4 Year girlfriend is totally ignoring me

[max921860]

Thanks and will do. I am not going to contact her. Erased my IM today too, so wouldn't know if was trying to reach me anyway. Feel kinda weak telling everyone about the doctor, but I think it will help. Probably need to get too the root of why I feel the way I do. Can't be just because of this break up. I have completely changed as person since this began. And it didn't all happen at the end. Slow process over th last four years. Need to get back to myself!

 

Thanks

[max921860]

So waiting to hear back from a doc. Feeling like this is a good move for me.

 

Kind of a big thing happened to me today. I have been working on this goal for myself since January of this year and today I finally made it happen today. Certainly not the excitement that I was looking forward to. She had been my support person throughout the process and we discussed it all the time. Kind of like my partner in all of it. Now I hit the goal and she is long gone. Was almost tempted to send her a message letting her know, but not going to break NC. Just sucks! She was the big motivator throughout the process and really kept me going and now is gone. Should I even tell her or forget about it? At this point, not even sure she cares. 7 days since last time talking.

 

Last question, I constantly am looking at my phone to see if she has texted even when I am sure she will not. It is such an obsessive action. How do I get over doing this?

 

Thanks

[Chi townD]

Right now, you are no different than any pot smoker, crackhead, meth addict, speed freak, alcoholic....you are just like them right now and you're trying to get clean. And, ironically, you're going through the same kind of withdrawl symptoms. Depressed, on edge, anxious, can't sleep, can't eat....weird isn't it? Looking at your phone for any excuse for you to contact her....or get that last hit!

 

Does NC suck? Hell yeah it does! But, just like an addict. You have to get throught it one day at a time. and everyday that goes by with NC is one day closer to healing. One day, I promise you that when you wake one morning, she won't be the first thing on your mind. THAT'S when you'll know that you've started to heal.

[max921860]

Update...

 

So some minor developments since the last message. We went about 5 days of NC and she texted me asking to talk. I said that was fine and she called. Good conversation overall and we talked about what had happened. She apologized for asking for time away and said she really need to take some time to get back on track somewhat and appreciated that I supported her during that time. She said she had just become overwhelmed lately and need to just not think about anything regarding the relationship and was feeling much better. I told her that I had thought about the hole situation a great deal over the last few days and said we both had made some mistakes which got us to that point. She agreed and told me she loved me. She offered that she may have some time coming up to see me and I said that was fine but only if we were both in the right frame of mind and not be stressed. Basically if we were not going to be happy when we were together, it would not work and only get worse. 2 days past and talked to her every day. Her initiating most of the contact. She went out with friends this weekend and called me up after and we finally saw each other for a little bit in person. Overall went well and got a bit physical but no sex. She said she was still not in the right frame of mind to do that, which I accepted no problem. Very good to see her and she seemed happy as well to see me. Have not seen her in person since, but talked a few times. Supposed to see her again in the next day or so.

 

I am not having false hope that it is all back to normal though. I did enjoy seeing her and it was very nice, but realize that much has changed from all of this. The sex part which has gone way down, seems to be the most critical piece. She has not expressed a big desire to go down that road over the last 2 months and to me says quite a bit. My take is that she wants to have a relationship with me, but a reduced one, with less expectations and less stress. The conversations and tone of our conversations is much different than before.

 

Not sure what I am going to decide to do. Feel a bit more empowered to stand up for myself and either take it or leave it. Want to be somewhat sensitive to some things going on in her life. She has been treated for depression over the last couple of years (on meds), changed birth control pills recently and increased stress in her life. All of which could be factors in all of this, but I think I need to feel that strong connection again in order to move on and give it a chance. Cant wait forever. We will see.

 

See ya

[VeveCakes]

All this happened but you aren't really any further ahead nor do you know where she stands. I hate to say it but I think she is stringing you along.

[flitzanu]

Update...

