Materialism, where does it fit in your marriage?

[Moose]

During my first 3 years of marriage we barely got by with what we had. We were living in a one bedroom house, the job I had paid $6.00 hour, and we couldn't afford for my wife to work and pay a sitter at the same time. BUT, we were feed, clothed, and sheltered and I'm proud to say, never had to move in with my parents or the in-laws like many couples find themselves having to do to get over a rough spot. ( Besides, I will never set foot in my parents house again regardless, except to see Ma. )

 

Through the years, I finished college, got my degree and now run a successful engineering firm with my brother as partner. We have a prime piece of property, beautiful home, nice vehicles, the works. We've been dubbed, "The rich neighbors", by the majority of the kids there.

 

I'm not particularly happy with that title simply because I worked my tail end off to get where we are now, and quite frankly, I could give it all away and still be happy with just having that one bedroom house with all 7 of us living there. My wife has even told me that if we were homeless and living in a 3 walled cardboard box with a blanket for a door, as long as were still together, she would be happy as well.

 

We are all too often dragged into getting what the Jones' have by society. Whenever you watch TV all of the ads tend to brainwash people into thinking that, "You won't be happy unless you buy ________". Men are pressured by their wives a lot of times too, I think, into many purchases to satisfy the need to look and feel the way society portray them how they ought to be. New clothes, shoes, ( My wife's favorite accessory ), hair styles, I could go on and on. Men lean towards, "Well, Jim has a vette and I make more than him, I should get one too.", Or, a new BBQ Grill every year. My recent splurge was on an engine for my drag car.....( My hobby to occupy my mind during times of stress ). This is the road to disappointment in my mind. Once you do have money, enough money to get what you've always wanted.....what will ultimately make you happy? You've already got everything money can buy.....where will your happiness be when there's nothing left?

 

Being a business owner, I work on our taxes quarterly. Several years ago I noticed a trend in our lifestyle of ridiculous spending. I put a new rule into every purchase. We now have to ask ourselves, "Is this a Want, or is it a Need?" And that seemed to fix the problem. But what about others?

 

I brought up this thread because of a fellow poster, ( he knows who he is ), who has a different situation. The man is working two jobs just to give his wife and family, ( 5 kids like me ), not only the basic necessities of life, but it seems that the wife tends to be a very materialistic, compulsive spender, if I gathered right. I think that she misses the overall picture of where this man could take her if only she would have patience and allow him to get there.

 

So, where does materialism fit in your marriage? What are some ideas to help your SO understand the future goal you have for your family? Are possessions so important to you that you can't give them up?

 

Personally, If I were him, I would explain to his wife that she can't keep spending the way she does. And cut her off. I'm sure this man would like to come home and spend time with his kids after he gets off of his 1st job and not have to worry about going to a second. I think some concentration on his family would do them all good.

[Kizzyfur]

I agree with your wife. As long as I was with the one(s) I love, I'd be happy living homeless.

 

I learned the hard way that material possessions are replacable. But finding someone to love who loves you just as much in return is priceless.

[Moose]

That's nice to hear. After all, you can have all the money in the world and be wealthy. But someone who loves you as much as you love them is what truly makes a man rich!!!

[fredrolin]

My wife and I earn 3 times as much money today as we did 10 years ago.

 

10 years ago we lived paycheck to paycheck.

 

today we live paycheck to paycheck.

 

10 years ago we rented, had junk cars, and not much stuff.

 

today we own a home, have 2 new cars and a truck, pool, new furniture, take great vacations, etc.

 

I want to save in case something happened and we went broke but the wife figures "you can't take it with you".

[Karlise13]

I have to say, material wealth is SO relative.

 

 

Ten years ago, I lived in a three-story walkup apartment. It was a dump. The carpeting was nasty, the kitchen linoleum stained and filthy, the rooms tiny, the ceilings were those horrible foam 'drop in' tiles. But I was happy. It was my own place. I had friends, my own space, plenty to eat, clothes on my back.

 

Fast forward to today; I have a good education, a job making easily 5X what I used to make, a new car, I live in a 3-bedroom house in a great neighborhood and my BF and I can afford all kinds of extras.

