I cheated on my wife

[Sauron]

Please keep to the subject at hand. As it has been mentioned in this thread this is not about me, and I do not want to digress this thread by bickering with the group over the same old thing. And for your information the OP is not a BS either.

[woinlove]

There is an argument being made by other posters for blowing up your life and devestating those your care about because you had sex with someone else while you were married. Sex is nothing more than an indvidual experience. That is a crappy argument, both morally and in terms of the actual long term effects.

 

There are differences of opinions. Like it or not, most affairs happen and end in discretion unless one is a moron about it and does something stupid like confess everything. You want to forgive yourself fine, do it, you made a mistake. You want to talk to someone about it great you have an outlet right here. But then in the real world, keep quiet and take care of your family and let this episode fade. That's what most sane, rational reasonable people who have affairs would do.

 

You will get many opinions about confessing everything as the only way to fix your marriage that is told bullshxt and driving yourself off a cliff. A sure way to change your life for the negative. You want to confess go talk to a bartender or priest. Good luck to you.

 

But, Sauron you've been cheating for many years and plan to continue cheating. It really doesn't sound like the OP wants to spend his life that way. One doesn't have to be a moron (why the name calling for those who like to live authentically?) in order to want a marriage with deep connection and intimacy, and deception limits the connection and intimacy.

 

In my experience, a marriage which has openness and honesty creates a lot of connection and intimacy. Of course, after cheating, there is a chance the M will not survive. But if one wants a close connection and intimacy in one's M, I don't think one is going to get it through continued deception. Not to mention the personal cost of being that kind of person. Again, not everyone is like Sauron who seems to not be bothered by being deceitful.

[Sauron]

I have deep connections with all the women in my life. He made a mistake, fine get over it and move on. He can still have a deep connection with his wife without confessing. I did not say any specifc poster was a moron, only if they do something stupid like confess. He may not be cut out for having a lover, so be it, move on and focus on his family is what I said.

[Leegh]

I think you need to make a decision between the two women. I don't think you need to decide immediately, but take a couple of months. Should you decide to stay with your wife, I don't think you need to tell her if your affair is clearly over.

[CarboniteCammy]

OP, my suggestion is to really do some soul searching and figure out what is most important to you, and then stick with that decision.

 

I don't think I'd go with the OW option, though. She's probably not worth losing your kid over. Sounds like she doesn't have much self respect, and certainly doesn't respect her husband or her family. If you're looking for something long term with someone, I'd not bet on that horse.

 

My husband has always said, "If someone lies with you, they'll lie to you. If someone cheats with you, they'll cheat on you."

 

But, if those things aren't important to you, and you'd rather just have a bit of fun, then maybe the OW is who you want to be with.

[stillafool]

I say go be with the OW. It's what you really want right? You wife isn't meeting your needs or expectations and you sure in hell aren't meeting hers if you are giving to someone else. Be a big boy. Pick up the cojones and go for the whole pie.

 

I agree Bent. OP doesn't care a 'hill of beans' about his wife but only his child. What woman would want a man who is only with her to keep his child. If you no longer want your wife, man up and tell her then suffer the consequences. If you want to OW and she wants you you both should divorce and be together. Set your spouses free and stop living a lie.

[worldgonewrong]

There is an argument being made by other posters for blowing up your life and devestating those your care about because you had sex with someone else while you were married. Sex is nothing more than an indvidual experience. That is a crappy argument, both morally and in terms of the actual long term effects.

 

You have it wrong.

Sex is built into the marriage contract as an understanding between TWO people that you will be faithful to each other, that you take joy from each other, period. A marriage contract is not built upon looking over your shoulder at the next woman with a better-looking bod. Sex is just part of that contract -- it's a whole, big-picture with the root word "RESPECT" at its basis. A one-to-one deal.

 

If men (or women) can't hack it, they shouldn't be married. Period.

To be sneaky and lie, and create justifications for lovers on the side, reveals an emotional maturity that the person does not have the depth of character or commitment to be married in the first place.

 

In short, you can't have your cake and eat it too. That's childish thinking. If you've been given dessert, you don't secretly raid the pantry later and gorge on cake just because you can and it 'feels good'.

 

People who eff up marriages like this are all about instant gratification, stunted maturity. Some can emerge from the experiences better people with an appreciation of how much they've violated their marriages, while others just trip merrily along without comprehending the selfishness of their deeds. Those people in the selfish camp should have a mandatory tattoo on their forehead to warn the sane, good-hearted people when they're coming down the street.

 

And, p.s., having sex in the 2-yr-old's bedroom is just about the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. It speaks volumes. A violation on sooo many levels.

[Sauron]

It would be better for everyone if you let the OP decide what advice he wants and doesn't want. I am not argiung with anyones opinion just providing my own. Give your .02 worth and leave it that. Thanks for your understanding.