 

So some minor developments since the last message. We went about 5 days of NC and she texted me asking to talk. I said that was fine and she called. Good conversation overall and we talked about what had happened. She apologized for asking for time away and said she really need to take some time to get back on track somewhat and appreciated that I supported her during that time. She said she had just become overwhelmed lately and need to just not think about anything regarding the relationship and was feeling much better. I told her that I had thought about the hole situation a great deal over the last few days and said we both had made some mistakes which got us to that point. She agreed and told me she loved me. She offered that she may have some time coming up to see me and I said that was fine but only if we were both in the right frame of mind and not be stressed. Basically if we were not going to be happy when we were together, it would not work and only get worse. 2 days past and talked to her every day. Her initiating most of the contact. She went out with friends this weekend and called me up after and we finally saw each other for a little bit in person. Overall went well and got a bit physical but no sex. She said she was still not in the right frame of mind to do that, which I accepted no problem. Very good to see her and she seemed happy as well to see me. Have not seen her in person since, but talked a few times. Supposed to see her again in the next day or so.

 

I am not having false hope that it is all back to normal though. I did enjoy seeing her and it was very nice, but realize that much has changed from all of this. The sex part which has gone way down, seems to be the most critical piece. She has not expressed a big desire to go down that road over the last 2 months and to me says quite a bit. My take is that she wants to have a relationship with me, but a reduced one, with less expectations and less stress. The conversations and tone of our conversations is much different than before.

 

Not sure what I am going to decide to do. Feel a bit more empowered to stand up for myself and either take it or leave it. Want to be somewhat sensitive to some things going on in her life. She has been treated for depression over the last couple of years (on meds), changed birth control pills recently and increased stress in her life. All of which could be factors in all of this, but I think I need to feel that strong connection again in order to move on and give it a chance. Cant wait forever. We will see.

 

See ya

 

yeah, when my ex was stringing me along, she wouldn't bang me either. you'll hear a lot about "i don't want to complicate things with sex" or some variation of that.

 

it means they don't want to sleep with you, because they're either sleeping with someone else, or wanting to sleep with someone else. this girl isn't doing anything to assure you that you're working on the relationship. in fact she's been very clear that she's not interested in discussing it. do you think that's really a good thing?

[puzzled1]

I am amazed at how your relationship with your ex is very similar with mine. You are pretty much doing what I really want to do but I guess I am gonna see how it turns out for you.

 

I read this whole thread and learned alot of things, I pretty much took all the filters out of my emotions and things are soo much more clear. It sucks soo much man. Keep your head up!

[max921860]

I am amazed at how your relationship with your ex is very similar with mine. You are pretty much doing what I really want to do but I guess I am gonna see how it turns out for you.

 

I read this whole thread and learned alot of things, I pretty much took all the filters out of my emotions and things are soo much more clear. It sucks soo much man. Keep your head up!

 

 

Thanks for the encouragement and I am seeing things a bit differently, but I can still say that I am still really hurting and want things to be like the beginning. Miss the days of going to bed and feeling how lucky I am to be in a great relationship with much love. Trying to get to a comfortable spot where I can really focus on becoming better instead of always wondering how it got to this point. Thats the hardest part of this for me.

 

Thanks

[ilou]

Sorry man, you keep saying you're not having false hope but you sure seem pretty eager to respond back to her and jump at a moments notice when she wants to see you. Checking if she looked at your IM doesn't signify moving on. I think the only thing I read that you accomplished, if it even was an accomplishment, was agreeing and understanding that she doesn't want to have sex.

 

About not being able to sleep and get your mind off it. Try a new hobby. Tire yourself out phsyically. Get into it. Pick up a skill. It's very gratifying when you see improvements. I would suggest maybe try boxing, or a new language. Jiu-jitsu classes are super cool and you meet some pretty diverse characters there.

[puzzled1]

Thanks for the encouragement and I am seeing things a bit differently, but I can still say that I am still really hurting and want things to be like the beginning. Miss the days of going to bed and feeling how lucky I am to be in a great relationship with much love. Trying to get to a comfortable spot where I can really focus on becoming better instead of always wondering how it got to this point. Thats the hardest part of this for me.

