Is she just here to hang out?

[baseball]

My wife and I have been going through tough times in our relationship. We have one child together and one from my past. We haven't had sexual contact in five months. She has said she wants to leave but has not. I found a recent email paper that she had cheated and sounded like the guy wants to live with her. She said he wasn't going to live with her. She said it was a one time thing and said she only talked to him by email since. I also found a paper where she had reserved an apartment for 9/01/04. I asked her if she paid any money yet and she said no but I think she has. When I told her I found out she was very emotional for two to three days. I have told her to go if unhappy but she said she had no place to stay. She has go back and forth over the last 5 months about us. I want to work on this but she thinks I wont keep it in the past. She took my appointment with our counselor (we go to the same person but never at same time) because she wanted to talk to him and while she is there schedule a time for us both to go at the same time. We still talk but very little regarding this situation. She said she contacted the the counsiler when she switched our appointment and asked if I could forgive and forget and he said yes. I'm thinking yahoo! I asked her if she was starting to choose a decision and she said she may work on this but is unsure because she dent think I could drop the past. I don't even want to think of the past!Today before she went I asked if she was going to go into this with an open mind and she said she didn't want to talk about it at that time but we will talk later. She did say she was going to get us both in there very quick if we can. The other thing she told me was that she was going to have a few drinks with friends when she gets out from our counselors. That is where some of where the trouble started. I'm thinking thats not good and cant get out of my mind its to celebrate

 

What do you guys think? Is she going to try? If she had no place to go would she drag this along? How should I go about my tough spot? If she does tell me she is done for sure should I make her go on the spot? Why does she want to keep this from the friends I know? Why would she ask if I will ask anymore questions about him? Why would she still let me massage her and cuddle in bed? By the way Im mr baseball it logges me out on.

[StartingAgain]

Your situation sounds very much like mine -- several exact parallels. Welcome to the club! But I'm sorry you are a member. Believe me, your wife has every intention of living with her OM. She's been staying with you, letting you support her, while she and her lover have been secretely making arrangements. Brace yourself. One of the arrangements she's probably been making is to see a divorce lawyer. Seeing the marriage councelor is just for show.

 

You are being set up. My ex-wife did the exact same thing to me. She lived with me, spent my money, ate my food, drove the new car I bought her, wore the clothes I bought her. She even went into marital therapy (but refused to do the work). She refused to have sex with me, starting six months before she left. All the while she was doing this, she was sneaking off to screw her OM, looking at houses with him, opening up bank accounts, transferring money, and seeing a divorce lawyer for months before she ever uttered the word "divorce." By the time she did, she had everything set up and ready to go; her lawyer was already drawing up the divorce papers.

 

My ex steadfastly denied that she was having anything to do with her OM. She swore she'd ended the relationship. She admitted twice that he had called her, but that was all. She was lying.

 

I doubt very seriously that your wife left the councelor's office and went out with friends for a drink. Oh, she may have stopped in for a quick one so that if you ever asked anyone she'd be covered. But she really went to see her lover. My wife used to do the same thing. She'd claim that some people from work were going out for a drink and a bite to eat at such-and-such place, so she wouldn't be home until about 8:30. Once, I went to the place she said she'd be at about 6:00 (they were supposed to arrive there at 5:00). Neither she nor anyone whe worked with was there. I never told her I did this. But when she got home that evening, I asked her if she's spoken to her OM recently -- if he was still calling her. She said that as a matter of fact, he'd called her that day, but she'd told him she couldn't talk to him. She gave me a guilty look and changed the subject. She started telling me about the evening she'd just had, who was there, jokes that were told, what she ate, etc. I pondered stopping her to tell her that I'd gone there, but thought that it would be pointless to let her know I'd caught her.

 

When a woman is having an affair, you don't believe a word she says. While she is in that relationship she will not work on her marriage.

 

You ask whether you should make her go on the spot when she says she's done. Unfortunately, you cannot do that. The laws of all states prevent you from making her leave the marital home. If she doesn't want to go, you can't make her without a court order.

 

I think you are going to have to tell her that she must end her relationship with her lover, sever all contact, submit to being scrutinized and checked up on, and that she must begin REAL marital therapy immediately. If she doesn't, you are filing for divorce. But I'd be willing to bet money that when you say this to her she's going to tell you she's finished and you'll learn just how far along her plans are. I'd suggest that you consult a lawyer yourself, so that you won't be blind-sided and will be prepared. If you can get the required proof, sue her for divorce on grounds of adultry. Make it a matter of public record.

