Now, What approach should I take??

[whichwayisup]

So I didnt go to the holloween party.... about 2 hours after it started she text me asking where I was, I replied back that I was sick... She again, replied with I hope you feel better...

 

 

Dam, this situation sucks !!! I guess its one day at a time...

 

Glad you didn't go.

 

Man, you need to shi.t or get off the pot. Either take this A for what it is, let her use you and enjoy it while it lasts, accept things as they are OR RUN. Say goodbye and move on with your life.

 

Doing what you're doing now is totally ***ing you up! And you're going to end up on anti depressants if you don't walk away.. You don't seem like one who can casually do it and have it mean nothing, so buck it up and end it. Tell her goodbye, and let yourself grieve the loss so you can heal..

[2sunny]

Why did you say you were sick? Why couldn't you just say "I'm not attending!"

 

You don't owe her answers or reasons.

 

Just don't communicate! She will eventually get the message.

[davidjor]

Well, I came to Florida to "put things in perspective" I think I'll tell MW I need some time to gather my thoughts and begin to put things in order in my life. She hasn't text yet today, but I'm sure she will at some point. I think ignoring her would be offensive, I just want her to know I need this time for me, it's about me and nothing to do with her.. Thoughts??

[RickFox]

Well, I came to Florida to "put things in perspective" I think I'll tell MW I need some time to gather my thoughts and begin to put things in order in my life. She hasn't text yet today, but I'm sure she will at some point. I think ignoring her would be offensive, I just want her to know I need this time for me, it's about me and nothing to do with her.. Thoughts??

 

And what she's doing to you is not offensive?

 

 

It has everything to do with her yet you refuse to see that. Stop making excuses and leaving the door open becuase in reality, you don't want it to end, you have that glimmer of hope we all had but only you will find out how much of playtoy you truly are, when you get tired of being strung along.

 

You don't want to be offensive? Fine, simply tell her that she is married and she needs to focus on her marriage and that she no longer needs to be in contact with you and you hope she respects your wishes. Wish her well and close the door.

[East7]

.... in reality, you don't want it to end, you have that glimmer of hope we all had but only you will find out how much of playtoy you truly are, when you get tired of being strung along.

.

 

I like very much this part of Rick's post. It says in short and simple words what an OM goes through.

 

It is very hard to let go the hope that maybe..."one day".. there will be a happily every after. It has been the hardest part of the process of healing for me. Even 2 years after the A, when MW came back to ask if there was a future for us, I still considered her ! (In fact it was a side effect of her depression to look for some emotional validation).

 

Truth is, Davidjor, that a woman who really loves you won't stay married to another man or make you wait. Mine (xMW) was a Master in the art of convincing how much she cant' move. And the worst is I gave her plenty of excuses. Truth is she never really wanted to move or be with me.

 

Don't waste your time with a woman who is showing you very clearly she is choosing her husband and you are an entertainment.

 

Please don't make the same mistakes all OM make. Put an end to it. If you want to be polite with her you can still tell her that you need to make time for yourself and you are busy (implying she is no priority - she will understand..). There is nothing offensive to back off and get your life back.

[firstandlast]

I like very much this part of Rick's post. It says in short and simple words what an OM goes through.

 

It is very hard to let go the hope that maybe..."one day".. there will be a happily every after. It has been the hardest part of the process of healing for me. Even 2 years after the A, when MW came back to ask if there was a future for us, I still considered her ! (In fact it was a side effect of her depression to look for some emotional validation).

 

Truth is, Davidjor, that a woman who really loves you won't stay married to another man or make you wait. Mine (xMW) was a Master in the art of convincing how much she cant' move. And the worst is I gave her plenty of excuses. Truth is she never really wanted to move or be with me.

 

Don't waste your time with a woman who is showing you very clearly she is choosing her husband and you are an entertainment.

 

Please don't make the same mistakes all OM make. Put an end to it. If you want to be polite with her you can still tell her that you need to make time for yourself and you are busy (implying she is no priority - she will understand..). There is nothing offensive to back off and get your life back.

 

+1 Very well put.

[2sure]

David , stop letting this woman treat you like this. She makes you feel like crap.

If you don't stop accepting this, soon you will just expect it.