 

Thanks

 

I want nothing more than things to be like the beginning. But you have to realize that things are this way because she wanted it to be this way. If you keep thinking that this is hope to feel that way with the SAME person, its probably not going to happen. She does not respect you and is neglecting you. Why do you want to put work into the relationship where you know deep down that it will not work out and you will end up on the same boat. I am in the same situation with my ex. It sucks sooooo damn bad because they are in your life for a long time and they filled up a part of you, but now she wants another person. As much as that hurts, you have to realize the fact its over and you have to move on, you are stronger than you think and you have to respect yourself and still have self-dignity.

[max921860]

Another update for anyone that is following this saga...

 

So, Ever since we spoke after NC for a week or so things have been civil. No arguments or serious talk about us. We have talked quite a bit. She contacts me every day to talk and while I am OK with that, it still has not been a shadow of the old relationship we had. Conversations are kinda dull without much substance to them. Seems more like a formality than actual fun conversation. We have seen each other a couple of times, but not for very long. Still no sex or anything like that. She keeps saying that she is still too stressed and not thinking about that. Which I know is BS. No real solid plans in the near future either. Again, she is making the effort to get in touch with me and I am certainly not accepting that this is her way of getting back together. It is like most of you has said in prior posts. She does not want me to hate her and be the bad guy. Cant say that I dont really really miss her because I do. I found this article online and when I read it, I was literally saying OMFG!!! That is me! So embarrassing to admit that, but this is the state I am in. Just when I think I am turning the corner....BAM, I get sucked back in. I hope I can find the strength to finally just leave and never look back. Seeing a doc this week for the second time too. I am FUBAR. Take a look at the article. Thanks as always LS!

 

 

20 Trouble Signs - You Love Him Or Her More Than He Or She Loves You

[max921860]

I thought I would reply to my own message after much time and events have occurred. If you read my original post, you know that things were dying between my girlfriend and I and I was clinging on for dear life to keep us together. We after many months of trying to work things out, the worst happened and I caught her cheating on me one night with someone she had met a week before. She admitted everything but begged for another chance, citing that our relationship had taken a toll on her and she made the decision to cheat. I found out she had been lying to me quite a bit before she cheated and she fessed up to that as well. She begged for another chance and we talked a lot about forgiveness but yesterday I found out again she had contacted the other guy. To sum it all up and to anyone looking for sound advice, listen to your gut. I failed to do that and wound up paying the price for it. I should have listened to everyone way back when this started, but chose to keep trying. I wish everyone the best and good luck with your relationships. Time to start a new chapter in my life.

 

Best

[veggirl]

Good luck Max. This girl is a piece of work, I can't believe she actually found a way to blame you/the relationship for HER cheating! That is so gross

 

I hope you will go No Contact on her, don't listen to reply to her begging/apologizing...she doesn't deserve it. Very sorry you are going through this.

[knicksdan311]

Man that was/is my situation to a T. my ex got with someone else in a matter of weeks. I had the same exact warning signs as well, as I think she had checked out weeks before it ended. I'm sorry man and I know what your going through. Just stay nc man I know its hard, I'm dealing with same exact thing right now. It's very very hard, just try and keep your head up.

Edited March 22, 2013 by knicksdan311

[mtnbiker3000]

Exact same thing that happened to me. Months of increasing distance and decreasing physical and emotional contact. I finally had to confront her about it, but then it all came out. Uggghh! Totally sucks. Went LC for 2 months while still living together, but now on my own and NC baby. Actually do feel much better

[max921860]

Thank you. I have totally sacrificed so much of my life for her. We have been together for over 4 1/2 years now. I dont think there will be a problem going NC because she is so stubborn and controlling. She will never come back or apologize. I actually considered taking her back if changes were made, but then contacted the guy again and I found out. Hardest part for me right now is my old routine and habits that I had with her. I still find myself thinking that she is about to call, when she used to, and then have to remind myself that she is gone. This will be the first night in years that we have not spoken or said good night. Very strange and lonely. I have to get through it though. Thanks again

[NewPerspective93]

It seems that women decide that it's over in their heads before they make form of talk about it. That's what I've picked up from seeing other threads and through my own experience.

