My boyfriend is lazy,him not finding a job is ruining our relationship

[whiterose88697]

Being married, having kids and a family of my own has always been my dream. But my boyfriend doesn't seem to respect that. I'm 25 and he is 29 and we've been dating for nearly 5 years now. I must admit he is not the active type. Throughout out relationship he's being in and out of jobs, quitting for no apparent reason, and now he is jobless. We have a family business which is running since the 90s and I have a full time job there as one of the core managers, so I don't have much financial issues. He doesn't admit it but I think he is damn jealous that I have a job, I've told him a thousand times to help in the business but he tells me he'll never work for us. Therefore right now he's moved back to his parent's house; sleeping all day. I really don't know what to do with him. I really want to get married and start my own life, he's a good guy apart from the fact he won't look for a job, I've told him a hundred times to find a job, he says he is but nothing happens. He tells me he will not propose to me until he has a job, and getting married is what i want. I sometimes believe that he is not looking for a job on purpose so that he doesn't have to marry me:( We've had a lot of good memories and I really do want him, but right now I'm really confused in just letting go or giving more time. I feel I'm wasting my time and it's not my problem he's unemployed, on the other hand, I love him and it's difficult to let go. help:(

[Nightsky]

Sounds like a real hard situation. It's really hard out there. The world sux and I myself often feel like a wage slave. If I were him I'd give it a try working at your family business and if in a few months it worked out after 5 years of dating and considering your age I would marry you and start pumping out babies.

 

It might be time to dump this guy. Not going to be easy, not really any ones fault as he is aloud to do the things he is doing.

[TigerCub]

What's your boyfriend's educational background? Does he have a degree of any kind? What line of work does he apply to?

 

You say that you think he's jealous of you - maybe he is, because maybe in his eyes it seems like you got handed a good job and job stability because of your parents. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking you, I think its awesome you have a good job and you're helping your family with their business and stuff)

 

but maybe if he cant find a job and there you are constantly on his case to get one, maybe that's what his jealousy would be about.

 

I completely agree with you, he needs to find work or at least try to find something, and it must be frustrating for you.

 

As for not wanting to work for your family, I can understand that, because it could change the dynamic of your relationship.

 

How long has he been out of work?

 

You truly are in a tough spot. Sorry I couldn't offer much help.

 

When you talk to him about the job stuff, is it a calm discussion, or does it come off as accusatory and a little judging?

Also, how often do you talk to him about the job?

[Hawaii50]

He doesn't want to work with your business/family cause he's not a good worker and his true colors will show. I will bet my left testical.

 

As for everything else.. **** THAT! I cannot and will not stand to be with a lazy person in any way. I work too hard to have some parasitic lazy partner. he's almost 30 and now lives at home and sleeps till noon. Ridiculous on all accounts.

[Balzac]

I've no problem with your dream but once children enter the equation, what's your dream plan? You working continues and childcare is hired? Perhaps this guy's dream is to be a househusband. It's interesting that you've hung in there with him for 5 years. It makes no sense to me that he's jealous of your job.

 

His problem is that he's fine living as a child, well into adulthood. His family must be supporting him willingly.

Edited October 20, 2012 by Balzac

[Ladydrib]

I must admit he is not the active type. Throughout out relationship he's being in and out of jobs, quitting for no apparent reason, and now he is jobless.

Sounds like he just may not be your type. People should not be with someone they find unattractive and who they don't believe in. This is not necessarily true in your situation, but sounds like a real possibility (that you may be trying to force yourself to like someone who you simply don't like).

 

Quitting for no apparent reason? He must have a reason of his own. What did he say were the reasons? Be careful not to invalidate his point if view. It's totally acceptable for you to disagree, but your statement "for no apparent reason" sounds as though you have not listened to what he said, and you have not evaluated it, reaching your own opinion on if the reason was acceptable to you or not.

 

He doesn't admit it but I think he is damn jealous that I have a job, I've told him a thousand times to help in the business but he tells me he'll never work for us.

 

Careful again. This sounds like you are emasculating him, not believing in him, and trying to control him. If he doesn't want to work with you, you need to respect that. There are probably many reasons he doesn't want to, and I have to say I agree that it's a bad idea.

 

Therefore right now he's moved back to his parent's house; sleeping all day. I really don't know what to do with him.

This is unfortunate. And I agree, unattractive. He might be depressed. But you say you don't know what to do with him... It's not your responsibility to fix him. I'd recommend that you stop trying to provide solutions for him and simply tell him that an adult man living with his parents is not what you are looking for in a partner. Then back off. Decide if you really want to keep up your relationship with him. If you're not sure, tell him you want space and get some space.

