hew Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 I feel like a bit of a lost cause lately. I just can't seem to get it together and its really bothering me. Im a first year university student and living on my own for the first time, i did not stay on residence because i found a house. I do have roommates who are quite a bit older then me (23-24). Anyways, i just feel crappy because not living on campus really restricts me from meeting people. Aside from that, i think my real issue is with my self. I used to be so caught up in feeling fat and ugly, and never feeling good enough. Now I'm starting to realize that that isn't my issue so much. I just don't know who i am... at all. Im always at battle with myself going over all the reasons why and why not i may be a bad person. I just feel like I'm not honest with myself and i don't know what i want. I keep leading guys on and hanging out with a bunch of guys. Not sleeping with them or doing anything just hanging out, kissing the most. But i find myself telling each of them i like them when I'm with them. And thats whats bugging me, i feel like i need someone to love me and protect me to be complete and i don't want that. I just put on this act to make myself seem desirable and i don't know what I'm doing. I can't even explain myself, I'm just lonely and feel lost to say the least. Im embarrassed because i feel myself forcing things. Trying so hard for friendships or relationships to work and its just not coming to me. Its hard seeing all my friends from back home with all their new friends, because when they ask me about mine.... i don't really have anyone to speak of. Im just scared of growing up, i feel time is going by so fast yet so slow. I feel like i need to do some massive soul searching and i just don't know how. I journal, i like to go on walks, i just don't know what else to do. I know its a personal thing, talking to a counsellor will only allow me to vent, it won't bring me to any sort of conclusion because i know i have to do that within. I just want to be the best person i can be, i want to wake up and be joyful and grateful and love myself and know that i am a good person and that i am worth something, and i will find love and true friendship one day. I don't want to have to always be lying to myself about who i am. I don't know who i am... I'm 18 I'm young, and I'm extremely lost. Some days are good, other days aren't good, but everyday is a struggle because i just don't know when I'm going to be able to get myself together. I just want someone to admire me as much as i would admire them. I want to make my mom proud, and i mean really proud. I want to be proud of myself mostly. I don't even know what I'm rambling about at this point. Basicallly, some advice would be nice. Some a little wiser than myself on these topics. Link to post Share on other sites
HisGraceisSufficient Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) What would you do if you knew "who you were?" What is preventing you from joy and gratitude? What does "getting myself together" look like? It sounds like you want to be admired because you do not feel you measure up. You battle thoughts and feelings about who you are. You want to feel proud as to reject the person you believe is the reason why you are not feeling proud at this moment. And perhaps you want to make your mom proud because you believe you are a disappointment. Its about a self centered and egotistical outlook that is the foundation of the problem you are having. It comes down to you and your image of being admired, noticed, given praise and smiled upon. But, you are constantly measuring yourself against something that leaves you empty, disappointed and lacking: judgment. Change will only come from outside and from above. “The proud person always wants to do the right thing, the great thing. But because he wants to do it in his own strength, he is fighting not with man, but with God.” ― Søren Kierkegaard Edited October 22, 2012 by HisGraceisSufficient 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii50 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 hmmmmm... Sounds like you don't love YOURSELF... That's the only reason I've ever felt empty. It's void in you, simply filled with the beautiful things around us all. Friends and Family hell against all insurmountable odds, so keep well in touch! Another person will only fill that void temporarily, and not any extent of feeling "full of love." Because in the end and everywhere you go, there you are. You will never escape you. You are 99% of the time the maker and breaker of your dreams. all these pearls! I also would recommend moving on campus if that allows for more socializing and networking (four sides words for round feelings, I know.) But it will help. I isolated myself once on a new move cause the GF wasn't comfortable with me moving in with randoms. Worst decision and darkest year I've ever had. Hang in there >cat poster< Also.. I recommend some natural Hallucinogens, and a wise guide. you'll figure more **** out that way about yourself and place in this world than any other- tic for tac. Isn't that what college kids do nowadays, anyways?! oh yeah.. stay away from bath-salts and meth. Unnatural drugs are bad mmkay. Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii50 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I wanted to say.. but got side tracked with hallucinogens. You have to be happy by yourself first and foremost. Then we share that happiness. All too often it seems people do it opposite, and then get selfish or something. so yeah.. be happy by your lonesome and you will be happy with anyone.. but don't settle for just anyone of course. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I agree that you need to socialize a lot more, make new friends and move on campus. Being isolated feeds feelings of depression, anxiety and lack of self-worth. Depending on the type of counselling, you might get some good advice, I wouldn't discount it as just you talking while someone is listening. I did therapy for depression and it helped me a lot, maybe you need a mentor? Self-help books are great too. And there is such a thing as too much thinking...I think you should join some kind of interest group to help you both get your mind off what's consuming you, and to meet more people. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I wanted to say.. but got side tracked with hallucinogens. You have to be happy by yourself first and foremost. Then we share that happiness. All too often it seems people do it opposite, and then get selfish or something. so yeah.. be happy by your lonesome and you will be happy with anyone.. but don't settle for just anyone of course. That's very important and lots of people assume that finding someone to love them will fill the void, and it never does if the void was there to begin with. I had lots of trouble finding myself over the years. But I've finally got to a point where I'm enjoying my life, alone or with others. I can go to bed happy and proud of who I am. I used to be the type who needed a boyfriend to feel fulfilled, but it's all about self-love. The way to love yourself is to treat yourself well, keep your health and fitness optimal, always learn something new every day, enjoy your work/hobbies, never stop being curious and hopeful and always be grateful for every day you have. To the O.P....you are so young at 18 years old, it's natural to feel confused. You want to please everyone, but the first and most important person you need to please is yourself. Make yourself proud by learning to love who you are, what you're doing and what makes you proud to be you. And also, laugh. Enjoy life, it doesn't have to be all that serious either. