CostaMesaStudent Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) Well, I met my ex 5 months ago. Everything was perfect, he was funny and sweet. 1 month down the road, he started the name calling and compared me to other guys, putting me dow, but i always let go. A month ago, somehow he snapped at me for the first time and he tried to kick me, he spitted on my face and call me 'worthless piece of s*" I didn't know what to do. I was so scared that I held in all that fear and resentment. I tried to be more understanding and thought it was because of this mental condition: he's got severe depression, ADD, anxiety, bipolarity, anger issues and high blood pressure. After that, nothing was the same. I even agreed on watch my mouth at all times in order to keep him calm. He got physical a week later when i asked him to leave the car. I said to him that i was upset (waited for 2 hours in a parking lot) and we should talk the day after but he said that i just wanted to get rid of him and wouldn't leave. He was calm and wanted to talk at that very moment, but I didn't really want to. He whipped me with a electric chord and broke my glasses.I just wanted to be left alone that night. Our last fight was when I was irritated and didn't want to talk, at that point whatever he did or said just bugged me. He was emotional that night and I just couldn't stand it anymore and he broke up with me. I wanted him to stay and talk, and I wouldn't let him go, until he got violent again. I'm not perfect myself, I'm sure I hurt him too, but never thought it would get this bad. Now, it's over, and he still calls me or txts me to say "you useless bastard. F*ing inmigrant. Piece of s*" and I don't know why I feel that i deserve it. I feel I made worse his mental stage for not having been more understanding. When he broke up with me, he said we can't be nothing more than friends, and he wasn't attracted to me which killed me! Everytime he was mad he used to say the meanest things in this world. What do I do? I'm sad because I feel that i failed and hurt someone way too much. Now he is about to check-in at a psyc hospital, and he hates me. I feel like the worst person in the world.. and it's making me feel depressed Edited October 18, 2012 by CostaMesaStudent grammar Link to post Share on other sites
PYTpisces Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Hear me correctly on this. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE PUT DOWN OR PHYSICALLY HURT. Do me a favor and stay away from this psycho. You're not crazy or guilty of anything. Abuse partners successfully make their victims believe it's all their fault, and they effectively strip you of your self esteem and sense of self worth. Please get him out of your life, and seek help for yourself as well. You may need a good therapist to help you find yourself again. You deserve respect. Love is patient and kind. Pain is not love, it's pain! Be kind to yourself and take that step toward love---loving yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 you need therapy. You don't need to be understanding. You don't need his approval. Keep away from this man. Trust me. I had this experience and it never got better. Only worse and more messed up. You really need therapy. Not because you're ****ed up but because you need help getting your equilibrium back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CostaMesaStudent Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 I still feel guilty because I provoked him and i could have avoided it. But, at the end, i just lost my patience with him. Couldn't handle it anymore. Lately, I've not been able to sleep or be productive at work because of my guilty conscious. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 1 - YOU are not responsible for his mental issues or any of his other issues. They were part of his life long before you came along. 2 - He doesn't hate YOU. He hates himself. You are simply an outlet for his internal self-loathing. Notice that he didn't start abusing you until he felt close to you. This is because he hates himself, doesn't understand how ANYONE could love him, and so he abused you as an extension of himself. 3 - If he had hit you on the first date, you would have walked away. It doesn't work that way. Abuse is like the frog-in-boiling-water thing. They start with calling you a name, followed by tears and apologies. When you don't leave, they do it again. Slowly, they ramp up the abuse until it is full-on physical. BUT - they are abusing you mentally at the same time. They BLAME you. They call you horrible names. Eventually, you start to believe what they are saying! You MUST be a nasty whore slut, or he would be able to love you. Since he is hurting you, what he is saying must be true, right? But the thing is - it's all manipulation. And his issues have NOTHING to do with you or what you've done or who you are. It's just easier to blame you and hit you and hurt you than it is to work on the pain within himself. I am glad he is getting help. But don't let yourself believe for one moment that it's YOUR FAULT he is there. This has nothing to do with you. Perhaps you should block him on your phone so you don't see his continued abusive texts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I still feel guilty because I provoked him and i could have avoided it. But, at the end, i just lost my patience with him. Couldn't handle it anymore. Lately, I've not been able to sleep or be productive at work because of my guilty conscious. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You didn't provoke him - he was already on edge, and you could have been a model citizen or a blow-up doll, and he still would have needed an outlet for his pain and anger. You went into a relationship with the best of intentions - looking for LOVE. That is nothing to be guilty for. It is not your fault he has major issues. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 (edited) I want you to listen to me and listen good...eh? When people do terrible things to us, but we still love them, we try to analyze what they did. We want an explanation because how can they just be so cruel to us...right? We figure, "if I could just been a little more patient, a little nicer...I need to try to understand him. It's not his fault, he has so many problems, I need to be understanding..." BUNK! Listen, I was like you. My ex didn't physically hurt me, but he was very cruel to me...very cruel. I tried to figure out why. I tried to make excuses. I shouldered part of the blame. But here's a cold hard fact: It doesn't matter!!! It doesn't matter why he did those things to you. It doesn't matter that he has all of these devastating conditions. It doesn't matter if he needs more patience. None of this matters. Believe me when I tell you that none of this matters. There's only one thing that matters. He was very physically abusive toward you. Why, does not matter. It just doesn't matter. Stay away from him. That's the bottom line. And don't try to figure him out. He is highly dysfunctional. His brain is not normal. Don't try to "save him from himself." If you try to see him again and this time will be more understanding, the same thing will happen because people like