[woinlove]

It would be better for everyone if you let the OP decide what advice he wants and doesn't want. I am not argiung with anyones opinion just providing my own. Give your .02 worth and leave it that. Thanks for your understanding.

 

Except to say those who follow (and give?) advice that is opposite yours are morons. Although I agree you are not arguing against other opinions, just using derogatory namecalling against them.

[Sauron]

Except to say those who follow (and give?) advice that is opposite yours are morons. Although I agree you are not arguing against other opinions, just using derogatory namecalling against them.

 

Cmon WO, all I said is if someone confesses they are a moron. I didn't say anything about any poster in this thread, or their opinion. Please try and get back to the topic. PM me if you want to continue this discussion.

[Sauron]

If your advice is rotten (which it is), then I'm going to argue against it.

 

OP, do what you feel is right in your situation, but know this: the fallout with your BS will be lessened if you come forward and confess on your own.

 

Keeping that secret will eat away at your soul. It's not healthy.

 

My advice has the same value here that yours or anyone else's does.

 

From a personal point of view I can say that my soul is just fine and if the OP disengages, and forgets the whole experience his soul will be fine as well without confessing anything. Good luck OP.

[yessy21]

what she did to her husband. she will do to you.

[nofool4u]

I have deep connections with all the women in my life. He made a mistake, fine get over it and move on.

 

I thought you said its nothing more than an individual experience?

[woinlove]

ck, I agree with the posters who are arguing for being honest. I think continuing deception is not only a poor way to treat your wife, but it takes a toll on you too, unless you do not value honesty and are happy with your current behavior. I get the sense you are not happy.

 

I don't think choosing honesty makes you a moron and I don't think all the posters suggesting honesty, either because they made that choice or would make that choice, are morons. It just makes you (and them) people who choose openness and honesty in their primary, intimate relationships and like to treat others with respect. It can be one of the early steps onto a new path, if one has been having an A and wants to change. I think this is the case, whether you want to stay with your W, be with the OW, or be on your own.

[Sauron]

Choosing honesty creates 10X or 100X the problems you have today what for the sake of chivliary or some BS like that. Potentially sends your child to another country. Splits your assets by half, of which you may have signifcant legal bills, so maybe less than half, and creates misery and pain for everybody in your life. Or you could keep your mouth shut, man up and quit acting like an overly emotional woman (most of whom are posting on this thread, women who have been cheated on most likely), admit your mistake to yourself and promise to keep it in your pants and be a good boy from now on. Boy that is a real hard decsion you have to make. Regardless of which you choose, putting a loaded gun to your head and squeezing the triggar or just manning up and being quiet, good luck to you.

[JamesM]

Sex is built into the marriage contract as an understanding between TWO people that you will be faithful to each other, that you take joy from each other, period.

 

And when one breaks his or her part of the bargain, then shouldn't the other be allowed to break his or her end, too?

 

A broken contract is no longer a contract.

[Furious]

And when one breaks his or her part of the bargain, then shouldn't the other be allowed to break his or her end, too?

 

A broken contract is no longer a contract.

 

 

Sometimes it's simply having the courage to talk to your spouse and what your needs are, and insist on marriage counseling if those needs continue to be unmet, then divorce is a more logical option than resorting to cheating.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

if you decide that staying with your wife then you owe it to her to do so decently and honestly...

 

it's been said on here by some that the best course of action is to keep mr. happy in your pants and keep your mouth shut. The only way that would ever work is if there is zero chance of your wife ever finding out, and that is impossible. Let's assume that your other woman's husband ( or your other woman herself) decides to spill the beans? what will you do then/ Continue to lie? make your wife feel guilty for even thinking of believing the truth? what if you've picked up and STD from your other woman and it gets passed along to your wife? How will you explain that? ( and don't say " but we used protection!" ..tell that to the woman I know who found out her husband was cheating when her doctor told her she had caught syphilis...) how would you handle that? what possible lie would cover your butt then? " i got it from a toilet seat"?)

 

the simple fact of the matter is that you messed up...big time. now you need to start making decisions, but remember this...whatever happens will happen because of choices you made. That, my friend, is all on you and no one else.

[ThatJustHappened]

And when one breaks his or her part of the bargain, then shouldn't the other be allowed to break his or her end, too?

 

A broken contract is no longer a contract.

 

So..are you saying that you think two wrongs make a right?

[Sauron]

I thought you said its nothing more than an individual experience?

 

You should stay on topic. What I said was that sex is an individual experience. Sex is an activity experiened by the individual particpant. I suppose many on here equate sex with another person in an entirley different context. Good or pleasureable sex is much better with the connection and the deeper the connection the better the sex.

[Sauron]

You have it wrong.