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) I feel like a bit of a lost cause lately. I just can't seem to get it together and its really bothering me. Im a first year university student and living on my own for the first time, i did not stay on residence because i found a house. I do have roommates who are quite a bit older then me (23-24). Anyways, i just feel crappy because not living on campus really restricts me from meeting people. Aside from that, i think my real issue is with my self. I used to be so caught up in feeling fat and ugly, and never feeling good enough. Now I'm starting to realize that that isn't my issue so much. I just don't know who i am... at all. Im always at battle with myself going over all the reasons why and why not i may be a bad person. I just feel like I'm not honest with myself and i don't know what i want. I keep leading guys on and hanging out with a bunch of guys. Not sleeping with them or doing anything just hanging out, kissing the most. But i find myself telling each of them i like them when I'm with them. And thats whats bugging me, i feel like i need someone to love me and protect me to be complete and i don't want that. I just put on this act to make myself seem desirable and i don't know what I'm doing. I can't even explain myself, I'm just lonely and feel lost to say the least. Im embarrassed because i feel myself forcing things. Trying so hard for friendships or relationships to work and its just not coming to me. Its hard seeing all my friends from back home with all their new friends, because when they ask me about mine.... i don't really have anyone to speak of. Im just scared of growing up, i feel time is going by so fast yet so slow. I feel like i need to do some massive soul searching and i just don't know how. I journal, i like to go on walks, i just don't know what else to do. I know its a personal thing, talking to a counsellor will only allow me to vent, it won't bring me to any sort of conclusion because i know i have to do that within. I just want to be the best person i can be, i want to wake up and be joyful and grateful and love myself and know that i am a good person and that i am worth something, and i will find love and true friendship one day. I don't want to have to always be lying to myself about who i am. I don't know who i am... I'm 18 I'm young, and I'm extremely lost. Some days are good, other days aren't good, but everyday is a struggle because i just don't know when I'm going to be able to get myself together. I just want someone to admire me as much as i would admire them. I want to make my mom proud, and i mean really proud. I want to be proud of myself mostly. I don't even know what I'm rambling about at this point. Basicallly, some advice would be nice. Some a little wiser than myself on these topics. I am not wiser than you but i know how you feel ....at eighteen though i had a handle on a lot of my past and i had integrity up until that point after 18 was when i slid, i call it back sliding, circumstances changed my life i allowed those circumstances to change me.I am more confused now than when i was younger because i am trying to get back to teh place i held my self with integrity....... you deconstruct and analyse yourself...i do that too.....i dont need some body to complete me though...i actually need some of who i am taken away....and then i feel i would be able to contribute to a relationship more...its a work in progress...its hard for me to admit i need anyone.....even my family........when i have asked people to stay because i care.......they leave anyway....and i dont beg......so i am self sufficient have been since i was little....i would get myself places walk to a cinema along a highway fro a good hour to watch a midday matinee and i would take my younger sister with me.......i was a latch key kid......i have always been taught to look after myself.....i have always found the place to live......been both hunter and gatherer...its tiring......you need to take away the analysing and the deconstructing and its hard its a form of over achieving.......wanting to perfect every emotion every physical attribute every conquest every thing you do needs to be boxed and filed for later analysing to perfect again....sound tiring....you are making yourself tired too and that is when you give up....strategy is good for battles seeing every perspective then trying to see the enemies perspective at the same time.....i am trying now to stop what i do .....by journaling by walking at night.....praying a load trusting god will help me so i dotn have to be strategic......i have friends( i am selective ) i have family doesnt make a difference nor would me being in a relationship....a relationship wont make a difference except i for the fact i know i can be in one now....thats a plus.....so i boxed that up for now......damage has been done to me and i have done damage to myself that is the first step in me trying to deal with this.....i recognise my damages you have something you arent saying in your long post i know this not because i am wiser than you or read the manual on pysche...but because i have similar feelings....there is only one being who knows what you need to do and the relationship you need to complete yourself.....and its god... he holds all the answers no human can know or hold your answers or mine .......no shrink,no psyche with a wall full of degrees knows or could know what you dont say...no human is wiser than you, you are the wisest when it comes to identifying what your issues are and god has the answers...... i will never have the all my answers until i get to meet him one day neither will you.....you dont have to believe in god he believes in you, through your darkest days he is rooting for you....no matter what you do or say or how short you fall eh is ever patient....ever loving...there is no relationship on earth that is more unconditional......its love...this is waht will complete you....he gave us that desire for love...as he loves us ....if you love him back your world becomes brighter even when its grey.... love him unconditionally he will look after you...he has looked after me...i could write down all that he has protected me from and all that he has given me...but it would be a book...a testimony.......one day ill write it..when i feel worthy enough to share it i guess.....but for you i say......its not wrong to want love or to feel love for others and for yourself...i love certain parts of me ...my heart for one...it feels really big sometimes......i hate other parts of me...i feel retarded a bit......not as smart as i should be ....i have wasted a lot of what i have had and had it taken from me...no more........ dont feel you are any less than anyone definitely on here.....we all go through doubt....it gives us humility...god loves that....he wants us to rely on him in times of doubt he is the ultimate blanket of comfort.....let him comfort you........you will find that someone.....i have faith in that big hearts find other big hearts....shine on..dont analyse everything let god do that he has infinite wisdom we dont.......hugs from me to you......deb Edited October 22, 2012 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
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