4 Year girlfriend is totally ignoring me

[max921860]

I completely agree. If I could go back I wouldn't have spent so much time with my ex. But it's hard when you're in the honeymoon phase. I wouldn't have tried to spend so much time with him abd his friends. Only to get dumped and screwed over. It wasn't worth it.

 

I understand how you feel. Slept about 3 hours last night with everything running through my mind. Lots of things start to become clear when you take off the filters. I can now really start to see when she was fading. It was months ago. Comments she would make, reactions to things we would do were not like they used to, reaction to birthday gifts were not as genuine, and so on. The physical stuff was waning as well. Not as excited and lots of excuses. I brushed them off as nothing, but all were signs that she was struggling with us. Thats when I probably really turned up the heat and tried too hard. I was over compensating for her lack of enthusiasm and most likely drove her farther away. Then saw me as a weaker link in the relationship. Never thought I would become weak, but looking back, I should have stood up for myself and let her see what she was going to lose by treating me this way. Do you think there is any hope for couples who go through this? Can she ever see me as the person I was/am? I keep thinking that she is going to call or text. Constant looking at the phone and email. MADNESS!!

[max921860]

Ok. Well she sent me this last night and want the experts to help me understand what she meant. I had not contacted her before this..

 

 

I do love you very much and miss you! Hope you are having fun tonight. I am very sorry for how I have been. Sadly I can't help it.

 

 

I responded back after an hour and said I loved her too and wanted her to be happy.

 

Any ideas????

 

Thanks

[cavalier99]

I'm really sorry this is so hard breaking up. I'm new to LS and don't have any sage advice but feel your pain.

 

I am in a similar situation and my girlfriend of 6+ years up and left on a similar note 3 Weeks ago and is algo interested in a new guy. The writing was definitely on the wall like in your situation.

 

I did get super nice email the day after she tore my heart out, about how she loved me blah blah.

 

However in the end I know that she is not hurting. I'm sure she felt that way for a "moment" and then happily continued on with her day. She has a history of moving on very easily and maintaining contact with her EX's. In the meantime I suffering thru hell.

 

Im guseeing it is similar for your EX. She does feel bad, she did love you, but she isnt suffering. Contact with her makes you suffer not her.

 

I did respond to that last email nicley, however I decided that I wasn't going to be her doormat. I don't care how much she claims to have loved me. She left. End of story.

 

The next day I emailed her to NEVER contact me again under any circumstance. We wont be friends and I do not want the hear from her unless she was dying, had cancer, sever accident eceter and I preferred she got any emotional support from anyone but me. I know this is not strict NC but I needed to say it. I'm sure it appeared weak and hurt on my part but I didn't care. My email let her know I'm hurt (which she already knows) and I dont and wont appreciate any attempt on her part to reopen my fresh wound.

 

I then I blocked all her numbers ecetera etcetera.

 

I would suggest something like this then NO CONTACT. Or just start NC now and dont even respond.

 

She will probably still be feeling you out sending you an occasional email. This has haapened to me. I would ignore any communications completely even if it is to settle some small account.

 

This helped me a lot.

[Ladydrib]

Three weeks ago it exploded. We were supposed to meet as I had not seen her for a week and she was running late. She was over an hour late by the time she got there which only left us with about 20 min to hang because she had another commitment. I was very upset and it was apparent that I was pissed because I knew I wouldnt see her for another few days. She blew up and said she was tired of me always acting this way and I put so much stress on her. Crying, she said she needed a week or so to "get things done" so she could reduce the stress in her life and everything would be allright with us, but she needed time. I calmly agreed and said I wanted her to not be as stressed and if we are to be happy, she need to get these things done.

 

We did not talk for four days and I finally broke down and asked how she was. She did not respond that day, but texted me back saying she could talk. We did and it was OK. Nothing special. She apologized for it getting out of hand the week before and I told her I understood. I also told her that there was no pressure for her to contact me as much by cell of text if that would help her stress and that I felt in order to keep thing less stressful in the future, initiating time together and contact needed to come from her more than from me so " call me when you want to spend time", I dont want to pressure you. She thanked me and said she appreciated that and would be better in the future. Usual I love you's after the conversation.

