4 Year girlfriend is totally ignoring me

[max921860]

So I have posted a couple of times on this forum and not gotten much feedback, so I wanted to try one last time for some advice.

 

Short and sweet history. We just had our four year anniversary together but much has changed over the last few months. For the most part, we have had a great relationship. Most of the problems we have had were due to her lack of time available to spend with each other due to her other responsibilities with family, personal interests, and other things. I most often during the relationship has been the one that tries to get us together. It was not always that way especially in the beginning. She would pursue me quite a bit and I always liked that. As the relationship went on, we would regularly get into an argument because I felt like she was not putting as much effort into the relationship and I was not a priority in her life. This would upset her and she would always say that she is stressed with other things going on and I needed to understand that she does not have as much time as I do. I accepted this most of the time, but periods of weeks can go by and I was getting frustrated that we would not spend time together. This in turn would stress her out and she was quick to say, this is what I can offer and you can accept it or leave.

 

During the four years, we have had a very physical, loving relationship. We also had very open communication with each other. As most of us, she would tell me I was the love of her life, wanted to get married someday, soulmate and so on. We talked every day and texted every day several times for all four years. There was really never any days that we did not communicate. We were both fine with the level of communication. Never an issue there.

 

A couple of months ago is when I all changed. Her interest seemed like it was declining. Calls were less, texts less, less time together, not as much sweet talk, marriage talk gone, sex was declining and all of the typical behavioral changes that occur when the relationship starts to go south. I started to freak. I had invested my last four years her and had given everything to be with her. I made some mistakes during this time and my insecurities started creeping out. I would ask frequently if everything was OK? I became very anxious and scared that things were declining and most likely she was aware that I was panicking. I became so hyper-focused on the relationship that my sleep and personality was taking a hit because I was so concerned that it was ending. I tried to keep my poker face on and hide how I was feeling, but I am sure she saw though it.

 

Three weeks ago it exploded. We were supposed to meet as I had not seen her for a week and she was running late. She was over an hour late by the time she got there which only left us with about 20 min to hang because she had another commitment. I was very upset and it was apparent that I was pissed because I knew I wouldnt see her for another few days. She blew up and said she was tired of me always acting this way and I put so much stress on her. Crying, she said she needed a week or so to "get things done" so she could reduce the stress in her life and everything would be allright with us, but she needed time. I calmly agreed and said I wanted her to not be as stressed and if we are to be happy, she need to get these things done.

 

We did not talk for four days and I finally broke down and asked how she was. She did not respond that day, but texted me back saying she could talk. We did and it was OK. Nothing special. She apologized for it getting out of hand the week before and I told her I understood. I also told her that there was no pressure for her to contact me as much by cell of text if that would help her stress and that I felt in order to keep thing less stressful in the future, initiating time together and contact needed to come from her more than from me so " call me when you want to spend time", I dont want to pressure you. She thanked me and said she appreciated that and would be better in the future. Usual I love you's after the conversation.

 

Now that it has been a week or so after our agreement, I am now scratching my head wondering what the hell has happened. Days are going by with no contact, when we do talk it is very short and not exciting. No good mornings, no goodnights, just promises of I will call you later not being kept. I know she has time to call, but the calls and time has gone down to nothing. She is still telling me she loves me, but it does not feel anywhere close to what is was before. I am not sleeping and always waiting for her to get in touch. I am feeling crushed and depressed. She did not break up or say she wanted to. I thought by giving her the option when to contact, this would help the situation, but it feels like she has already made up her mind that it is over. Just very hard to know if it is over because she said everything was fine and just needed a few days to get things done for herself. I want to ask her, but am afraid that this will stir everything up again and she will tell me I am putting too much pressure on her. I am walking on eggshells during this time as to not piss her off again.

 

So what should I do!!!? Wait for her and hope everything works or just cut it off? I do love her dearly and dont want to lose her. This was the love of my life and after four years, I dont want her to just disappear. But I also cant continue to feel the way I do. Constant anxiousness, checking phone, clinging on to every short conversation we have and worrying about the next time I will see her. It is so hard right now. Please give me you feedback!!! Need some solid advice.

 

Thanks much!!

[salmagundi]

I think the writing is on the wall for this relationship. Clearly her interest is not there and she is putting in less and less effort. You know what that means right? We put effort into relationships we value. We respect people we want to keep in our lives. If she really loved you she would want to spend time with you without you having to pressure her and she wouldn't do things that would risk her losing you.

