My boyfriend is confused. How do I deal?

[Kbear]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 2 years. We have been living together for a year and a half now and everything has been wonderful until now. Lately he has been very distant and short with me. I finally got him to admit what was bothering him. He said he was confused about his future. He kept saying things like I haven't done things I've always wanted to do and he said he didn't think of me in his future. It broke my heart to hear him say those words. It was completely out of the blue. I was very shocked because our relationship has always been great. He is 26 and I am 22. This is my first real love and I am completely heart-broken. Now he is treating me more as a roommate instead of a girlfriend. He says he still loves me, but he is just confused as to what he wants, and he doesn't want to hurt me in the end.

 

He hasn't shown me any affection since we had this conversation, and I am wondering what to do. He is too young to be going through this mid-life crisis. I am wondering what has triggered these thoughts. He knows that I think of him in my future. I have never pressed the marriage issue nor ever brought it up. He is not cheating or thinking of anyone else, so he admits to his dad, so I don't know what the deal is. I do know that I am sad and I can't stand living with him this way anymore. Please Help!

[uriel]

When a guy thinks this way about a woman in his future, he's thinking that he has to settle down, get a house, find a steady workaday job, and provide. He's got to give up any dreams that might be riskier -- like going to school abroad, or starting a risky business that might tank, or becoming a rockstar -- whatever. He's also thinking that's the end of his youth -- no more fun with the guys, no chasing girls, not ever. Is he ready to be an old, settled man or does he still have some living to do?

 

Yes, that's how immature men see marriage. They don't see it as a mutual pact to share exciting lives together doing whatever makes you both zing. They don't see it as mapping out a course as you go, taking what comes, adjusting to circumstance, supporting each others' dreams -- crazy, risky, farfetched as they may be. They see themselves shopping for fringed pillows at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, barely able to breath around your smothering skirt. Often, a guy's idea of marriage / adult life is determined by how he saw his parents'. He may want something along those lines eventually -- but not now, not yet.

 

What this guy is telling you in a very awkward way is that he doesn't think he's ready to make a longterm commitment to you (ah, you say, you'd already assumed he had -- but he hasn't in his own mind; he hasn't gotten engaged, so...). He doesn't think he wants to get married now or even in the next few years. He wants to be free to find out who he is and get the most he can out of life -- for which he believes he needs his liberty.

 

He says this with regret because he feels like a creep for hurting you. And, he's also thinking he might regret losing you. But that he's said this much reveals that he's beginning to feel that those are unpleasantries worth facing if he gets to break out and see what the rest of the world (and yes, other women in bed) has to offer.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt -- but this is an old story. You don't want to be with a guy who doesn't want to commit to you, no matter how much you love him. He needs to make up his mind, but there's nothing you can do to help with that process -- except not wait around forever.

 

-- uriel

[wp2334]

With respect, uriel, I disagree.

 

Kbear,

Try to think.. Something must have gone wrong between you two. This didn't just come out of thin air. Try to think.. What was your relationship like? Was there any jealousy or unresolved issues?

 

Look, uriel is correct that this is how men think, but this is how women think, too, when the current relationship is not fulfilling. If the relationship were fulfilling, nothing would not destroy the relationship. If the relationship were fulfilling, there is no reason for anyone to want to leave it.

 

Think about what problems you two might have had, and write back to us.

 

There is still hope. But for now, back off. Give him distance. Be accepting of his thoughts and ideas and really let him breathe, okay? Stop bringing it up. Try try try with all your might, with ever single amount of power in your will to be friendly, calm, and accepting. This is so that you do not make the situation any worse than it is. Please do that. It's very important that you back off right now.. do not be bitter, do not be overly cheerful, but do try to muster up the courage to accept this is happening and that it is okay.

[wp234]

With respect, uriel, I disagree.

 

Kbear,

Try to think.. Something must have gone wrong between you two. This didn't just come out of thin air. Try to think.. What was your relationship like? Was there any jealousy or unresolved issues?

 

Look, uriel is correct that this is how men think, but this is how women think, too, when the current relationship is not fulfilling. If the relationship were fulfilling, nothing would not destroy the relationship. If the relationship were fulfilling, there is no reason for anyone to want to leave it.

 

Think about what problems you two might have had, and write back to us.

 

There is still hope. But for now, back off. Give him distance. Be accepting of his thoughts and ideas and really let him breathe, okay? Stop bringing it up. Try try try with all your might, with ever single amount of power in your will to be friendly, calm, and accepting. This is so that you do not make the situation any worse than it is. Please do that. It's very important that you back off right now.. do not be bitter, do not be overly cheerful, but do try to muster up the courage to accept this is happening and that it is okay.

[aFighter]

See, You want to know what's going on, anyone would!

 

But if you push too hard it could lead to fights, if you don't try to ask he could think you don't care. What to do...

If it was me I'd carry on day to day, talk as normal & let them come forward in their own time. I, personally, see this as one of those cases where you'll just have to sit still and wait for whatever comes. He will talk about it when he's ready

[uriel]

Just to clarify -- I'm not advocating that she leave him, not yet. I'm just explaining why he's having doubts. And yes, immature men do have doubts even when relationships they are in are decent. Immature women do, too, only they have a different pattern of thoughts surrounding those doubts -- usually concerning whether they will find a guy with whom they might fall more madly, completely in love.

 

I think you should stay with this guy for a while longer and let him make up his mind. But, you're living together and he's treating you like a roommate, so you have to deal with the present painfulness of this situation, too. Tell him you want to give him some space (not a break) to think things through. Till then, you'll be sleeping on the couch (no sex). Be good to him, supportive, whatever after that -- but keep things on a friendship level until he recommits to more than that. And, like I said before, don't give him forever. You've been together 2 years. Obviously, he knew things were heading in a serious direction. You weren't needy / out of line to bring this up. You're not his casual gf.

 

By saying he doesn't think he sees you in his future and then acting like a mere roommate, he's the one who has forced things to a crisis. Now, he needs to diffuse that, one way or the other.

 

-- uriel