However, we're surrounded by people who make tons more money than we do so we have to constantly remind ourselves how 'rich' we are.

 

We have our health. We have a solid relationship. We have good friends. We enjoy an active social life. We have the freedom to pursue our interests and hobbies. We have so much.

 

But it's tough sometimes when someone down the street has the in-ground swimming pool.....(our backyard isn't big enough for one)

or goes to Cancun (we can't afford it this year)

or builds that extra-huge deck behind their house

or buys all those tools my BF wishes he had

or fills their house with beautiful furnishings that would break our bank account

 

 

Yes, it's easy to compare oneself to others.

 

There will always be someone who makes more money. You can't use that to judge self-worth

[jmargel]

Money can't buy love.

 

I got through school and became an IT Director for a medium-sized county. However that only paid $25k / year. My fiancee at the time was trying to goto school, and only worked 20 hrs a week for $5.50 an hour. All her money went to her bills. I bought a house at 22 yrs old, and ended up not only paying all the bills, but for all our entertainment as well. The stress was unbearable. Alot of stuff went on credit cards as well. With her 'promising' to contribute more when she graduated. Before this I was working for the university for $4.50 an hour, just so I could get some hands-on experience in my field.

 

That never happened.

 

She bailed, left me in debt of over 35k (credit cards & a newly leased car) and married my ex-best friend. For two years I tried keeping up w/ the bills, sometimes I actually didn't even eat (couldn't afford it). My minimum payments on the CCs were like $400 a month. I broke down & declared bankrupcy. It was a new lease on life, the car & the CCs were wiped away, I could finally eat, and finally bought 'myself' something small. Something I haven't done in over two years.

 

Fast forward two more years, my job was now paying me 35k a year and things looked good. Until politics reared it's ugly head and they let me go. I was there for over five years. I had to cash out my retirement to live. Got a job 3 months later, only to find they let me go after I completed a large project of theirs. I found out they have a history of only keeping their employees for 3 months so they wouldn't have to pay insurance, etc.. for them.

 

Again I had to live on unemployment & my retirement. Got a decent job this past August and ended up becoming a couple my current fiancee last year (I knew her since 2002). Yea, I spoiled her some, and always sacraficed getting for myself. She moved in and promised to pay me so much a month to help with bills. She just graduated and got a job in our area. I took a small loan to out finally get myself my classic car ('70 buick gs) thinking I can finally reward myself for all the long hours I put in, and all the turmoil I endured. To then only find out she is only making $23k a year and her school loans take up close to half of her monthly paychecks. On top of that I found out her checking acct. is close to zero. She had credit card debt higher than I thought. So, I had to cancel me getting the car and helping her pay her CC debt. Last month she had literally $5 in her account due to these bills. So now not only am I paying all the bills in the house, I'm helping her with hers. It's upsetting to say the least. She tries to help out some but it's frustrating. She wanted to get a part-time job on top of her 35 hrs a week to pay off the rest. That and along w/ me paying for a good portion of our wedding, it's rough.

 

Everytime I think I might have a chance of getting somewhere, sh*t happens.

 

I guess I can't complain, at least I have a house to live in. It just feels like sometimes no matter what you try to do, you can't get any further in life. It's easy for one to say 'Even if we are homeless we'll stay together', but the main reason why divorce happens is due to fighting about fiances. Me & my fiancee have argued about it some already as well. When I gave her the money to pay off her CC, and sacraficed something I would really enjoy getting, I made her cut up 10 of her CCs. I gave her the choice, otherwise I wasn't going to help her out.

 

When you are poor and living from paycheck to paycheck like I am, it's rough. I don't have money to invest or put away. You just hope that the next year you'll have a job and enough money to live on. This puts alot of stress on a relationship. You can't just go out & do what you want with your spouse, you have to think of fiances first. Thing is, it's only going to get worse. College educations are going to sky-rocket in the next 10 years, while jobs will still pay the same amount. At some point in time this country is going to implode fiancially. And it's due to greed on these corporations' part.

[Mr Spock]

Now I understand a little more as to why you're cranky, jmargel. Ouch. Debt isn't fun.