 

Move on. I wish you the best, for I understand how miserable it can be, but I guarantee you, if you really put your efforts in moving on, you'll come out the other side a stronger, independent individual.

[Damsel in Distress]

Max, thank you for taking the time to come back and update. It's painful to follow the long story of your relationship ending, and I'm so sorry she has hurt you like this (long, slow, painful, and then ending with a dagger to your heart!)

I had just read your story earlier today... BEFORE you posted today's update. I had really identified with that feeling of being almost addicted and having withdrawal trying to implement NC. NC won't be any easier now, but at least you now are convinced that it must be done

 

 

I really appreciated the link you included last year about ways to tell if you love somebody more than they love you. At the beginning of my relationship, I was so amazed because we were BOTH equally crazy about each other, and I feel like that hardly ever happens that it's not lopsided at all. But over time as my boyfriend got depressed and started pulling away to cope with that, I got scared of losing him and the relationship did become lopsided and maybe that's what caused the death of my relationship

 

Being in a lopsided relationship is so hard - and you've been struggling with that for months. It seems like you were fighting a lost cause As hard as it is to give up a relationship, at least you will be moving forward with your life now instead of trying to fix something that's broken and she was resistant to fulling fixing

 

And she blamed your relationship on making her cheat? People who are in love have no interest in looking or turning to anybody else, but when she started questioning your relationship and her feelings, SHE loosened her attachment to you and opened herself up to the possibilities of being with other people. I'm so sorry she did that to you I know it hurts.

 

Hang in there. It may seem unbearable right now, but you WILL survive this heartbreak. Be strong.

[mtnbiker3000]

It seems that women decide that it's over in their heads before they make form of talk about it. That's what I've picked up from seeing other threads and through my own experience.

Yup. This is what I have experienced also. HATE it!!!!

[mtnbiker3000]

At the beginning of my relationship, I was so amazed because we were BOTH equally crazy about each other, and I feel like that hardly ever happens that it's not lopsided at all. But over time as my boyfriend got depressed and started pulling away to cope with that, I got scared of losing him and the relationship did become lopsided and maybe that's what caused the death of my relationship

 

Being in a lopsided relationship is so hard .

 

Yeah, the honeymoon stage is tough to see through. Both parties are totally caught up in a chemical reaction and wearing rose-colored glasses. My therapist said its best to have some questions/tests/techniques to see if there is true compatibility through the fog of the HS. No compatibility = relationship is doomed to fail (just a matter of time). Case in point, me

[JJ72]

Just think if you would have cut all ties and went NC back in October, how far ahead you would have been now. You knew it was over and everyone on here told you so as well. You only have yourself to blame. Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't want to sugarcoat it.

 

Learn from this for your future relationships.

 

Time goes by quick. You'll be fine.

 

Wish you the best.

[max921860]

Thanks. been 5 days since we last spoke and I wish I could say it was getting easier, but not so much. I keep ruminating on the relationship and keep asking myself how she could do this to me. Daily routines seem to be the hardest right now. You get so used to patterns you had before that you find yourself still expecting to see/talk to her even though it is completely over. Trying to change my routines so to disrupt what I was so used to. Need to get motivation to get my mind off of everything. When I broke it off last weds, she never even responded which was a surprise to me. I assume she is basking in the excitement of the new relationship and that is making her feel good right now. I know though, one day when the excitement wears off, she will realize how good I was to her. She just turned into a selfish, disrespectful person which may be the hardest thing to swallow. How long will this last?? Want so badly to get to a place where I dont replay our relationship 100 times a day in my head. Thanks as always for the support.

