Why marry if there will be no sex or children etc?

[The nihilst chick]

I am not trying to be a jerk. Someone bought up this point when commenting on a article bout 2 married asexuals. I got a bit angry but after thinkin bout it it seems pointless. Marriage is a contract i wont just have sex with you and run ill stay and help care of the kids.I dont think its really any point if i have no plans on doing those things. If i get married therell be no wedding to my parents dismay just straight to honeymoon. They encourage marriage but im like ehh. Marriage doesnt gurantee a thing i no people boyfriend and gf who been together longer than married couples.Also i think if you have money time etc its ok to hav kids outside of marriage,more than one partner etc as long as its not forced on anyone, your an adult etc.

 

What do you all think? Especially of the question in my title?

[samsungxoxo]

Marriage is a contract i wont just have sex with you and run ill stay and help care of the kids.I dont think its really any point if i have no plans on doing those things.

Says who? I want a childfree marriage in the future, by the time I'm somewhere in my 30's.

[SoleMate]

Financial advantages, including reduced taxes.

[Hawaii50]

Doesn't really matter, I assume you'll be common law in eyes of the court after a certain period of time anyways.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

You make it clear that sex and kids outside marriage are OK by you. So, I take your question as a kind of "thin end of the wedge" argument: if you can get people to agree with that then you would work on casting doubt on the general concept.

 

Perhaps not much support hereabouts for that POV:LSers in this forum tend to have been people who have fought for their marriage, even in difficulty. That's the difference: marriage is a mutual and public and legal commitment that when trouble comes - and trouble does, whether unemployment, health, old flames - the spouse will not just bail. It raises the "bailout threshold" so to speak. This is easily borne out by the stats - breakup rates for unmarried couples with kids are way way higher than for marrieds.

 

It's not just the bailout threshold. The act of a formal commitment makes it clear that marriage has boundaries and requires work to maintain. If you just drift into a relationship, well you can just drift out again.

 

Also, it's just about the biggest expression of love you can make. It provides emotional and financial security. I will agree that kids are a major driver - many of us got married after thinking "this is the person I want to have kids with" - but that is far from the only reason.

 

Being strongly anti-marriage tells something about you, OP. Why do you feel that way? What is it about your parents relationships or your own that make you feel this way?

Edited October 18, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[The nihilst chick]

Says who? I want a childfree marriage in the future, by the time I'm somewhere in my 30's.

Well im not saying marriages arent childfree if they are the couple usually still have sex. Children and/or sex are usually in marriages according to what i hear at least.

[Cb3657]

I read a article about 3-4 years back that convinced me that gay marriage was viable , the writer said there are 3 traditional thing that serve society about marriage

It provides comfort, companionship and a pair bond, that "tames" people and curbes the wilder instincts that do not serve society.

It provides a mutual support system for fiances and such

It provides a structure for raising/supporting children

The argument was that many marriages only serve one or two of these purposes and we still accept them as a society, think two retires getting married. I think really a bonded marriage is defined by the people in it, if it is really just about a deep connection and mutual support for getting through life I am ok with that. I personally would not want to be in a sexless marriage but I would not judge someone who was in one.

[suki1]

Why does it matter if a couple choose to have a relationship that does not involve sex? If both are happy with the arrangement then I honestly don't understand the objection. It may not suit everybody to have that arrangement but surely if it suits that couple then what's the problem? Love can exist without sex just as sex can exist without love.

[The nihilst chick]

Financial advantages, including reduced taxes.

Lol thats a good one.

[The nihilst chick]

Why does it matter if a couple choose to have a relationship that does not involve sex? If both are happy with the arrangement then I honestly don't understand the objection. It may not suit everybody to have that arrangement but surely if it suits that couple then what's the problem? Love can exist without sex just as sex can exist without love.

I agree to many it would be odd. In even some religions like Islam if your married you have to have children.

[The nihilst chick]

I read a article about 3-4 years back that convinced me that gay marriage was viable , the writer said there are 3 traditional thing that serve society about marriage

It provides comfort, companionship and a pair bond, that "tames" people and curbes the wilder instincts that do not serve society.

It provides a mutual support system for fiances and such

It provides a structure for raising/supporting children

The argument was that many marriages only serve one or two of these purposes and we still accept them as a society, think two retires getting married. I think really a bonded marriage is defined by the people in it, if it is really just about a deep connection and mutual support for getting through life I am ok with that. I personally would not want to be in a sexless marriage but I would not judge someone who was in one.

Thats interesting do you remeber the article name?

[The nihilst chick]

OP

 

You make it clear that sex and kids outside marriage are OK by you. So, I take your question as a kind of "thin end of the wedge" argument: if you can get people to agree with that then you would work on casting doubt on the general concept.

 

Perhaps not much support hereabouts for that POV:LSers in this forum tend to have been people who have fought for their marriage, even in difficulty. That's the difference: marriage is a mutual and public and legal commitment that when trouble comes - and trouble does, whether unemployment, health, old flames - the spouse will not just bail. It raises the "bailout threshold" so to speak. This is easily borne out by the stats - breakup rates for unmarried couples with kids are way way higher than for marrieds.

 

It's not just the bailout threshold. The act of a formal commitment makes it clear that marriage has boundaries and requires work to maintain. If you just drift into a relationship, well you can just drift out again.

 

Also, it's just about the biggest expression of love you can make. It provides emotional and financial security. I will agree that kids are a major driver - many of us got married after thinking "this is the person I want to have kids with" - but that is far from the only reason.