that DRAIN people of all of their compassion and all of their understanding. There will always been a terrible physically abusive event right around the corner, no matter how much compassion you show this person. All you need to know is that he is sick and you can NOT cure him. Stay away. Take care of you. Edited October 18, 2012 by CopingGal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I would get into therapy. You were attracted to him and unless you dig deep within yourself to figure out why, you may very well make another bad choice in the future. Don't think about him. Focus on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CostaMesaStudent Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Thanks for your opinion. It's making me feel a tad better. I'm seeking for professional help. I'm not who I used to be. I have no patience anymore. I'm not gonna lie, but I DID provoke him in a few ocassions, and that's messing with my head right now, that's why i feel so bad. I've been thinking of restriction order. I've got this weird feeling that something may happen to me cuz he knows where I live. I really hope he gets better, just can't believe that someone could go from sweet to a monster. I even apologized for all my actions. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 abuse is a cycle .....a cycle that gradually wears you down,abuse defeats your spirit before it defeats your body.....you get used to it it becomes second nature to watch fro signs and however you think you have the mediation down pat to avoid that cycle it is impossible to determine what triggers every episode.A lot of abusers will blame the victim you made me do it you are so stupid you are nothing you dont deserve me look at what i have to put up with...all these things do not point to mental illness they point to a manipulative personality.People who are mentally ill can be abusive .....i am mentally ill but because i have had abuse in my life i am the opposite ....i do not abuse i remove myself from situations where i am angry because anger depresses me......abuse does not come hand in hand with mental illness it is a misconception mental illness causes people to be abusive.....people are abusive because they want to be abusive...sick or not....in the place where there are many violent and sick people a psyche center funnily enough there is no violence.......and its not about the meds its the fact mentally ill people in psyche centers know if they muck up they have to face the consequences...so they dont muck up.....this is for the majority, the minority are the deranged....and they are isolated from general population mentally ill people still have to live in the real world however detached from reality they are.....we have to follow the law and that is, abuse is not tolerated...it isn't tolerated in psyche centers either.....laws are meant to be followed for all walks of life....for a reason to protect people from abuse......often it is easy for the victim to put onus on his or herself (to own the abuse) as then it gives credence to having to live with it...it is trying to take control of the abuse the only way a victim can...by owning it...... this is the cycle that abusers and victims dance to...and it is complex....you need to stay away from your abuser before he kills your spirit ...you don't deserve it....you will never own the abuse he gives you....however much you think you do ........you do not have to own his hate toward you...you are not responsible for his shortcomings or his mental illness...you have been courageous.....long enough....be braver.....walk away..and i know it isnt easy when you are conditioned to take abuse you put up with more than you should...here is hug from me to you for your journey...someone ......a loving man is waiting for someone as brave as you waiting to show you what real love feels like..wanting and waiting to appreciate your spirit that has not died but waits for fulfillment.i wish you happiness in life and love....deb Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Thanks for your opinion. It's making me feel a tad better. I'm seeking for professional help. I'm not who I used to be. I have no patience anymore. I'm not gonna lie, but I DID provoke him in a few ocassions, and that's messing with my head right now, that's why i feel so bad. I've been thinking of restriction order. I've got this weird feeling that something may happen to me cuz he knows where I live. I really hope he gets better, just can't believe that someone could go from sweet to a monster. I even apologized for all my actions. "but I DID provoke him in a few ocassions, and that's messing with my head right now, that's why i feel so bad." AND THIS "I even apologized for all my actions" THESE ARE YOUR WORDS AND SHOWING YOU ARE TRYING TO OWN AND JUSTIFY THE ABUSE....... He would have abused you anyway no matter what you did no matter what you said or how you acted when he was abusing you.You are human...people make mistakes all the time in actions thoughts and deeds.....most people dont get a back hand when they do say something wrong...you do not own the abuse from him...he owns it and always will .......until he recognises what he does is wrong..and takes ownership of the abuse with no blame at all towards you..he willl not change.......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author CostaMesaStudent Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Thank you guys. Last few days have been a trip. Im going out w/ my friends a lot. Still fighting with my demons. I know everything will be fine. I am inmature, and learning. Hope he gets better, and I find happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 There will always be some serious, serious problem. You can be the very, very, very best person you can be and it won't be enough. It just won't be enough. This person has several conditions. It's going to take YEARS for this person be even close to alright. Just get out. Just get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CostaMesaStudent Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 I think I might have depression guys. I read your comments, but I don't understand why I still feel so down and out and why the guilt hasn't gone away. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 I think I might have depression guys. I read your comments, but I don't understand why I still feel so down and out and why the guilt hasn't gone away. I think you may have PTSD, which is VERY common when coming out of an abusive relationship. Find some help for yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CostaMesaStudent Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 Wow Do you really think I might have PTSD? I already made an appointment with my therapist 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 I'm glad you're on top of things. Good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted October 25, 2012 Share Posted October 25, 2012 Abusers are masters of guilt reversal, blame reversal, and projection. They leave a relationship with ZERO guilt while the one who is the victim feels guilty and responsible. Link to post Share on other sites
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