 

Not just from her , but from other women as well. Tolerating this kind of treatment will just get you used to it.

[davidjor]

Well, I'm in Florida relaxing for a week and it seems like all I doing is thinking about this MW. It's consuming my entire being, I know it's pathetic but, she's got me by the balls. The other night she texted me and I just said to her, I was tired and needed to go to sleep, she replied with "ok, good night sweet dreams. Love you bunches". That one text ****ed with my head for three days now. I know I gotta stop all communication with her, but it's not as easy as it seems, at least not for me.... Well ****...this sucks.. :-(

[firstandlast]

Well, I'm in Florida relaxing for a week and it seems like all I doing is thinking about this MW. It's consuming my entire being, I know it's pathetic but, she's got me by the balls. The other night she texted me and I just said to her, I was tired and needed to go to sleep, she replied with "ok, good night sweet dreams. Love you bunches". That one text ****ed with my head for three days now. I know I gotta stop all communication with her, but it's not as easy as it seems, at least not for me.... Well ****...this sucks.. :-(

 

I totally understand the validation you're getting from her crumbs of affection -- I've been in similar situations -- but I really don't see any upside here. You're young and single. Finding someone available will take a lot less out of you than getting further involved in this mess. If you think there's a chance she'll leave her husband for you, go NC so she gets a taste of life without your attention. Right now, she has no incentive at all to leave. She's getting everything she wants, and you're getting a text-based relationship.

[Barrsitter]

OP....

 

something to always remember.....

 

we teach people how to treat us.

[RickFox]

Well, I'm in Florida relaxing for a week and it seems like all I doing is thinking about this MW. It's consuming my entire being, I know it's pathetic but, she's got me by the balls. The other night she texted me and I just said to her, I was tired and needed to go to sleep, she replied with "ok, good night sweet dreams. Love you bunches". That one text ****ed with my head for three days now. I know I gotta stop all communication with her, but it's not as easy as it seems, at least not for me.... Well ****...this sucks.. :-(

 

I fully understand man, trust me I do. You will always think about this woman who stole your heart, always. But in time, the thoughts will hold less value and if you let yourself move on, you will see she wasn't all that and a bag of chips either. You are putting her on a pedestal because she made you feel special, alive, vibrant, youthful all that jazz and the whole nine yards. You need to shut her out, change the number on your phone, whatever you have to do, but it will only get worse if you keep letting her string you along, cause that's what's happening. You're waiting at the table for that crumb...and that crumb tastes sooooo good, but you aren't getting any more crumbs after that, not for a while, not till you show her how bad you need it and then, maybe, just to teast you , she'll dangle the crumb in front of you..... and it will continue on until she tires of you ....or you tire of the game. By then, the damage will be overwhelmingly horrific.

[Tenacity]

Seriously... if that is you in the avatar, why are you settling for a woman committed to someone else?

 

You are a great looking man - don't settle for this nonsense. Move on and stop being needy to her... you definitely have more going on than that.

[Barrsitter]

I fully understand man, trust me I do. You will always think about this woman who stole your heart, always. But in time, the thoughts will hold less value and if you let yourself move on, you will see she wasn't all that and a bag of chips either. You are putting her on a pedestal because she made you feel special, alive, vibrant, youthful all that jazz and the whole nine yards. You need to shut her out, change the number on your phone, whatever you have to do, but it will only get worse if you keep letting her string you along, cause that's what's happening. You're waiting at the table for that crumb...and that crumb tastes sooooo good, but you aren't getting any more crumbs after that, not for a while, not till you show her how bad you need it and then, maybe, just to teast you , she'll dangle the crumb in front of you..... and it will continue on until she tires of you ....or you tire of the game. By then, the damage will be overwhelmingly horrific.

 

RickFox has it bang on. You say it sucks. Well, why do you put continuously put yourself in harm's way????? You need to start a new and all-consuming hobby. Change up your daily pattern. DO HOT YOGA!!!!!!!!!!!!! It will totally change your perspective and get you on a self-respecting path instead of the self-loathing path you are on. Then you WILL see that it is NOT best for you to continue to be involved with this woman. AND NOW FOR SOMETHING HARSH. IF YOU CONTINUE TO CONTACT HER AND THEN WRITE ON LOVESHACK THAT YOU HATE THE PAIN YOU ARE GETTING FROM THIS, THEN YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GET. IF YOU TRULY HATE THE PAIN, STOP THE PAIN BY IMMEDIATELY GOING FULL-OUT NC. YOUR WORDS AND YOUR ACTIONS DON'T LINE UP = LACK OF CREDIBILITY.