 

Now that it has been a week or so after our agreement, I am now scratching my head wondering what the hell has happened. Days are going by with no contact, when we do talk it is very short and not exciting. No good mornings, no goodnights, just promises of I will call you later not being kept. I know she has time to call, but the calls and time has gone down to nothing. She is still telling me she loves me, but it does not feel anywhere close to what is was before. I am not sleeping and always waiting for her to get in touch. I am feeling crushed and depressed. She did not break up or say she wanted to. I thought by giving her the option when to contact, this would help the situation, but it feels like she has already made up her mind that it is over. Just very hard to know if it is over because she said everything was fine and just needed a few days to get things done for herself. I want to ask her, but am afraid that this will stir everything up again and she will tell me I am putting too much pressure on her. I am walking on eggshells during this time as to not piss her off again.

 

So what should I do!!!? Wait for her and hope everything works or just cut it off? I do love her dearly and dont want to lose her. This was the love of my life and after four years, I dont want her to just disappear. But I also cant continue to feel the way I do. Constant anxiousness, checking phone, clinging on to every short conversation we have and worrying about the next time I will see her. It is so hard right now. Please give me you feedback!!! Need some solid advice.

 

Thanks much!!

 

Your intuition is right. She has let go. You are confused because it's not what you want and she still says she loves you. These two things combined are giving you false hopes, keeping you clinging to the idea that maybe it's not over, and also keeping you from feeling better and possibly finding love with someone else.

 

She says she loves you, because she does. You don't spend that much time with someone and not care about them. But caring about someone and loving them does not always mean you want to be in a romantic relationship with that person. In her case, she no longer wants this with you. And you did the right thing to give her space. This let her go. But she wanted to go. If she didn't want to go, when you gave her space, she would have come back. If you had continued to resist she would have likely kept stringing you along out of guilt and she would be believing it was better for you because she was trying not to hurt you. You gave her permission to go. This is good for you, trust me.

 

Don't ask her anything else. Just set yourself free and forget about her. She has already let go. There is nothing you can or should even try to do to change her feelings.

 

You will feel better. You will find love again. One day you'll not feel any pain anymore about her. You will be fine. The faster you accept this, the sooner you feel better.

[max921860]

Thank you! I think as most, when the other person contacts you and says, "I love you and miss you", you do start to think there may be hope. I have tried to read between the lines of her message. She is not the type of girl to send me that in hope to make me feel better. My guess is that she has been away a couple of days and was missing me. The part that stumps me is the "Sadly, I cant help it". I am trying to decide if that is a way of saying I will always feel that way or that she has just been acting that way recently? Not going to hold my breath though. I realize that even if she did want to see me again, the damage is done and all of the things she said to me will always be there.

[cavalier99]

The madness will slowly start fading away after the first few weeks of NC. I still have a long way to go and am still here on LS but I do have hope.

 

I think I was actually semi crazy and in total denial and disbelief first couple days. You will most likely never feel worse than you do now. So it is all better from here on out (for the most part)

 

I have wavered from angry, to forgiveness, sadness, jealousy, back to angry and just plain old depressed.

 

Just know that the best gift you can give your self is to fully acknowledge that it is truly over and try to let go. Kill all hope and let yourself feel any emotions and direct your mind back to positive thoughts of gratitude for what you have in your life and love for the opportunity that this breakup gives you. However hopeless it may seem right now in the middle of such pain.

 

I'm sure that right now it feels like the end of the world but I know that it will get better for both of us. Try to stay positive and if you have questions as to why this needs to happen just accept that it was something you couldn't control and NEVER will be able to change.

 

In fact the more you try to hold on the worse it will be. I did this before a year ago and actually succeeded in winning my x back for a year and it only made things worse in retrospect. A clean break would have been better although at the time I felt vindicated.

 

DON'T hold on to the past. This was meant to be and the more you try to control things the worse it will be in the end. Let go!!

 

My ex did me a favor by hooking up with a new man and not contacting me these few weeks. All hope is gone (of us getting back together) and I am forced to suffer thru this. But i do have hope for the future. Just try to accept the inevitable. She is not coming back and trying to imagine that it will get better will keep you stuck in the past while she is off doing whatever.. ****ing, cuddling with a new man.

 

It isn't my concern what she is doing, how she is feeling, and I will only torment myself accepting bread crubs and reading into every communication. Nobody should control you or your emotions especially a ghost of the past.

