I feel lost

[totty101]

I've been going quite the funk lately. Been in a rough relationship that has really brought me down. Currently trying to get out of it so I can gain focus on myself again and get me back to my old self. The relationship consisted of her cheating on me, I took her back, found some shady texts on her phone, I took her back, her not giving me the emotional support I need and me just spiraling downhill with anxiety, depression, loss of self worth, always questioning to myself what she was doing and coasting through each day almost like a zombie. Literally have became a complete mess. Not happy anymore, always wondering whats going on in her mind. Wondering does she want this or is she just messing with my head. She came over last night out of the blue since she knew I was having a bad day due some money issues that came up and I was also forced to switch positions at work without even being asked which is also going to put a strain on my pocket. She came just to come give me a hug, nothing more she says. We ended up having sex and the the night ended well, meaning me thinking that this might work and I felt like we were both on the same page. After she went home she texted me asking me if I was ok since my head likes to wonder. That right there got my head wondering, thinking we are now not on the same page. Over the past few weeks I have distant myself from her trying to break free of the unhealthy relationship. Right when I get to the point where I am feeling like I am going to be ok, she comes running back to me saying she wants me in her life and wants to work through this. I was ok until I got that text. Is it because I feel like I am being given false hope? Why is it so easy for her to not show any type concern about this but me a total mess? I literally feel lost and don't know what I even want. This morning I woke up at like 5:30am and started crying for about 45 minutes and don't really know why. I think it's because I just feel like I am being given false hope, like I want this and she is ok with it not happening. I feel like I have lost me as a person. I'm not sure who I am anymore and can't even understand what I'm feeling. Does anybody ever just feel so lost that they can't even understand themselves, what they want and how they are feeling about something or themselves? Feel like I have became a crazy person and like these thoughts fester in my head to become more than what they are. Just lost in my own world.

[hew]

hey totty101,

 

I think the relationship is really bringing you down. Believe me, i know how hard it is to let go of someone. Almost the most impossible thing to do. Ive had to do it before and it sucks, its awful and it drains you mentally. I think baby steps would be really helpful to you. Take things day by day, take time to yourself and really figure out what is that you want. Do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who cheats on you and comes back and walks all over you? Or do you want to find someone who loves you regardless of anything who would never hurt you. Im a firm believer in romance, and i believe its out there. I feel extremely lost right now too, for entirely different reasons but i think its one of the most uncomfortable feelings i have felt yet. I just want to be happy with myself and be confident and grateful. I want to attract positive people into my life. I feel like you would benefit from that also. Its totally up to you and your business what you do with your relationship, but i believe you'll figure things out. Don't lose your faith! Life has a lot of curveballs thats don't make sense at the time. I really do wish you all the best, because even though i don't know you, i do know however that you deserve to be happy. Everybody deserves happiness. Keep trying to get it together, it will come to you. In the mean time, just take it easy. Best wishes

[totty101]

Thank Hew.

I am trying to set up some goals that I think will help me out a lot. Being I am in a job where I feel I bust my butt every day and never get the proper raise I deserve so I am looking at going back to school. I only have a high school diploma and have made several bad choices in my life and am honestly afraid to just quit this job after 5 years with little education. I am where I am by the choices I have made. I think if I had some type of college degree I can at least look for another job where there may be a chance I can make better money and not have to worry about money so much. I really don't have any experience in anything I can use to leave this job and go somewhere and make what I am making here. My girl is helping me look into this since she actually went to college. I feel going back to school will help me not focus on her so much, help keep my mind busy and help me to feel like I am doing something with my life.

 

As for her, she came over last night and we discussed our issues and as of right now, everything looks to be good. I go to counseling and am going to suggest her to go with me every once in awhile for our own educational purposes. I'm hoping it will help us learn to communicate better. I know she really wants this to work as do I but she has some growing up to do before it will be successful.

[hew]

Go back to school! That is my biggest advice. It is never too late to go back to get an education. And if you feel that things will work out, then so be it! I think counselling for both of you will be a great idea! sounds like you have a plan for yourself which is good. Stick with it and you will be just fine!

[totty101]

Ya thanks for the advise.

I know I have to work on my anxiety for sure. I feel almost every woman I've ever really cared about has betrayed or hurt me in some way. From being cheating on to leaving me because she didn't know what she wanted to just flat out unhealthy relationships. I'm one who trusts completely until that trust is broken. Once it's broken, it hell to get it back. Now that she's broken it, it's been hard on her to regain it. I want to trust but once I do I get **** on. She has shown a lot of changes the past week which gives me hope but @ the same time, it's only been a week. I don't have many hobbies outside of motocross riding but I also don't have the money or space to really start a new hobby being I live in an apartment. If I had space & money I'd love to build things, like dog houses, bird houses, things out of wood & sale them for extra cash & I enjoy doing it. I guess I'll start with school to keep me busy.

 

I don't know what you're going through but I hope things get better. Being lost does suck & is confussing.