 

But that's obviously not how it is, is it. She is basically treating you like a friend...much like she would if you were her ex in fact. Which you are almost certainly going to be. Is this relationship what you want? Is this how you want to be treated? Do you see this going anyway but south? If yes then keep hanging on and we'll see. If not break up with her before she breaks up with you. At least that way you keep your self-respect and you affirm your boundaries and how you wish to be treated. Maybe then she'll make an effort but as it stands now, I feel she is probably building herself up to breaking up with you...maybe she's just waiting for someone else to come along, who knows.

 

But something definitely has to give. Good luck.

[Tree_Salmon]

From my experience, get out now and move on.

 

It's only going to get messier from here. Pick up and move on.

 

It's a simple answer but it'll make sense if you waste another year trying to make this work.

 

It's never going to be the same.

[TopCat22]

Well I can't be sure, but if I was a betting man I'd say there is probably someone else. She might not have cheated yet, but all the warning signs are there. If she was in love with you and wanted to be with you then she wouldn't need or want this time apart.

 

If I were you I'd end it, what you have now isn't a relationship. She will just string you along until she plucks up the courage to actually end it. So you can either die the slow death and keep giving her the time or you can end it.

[TopCat22]

Oh and don't walk on eggshells trying not to piss her off! What about you? Is what she doing not pissing you off? Why is this all so one-sided. Man up and tell her exactly what you think. She is disrespecting you and you will not tolerate it. Don't live with her crazy BS in your life.

[max921860]

Thanks for the advice. I hear what you are saying and it is tough to swallow. I have the classic concern though. What if I break it off when she was truly just needing to take some personal time. Then I risk losing her for no reason. But I do see that she has changed and I can't ignore that. Talking to her has been tougher lately as she gets very frustrated about talking about the relationship. She has made comments recently like" why do we always have to talk about this"? Which I know is a bad sign in and of itself. I think the biggest problem for me personally is I made the mistake of sacrificing so many things over the past four years for myself, I made our relationship everything. Now this leaves me with nothing. This was the love that I have never felt before and the bar is set. Keep reminding myself if all the things we did/said and and kills me to think that she will be gone. Such a big part of my life. Confidence is so low right now and feel like I really blew it. I know it is easy to just say break it off and move on, but not sure how that will go.

 

I guess I need to figure out if I just tell her it's over. This may be what her intentions were from the beginning by not wanting to be the bad guy. Or she will say that she does not understand why I am doing this. Bottom line is that I agree that if you truly want someone in your life, then you find a way. That is how I have lived these past four years and I expected her to do the same. Very scary times. She is supposed to get in touch with me today and most likely will act as if nothing is wrong. Do I just come out and say its over or should I just go no contact for a few days to get her attention. Not been successful with no contact before. If she makes and effort maybe she will realize what she is losing. Not sure if that is the best approach. I think she knows that I will always be waiting for her and she makes time when it is convenient for her. That's when the take it or leave it attitude kicks in. Ugh. Keep advice coming.

 

Thanks!

Edited October 18, 2012 by max921860

[VeveCakes]

Go see her. Tell her you need more consistency or you will have to end the relationship. Why is it all about what she wants? Your needs matter too. See her face to face.

[max921860]

I agree that I think we should be face to face. I can predict almost exactly how it will go. She will say that " I told you that I am not able to give as much as you want. My schedule is different than yours and there are lots of things I must do for myself to make me happy. You either need to accept that or I can't keep doing this. I am so tired of always having to talk about this. The pressure you put on me is upsetting me. I love you, but arguing about this every week makes me want to stop doing this." That would be almost verbatim. Then I think, well, you have done everything you want to do and when your finished, no time has been left for me. Then she says I don't understand the pressure she deals with and if I did, I would understand.

 

I know what all of you are saying. " then why do you want to be in a relationship with her"? I ask myself the same question. Then I start thinking of the good times and hope that there is a chance to get back to that place. Big mistake I know! So should I just disappear for a few days? End it next time we talk? Or give it a couple of more weeks and see if we get back on track? Don't want to rush this decision, but if she is gone, I want to know now.

[flitzanu]

"i need time" = "i want to bang other people".

 

prepare yourself for the worst. if she can't commit to you and can't hang out with you even once a week, then you should pull back and quit waiting.