 

I have a little credit card debt-not much, but enough. I'm trying to pay that down. I make enough money, I just have a hard time getting my spending habits under control (I don't NEED new shoes, but I love them, and they make me feel better)

 

Would I like nicer furniture? Sure. Do I want to pay through the nose for it when it's going to get covered in cat hair and more than likely shredded by said cat anyways? Nope. That's why they invented slip covers. Would I like to live in a newer house with nicer fixtures? Yes, I would. But I'll buy what I want when the time comes. It's all relative. As long as it's clean. Do I want to be with someone who judges people on what they have? No. I make excellent wages, but I don't have a lot of money to spare for luxuries like leather furniture. Or matching towels.

[Mr Spock]

PS-Did she REALLY have TEN credit cards? To me, that's excessive.....the damage I could do with those..... (insert homer simpson drooling sounds here)

[jmargel]

Yea, I get cranky when I think about it. Otherwise I'm pretty content. As for buying things to make you feel better.. That shouldn't be the case. That only gives you a momentary happiness, until the newness of the bought object wears off. I wonder if that is a sign of depression, someone who buys things to try to make themselves happy? Not saying you are, but it's just a thought.. My fiancee says the same thing, she loves shopping.. It makes her happy.. ugh.. lol

 

And yea.. She had 10.. Hechts, Victoria Secrets, Capital One, Gap, and a bunch of other clothing stores. I had her cut them all up but the Capital one. I told her it could be used anywhere, but should only be used for emergencies. And to not purchase anything unless she can pay it off that month. She then mentioned to me how much lighter her wallet felt. She first got them because she like the way they looked Didn't take long for her to start using them.

[Karlise13]

Credit card debt is insidious.

 

When I started making more money, I felt 'entitled' to more stuff (I actually justified 'needing' an expensive wardrobe for work) and started charging a lot of stuff.

 

BOY IS IT ADDICTIVE!

 

I ended up with two VISA's, a Mastercard, a DiscoverCard, a Sears card, two gas cards, a Lerner's Dept Store card, a Victoria's Secret card and probably one or two others.

 

Before I realized it, I was 25 K in debt.

 

I am still paying it off. The best thing for me to do was join a credit consolidation program ( I did Family Budget Counseling)

 

Watch out. Some of those outfits are not legit!

 

But this one was good. They called all my creditors and negotiated lower interest rates. They set up a payment plan for me. They closed all my accounts.

 

I just kept one VISA for emergencies and I picked the one with lowest interest rate.

[ShareHer]

Where does materialism fit in our marriage? It fits in there rather nicely thank you! My wife and I will die with an empty savings account. We'll put our kids in a position to succeed but we're not leaving them a bunch of money. 4 years ago, we got this crazy urge to buy a boat so we went out and bought a 28 foot cabin cruiser. We had to keep it at a marina so that wasn't fun. We pushed our credit to the limit 3 years ago and bought an old waterfront home for $225k as an investment and a place to keep our boat. We lived in it, did some cosmetics to it and 3 years later sold it for $460k. So, a net gain of over $200k right? Of course not! We got rid of the boat and immediately went out and bought a beautiful 5 bedroom colonial in a great neighborhood and in the best school district in the state for a mear $625k! Way over our budget but we didn't care. We wanted to live in a really nice home that we're proud of. There may come a time when we have to downsize because of financial reasons but at least we can say we did some of the things we wanted to do when we had a chance.

 

I'm not a believer in scrimping and saving every penny for when you retire. No way. We want to have fun with our money while we're (somewhat) young. We're probably going to die of an STD in a couple of years anyway!

[Moose]

WOW!!! Well, you definitley have a lot more invested than we do!!! Hope it works out for ya.

[HokeyReligions]

Every time I think I might have a chance of getting somewhere, sh*t happens. Now THAT statement wins an AMEN from this old agnostic! LOL!

 

Materialism? Yeah. My husband and I were homeless. Well, we lived in a 1973 VW Bug for a while. We sold everything we owned first. How did we get in that situation? Lost jobs, bad economy, IRS back payment, student loans, still dealing with credit card debt from before we married (two VISA cards, two MasterCards, etc.) We farmed the kids out and lived in a car. Eventually, I was able to find temporary work and he got a security job. Then I also got a night security job at the apartment complex where he worked. We did 24/hr. security in exchange for rent. I also washed clothes for people in the apartment washateria and did temp work. Eventually, we pulled out of that and have since bought our own home on a quarter acre lot just outside of Houston.

