourself in the foot,

then you are self-destructive

[Lucky_One]

He hides the fact that the two of you are somewhat of a couple?

 

Bad news. He is really enjoying the sex, he is really enjoying the ready availability of sex, and he doesn't want to lose that.

 

It is clear that you want a relationship, and it is clear that he is not going to give you that. You are not getting what you want/need, and he is getting what he wants/needs.

 

It doesn't matter if he wants space or not. Give it to him. You don't have to be his fall-back sex partner, because right now, that's all you are. You want more. Ask for what you want/need, and don't accept less.

[M.I.A]

Squirter69,

 

It seems your best friend is benefitting every aspect of your friendship while you’re the one ending up short. Both of you talk about everything and pretty much share everything as well, living together. However, I think the first thing you should do is move and, like the others have said, give him some space. The fact you’re living together will not make matters easier. I think you probably think if you give yourself sexually, feeding his sex drive, he will come around. I agree with the posts above, you need to have his full attention. A few months of a break up can be a little time to recover from the intimacy, comfort, and security he held with his ex. At this moment your best friend is not a good candidate for love, if that is what you’re looking for because the ghost of his ex is still haunting him. When you’re being haunted you have the tendency to make irrational decisions. I also think it was a mistake telling him how you felt when he confided with you about his break up because it may have been the trigger which influenced his decision and now he is contemplating that decision. He might want her back but the sexual intimacy you provide him keeps him from pursuing her and he might even blame you for the break up, unconsciously. I think it is possible to find out what he really feels towards you if you stop offering intimacy and sex. He will have to hold on to the friendship qualities you once had before the sex came. Another thing, I think saying things verbally states a sense of truth and the fact he is not being open about your “relationship” is a bit concerning, to me at least. You mentioned he became defensive about his ex-having something for someone else can mean you are trying too hard because you think you’re giving everything to him but he is not returning the same affection and it’s not fair. Hope the best for you. Guard your heart because you only have one.