Edited October 28, 2012 by Barrsitter

[davidjor]

Y'all are right about cutting all contact, however difficult it is it is the only way. Who know's maybe one day we would be able to be just friends. Yes, that aviator is me. I would have never pictured myself being in such a situation. It just sucks, because I do enjoy her friendship.

[skywriter]

Y'all are right about cutting all contact, however difficult it is it is the only way. Who know's maybe one day we would be able to be just friends. Yes, that aviator is me. I would have never pictured myself being in such a situation. It just sucks, because I do enjoy her friendship.

 

davidjor,

 

Once you've been out of the A for a while, you won't even consider being friends with her.

 

Maybe I'm projecting here, dunno, but, I've been out of an A for nearly six months now. He and I were involved for almost six yrs.

 

There is no friendship option here as far as I am concerned. If I see him out, I will look the other way. Politlely... LOL!

[Owl]

Y'all are right about cutting all contact, however difficult it is it is the only way. Who know's maybe one day we would be able to be just friends. Yes, that aviator is me. I would have never pictured myself being in such a situation. It just sucks, because I do enjoy her friendship.

 

So...as hard as it is...man up and cut contact off, completely and totally.

 

Slightly off from the "norm", I personally am all for a final email/text from you, to her, simply informing her point blank that it is OVER, and that you will accept no further contact of any kind from her.

 

Often that's what the other party needs to hear.

 

If she breaks that boundary...you need to have consequences in place.

 

If that happens, she gets ONE warning..."if you attempt to contact me again, all further communications will be referred to your H".

 

I know you will feel like you're not being a good friend...but in reality...what kind of "good friend" helps her to keep cheating? That's not doing her any favors...and clearly not doing yourself any good either.

 

Tell her it's over...and then remove any avenue of approach she might take. Change email/cell phone numbers/etc...

 

And then focus on changing your own life for the better.

[East7]

Y'all are right about cutting all contact, however difficult it is it is the only way. Who know's maybe one day we would be able to be just friends. Yes, that aviator is me. I would have never pictured myself being in such a situation. It just sucks, because I do enjoy her friendship.

 

'Being friends' is your heart and mind negotiating..You are trying to keep her in your life in any form because the loss sounds terrible. But believe me, what sounds today like a terrible loss is in fact a blessing in disguise.

 

I mean come on...3 months affair is nothing ! Consider it as a fling, albeit your most beautiful/sexy/passionate fling..This woman in showing your very clearly that she has chosen her husband. She is not even lying to you or asking you to wait. She didn't sleep with you. She only enjoys throwing you crumbs through meaningless text messages because you are accepting to be her toy.

 

Some married women are really in love with their OM, but your MW really doesn't give a damn..believe me...

[davidjor]

Ok, we'll I'm going to do my best to do NC starting today.

[davidjor]

So yesterday, I told her that this wasn't working for me. Since september we have only seen each other twice, and that even good friends are able to spend time together. Anyway, this week i went two days without contacting her at all then on Wednesday afternoon I get a message "You haven't talked to me in two hole days, I'm over it" My reply was, well listen I'm really not liking how this has been going the past several month, we never get to see each other and you don't go out of your way to even try and see me. Then, she says she was going to stop by after her hair appointment, however her stylist was 2 hours behind etc. Moral of the story, is I told her that I was always honest with her about my feelings, and that I really need to take time to myself and get these feelings in "Check" she said she would respect that, and asked if I would let her know every once in a while that I was "ok" I told her, "look at the bright side, at least you didn't give up your family (husband and step son, she doesnt have any kids herself) for this, and that she should now focus 100% on her marrage and finding happiness within it. her reply was "Oh yea, and I haven't tried that"

 

Anyway, I haven't heard from her since yesterday.... I hope I can really block the temptation of contacting her or replying to her if she does contact me. :-(

[Pierre]

So yesterday, I told her that this wasn't working for me. Since september we have only seen each other twice, and that even good friends are able to spend time together. Anyway, this week i went two days without contacting her at all then on Wednesday afternoon I get a message "You haven't talked to me in two hole days, I'm over it" My reply was, well listen I'm really not liking how this has been going the past several month, we never get to see each other and you don't go out of your way to even try and see me. (

 

David:

 

Do you realize how illogical you sound in your post?