 

Why doesn't she want you to talk to your frends about this? Easy... She doesn't want anyone to know she's an adultress. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She probably has every intention of telling everyone that she left you becuase you are a bad husband or something. My ex told her friends and family that she left me because I was verbally abusive. She got the "oh you poor woman!" response she wanted and she gets to live with her homewrecker. What a great deal!

 

Man I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Don't let her drag this out, because it is YOU not her who has to pick up the emotional tab for her affair.

[Mr baseball]

Part of me can see that writing on the wall. I have talked with a lawyer. My wife told me in the past we didn't need one and we could do it. I told her Monday of this week was "d" day. She didn't say anything at first but we had a talk and she said she wanted to wait until she saw the councelor on Thursday of this week to talk to him and see when we both could get in. She said she learned about her and I so She made us an appointment for Tuesday. This will be the first with us both there. He called me to give a heads up about what that appointment will be about. He said he was going to give us tools to get along for a week so we can get in for another appointment. I told him we work on this or its over because I see only two ways to fix this. He also said that he thinks she wants to try or he wouldn't have made that appointment. He told her not to make any decisions on our relationship and she agreed. I told him I will not go if its to explain the end is here. He said he wouldn't have made an appointment for that. She will have to tell me that on her own. I also told him that the om must go if still here. I can also tell you if at anytime I think this is a game its all off. I have been looking that wall over and over.

[supermom]

I totally agree with what StartingAgain said. He made a lot of sence!! I would definetly follow his advise!

 

I see we're fellow Arizonians

 

If you don't have kids, you can get a divorce really easy. I did w/o lawyers. Filed myself and saved so much money, at least $150.

 

I think she is seeing her OM too. It all just sounds too fishy. Infact, I was thinking the same thing before I read StartingAgain's post.

 

Good luck. It sucks when your heart is breaking!

[StartingAgain]

Well if the MC doesn't tell her point blank that Job Number One here is to end her affair and never contact her OM again as long as she lives, he won't be doing his job. It will be impossible to accomplish anything in counceling as long as she is involved with him. When someone has an affair and wants to save their marriage (it can be done), they have to understand that until trust is rebuilt, the wounded spouse gets to call all the shots. the wandering MUST submit. That may sound harsh, but if you are screwing around, you've f'ed up big time and you have to pay the price.

 

Agree this time that "D day" will be moved to theday you see the councelor. But never back down again. Make sure both she and the councelor understands this. In fact, were I you, I'd call the councelor and tell him that one of the things you want to do is give your wife the ultimatum in session and see what he says. He may advise that he wants this to wait a bit, but he may also think that it's a good idea, since it would give your wife a much needed wake up call.

[Baseball]

I think I will find out Tuesday! I wonder if she will go to the MC. My wife has issues. She shows signs of hard core depression and has a drinking problem. She will self medicate with booze which is a downer go figure? Friday was a good night with her but Saturday was not as good. I think come Tuesday her mood will play a large part. I think she will chicken out.

 

I know it is hard to trust at this time but some is still there. I may be stupid but I still love my wife and for years we were best friends. I have missed my wife and hate to see all her pain. I asked her the day I found out if she could let OM go and she said yes without hesitation. She knows that will have to be the case or she is crazy. She has said that her fear is that I will throw the affair in her face someday in a spat. I ask myself what the "F" makes her think I want to even think of that ever again? I will move on but not sure what fork in the road I will choose.

 

Friday I talked to the MC on the phone. I asked him what the rules are for our appointment on Tuesday? He said "no he said she said" will go on there. He also said that he will give us tools to co-exist until he can make another appointment next week. This made no sense to me. Why would he make us go another week like this? I asked him by the way she is feeling at this time does he think she is regretful and he said that she has been in a lot of pain the last five months. He told me that a large part of our problem is we do not communicate in the right way. He left me with advise not to fight with her or try to patch thing up over the weekend.

 

Friday night I talked to my wife. She said the MC told her he was a little hesitant to see us because we are volital. He said I push her buttons and she likes them pushed. He also said that she does not communicate and I do it too much. She told me that he told her that she communicates through sex and when she stopped the communication thats when our sex stopped.

 

My wife has stated that she wanted to live on her own two times in our relationship. One of those times was four years ago and just five months ago on the second time. She feels that she needs to prove that she can do it because she has never been on her own. My mistake may be that I provided most everything for her and she was able to keep her own money and do as she pleased.

 

Im mr baseball it keeps logging me out!