 

I’ve been ‘collecting’ ever since then. I don’t want to be without again. I saved and saved and saved, even though my husband has not been able to hold a steady job for more than a few months at a time and has not worked in nearly ten years now. I had managed to save around $250k for our kids college and our retirement. It is all gone now. Medical bills, funeral costs, lost a lot in the stock market, more job loss and unemployment, my mother moved in with us, etc.

 

If I don’t work for a couple of weeks, we will fall behind. Our car is paid for, but it has over 150,000 miles on it and the maintenance costs are rising. I put $12,000 down on it when we bought it to keep the monthly payments low. I don’t have the money to put down on anything now.

 

Anyway, I don’t want to lose my home. I don’t want to be homeless again. At the same time, I no longer even care. I pretty much buy what I want, when I want and I don’t bother to save any money. I save a little, but then something big comes along---car repairs mostly. Some home repairs. Vet bills. It wipes out whatever I’ve saved. I cashed out my stocks and retirement funds a long time ago. We don’t have life insurance either so if I die they are screwed. But I like to have stuff so I buy what I want. I’m not talking big items; I mean that if I want a new purse, I’ll buy one. If I want new bathroom rugs – I’ll buy them. I have no children to leave money to. I don’t want to get so old that all I spend my money on is nursing care or prescriptions. I’ve been buying scrapbook stuff. I’d like to get into scrapbooking. I can take those with me and look at the pictures of the stuff I used to own!

 

I’m trying to save for larger items (like a new car) and I know that I could get there faster if I didn’t buy the new purse or bathroom rugs (those are the only things I can think of that I bought recently and didn’t have to), but that’s what I mean about not caring. I try to plan ahead, but it doesn’t seem to matter.

 

I don’t want to lose my house, not because my house is so important to me, but because I’m not physically able to move myself out from it. If I lose my house I will just take what I can and walk away from it. I don’t care.

 

I am a pack-rat out of habit. It used to be that I was a pack-rat because of how hard I worked for things, what I scrimped and saved for, what I sacrificed to get ‘stuff’. I held on to things long after they should have been discarded. Now, its habit. My husband was always the opposite. He would buy a bottle of aspirin on Monday, take a couple, and throw the bottle out when his headache was gone. If he had another headache on Thursday, he would just buy another bottle. He threw out good things because he didn’t feel like “messing” with it. Just today as I was cleaning the bedroom, I found a small clock radio (probably all of $7 at WalMart) under his side of the bed. We bought a new one not too long ago, with larger numbers that we could see at night without putting on our glasses. I had forgotten about the little clock.

 

I walked out of the room and asked my husband if the clock was any good. He looked at it and said “No, it doesn’t work right”. I know that tone of voice.

 

I said, “It doesn’t work right in that you just don’t want to mess with it or it doesn’t work right in that the clock does not function?”

 

He paused and said “I don’t want to mess with it” as he walked away. I put it in the garage sale box. He just didn’t want to expend the energy to tell me that it worked and think of where it should go in the house. He would rather throw it away. He does that a lot and he’s thrown out a lot of things because the trash can was closer and easier than actually putting something away.

 

We used to fight about that. We would sometimes buy the same thing 3 or 4 or more times, because he would lose it in the house because he never remembers where he leaves things. It’s easier for him to buy it new than to put something away and go get it again. He has 4 or 5 cordless and corded drills in different parts of the house! He also has a bench-grinder, brand new, in the box, never opened, out in the barn. I bought it for him for Christmas in 1995! He was thrilled to get it, it was something he wanted. He has a circular sander (palm sander) that is three years old, unopened, out in the garage somewhere.

 

He doesn’t work. I do. It’s my sweat and my going to work when I’m sick, that pays for all this stuff. If he doesn’t care why should I? It used to bother me that he treated stuff like this. Wanting things he never uses, throwing away things he does use and then constantly replacing them. Now, I don’t care either. If I want something, I’ll buy it. Unless I end up with Alzheimers or some other memory-destroying disease, I’ll have memories of “stuff” along with family to keep me company as I die. If I lose my memories of these things (I’ve lost a few memories to a stroke already!) well then, so what? I just won’t remember. No loss.