 

Why torture your self like that. It isn't worth it. It is sufficiently difficult just getting over this without added communication and re living the past.

 

If you feel your balls shrinking at any thought relating to her it is bad. Shift your thoughts. Push these out of your mind. Or even wallow in these thoughts until your are totally sick of them. Either way. Regain both testicles and you will feel better.

 

Shift your mind to something else. Imagine she is dead. It doesn't matter. Just try to repeat that you are grateful for what you have in your life and that you will get over this and be able to let go and will grow from this experience.

 

All of this is a blessing in disguise and one day you will actually thank her for ending things and will walk away with your head held high with total indifference as to what she feels or thinks. You will be healed and more self aware and wont be enslaved to her whims, email, texts, or really anything that now bothers you.

 

At least this is what I am striving for. Best of luck. Keep NC. Don't fool yourself. Accept this is all part of life and growth and you will be OK. Only you can hold your self back from a bright future. She has no hold on you now and you shouldn't let her

[Sameold]

I feel for you, mine ended in a similar fashion, also 4 years.

 

Trust us all when we say the best thing you can do now is just not contact her at all. Delete her from your life. If you have to explain to her that you are doing this to protect yourself but you need to delete her number, block her fb etc.

 

You are going to be fine, but you are the only one that can make this happen. She wil, text you now and again, particularly if things "post-split" don't happen quite as she planned. When you get these texts you need to ignore them, don't tell her you love her etc...she has gone, and that will only make her feel better about herself. She already knows you love her, she shouldn't fish for it.

 

Also, and I mean this. If there is any chance for your future it will be because you have completely dissapeared from her life, she wont know what the heck you are doing from day to day/week to week and one day it will hit her just what you had. Only then might she decide to chase you so hard to get you back in her life. This probably wont happen but I'm just saying.

 

It sounds cliche' but get working on your own life, get fit, get active and switched on. This girl is nothing in your present now, the past has gone.

[Million.to.1]

Heartbreak sux....

 

but you'll be okay.

 

Please read about no contact and have a look in my signature at the Pre NC guide.

 

We are all here for you during this time. Post here instead of contacting her and keep busy.

[max921860]

You guys are great and I really appreciate your comments. Have not heard from her today as expected, but was still thinking that after her text last night that she may. I seem to be doing a bit better, but a couple of things keep coming back and festering. That is, and I know it sounds cliche, how can someone be so incredibly loving and so close and turn into such a cold person? I guess she was always this way, but it rarely showed. She knows that no one cared more for her than me. Not trying to sound cheezy, but I find it hard to believe that 2 people could be closer than we were. And in every aspect of a relationship. Then one day.....gone. I keep beating myself up for turning up the pressure on her when I felt things turning for the worse. I guess I just was so scared of losing what we had that I drove her so far away. Anyway, the text last night reopened all the wounds as I woke up thinking that she was realizing that she wanted me back, so back to square one. Will start trying to being more positive, but I hurt....bad. Not going to lie. Watching the seconds tick off the clock. This day seems like it will never end. Again, thank you for your support and will be needing more I am sure.

[cavalier99]

I am not even near to being recovered after only 3 weeks. But time seems to be moving at more normal speed now. The 1st week felt like a year. I'm sure for her it was like nothing. So I understand your pain.

 

I also dealt with the strange feeling toward the end that she wasn't even the same person that I loved and couldn't fathom how from one day to the next she could almost treat me like a stranger.

 

I cant understand it and probably never will. One minute we were fine and the next I was sitting next to a totally different person. In fact the more I pressed as to what was going on the more indifferent, defensive, and cold she became.

 

I'm thinking the other guy she was interested in (I got it out of her) had a lot to do with this. Also I'm sure she was also strugging with how to let go (probably for months) so basically she just had a big head start on healing while and I was totally clueless, even though all the signs were there.

 

I'm no expert, but I am cutting her out of my life completely. I had access to all her accounts that I set up over the years for her: email, phone, etcetera etcetera.

 

I needed to login three times with wrong password to all these accounts to force her to reset the passwords to these accounts. Needless to say she was pissed and accused me of violating her privacy. (True)

 

But hey, I'm into self preservation and the last thing I need to do is check her email 2 months from now in a moment of weakness and see a photo of her with a new guy, or obsess over her phone calls, or where she went to dinner.

