soapopera Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) Its been a year since our brief 2 month relationship. We broke up on good terms, mutually, and genuinely agreed to stay friends after a few months of not talking so he could have the time he needed. It was a very peaceful breakup, Occasionally I'll say hi online. No flirting, I keep it platonic. I don't have feelings for him or want a relationship with him. I live in another state now so rarely get to see him. I'm coming to town for a wedding an hour from where he is, and I let him know. but he won't come to see me, because it's a weekday for him and I'll be an hour away. I'm annoyed because I always try to stay friends with my exes (and it usually works out fine) but he won't even come to see me in this very rare occasion that I'm in town. Why bother to be friends if he won't even hang out with me? Why won't he hang out with me? He's not seeing anyone else, so it's not like it would be weird. It's not like his job is demanding or that he ever has anything to do in the evenings and couldn't make time to see me. I would make time for any friend that came to town and let me know if I cared about them as a friend. Why would you not want to see your ex, if you were still friends.? Just wanting to get some other perspectives on this. Even if he had no feelings for me, because I am his friend, I would think that he cared enough about the friendship (outside of any history) to at least hang out. To me, A friend who is too lazy to see you because you're an hour away on an evening he has nothing else to do is not truly a friend. I'm trying to figure out if we actually have a friendship at all, or if maybe I'm missing something. For a while, I really thought we had a friendship going. Maybe I'm just being dumb. Edited October 18, 2012 by soapopera Link to post Share on other sites
Calico Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Why would you not want to see your ex, if you were still friends.? Just wanting to get some other perspectives on this. Because it's about as enjoyable as a root canal treatment when one person only agreed to friendship because they wanted to be "nice" or because they still have romantic feelings for the other person. Why he doesn't want to hang out with you is a question you need to ask him. He may even tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Ready for the truth??? Guys don't travel 1 hour to not get some, period. You said you've shown no interest, all platonic. Well he's considering the chance of getting laid X , vs the cost of gas Y. The ensuing equation works like this X-Y=you don't see him. Just as an experiment try this. Tell him you've been wanting him sexually recently (put it in your own words). Watch how his attitude changes. Us men only think with 1 head when emotions aren't involved, no not the one on our necks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Why would you not want to see your ex, if you were still friends.? Just wanting to get some other perspectives on this. I think you're a little bit naive here. You say it was a "peaceful" breakup, and then you state that he needed months of NC to move on. Clearly it wasn't all THAT peaceful, and it sounds like you were just like, "Eh, I really don't have feelings for you anymore, but we can still be friends! Let's hang out!" That's a little weird. And he doesn't want to see you because you're NOT friends. He's your ex. He was hurt by you. You can't really be surprised that he doesn't want to waste 2 hours of his life driving to see you and possibly stir up old feelings. And Navy is right. He's not going to drive all that way to go hang out to just watch TV. You live in another state, you don't see him, you don't hang with him or his friends, you aren't part of his family, you talk to him online sometimes... this isn't a friendship. He's an acquaintance at best. You can't force someone to be your "friend" and it's clear he doesn't really want to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 you dated for two months....... A year ago....... What aren't you getting? Two months is fling. A year is long enough to forget and move on. You can be friendly, but honestly with a past relationship that only lasted two months where is the emotional bond to warrent such a friendship?? Link to post Share on other sites
a.b Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Ready for the truth??? Guys don't travel 1 hour to not get some, period. You said you've shown no interest, all platonic. Well he's considering the chance of getting laid X , vs the cost of gas Y. The ensuing equation works like this X-Y=you don't see him. Just as an experiment try this. Tell him you've been wanting him sexually recently (put it in your own words). Watch how his attitude changes. Us men only think with 1 head when emotions aren't involved, no not the one on our necks. I disagree, but I think you are right in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soapopera Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Most probably the best explanation that's right on the dot. However, you didn't give us any information about your ex. If he's an *******, then NavyAirTraffic's point of view applies perfectly. However, if he's genuinely a nice and kind guy, maybe he doesn't want to hang out because he might develop feelings for you that he doesn't want to entertain. Again, it's dependent on how you know this guy. I would definitely go with he is a genuinely nice guy. It wasn't a fling for him. I was his first gf and he took it really seriously and even got an ulcer when we broke up and had feelings for a long time after that (he told me). And yes, we wear friends beforehand. He still wishes me happy birthday and all. I disagree with the person above that at least in our case, there's no emotional basis for a friendship. Then I also wonder if maybe the friendship we had at least initially was solely due to his residual feelings. After he recently dated and broke up with another girl for a few weeks, his demeanor has changed entirely. reality is a good mirror- I guess I placed more value in our friendship than the circumstances warranted. That's fine. Its just a matter of expectations i guess. Maybe he's afraid to stir up old feelings but I doubt it. He doesn't care enough anymore to travel all the way. You are all right. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 or, the flipside of that is WTF do YOU care so much about hanging out with a dude you crushed a year ago that spent months getting over you? Link to post Share on other sites
JayL Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) You're someone who belongs in his past. You may be friends now, but you're a friend that is NOT in that "friend" zone. You're his ex, you've had sex, he will NEVER see you the same way again as a "normal" friend. As a male person who has been hurt. If I am to see an ex who I call a "friend", I've only agreed to be friends to be nice. I am friends with some of my exes that I've split in 2 categories. 1) Ex girlfriend who is now my friend that I did not have strong feelings for nor cared much about : My sex option if I'm on women recession. I've got 2 of them. 2) Ex girlfriend who is now my friend that I had very strong feelings for and cared for so much in the past : I just said yes, let's be friends to be nice, but I will never want to see them and risk having old feelings come back and get f'd over again. I've got 1, but we don't talk at all. You said you only dated for 2 months, which really doesn't matter. A couple can date for 10 years and have no emotional attachments at all. I was in an almost 2 years relationship and I had no emotional attachment to my girlfriend at that time. I liked her a lot, i adored her a lot, treated her right, but I couldn't find the emotional connection at all. I was sad when we broke up, I missed her company, but that's about it, nothing more. On the other hand, just over a month ago, I dated a girl for a month and a half, who I rapidly fell in love for. I felt really connected with her in every way, just to find out that she really wasn't as into me as I was into her, that she liked me, but she couldn't find that connection. When we broke up, I was crushed and even up to now, it's been almost a month and a half, I'm still not over her. It's not the length of time that a couple has been together. It's the "quality" of the moments that two people shared. Quality > Quantity He does not want to hang out with you for a reason. Let him be and consider his feelings that you've already crushed in the past. Edited October 18, 2012 by JayL Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 I think you should hang out with a real friend, not an ex. Maybe it's weird/ painful for him. Link to post Share on other sites
colombiana28 Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 TBH, it seems downright cruel to expect him to be buddy buddy with you. Link to post Share on other sites
barese1 Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 Because it's about as enjoyable as a root canal treatment when one person only agreed to friendship because they wanted to be "nice" or because they still have romantic feelings for the other person. Why he doesn't want to hang out with you is a question you need to ask him. He may even tell you. Bang on. Someone always has feelings still. F&cking simple do you really need any more advice on this. Better is when someone says to be friends and actually couldn't give a sh^t about you. That's suicidal fuel. Leave the man alone Link to post Share on other sites
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