 

I really want to get married and start my own life, he's a good guy apart from the fact he won't look for a job, I've told him a hundred times to find a job, he says he is but nothing happens.

 

Again, emasculating and too controlling. You need to back off of him some. Also, it sounds like you are rushing. Like he's not really a good fit for you but the timing is right for you to follow your goals, so you're trying too hard to make him the one for you. This is not a good road to travel.

 

He tells me he will not propose to me until he has a job, and getting married is what i want.

This is a good thing! Don't crowd him. Let him be a man and make his own decisions. If you find his decisions are leading in a direction that's not working for you, move on and find another man.

 

I sometimes believe that he is not looking for a job on purpose so that he doesn't have to marry me:(

 

I'm sorry but for your own good I have to say this is a ridiculous thought. If he didn't want to be with you, he'd dump you. Not avoid getting a job. If you're going to stay with this man you really need to find a way to believe in him. Trust/fear seem to be big issues for you.

 

We've had a lot of good memories and I really do want him, but right now I'm really confused in just letting go or giving more time. I feel I'm wasting my time and it's not my problem he's unemployed, on the other hand, I love him and it's difficult to let go. help:(

 

You think you're wasting your time now? You think you're stuck now? Wait until you've invested 10 more years and you're tied together possibly legally, financially, and biologically. I honestly don't think the problem is that he doesn't have a job. I think you're focused on that but the real problem is much deeper. I think he's a great guy and you're ready to start a marriage so you are trying to believe he's the one for you, but deep down you know it's so close, but he's really not right for you. What could it hurt for you to break up for a while. This could give you clarity. You have much more to lose by building a life with someone you're not happy with, than losing someone you ''might" have been happy with. I say break up.

[darkmoon]

do not marry a lazy man; he might have issues as you're working - but, hell, if you see that as a good reason to jusify his bad employment track record, then you're being hypnotized into condoning a work-shy man

 

if you think you can coerce him, try it, but i bet he argues

Edited October 20, 2012 by darkmoon

[CarrieT]

I really don't know what to do with him.

 

Sounds like you should break up and move on.

 

You want a marriage with an equal and a partner and this guy is showing you that he can't step up to the plate.

 

I really want to get married and start my own life, he's a good guy apart from the fact he won't look for a job,

Do you want to be married to someone who isn't a full and complete partner in a relationship? There are reasons people can't find jobs but if he is not even looking, then there is a huge disconnect there.

 

I've told him a hundred times to find a job, he says he is but nothing happens.

That may be a huge part of the problem. You can't TELL HIM anything. He has to want it for himself. It sounds like he doesn't and doesn't value you enough to want to be the best he can be for your partnership.

[CarboniteCammy]

Do you really want to marry this guy??

 

Some men are just not husband material and never ever will be.

[AlexDP]

What's your boyfriend's educational background? Does he have a degree of any kind? What line of work does he apply to?

 

You say that you think he's jealous of you - maybe he is, because maybe in his eyes it seems like you got handed a good job and job stability because of your parents. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking you, I think its awesome you have a good job and you're helping your family with their business and stuff)

 

but maybe if he cant find a job and there you are constantly on his case to get one, maybe that's what his jealousy would be about.

 

I completely agree with you, he needs to find work or at least try to find something, and it must be frustrating for you.

 

As for not wanting to work for your family, I can understand that, because it could change the dynamic of your relationship.

 

How long has he been out of work?

 

You truly are in a tough spot. Sorry I couldn't offer much help.

 

When you talk to him about the job stuff, is it a calm discussion, or does it come off as accusatory and a little judging?

Also, how often do you talk to him about the job?

 

I think this is why he's jealous. It was easy for you to be honest. That being said, you're probably working hard right now. It's just that he feels you were off to an easy start.

[Emilia]

He tells me he will not propose to me until he has a job, and getting married is what i want. I sometimes believe that he is not looking for a job on purpose so that he doesn't have to marry me:(

 

What a great catch

[pink_sugar]

I can definitely tell you're in a tough situation. I know the economy is rough, but if he's quitting jobs for no reason and sleeping all day, that says a lot. You need to give yourself a timetable of how much longer you are willing to put up with this. You don't want to waste more time hoping he will get a job and then propose to you. It sounds like he could also be depressed sleeping all day. If he doesn't get his act together pronto, I would give him the boot.

[MuscleCarFan]

I say give his lazy ass the boot! He obviously has no aspirations and doesn't want to do anything with his life.