[Lisa_Lisa]

IMO I think you should give it a couple of more days. I know you're thinking about the good times and when a relationship starts to fade or is over we almost always think about the good times, but there is good and bad. And it's true if she really valued you she would make time for you. I think she's already checked out, but you two do need to talk face to face and end it then. Ask her what she wants from this relationship. And then tell her what you want. If you two can't come to an agreement then you'll have to end it.

[max921860]

Looks like we are meeting tomorrow. Very interested to see how it goes. We will see......

 

Thanks

[mishy]

If it were me i would do nothing and just wait for her to contact you.

[todreaminblue]

Four years is a long time to spend together these days.....any amount of time invested in someone is important however...time isnt a factor..when you arent getting that same interest back then there is trouble...you have trouble

 

 

You said that the relationship was going well you were communicating often the sex was good it was physical....and then it started to decline....did her work or study load increase? or did it remain the same? Relationships are meant to take effort from both parties and sometimes precedence needs to be given to the relationship to survive......when you put other pressures above a relationship the relationship will be the first start to show the strain......if she is taking me time fro herself then that could be the time she needs to take away from, to work on the relationship because after all it is for her too......putting friends above time spent with a so i snot right....and the fact that it has been a steady decline to me shows waning interest in keeping the relationship sailing along.You do need to speak to her and lay the cards out on the table....because it is your girlfriend who knows exactly what is going on.......i wish you well and plain sailing with honesty hopefully when you talk to her.....deb

[max921860]

Well, my fears came true today. Our meeting went as bad as it could. We had talked a couple of times before the meeting and I thought everything seemed fine, but when we got together, it changed. She was sweet at first, but it felt very cold and uncomfortable. We didnt get right into it, but it eventually came up that she was still stressed and didnt know what was going to make her happy. She said all aspects of her life were suffering and she did not feel very good about herself and our relationship. She told me that the decreased amount of contact and time recently was somewhat of a relief. This made my heart sink. I explained I wanted her to be happy, but that I was in a different place and that time away was very hard and I was missing her badly. She said " I wish I could say hat I felt this way" but I dont. Wanted to puke at that point. She said she still loved me, but wanted to try to get back to the place in her life where she felt like she used to and also find happiness in the other areas of her life. That this relationship had put to much stress on her and she was sorry she had to tell me this. I didnt even know how to respond. She still said , that she didnt want to stop talking and still communicate, but that until she got back to a happy place for the relationship. it wasn't fair to keep me hanging like this. It was a nice way of saying "its not you its me". The big nail in the coffin. Looking back over the last few months, I can start to see all of the changes that were occurring, but I guess I was so wanting it to work, that I turned a blind eye to them. I feel so freakin lost and devastated. I dont even know where to begin. I think of even how hard it is going to be to go a day without her somehow in my life. I made her my purpose and my life and now I am left with nothing it seems. I know everyone will say that I just need to start living life again and find new happiness, but that seems like the most difficult task right now. Where do I start? The rejection and loneliness i feel right now is overwhelming. Like the saying goes, " When you make someone your everything and they leave, you are left with nothing". Never thought that would be me. What do I do? Thanks as always

[VeveCakes]

That was nice of her to blame her crap life and depression on you and your relationship. It's not you, she strung you along so you wouldn't move on while she did her thing... now is uncomfortable because you aren't being a doormat anymore. Good for you.

 

First thing is to move on. Delete her from your phone, FB. Join a gym, post here. We are all hear for ya.

[Lisa_Lisa]

If she truly loved you and wanted to be with you she would make it work. I think mentally she's set sail somewhere else. It's going to be tough. I'm sorry you're going through this. She says she wants to continue communicating with you, but you have to keep it at a minimum if at all because it's just going to hurt you and bruise your ego a lot more. In the back of your mind you're going to hold out hope that she'll want you again. The only thing she'll want you for is validating the fact that you still love her. It'll make her feel nice and toasty inside, but you'll still come out feeling hurt and humiliated.

[JayL]

Your story is like a reflection of my last relationship, except yours is much longer.

 

My suggestion is to get out now.

 

Signs and lines...

 

1. You're pressuring me.

 

2. I just need time.

 

3. I need space.

 

4. She spends more time with friends. - She will spend the entire day with friends and spend the last 2 to 3 hours of the day with me.

 

5. She never makes plans with me in the last few weeks of us being together. The answer was always "we'll see" or "i'll let you know", which was always last minute.

 

6. The good morning messages were gone, the sweet messages were gone, the goodnight text messages/phone calls were gone.

 

7. Less and less reciprocation over time.

 

8. I was walking on eggshells and letting her call the pace of the relationship.

 

You know what's next?