 

I'm like a recovering addict and NC is the only way.

 

Watch out for your self. Put yourself 1st and trust that this is for the best (at least that is what im trying to do).

 

She emailed me the other day about an account we had together and I didn't even respond. I thought maybe I should be polite but then thought better. She can close it for all I care. Just getting a email from her is a setback, never mind responding.

 

Stay clear of her at ALL costs. Any contact however minor is a major setback especially if it come from you.

 

Ive been here before and know how the most innocent thing can get you sucked back in and keep you feeling miserable. Keep strong!

 

Cheers,

 

Cavalier99

[colombiana28]

how can someone be so incredibly loving and so close and turn into such a cold person? I guess she was always this way, but it rarely showed. She knows that no one cared more for her than me. Not trying to sound cheezy, but I find it hard to believe that 2 people could be closer than we were. And in every aspect of a relationship. Then one day.....gone. I keep beating myself up for turning up the pressure on her when I felt things turning for the worse. I guess I just was so scared of losing what we had that I drove her so far away. Anyway, the text last night reopened all the wounds as I woke up thinking that she was realizing that she wanted me back, so back to square one.

 

 

I was in a 4.5 year relationship from 19 to 23. he was my first boyfriend and we had so much in common, connected on a crazy deep level. I always told him, "No one has ever loved ANYONE as much as I love you." I truly believed we were heaven's perfect match and that nothing would ever come between us.

 

well, here's the sh_tty reality: people change. I changed a ton in those 4 years. my mind was opened to other possibilities. That connection I had with my first boyfriend? Not as special as I thought, we weren't the world's *perfect* couple like i thought. It hit him like a ton of bricks when i ended it. I moved on quite easily, actually. maybe it's because of deep-seated daddy issues or past rejection issues, but I find it extremely easy to detach from men i once looked in the eye and thought i would never love anyone else.

 

I see both guys and girls on here saying the same thing and it breaks my heart. It's actually very possible to have a strong connection one minute and want to move on the next. Mostly with the young and flaky. It's NOT fair, it's not easy to swallow, but sometimes it IS that easy to move on. The very, very best thing you can do for yourself, OP, is to kill any hope you have. It's not being an "anti-romantic"...it's just reality.

[max921860]

OMG so weak! Just IM'ed her. I kept it short and nice. with "Thinking about you. Hope you doing well". I passed her walking in my car but she didnt see me. Not expecting anything back from her as I know she is moving on, but I thought screw it and sent it. I do genuinely care about her and had some really good memories. Only regret now is wondering how she would respond. Again, not expecting anything back, but I loved her and truly hope she is doing well. What am I doing!!!

[Sameold]

Do you really hope she is doing well?

 

Do you hope she is licking her lips before she grabs thats guys pants, pulls them down and opens wide? I'm sorry I'm not being nasty but I'm trying to make you remember what this is about. She has gone, moved on, left you for dead. You don't need to and shouldn't be wishing her well, don't give her the satisfaction of easing her guilt, it will just make her feel validated.

 

Now you have to start NC all over again my friend and thus the circle continues until one day you are so hurt you finally realise why it is so important. Source? Myself who basically went through exactly the same thing but I was living with her too... 4 months NC now and I'm ten fold better. Though some things never changed, just got ditched by girl I've been dating recently too.

[max921860]

I appreciate the honesty truly and you are right, but something happened today that was positive after I sent the message.

 

I can see when the IM is read after I send it. She does not have an alarm for IM's on her phone so she has to look in the app to see if anyone has sent a message and I am the only contact in her IM app. So I sent the message and it was checked by her probably 5 minutes after I sent it. Most people would say "Great", she must be constantly checking her phone to see if I sent her a message and in turn makes them feel good like she still wants to hear from me. In my case, she checked it immediately and then sent nothing back.

 

I found a positive in this because it sent such a strong message to me that she is truly done with us. And as hard as that sounds, it finally opened my eyes that I need to move on. I was really wishing that we could find a way to be be back together like we were when things were good. Then, I thought "Even if she comes around, she will never love you as much as she did in the beginning. No matter what". If she came back, I would always compare everything else to the way we were during the "best" times. I would always have that fear of losing her again and I could never be myself. It would feel pre planned and not genuine.

