Single dad and 17 YO daughter--so much stress

[Guitarjeff]

I have raisedmy two kids alone for about 13 years now. I have a 21 year old son and a daughter 17 YO. Like most fathers and daughters we are very close, or were until this emotional turmoil started in her.

 

I made her wait until she was 17 to date. She has a nice boyfriend, a good kid, smart, polite, but she has a girlfriend that I think is a bad influence.

 

Her boyfriend and her broke up for about a week, and he told me she slept with some punk and was drinking and smoking. I was stunned that my little girl could ever lie to me, I just couldn't believe it.

 

Not even sure what advice i am asking for, I am just so hurt and confused and feel like my little baby girl is slipping away from me. It seems so much harder to raise a girl, and my emotions are always swirling around about her, I live in fear when she is driving around at night (She works at McDonalds, and the stress is just killing me. Why in the hell can't I just have some peace. i feel like I will never just have some peace and not have to worry all the time.

 

She is a sweet girl, hard worker, got her first job at KFC when she was 14, wins awards for customer service, was just made a crew trainer at MacDonalds and got a raise. But all of a sudden, so much emotion.

 

I had a relationship about a year ago with a woman over in England, and I went over there a couple times to see her. My daughter seemed to go nuts, got in trouble at school while I was gone for a week. She even started this cutting or scratching herself on her arms. It was like she was so hurt that I tried to have a relationship.

 

Their mother basically ran out on them years ago, and she really has some bitter feelings about her mother. Now, she is moody when she comes home, emotional, and she is worrying me to death.

 

I guess I just needed to rant some, thanks for listening.

[january2011]

She may be afraid of losing you. And while she has some modicum of independence, she may also fear abandonment by you. I think that it's going to be difficult for you to start dating again until she is more financially and emotionally independent, perhaps when she leaves for college and spreads her wings a bit more.

 

I know she's your child and she'll always be your child, but at some point you also have to let her find her own way in the world. You can't always keep her as your "little baby girl." However, you can still guide her, provide a safe environment and set a good example so that she can make smart choices.

 

You may wish to consider some form of therapy, if you haven't tried this avenue already. The self-harm is a concern and needs to be investigated. Have you tried talking to her to try to get her to open up to you about what's going on inside her head?

[2sure]

Sounds like she has earned some abandonment issues?

 

My daughter can be pretty nerve wracking as well, I have been concerned about her acting out over some issues and about her mental health more than once. Parenting a teenage girl can be very tough stuff.

 

Hold her closer by doing healthy things with her - like a bike ride together. Is she working too much? Volunteer work and activism have been a great outlet for my daughter to release some anger (protesting) as well as be fulfilled by helping others and realizing that anything wrong with today can be different in the morning.

 

No wisdom here, I know - but I feel you

[darkmoon]

little girl she may seem to be, but is she on the pill? a vulnerable girl is likely to make unwise emotional descisions, her libodo is revving up at her age

[VeveCakes]

You need to get her in therapy ASAP if she is cutting herself. She is hurting.

 

Teenagers are tough, but you have to let them be teenagers.

[Eve]

The transition to adulthood can be hard. Try and remember what it was like for yourself when you approach her. To me this sounds like her peer group is causing some level of worry and she is up to things that she does not want to tell you about/can't tell you about. Do you have a sister she can talk to, or another responsible female relative or friend?

 

I would try regular talks but don't let her get all sulky on you - that is usually a sign that they have been up to something and are trying to distract attention from themselves.

 

Hope you have had the birth control talk. With the way things are nowadays, I would discuss her going on the BC implant.

 

If she is not planning on going to University maybe you need to talk to her about what her plans are. It could be that she wants more freedom from the home but does not know how to do this, what with being in employment so young. She may be getting ready to move out and her behaviours are a symptom of this.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[whichwayisup]

Just love her. She's still a good kid (teen) and she's doing what most teens do. .. Lie to their parents and do stuff (smoke and drink) behind their backs.

 

Let her know you'll always be there for her no matter what and she can rely on you, no matter what the circumstances are. You are all she has..

 

Is she close to her brother? maybe ask him to reach out to her, keep an eye on her.

[Guitarjeff]

Thanksfor all the great replies folks. I have hinted at being safe about sex, but I have not specifically talked about birth control. Man oh man that's such a hard subject for a dad to talk to his daughter about. I do have a sister that she is fairly close with, so I will ask her to have a talk with her if she will.

 

Thanks everyone.

[turnera]

You haven't discussed BC yet? WTH? You should have had that talk when she was 13!

 

Look. She needs your utter complete honesty. Warts and all. All your fears for her, all the dirty truths of what boys are out for, all the consequences of drugs and pregnancy, what you expect out of her...all of it!

 

My DD22 is in a psych class about parenting this semester and she just called me a few minutes ago to tell me that they were discussing parenting styles. She told them that I raised her by explaining - beforehand - what her consequences would be for each possible scenario. If you do something stupid and get arrested, don't expect me to bail you out, as that is your own punishment. If you get pregnant, I'll help you get through it but you will have to finish school and college or else I'll stop helping you. If you get into drugs, you can tell me and I will help you find ways to say no the next time and I won't judge you, but I will give you a consequence such as no internet for a week.

 

She told them that she knew that I would always support her, wouldn't stop loving her, but that I would also hold HER responsible for her own mistakes, so think twice before she made them. And she has.

 

Kids NEED rules and consequences. It's their safety net. You need to have a talk with her about the other boy and the drugs. You need to tell her that you expect her to try things out, but that moving forward she needs to understand she's going to have consequences if you find out she's done something. Explain what the consequences will be - cleaning grandma's house, no internet, whatever - for each transgression.

 

And for heaven's sake, make an appointment for her to get on BC! DD22 has been on it since she was 17, just in case (and she's still a virgin).

[Eve]

She needs to hear this from you too OP. If we don't they take it that we don't care.

 

Your name is Dad and you can do this. Get her a woman (who is responsible) to talk too but this is your role.

 

It's time to go for a walk and do the talk. Prepare yourself.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[turnera]

Going for a walk is a GREAT way to do this. You aren't facing each other so it's not subconsciously a confrontation, but just a discussion. You're on the path and you can't just avoid each other til you get back home.