 

She will find the "SMALLEST" things and make it a "GIGANTIC" issue and use it to start an argument to break up with you.

 

If you've seen these signs, then you're headed to the outcome.

 

End it now, save your ego, don't let her walk all over you.

 

Be the one to say "I gave it my all, you didn't" and walk away while you're still the good guy because she will turn that around.

 

You'll thank me later once you're over it.

Edited October 19, 2012 by JayL

[max921860]

Thanks for the support. Looking back, I can see the mistakes I made, but they were all good intentions. I made the mistake of always putting us first and and this has really taken a toll on the other things in my life. Now its like being in hole that you can even imagine how to crawl out of. While I was investing everything I had, she was moving on in her life, which now I wish I had done. I was too available and too ready to jump at any opportunity that was presented. This was a major mistake. She knew that I was always there. And in the end, I am sure she became annoyed with this. I changed the person I was from the beginning of our time together and that was probably one of the biggest factors to our decline. And when I think about it closely, the good times were not as often as I thought. I just was clinging on to tightly to the infrequent good times and making excuses for the bad ones. I am a attractive, successful and ( used to be) outgoing person who was kinda the life of the party. Had tons of friends and social opportunities. Those friendships and opportunities are gone because I would sacrifice them in the hope of spending time with her. Then she would choose other things and leave me hanging. I was her doormat because she knew she was in control and that was my fault for allowing it to happen. Love is such a wonderful thing and I can honestly tell you that I have never come close to loving and caring for someone like I did with her. She knows that no one will love her as much as I did. In the end, maybe that was the problem. I cared too much and forgot who I am. I was so scared of losing what I thought was the perfect relationship that it ended up being the one thing that killed it. Anger is starting to kick in a bit along with the sadness. I feel utterly betrayed and used to a certain respect. She had this rock (me) giving everything while she sacrificed very little. Now she is moving on with little road bumps and I am in the gutter. Sorry to be so depressing, but love has kicked my ass like nothing has ever before. Thanks again for the feedback as I will be using it to help me get through this.

 

Thanks

[JayL]

Thanks for the support. Looking back, I can see the mistakes I made, but they were all good intentions. I made the mistake of always putting us first and and this has really taken a toll on the other things in my life. Now its like being in hole that you can even imagine how to crawl out of. While I was investing everything I had, she was moving on in her life, which now I wish I had done. I was too available and too ready to jump at any opportunity that was presented. This was a major mistake. She knew that I was always there. And in the end, I am sure she became annoyed with this. I changed the person I was from the beginning of our time together and that was probably one of the biggest factors to our decline. And when I think about it closely, the good times were not as often as I thought. I just was clinging on to tightly to the infrequent good times and making excuses for the bad ones. I am a attractive, successful and ( used to be) outgoing person who was kinda the life of the party. Had tons of friends and social opportunities. Those friendships and opportunities are gone because I would sacrifice them in the hope of spending time with her. Then she would choose other things and leave me hanging. I was her doormat because she knew she was in control and that was my fault for allowing it to happen. Love is such a wonderful thing and I can honestly tell you that I have never come close to loving and caring for someone like I did with her. She knows that no one will love her as much as I did. In the end, maybe that was the problem. I cared too much and forgot who I am. I was so scared of losing what I thought was the perfect relationship that it ended up being the one thing that killed it. Anger is starting to kick in a bit along with the sadness. I feel utterly betrayed and used to a certain respect. She had this rock (me) giving everything while she sacrificed very little. Now she is moving on with little road bumps and I am in the gutter. Sorry to be so depressing, but love has kicked my ass like nothing has ever before. Thanks again for the feedback as I will be using it to help me get through this.

 

Thanks

 

To be very honest, that was also my mistake.

 

The thing here is, that only proves that she wasn't the right person for us.

 

That the woman we invested our time, love and effort to was not as into it as much as we were.

 

So it's time to move on and find someone who can put in as much as we do.

 

A relationship is a two way street. Two people must be on the same page and must put equal effort to make it work.

 

Otherwise, it's going downhill rather than staying steady or going upwards.

 

It's easy to say I know, but you know what, it's the truth that I've been waiting to fully sink into my head.

 

Some people want a relationship that is more "casual" while for some people, like us, for example, wants a relationship that is on a different level.

 

It's not wrong, it's just that's how our personalities are and we have to find people that are compatible with ours.