 

Being strongly anti-marriage tells something about you, OP. Why do you feel that way? What is it about your parents relationships or your own that make you feel this way?

 

For one my parents keep talking about divorce.My dad even has a woman he wants moving in with us and it is like wtf?! So soon? He says their married for show blah. They fight alot and my dad is a jerk to her. Only reason they are together is because divorce is expensive. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That is pretty high. Marriage is something to avoid for me as once i marry someone hard to get out if they are jerks like him. Marriage is overrated in my eyes.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

For one my parents keep talking about divorce.My dad even has a woman he wants moving in with us and it is like wtf?! So soon? He says their married for show blah. They fight alot and my dad is a jerk to her. Only reason they are together is because divorce is expensive. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That is pretty high. Marriage is something to avoid for me as once i marry someone hard to get out if they are jerks like him. Marriage is overrated in my eyes.

 

OP, that sounds really awful. I am so sorry.

 

Marriages are constructed out of what the partners bring to them. I think, with what you are bringing at the moment, marriage is not for you. Of course you are going to be more aware of the downside to an unhappy marriage than most people. But less aware of the upside of a happy one, also.

 

Some marriages are cages. Others are fortresses against the world, each containing a small civilization. When mine was good it was like that, and is now good again. It has not been easy. You may come to do better than me, and have a long happy marriage yourself: don't rule it out.

 

Best wishes.

[Cb3657]

No, I wish I could remember what the name of the article was because it was a very compelling argument. One of those rare moments when someone makes a strong reasoned argument that makes you rethink a fundemental belief you were carrying around.

In reading your posts it seems what you are really saying is you have seen many marriages that were like torture to people yet they stayed. I have been fortunate to date in my marriage although there were times I was unhappy not so much that I quit on it during those times you might have saw my marriage in that light however the added strength and support you get from a partner are not easy things to give up even if you go without them for a period. I will agree that some can hang on too long, for reasons I consider specious, like financial, money is rarely important enough to live through hell, maybe in a job but not at home.

[The nihilst chick]

For one my parents keep talking about divorce.My dad even has a woman he wants moving in with us and it is like wtf?! So soon? He says their married for show blah. They fight alot and my dad is a jerk to her. Only reason they are together is because divorce is expensive. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That is pretty high. Marriage is something to avoid for me as once i marry someone hard to get out if they are jerks like him. Marriage is overrated in my eyes.

 

OP, that sounds really awful. I am so sorry.

 

Marriages are constructed out of what the partners bring to them. I think, with what you are bringing at the moment, marriage is not for you. Of course you are going to be more aware of the downside to an unhappy marriage than most people. But less aware of the upside of a happy one, also.

 

Some marriages are cages. Others are fortresses against the world, each containing a small civilization. When mine was good it was like that, and is now good again. It has not been easy. You may come to do better than me, and have a long happy marriage yourself: don't rule it out.

 

Best wishes.

Yeah that is true. I dont mean to sound anti marriage but people say its wonderful and its like if so why such a high divorce rate? I think maybe people go into marriage thinkin its gonna be great etc but not realizing that it wont always be cheery. Once ppl leave the honeymoon stage its like ehhhh...

[Nyla]

Just because your parents have an unhappy marriage, it doesn't mean you will too.

[The nihilst chick]

Just because your parents have an unhappy marriage, it doesn't mean you will too.

That is true. It depends on what i think is important in my marriage on like for example sex is a big deal to many and when they dont get it things go downhill. It would be hard for me to find a marriage partner alot of people want sex not i.

[Trimmer]

For one my parents keep talking about divorce.My dad even has a woman he wants moving in with us and it is like wtf?! So soon? He says their married for show blah. They fight alot and my dad is a jerk to her. Only reason they are together is because divorce is expensive. 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. That is pretty high. Marriage is something to avoid for me as once i marry someone hard to get out if they are jerks like him. Marriage is overrated in my eyes.

Wow, that sucks about your parents. I remember when my parents divorced, it caused a lot of confusion and heartache for me. Just for context, so we know where you are in your life, how old are you at the moment?

[The nihilst chick]

Ill be fifteen in two months

[pink_sugar]

I know plenty of people who don't want kids, yet have the emotional and financial security marriage brings. I never understood why so many people think marriage means you must have kids.

[newmoon]

companionship i suppose. that is something we all need, particularly as we age. we want someone who will be there to take care of us and help us through things we face as we agrow older and canot care for ourselves 100%. if you don't already have children or a family, this is a viable solution. though this type of arrangement would primarily be for older adults since younger men, especially, would need sex in marriage

[Nyla]

I know plenty of people who don't want kids, yet have the emotional and financial security marriage brings. I never understood why so many people think marriage means you must have kids.

 

We are in a very happy childfree marriage. My husband has had a vasectomy.

 

With the faulty logic of marriage=kids, I guess that means that infertile people should never marry or anyone past childbearing age should not become a spouse.

 

I was anti marriage until I met my husband. My parents have a very unhappy marriage so that example turned me off. Thankfully, my husband and I are much happier than my parents will ever be. I was not a naive bride who never lived independently like my mother was. She has the big beautiful house and cars, but my mother lost love and trust for my father after he cheated. My mom stayed with him "for the kids", but really she wasn't brave enough to be single. He treats her like a slave.

 

All it takes is a special person to change a cynical person's mind.