 

And that is why we were so good in the beginning. We "both" just wanted to love each other and be natural. In he end, it was the opposite. I became so fearful of losing what we had, but it had already been gone for a very long time. I just figured all of this out way to late and that's on me. So, in short my point is, by her not getting back to me today, I was able to see things for what they really are and have become. The best of times with us could never be duplicated even if she found her way back to me. It doesn't mean that I am not still missing her as much as ever, but I can at least finally see out relationship for what it became. And that is we are better off apart than together. Hopefully I can have that feeling again someday of being so loved by another person. It is fantastic.

[cavalier99]

You are doing fine! It is great to hear that you are trying to find positives in things. Even if it was about about IM'ing her

 

I also stumbled if the first couple days, first with a super nice email in response to hers. Followed shortly after with a DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN EVER email. (this was before finding this site and learning about NC).

 

I didn't feel bad about it. In fact it actually made me feel some what stronger.

 

Now after a few weeks I would feel bad if I broke NC. It has all been said already.

 

Keep it up. I'm thinking if we a have a good attitude like you are trying to do and dont wallow in self pity it will help us recover faster. I think it is great that you are assessing the relationship. It was great, it changed for what ever reason (no bodys fault now), and it is OVER.

 

This might help you for your next relationship. Dont beat your self up. I also thought that there were things I could have done differently but I'm trying hard not to berate myself over this. She wasn't perfect either.

 

When I find myself replaying things things in my mind or get hit with too much sadness I try to stop it and repeat.

 

ACCEPTANCE, GRATEFUL, LOVE , IT IS OVER..FOREVER, IM FINE, IM STRONG, IM RECOVERING, LET GO, etcetera

 

This seem to make me calm down and relax.

 

Ive also took some advise for this site and spent time trying to cry and reliving every good moment until I was sick of it. I also imagined her getting nailed by her new boyfriend and just mourning the whole thing in general.... until I got bored with the stupidity of it all.

 

NOT sure if this help? Let me know if you are having luck with anything. I could use advise also.

 

Cavalier99

[max921860]

Thanks! This morning was a bit harder than most for some reason. It has been almost 5 days since we talked. Longest time in over 4 years. Keep replaying what she said when she broke it off and what she said in her last text. Looking for hidden meaning in them. I want her back of course, but like my best friend says, "what do you want back? "You waiting around every day hoping she will contact you? You sacrificing all of your time and emotion for that random 30 minute time together maybe once a week? If you get her back, what is going to change? It is her MO to keep you waiting and when it works for her, then she will put you first" I guess he has a point. How did I let myself become so dependent on her for my happiness? That part of my situation will be the hardest for me. I made her the sole source of my happiness and now she is gone. Trying to rebuild myself, but when I get reminders of all of the good times, I have to start over. One day at a time as they say, but still struggling. Thanks much!

[cavalier99]

Unfortunately there is no hidden meaning. Her not being there says it all. This is huge opportunity to find your self and feel good again without "needing" anyone else. Im going with my philosophy if any thought make my balls feel like they are shrinking I need to stop them and recover my self worth. I still try to feel and asses but no wallow in the pain. I think it is too easy to let your self sink into despair. It seems like it can be almost be like a replacement addiction for the relationship because you are reliving the same thing that gave you that high.

[max921860]

UPDATE.....

 

She got back to me this morning via text and said

 

Her- " Thanks for your message, I was very busy yesterday. I am OK, how r u?"

 

Me- " I am good. Headed to work now, have a good day today"

 

Her- " Thanks, you too!"

 

Me - Let me know if you want to talk at some point, I would like that, but only when/if you are ready. Contact me whenever you feel like it"

 

Her- Thanks for understanding, I will. Miss you!

 

Me- Miss you too

 

I am not reading anything into this. She was getting back to me from my text yesterday and I am sure didn't want to come off as rude. I still feel like it is definitely over. Just no feeling in her messages. If she was missing me, she would be calling to talk. That was the last time I am going to initiate contact with her. Still so crazy to go from talking to a person for four years 10 times a day, telling me everything going on in her life to.....nothing. I guess I underestimated how bad things must have gotten before the break. She is gone and I need to stop thinking about it.