[Damsel in Distress]

Hang in there!! You will start to feel better but you have to give the NC time to work. I'm right there with ya - NC is AGONY. But there is a reason it's so stongly recommended. Five days isn't long enough to feel the benefits yet, but they will come!

 

NC does not come naturally to me - I like to talk my problems out. If I'm honest NC just seems wrong - like we (the broken up couple) are ignoring and refusing to talk through a problem. But I'm trying to do my processing here and with my girlfriends. And I just keep reading the posts on here that explain the rationale and benefits of NC over and over (and over and over!) again.

 

The two points that seem to help me the most are:

- Thinking about how the dumper feels when you make contact. There's nothing positive about being contacted by somebody you've dumped! The dumper is going to feel guilt, pity, annoyance - but not happiness and joy. And think where their mind is - as sad as it sounds, they are relieved to have dumped you after the weeks they've spent coming to this decision. They are fully aware that they have seriously hurt you, and they don't want to be reminded.

- It helps me to remember that maintaining NC preserves your dignity (in your eyes and in the dumper's eyes). NC shows some grace. Surely you'd rather the dumper think of you as somebody who handled an extremely difficult decision with strength and grace instead of thinking of you as the pitiful guy who just couldn't accept it.

 

Stay strong. And remember there's a boat load of us here with the same struggle.

[max921860]

Thanks Damsel. I appreciate the comments. I dont think NC is going to be hard for me now because the thought of even talking to her disgusts me. She lied and lied even after I forgave her. I could never trust her again and know it would only be a matter of time until she did it again. That is no way to live. Questioning every move she makes and wondering if she did it again. I could never do that. Honestly, I just miss having her in my life when all of this was not going on. I am very lonely and the thought of starting over is exhausting. I also can't deny that I get pissed at the thought of them talking and planning get togethers as we speak. She was so controlling and stubborn looking back. In her mind right now, I was the problem and she is with a new guy getting chased and lots of attention which is feeding her ego so much. In her mind, the cheating was justified because of all the new attention she is getting from the new guy right now. I dont like to be revengeful or mean, but I really hope that she feels such regret someday that she did this to us. I hope the new guy is a short lived fling that turns out being nothing like she had hoped. Nothing would change my mind to get back with her though. Had I not been the overly available doormat, she might have made a different decision and not cheat. Still in shock at the person I became during this and by allowing her to walk all over me. Not what I envisioned for us. Cant stop replaying everything in my head.

[Damsel in Distress]

Gosh, hugs to you Max. It just sucks I'm embarrassed at what I see in myself right now too. Plus, last night I spent some time with a friend who forced me to sit and go over all the ways he hurt me during the relationship. My friend pointed out that the strong woman I used to be would never have tolerated that - I changed myself in the name of love (in reaction to the ex).

 

But our breakups give us a fresh start to escape the bad patterns we got into in our relationships and become ourselves again. Right now you seem to be in the angry phase - you can't heal while you are angry, but it's a stage you have to go through to get there. Please give yourself more time with NC, and while you are NC keep reading these forums and focusing on yourself, and you will get past the anger to a stage where you can start healing and building yourself back up again, independent of her.

 

You mentioned that starting over seems exhausting. People like to point out there are other people out there who are just as good if not better matches, but I'm not ready to hear that yet. I spent over two years getting to know this person, sharing all our deepest secrets, desires, getting to know and understand each other inside and out. (At least I thought! Apparently I didn't know and understand him as well as I thought or I would not have been blindsided!) Like you, at the moment, I have no desire to do that again, and it pisses me off to discover I'm in a position where I need to do it again.

 

But I think it seems so exhausting because we are still grieving. Once we are healed, I think the idea of starting over with somebody new will be exciting. At least I hope!

 

Hang in there. Get out of the house (and out of your head). Do some activities, focus on self-improvement. This is a period in your life where you are free to do things without considering anybody else's needs or desires, so what do YOU want to do?