 

SHE IS MARRIED and you talk to her as if she was a single woman, WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(

 

You sound like a doormat with no options! Do you realize that most women here think you are a handsome guy?

 

For the love of God, don't talk to her anymore!!!

[Breathless]

David:

 

Do you realize how illogical you sound in your post?

 

SHE IS MARRIED and you talk to her as if she was a single woman, WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(

 

You sound like a doormat with no options! Do you realize that most women here think you are a handsome guy?

 

For the love of God, don't talk to her anymore!!!

 

Wow! I did a double take on this comment...I was shocked to see it was from you Pierre. It was still straight forward, non-emotional, typical "Hello McFly" type of comment from you but it extremely kind. Hopefully OP will hear ya with this one.

[BrokenPrincess]

What is it that you want from her? To leave her husband & stepson to be with you full time? She sounds like she's just stringing you along, playing games that don't seem very fun.

 

NC is terrible the first week or so but it does get better and you'll find yourself refocusing on your life again instead of the anxiety of this relationship.

 

And boo...I can't see your avi

[davidjor]

One thing that keeps sticking in my head that she said a while ago, I just didn't get it at the time. 'She said, i could be her husband that makes her happy, and her current husband can pay her bills" the more I play that over in my head the more selfish that sounds..... I guess I really was played for a fool this time...

 

Broken, I took the AVI down. :-( You can send me a PM if you want

[Tenacity]

I agree totally with Pierre. WHAT are you doing??? This woman is a loser and user who is stringing you along, and if she cared about you she would make time for you. People make time for those who are important to them - they move heaven and earth to do it. She is not into you.

 

But that is not the point - as Pierre said, she is MARRIED! What do you mean, "This is not working for me"??? WHAT is not working for you? You never see her; you don't have a relationship with her. Her ego gets stung when you don't contact her so she needs to reach out to make sure you're still hung up on her and being her doormat, and then when she gets that affirmation (which you offered up to her in your communication with her yesterday in no uncertain terms) she gets her little power boost and she's done.

 

Honestly, what do you see in a woman who is such a user and is so completely self-centered as to make a statement about having you as a husband to "make her happy" and keep the other one to "pay her bills"? Did that not shout out to you as a huge red flag when she said it? How completely narcissistic....

[PeineDeCoeur]

So yesterday, I told her that this wasn't working for me. Since september we have only seen each other twice, and that even good friends are able to spend time together. Anyway, this week i went two days without contacting her at all then on Wednesday afternoon I get a message "You haven't talked to me in two hole days, I'm over it" My reply was, well listen I'm really not liking how this has been going the past several month, we never get to see each other and you don't go out of your way to even try and see me. Then, she says she was going to stop by after her hair appointment, however her stylist was 2 hours behind etc. Moral of the story, is I told her that I was always honest with her about my feelings, and that I really need to take time to myself and get these feelings in "Check" she said she would respect that, and asked if I would let her know every once in a while that I was "ok" I told her, "look at the bright side, at least you didn't give up your family (husband and step son, she doesnt have any kids herself) for this, and that she should now focus 100% on her marrage and finding happiness within it. her reply was "Oh yea, and I haven't tried that"

 

Anyway, I haven't heard from her since yesterday.... I hope I can really block the temptation of contacting her or replying to her if she does contact me. :-(

 

OP,

 

You are getting great advice here... and NC is really really hard. I tried it two or three times before it stuck for good. THe best part about loveshack is the support but also the chance to articulate your thoughts and allow what has been said here to process. It will take some time, that's all. If you fall and contact her - its ok, but keep listening to what she is saying to you, and pay attention to how it is making you feel. Time will give you fresh perspective, and it will be easier to let her go.