 

Thanks

[Chi townD]

Awww...dude?!?!? Stop it already! Your last couple of post before your update you were literally dissecting two lines of text for some "hidden meaning" Like it was the Da Vinci code or something.

 

Do you really want to know what her orginal text after the break up was all about? OKAY!

 

MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be a person on this planet that hates them or doesn't think that they are a nice person. Let's look at the facts. She dumped you! She said that she valued her single life more than your love for her and that being away from you didn't stress her out anymore. She literally put the entire blame of the demise of the relationship on your shoulders. SHe KNOWS she broke your heart. She KNOWS that she kicked you when you were down. She KNOWS that she cut you to the core.

 

So, the meaning to the text was only to see where your head is at. Does he really hate me? Will he even talk to me? Should I remind him that I'm still interested in being his friend?

 

Trust me on this one. As soon as she figures out that you don't hate her, and that you're happy in life and moving forward. She's gonna kick you to the curb. Texts will go unanswered for a few hours; then a few days and then....nothing. No response. Same with the phonecalls and the e-mails.

 

 

Time to go NC and go dark on her. She made the choice to have you out of her life. Then, you give her EXACTLY what she wants.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Chi townD

[max921860]

I do agree with you. I think I have known that for a while, but poor execution on my part. Thanks

[mishy]

UPDATE.....

 

She got back to me this morning via text and said

 

Her- " Thanks for your message, I was very busy yesterday. I am OK, how r u?"

 

Me- " I am good. Headed to work now, have a good day today"

 

Her- " Thanks, you too!"

 

Me - Let me know if you want to talk at some point, I would like that, but only when/if you are ready. Contact me whenever you feel like it"

 

Her- Thanks for understanding, I will. Miss you!

 

Me- Miss you too

 

I am not reading anything into this. She was getting back to me from my text yesterday and I am sure didn't want to come off as rude. I still feel like it is definitely over. Just no feeling in her messages. If she was missing me, she would be calling to talk. That was the last time I am going to initiate contact with her. Still so crazy to go from talking to a person for four years 10 times a day, telling me everything going on in her life to.....nothing. I guess I underestimated how bad things must have gotten before the break. She is gone and I need to stop thinking about it.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

oh as a girl, i can see here that she is just wanting to know she still has you on the hook, and that you dont hate her.

 

Do not text her again! Don't give her the gratification

[love does not exist]

Same thing happened to me, except mine was 8 years.

[max921860]

oh as a girl, i can see here that she is just wanting to know she still has you on the hook, and that you dont hate her.

 

Do not text her again! Don't give her the gratification

 

 

I am not going to, the sadness is turning to anger and I will not keep giving in. That is what I have done most of our relationship. The one who was always waiting and basically on call for her when she was available. Looking back, I was a fool. I drove the relationship 90% of the time and when she did give, she made me feel guilty for any expectations.

 

I am thinking she is not trying to let me down easy, but most likely, just avoiding any confrontation. And I don't mean that in a nice way. She has been that way for as long as I have known her. Always wanting to know that she has "won" when challenges come her way. For example, if she got in a argument with her mom, she would never give in a call her first to apologize. Always waited till her mom called her. So it is safe to assume that she got my texts and wanted it to be over and is responding only to save face with no intention of wanting to talk. I have to follow through and make myself disappear from her. Not in the hopes of getting her back, but because she will not come back. Crazy times I am in!! Thanks folks!

[max921860]

Hey gang. Having a really tough time today and feel like things are spinning out of control. So focused on her and what she is doing. Sort of can't deal with not being in contact anymore. Actually scared how bad I feel right now. Thinking that I may need to make an appt with a doc and start figuring out how to best get through this and get some insight on how I can start being myself again. Feeling kind of hopeless. Has anyone been to a psychologist after break us like this. I may have some underlying issues to work on as well and the break up has made them come out in a bad way. Thanks for any suggestions.

[Chi townD]

Yep! Go see your Doctor. Absolutely nothing wrong with talking things out and even taking some meds to get you through the hard times.

 

If you feel angry or frustrated, then go for a run. If your having anxiety, go for a run. When you get back. You should feel a little better.

 

Above all else! DO NOT CONTACT HER!!! Just get through today.