Should I stay or should I go?

[kyli]

This turned out a bit long. I apologize for that.

 

I'm in a 5 month long relationship with my boyfriend. I'm 19 and live in California. He's 24 in New York. We met at the end of the school year in May/June online and everything was great. But then he lost his job and had to get two new jobs to pay for rent and all that. It made it really hard to communicate because he was always so stressed and tired with his financial problems. I knew that expecting him to make me his priority was really unreasonable with his situation so I did my best to stay understanding if he was too tired, too stress,etc. to talk with me. It was rather hard, to be honest. There were days where I'd end up blubbering to him about how much I missed him over the phone and crying when it became too much. Then he had to move to a different place, which caused him to lose his jobs because it takes him two hours to get to work and school. He's currently unemployed and trying to find a new one. Things haven't improved since summer.

 

Recently, communicating has been really hard with us both going to school and doing our own things. We'd probably talk twice a week at most over skype with occasional phone calls and texts. He isn't a big texter so I'm lucky if I get maybe three or four responses from him. Our phone calls and skype chats have been short sometimes too or he'll be watching a movie/show on his computer and can't skype with me. It's hard not to feel put off when it's been days since we last spoke. I feel like he's passing me up for a show.

 

With our distance, it's hard for me to get a hold of him if I'm upset. I don't really hold that against him as I recognize that I have a tendency to call when he's asleep. But, I'll text him or leave him a voicemail telling him that I'm upset or something that night and he never responds or says anything about it until we're chatting on the phone or on Skype. The most recent incident was when I found that my grandfather died from cancer. I was really upset that night because I had learned he had went into remission two weeks before so I called my best friend, who stayed on the phone and comforted me for three hours, and sent my boyfriend a text telling him about my grandfather. He only asked me if I was okay when I called him in the morning, and I could barely tell him that I was as okay as I could be at the moment before we had to hang up because he was at his friend's dorm. The call literally lasted under a minute.

 

I brought all this up to him before, and he apologized, telling me that he wants to fix things. But, it still feels like I'm doing a lot of the work. I'm constantly texting him, telling him that I love him or that I miss him. And, I'll call him during the day just to say hi. But, the conversations don't last long then either. He'll normally be too tired or busy doing something else like watching a show to chat. There was one time I called him because I was a little apprehensive about walking to my apartment that was down the street from campus alone at night (I normally walk with someone or drive), and he basically told me he was really tired after I even mentioned it so we hung up.

 

Once I get a job, I was planning on saving part of it to help pay for his trip here since my family and best friend is very against me going to New York to see him. But, it feels like he isn't even trying anymore. He said he wanted to come, but doesn't have the money. "We'll figure it out" supposedly. Yet, he has enough money to buy a new phone and video game. Things just 'have to be this way' until he graduates college and is able to move to California to get a job.

 

My best friend hates my boyfriend because I've cried to him multiple times. He keeps telling me to break up with my boyfriend because he isn't treating me right. But, I just can't tell if I have unreasonable expectations for my boyfriend or what. With my boyfriend telling me my best friend has ulterior motives for telling me these things on one side and my best friend telling me to break up with my boyfriend on the other, I've become extremely confused.

 

I've already told my boyfriend that I'd like to take a break just so I can collect myself and have time to think because I know I've made mistakes that contributed to getting us to this point. I just feel like maybe he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore because I wanted to talk about it so we're both clear on what the break is for before we actually took one, and he didn't want to talk about it at all. He was the one that told me that a break was always an option if it felt like we needed some time apart.

 

I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like I'm just overreacting to a lot of things because this is just my second relationship. My first relationship failed miserably when my ex started ignoring me, and the guys I've met and been interested in only wanted me for physical purposes. So, I don't know what to expect out of a relationship.

Edited October 19, 2012 by kyli

[kyli]

To me it sounds like your LDR BF doesn't want to be your bf anymore. Distance does that to use, especially when we live seperate lives and schedules do not mesh. I am begin honest and I think his feelings for you are gone or are less than what they were. Your best bet is to suck it up, end things, be single for a while...have fun...and then find someone locally.

 

now on to this part

 

"My best friend hates my boyfriend because I've cried to him multiple times. He keeps telling me to break up with my boyfriend because he isn't treating me right. But, I just can't tell if I have unreasonable expectations for my boyfriend or what. With my boyfriend telling me my best friend has ulterior motives for telling me these things on one side and my best friend telling me to break up with my boyfriend on the other, I've become extremely confused."

 

Is your best friend gay? If he is gay then I would say he is truly trying to help. If he is streight, then I would say he is also truly trying to help... however, for his own reasons. He may actually like you, but be too affraid to admit it. I've been in sitautions like that where I'm deep in the friendzone and I do hoenstly give sound advice in hopes that things work out with my female friend and her bf... but at the same time hoping things come crumbeling down on their relationship and she turns to me. A vast majority of streight guys with streight female BFFs are like this. It is the friendzone. So you may want to be upfront with your best friend and ask him how he truly feels abot you. You may be surprised to find out.

 

Good luck with all of this.

 

I figured as much. Things stopped adding up after a while. Even if he does still care, the distance seems to be too much for us seeing as he has other things to worry about.

 

And, well, my best friend is straight and has admitted to loving me. That's why I've gotten a bit confused because he's doing exactly what you say. Giving me honest advice, but hoping that I turn to him in the end. Just knowing that makes it hard for me to really believe what he says fully as he has a huge vendetta against my boyfriend because he feels like I'm not being treated properly and has openly told me that he will punch him if they ever happen to meet.

[Hawaii50]

The real reason you came to this thread.....

 

[kyli]

Kyli it looks like you are in more of a sticky situation with your friend than you are with your LDR BF. If I were you, and I am not, I'd leave the bf. he should be treating you better and envesting some actual time and effort into the ldr. Now on to your friend, have you made it clear...painfully clear... that you are only interested in him as a friend and nothing more, and that your feelings will most likely never change? you should. It may hurt the guy's ego, but to be honest he is most likely hoping for fleeting chance with you. It is better to let him down now and hurt him a little bit now versus this guy waiting around years and years and years for you to come around. Now if he is truly your friend he will get upset but he will still be there for you. however, if he is your friend just because he wants to get with you...then you will find out.

 

Yeah, it's a pretty messy situation right now.

 

My bf just actually called for a minute before he hung up because he was on his way somewhere and the bus was going to be noisy. I didn't feel happy or anything remotely close to how I'd normally feel when he calls so we'll just have to see how that goes when/if he calls me later.

 

I've told my friend that I'm not interested in him when I first found out about his feelings, and he's still here so far. I've been reinforcing it, but it's gotten harder to deal with my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time. He's a great friend, but I'm still a little apprehensive about his actions since I've never had pleasant experiences with guys who were interested in me.