Edited October 19, 2012 by JayL

[stillafool]

Please don't call her anymore. You should drop off the face of the earth as far as she is concerned. I'll pretty much guarantee there is someone else on her radar. The only way to deal with this kind of break up is to never speak them again. When and if you run into her ignore her as if she's a light switch. It's the only revenge.

[colombiana28]

it sucks, but women don't want a man whose world revolves around her and who doesn't have many interests outside of her. i've been in a couple LTRs where my partner didn't really have a life outside the relationship, and it is downright DRAINING. attraction just plummets. i don't know, maybe a girl likes to know her guy's time is valuable and he chooses to be with her. if there's nothing outside of her, the "clingy" warning bells sound and you kind of just naturally start looking elsewhere.

 

my best friend is married to an amazing guy. they're best friends and spend 90% of their time together. but he DOES have his own interests, his own friends, goes out on camping trips with his buddies, listens to SOME music that isn't her cup of tea, etc. I think she respects him for it more than she realized she would. There's nothing wrong with a healthy dose of competition over your partner's time.

 

If you get the feeling that your guy would be "crushed, his world would just be over" if she broke up with him, well...like it or not, the sad reality is she is going to eventually lose interest.

[max921860]

I agree with your comments. With all of this, I can pretty confidently say that I don't believe there was anyone else in the picture. She is not that kind of girl. Trust me. Not to say there wont be another person though. Just kicking my self for the mistakes I made, but did not realize until now.

[NavyAirTraffic]

it sucks, but women don't want a man whose world revolves around her and who doesn't have many interests outside of her. i've been in a couple LTRs where my partner didn't really have a life outside the relationship, and it is downright DRAINING. attraction just plummets. i don't know, maybe a girl likes to know her guy's time is valuable and he chooses to be with her. if there's nothing outside of her, the "clingy" warning bells sound and you kind of just naturally start looking elsewhere.

 

my best friend is married to an amazing guy. they're best friends and spend 90% of their time together. but he DOES have his own interests, his own friends, goes out on camping trips with his buddies, listens to SOME music that isn't her cup of tea, etc. I think she respects him for it more than she realized she would. There's nothing wrong with a healthy dose of competition over your partner's time.

 

If you get the feeling that your guy would be "crushed, his world would just be over" if she broke up with him, well...like it or not, the sad reality is she is going to eventually lose interest.

 

Perfect explanation! Wish I would have known this info when I was IN the relationship. I thought I was showing her how much she meant to me by not doing those other things, but I was just pushing her away.

 

Unfortunately you can't go back to them and say "hey, come back, I'll start being myself again". Not the way the world works. I take it as a lesson learned, either if she comes back (if I decide to take her back) or with a new relationship. I'm beginning to understand my wants and needs and that I have boundaries clear boundaries that cannot be crossed.

 

If they leave because of "you being you", then it wasn't supposed to work out anyway. Changing yourself not only hurts and diminishes your self worth, it is fake and you will be unhappy regardless if they are in your life or not.

[max921860]

I agree. I think the hardest part of the talk today was when she said that during the space time she found relief and wished she could say that she felt like I did. That really hurt bad! I was struggling and in such a bad place and to find out she was better with it was very shocking. As to be expected, my hopes were she was feeling the same and would be ready after a few days of down time. Also, she said that it could never be like it was in the earlier years. Then said she loved me and asked if I would give her a kiss goodbye. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I can see how so many people have a tough time after a true break and wanting to reach out with hope of it getting better by talking it out. I am going to try my hardest to start over, but know time ahead will be difficult. Thanks again for your support. It helps to hear others perspective.. Many thanks!

[Sugarkane]

I completely agree. If I could go back I wouldn't have spent so much time with my ex. But it's hard when you're in the honeymoon phase. I wouldn't have tried to spend so much time with him abd his friends. Only to get dumped and screwed over. It wasn't worth it.

Perfect explanation! Wish I would have known this info when I was IN the relationship. I thought I was showing her how much she meant to me by not doing those other things, but I was just pushing her away.

 

Unfortunately you can't go back to them and say "hey, come back, I'll start being myself again". Not the way the world works. I take it as a lesson learned, either if she comes back (if I decide to take her back) or with a new relationship. I'm beginning to understand my wants and needs and that I have boundaries clear boundaries that cannot be crossed.

 

If they leave because of "you being you", then it wasn't supposed to work out anyway. Changing yourself not only hurts and diminishes your self worth, it is fake and you will be unhappy regardless if they are in your life or not.