Sex is built into the marriage contract as an understanding between TWO people that you will be faithful to each other, that you take joy from each other, period. A marriage contract is not built upon looking over your shoulder at the next woman with a better-looking bod. Sex is just part of that contract -- it's a whole, big-picture with the root word "RESPECT" at its basis. A one-to-one deal.

 

If men (or women) can't hack it, they shouldn't be married. Period.

To be sneaky and lie, and create justifications for lovers on the side, reveals an emotional maturity that the person does not have the depth of character or commitment to be married in the first place.

 

In short, you can't have your cake and eat it too. That's childish thinking. If you've been given dessert, you don't secretly raid the pantry later and gorge on cake just because you can and it 'feels good'.

 

People who eff up marriages like this are all about instant gratification, stunted maturity. Some can emerge from the experiences better people with an appreciation of how much they've violated their marriages, while others just trip merrily along without comprehending the selfishness of their deeds. Those people in the selfish camp should have a mandatory tattoo on their forehead to warn the sane, good-hearted people when they're coming down the street.

 

And, p.s., having sex in the 2-yr-old's bedroom is just about the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. It speaks volumes. A violation on sooo many levels.

 

I find what I need outside of my marriage for a lot of complex reasons that no one here will ever understand. In your particular case you made a mistake. That is all it is, a mistake. Fix it and move on with your life like most rational people would do. No reason to hit the self destruct button on your current life. You should do everything humanely possible to keep this under the radar. Also quit beating yourself up for responding to your male nature. Attractive, smart female wanted you. I am sure you will find that on here there will be men lining up telling you how good they are at denying that, great for them. Remember that most affairs end in total discretion. Discovery is the exception not the rule. Fix it and move on. Good luck to you.

Edited October 31, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JamesM]

Sometimes it's simply having the courage to talk to your spouse and what your needs are, and insist on marriage counseling if those needs continue to be unmet, then divorce is a more logical option than resorting to cheating.

 

Actually, I think it depends on the situation. Should the OP's wife try counseling or divorce? If the person went into an affair due to an unmet need, will counseling fix both of their problems?

 

If the OP simply goes on with his marriage without mentioning this affair and he can live with it, then his marriage will survive and perhaps thrive as he has learned his lesson. Is the marriage going to be viable?

 

And no, the logical option is not always divorce.

 

So..are you saying that you think two wrongs make a right?

 

Does it look like I am?

[frozensprouts]

Op,

I don't know what your home life is like, what your wife is like or that much about you at all...

 

if you're cheating because there's some need your wife doesn't need, have you told her that this need isn't being met ? After all, it's pretty unfair for your to, in effect, punish your wife , who you is a good and caring woman, for not meeting a need she doesn't know exits ( if it's lack of sex, when did it start? before or after you met the woman at work?) It sounds like she is really kind hearted and trusting...she even jokes with you about your "work wife' but still trusts you not to cheat. Sounds like she thinks the world of you.

 

The idea that sex is an individual experience may be true if you were single, but when you get married and blend your life with another, you agree not to bring anyone else into the relationship without their permission. Cheating breaks that agreement, as you exposure your wife ( and child) to a whole range of effects that you may not have even thought of.

I have experience with that myself. My husband had some issues ( not with me, but in other areas of his life) and he cheated. We reconciled, but his ex other woman, whom he thought was a nice person, turned out o be , well, kind of nutty, and my kids and I had to deal with her for about two years before we were able to get rid of her from calling, emailing, upsetting my kids ( so much she even made them cry once) and sitting outside our house in her car staring at our kids and me playing out in the yard quite often ( worse stuff than that too, but I won't get into it all here). My point is that I never asked to have all that cr@p invited into my life. It was done without my permission. When you cheat, you invite someone else into your life ( which includes your marriage and the life of your child) , and really, you ultimately have zero control over what that person will do. The nicest most sane seeming person can go off the deep end if they feel sad, angry or slighted...

does this sound fair to your wife?

[ThatJustHappened]

 

 

Does it look like I am?

 

 

I don't know. Kind of? I hope not.

 

I'm also sick and my brain's not working all that well right now so I could most definitely be misinterpreting stuff.

[Furious]

Actually, I think it depends on the situation. Should the OP's wife try counseling or divorce? If the person went into an affair due to an unmet need, will counseling fix both of their problems?

 

If the OP simply goes on with his marriage without mentioning this affair and he can live with it, then his marriage will survive and perhaps thrive as he has learned his lesson. Is the marriage going to be viable?

 

And no, the logical option is not always divorce.

 

 

 

Does it look like I am?

 

 

 

 

Earlier in this thread you advocated marriage counseling for the OP, you also advocated that the OP should confess his affair to his wife.

 

Now with this post you seem to be saying the opposit.

 

I'm confused where you're coming from.