foreverhopeful Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I've been with my bf for over a year but last year he cheated on me with his best friend. they aren't in contact anymore and he is trying so hard to show me that it was a horrible 'mistake' i know that it cant really be called a mistake because he did it for about 4-6 weeks maybe about 9 times so he didn't just do it once. it wasnt emotional, it was partially alcohol induced and part her manipulation but its no excuse and hes definitely not innocent to it i've tried so hard to deal, ive tried having space, being with him, asking many q's, crying, feeling angry and showing him how angry i am. i just want to know if i'm ever going to be able to deal with it. i thought i was fine for a few months, never brought it up and then all of a sudden for the past 2-3 mths ive been falling into a cycle of asking him all those intimate details, to being ok and then only a week later, feeling **** about it. the thing that worries/frustrates me is that its getting to be one-two days between these depressions. I am sick of fighting with him. when i gave him a second chance i said that he has to answer my questions when i need them answered because i have to deal with it and thats the way i deal, or maybe not, i just feel so low right now. to the point that when we fight i get so emotional that we make up but the next day i'm back to square one.. feeling sad, dirty [is that normal for someone who didnt cheat?] angry, hopeless and overall, the feeling that im unable to remove the images out of my head. i love him which is why i really want things to work, i used to think that if we both really loved easch other we could work through it but its getting so tiring and mentally draining, we go over the same things, i am happy when i hear that there was no emotional involvement [which is the truth, he knows not to lie after all this] but at the end of the day, i catch myself thinking about them being together and its just hurting me over and over. can you ever get past it? i feel like i am almost over it and thats when it sneaks up again. i want to believe thjat we can get past it but i have no idea how to, i dont even want to talk about it anymore because ive exhausted the whole situation, it just stings to keep recalling, even now as i write this i feel like 'hurting' myself in that area because i feel like he's dirtied me. is this normal? am i sick in the head or just grieving? someone please help, someone, anyone in this situation? or is anyone in her situation or his? i need some blunt advice. thankyou for listening
uriel Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I'm so sorry you're going through this. What I don't like most about your bf's "mistake" is that he did it with your best friend. He knew how much that would hurt you. In fact, he had to know your whole world would explode. Is that something you do to someone you love? What is love for him exactly? You're so focused on how much you love him in your post, that I wonder if you've thought about how he's expressed his love for you -- in actions, not words. He has done one of the worst things possible to you emotionally. It's not a matter of one drunken night's mistake either. It was a calculated, extended deception -- with another person in your life who was supposed to love and support you. Look -- life is hard enough without your having your life partner / significant other betraying you to this degree and making you feel worthless. When the chips are down (say you got pregnant by accident or discovered you had breast cancer or had a dying parent to nurse), is this an individual you'd trust to be there for you -- a rock? Would he put your needs ahead of his own for the time it took to set you back on course? Myself, I wouldn't trust him for it. This guy put his sexual urges before the needs of your heart. And, I suspect that you're willing to take it not only because you love him, but also because someone in your youth (a parent) taught you through their own abuse of your affections that that was what came with the package. No -- it doesn't have to. You deserve so much better. -- uriel
DazednConfused Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Good Morning Forever, I truly wish there was a pill or procedure that could not erase the knowledge, but remove the heartache that you are feeling. So many people on this board will happily tell you things like "The liar doesn't deserve you" and such. Here's the real deal (As I am experiencing much the same thing and struggling with the same thing you are); there is no easy answer for you. This is about regaining trust. If you can in your heart of hearts truly believe that he is faithful now, has learned his lesson, and will always be faithful to you in the future, then you have to control your obsessive thoughts and tendencies. Realize that this is all behind you, and that all the obsessing in the world will not change anything. Consciously give yourself permission to be happy. Granted this does not work all the time, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and the better you will become. This is a tough and crappy road you and I have chosen to take; far harder than "Dump the slut/bastard" as many would advise. I bet you feel great when he is around and you are doing things together, but you obsess like mad when he is away from you. This is when you need to train your mind to focus on other things. So when he comes around again, you can be the person for him that you want to be, not an emotional wreck waiting to pounce upon him asking all the same questions to get the reassurance you think you need. I do it too sometimes, and I am aware that it is not attractive. It sounds like your b/f, like my wife, has been honest with you to a fault, has cooperated with your every desire in order to help you. You have to do your part as promised, and truly make an effort to pull yourself through. Only you can do this for yourself. Be sure of what you want and have the guts to make it happen for yourself. Good luck!
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