I think I hate my mother...

[proactivedreamer]

My head is everywhere. My heart aches. I feel guilt, confusion, urgency; I want to know that I am good. I want to know that goodness radiates from the inside out, and I want to know that others can recognize it when they see it. But today I feel far from good. I feel like I am failing, somehow, as a person. I want to avoid going into details, but my relationship with my mother is failing and I don't know how or if I want to fix it. It's failing because of our final attempt at living under the same roof,and perhaps more than that.Some things have changed within the last few weeks(ex. she doesn't live in the house full time anymore. she is trying to reconcile her marriage), but somehow, despite the fact she is not here, we still bump heads. I am starting to feel something close to hatred towards this woman, and I am fighting desperately to feel something closer to compassion instead. I try so hard to see the good in her, but I just grit my teeth, and replay what she said to me today. It's scary to think that I had wanted to know this woman all my life, and after two decades of her enduring absence, I had this chance to get to know her beyond phone conversations, and this is the sum of our time spent. It's not just her, LSers, it's most of my relationships, my life, I feel like it's all spinning and I want to grab hold of something,but nothing is stable, nothing or no one is close enough. I just want to know how to fix it, but then I don't because it just seems like an endless, loveless,hopeless cycle, especially when it comes to family.I feel like no matter what I do there will be problems between my mother and I. I want to avoid appearing to be self-righteous because I know I don't always do right, but I know in the deepest parts of myself that I do try, and often times I succeed. Sometimes it seems when you try to love yourself more, people hate you more or accept you less. I am just having a rough night...

[whichwayisup]

What's the dynamic between you two? Has it always been rough? Give a few examples as to what she does to upset and piss you off.

 

All I know is, life is short. IF this is fixable, fix it. If not, accept it with no guilt and live your life. Accept who she is and detach knowing she has issues that have nothing to do with you (her emotional baggage is not your problem) and she doesn't know any better.

[proactivedreamer]

What's the dynamic between you two? Has it always been rough? Give a few examples as to what she does to upset and piss you off.

 

All I know is, life is short. IF this is fixable, fix it. If not, accept it with no guilt and live your life. Accept who she is and detach knowing she has issues that have nothing to do with you (her emotional baggage is not your problem) and she doesn't know any better.

 

Firstly, thanks for your response

 

Well, I posted a month or more ago about my issues with my mother and our living arrangement, and her failure to treat me like an adult. I am afraid to go into details because they seem very trivial-at least to me- by nature. This is all started last Friday. There is a large screen television in the common area of the house, which she has allowed me to use. She came by last Friday to pick up the money for rent, and saw that there was a game console hooked up to this television(there is also a dvd player and cable box hooked up). I happen to not be there at the time, so she unplugged it. I come home, and receive a text about an unrelated matter, which initially puts me off because of the tone of the text. She says "didn't I tell you to do something?" So she is already ordering me around. Anyways she returns home, and immediately says as she walks into the kitchen, "don't hook that game thing up to my tv." I simply ask "why?". She says "because it's mine, and don't question me about what I say." I say" I don't appreciate the way you are talking to me" I only asked why we can't hook the play station up to the tv. She goes onto say that I didn't even ask her to hook it up, and I have no right to question her about her things. For one, I am 26 years old. It's not like I was challenging her, or anything like that. It becomes a blow out because I am trying to express my need to be seen and spoken to as an adult, and trying to understand the issue with the game console being hooked up( We use for netflix), and I guess she just feels like I shouldn't question her. It's a big mess now. But what's at the core of it all for me is the fact that she always finds something wrong with what I am doing. And this ranges from how my room is or closing the shower curtain all the way--She literally tried to show me how to close a shower curtain! I do try, but sometimes fail to meet her cleanliness standards.

 

The last words she said to me-via text, was that I was a lazy, trifling, nasty woman who will never have anything because I am the aforementioned, and don't appreciate anything. This coming from a woman who abused drugs for more than 2 decades, has 6 baby daddies, and a failing marriage. Now,I during our text war, was cordial, didn't use any profanity, and definitely not once tried to say anything matter-of-factly about who she is as a woman or person for that matter. I have never not once made any references to her drug usage, her abandonment of her 7 children, or any of the like during any our arguments, so the fact that she would say that to me really shifted something in my heart. I have forgiven my mother for her absence, and all the pain that accompanied, and would never remind her of it! But she is ok with saying those things to me essentially because I questioned her about a TV? This is why I feel crazy because there seems to be no pleasing her. Am I wrong for not asking? It honestly didn't cross my mind to ask for permission because im not a child who can't be trusted to take care of things, and it'a game console which is created to be connected to a tv. Why would I think this would be bothersome? Am I am that absent-minded or inconsiderate? So there you go that's what the new fight of this week is about.