[Fayebelle]

We live tog. and have a joint account so I'm responding anyway.

 

 

I LOVE to shop- new stuff does make me and my BF happy-but lately things have been extremely tight for us- so we have learned to find other ways to get our shopping rush. Flea markets and yard sales are now quality time for us where we find bargain stuff we need or want.

 

We are both struggling to pay off past debt from our young and dumb spending. Luckily we both had our credit card phase in our early 20's where the debt stung enough to teach us a lesson but we only owe about $3000 between us b/c we were too young for big credit lines.

 

It's hard to see our friends going out a lot, taking trips tog, and buying new big items; but to me it's worth it to tighten our belts now while my BF is finishing college because we can do all of that when we can really afford it and the debt won't be there if anything happens to one of our jobs in the meantime.

 

Plus- I think living on a budget forces better quality time tog. Most of our friends go to crowded bars- we stay home and have drinks in our quiet apt where we can really hear each other. They go out to eat- we grocery shop, plan and make meals tog. They go to malls and blow tons of $ in seperate stores b/c they can't find everything in 1 place- we spend an entire day driving around to yard sales and flea markets to see who can get the most good stuff on our $20 each allowance. They watch movies that last 2hours- we play Monopoly games that can go all night

 

And in doing all this- we have time and quiet to talk an hear each other.

 

Then you see all your friends' relationship disasters and think that living on a budget may be what made us as strong and happy as we are.

[Thinkalot]

My fiance and I have joint accounts. We both hate debt, and save hard and stick to a budget we've drawn up together.

 

We focus our spending on experiences rather than material goods. I love to travel, and now so does he. So we skimp on having fancy stuff, and spend our money on travelling and experiencing things.

 

I like to shop, but only if I can afford to, and I'd rather not buy new clothes, and head overseas instead.

My fiance says he loves my attitude to money and life, because it matches well with him, and it's easy for us to set joint goals and save lots.

 

I find it hard not to judge overly materialistic people, I must admit. People who brag about their new sportscar or whatever. I know it's their choice...it just seems a bit empty to me.

[jnel921]

I know what its like to have nothing but the clothes on my back. This was after our apt burned with everything we had in it when I was 15. I was lucky that was my family made it out alive. Had I decided to go take the shower I was going to I would not be here today. I decided from that moment to put more value in life.

 

I admit material things are wonderful. When you can afford it! I guess my husband and myself are not in a financial position where we can afford alot. but when we do save we we do spend it on things that are great to us and we really can really appreciate.

 

We both have a retirement plan, I save monthly for my childrens educations and our own savings. But I do want to enjoy the fruits of my labor. You have to. Earlier this year when we got married we did it in Lanikai Beach in Oahu, Hawaii. Now we are doing Disneyworld. We are talking about Europe next year.

 

Trust me...its hard for the both of us. I stopped asking myself if certain things were important and necessary. I've had to make some compromises though. Sometimes you just have to say screw it...You cant take it all with you when you die.

[kspade29]

I was searching the internet for some advice/suggestions when I stumbled across this site. Where does materialism fit in my marriage? I guess in me. I have a good job and make a very good salary. My wife is a teacher, we are what my friend calls "DINK"; dual income-no kids.

Things should be good, but they aren't. My wife values love and relationsips over money and investing. I am the other way around, not completely, but enough to cause a rift. What has really driven us apart is that she decided to stop working while I was sent overseas on business. It wasn't a big deal, we could afford it, plus she completed her masters degree. What really made me start resenting her was when I returned she didn't go back to work. I work 50+ hours a week, weekends, holidays, pretty much anytime work needs to be done so it drove me crazy that she wasn't working. Why should we deprive ourselves of over 1/3 of our possible income just because she didn't want to work?

I am not a person who has to have the best of everything, new everything or a ton of everything. We both drive new modest cars, we live in a modest house, we have alot of luxuries but nothing excessive (no $5000 tv's). We are thinking of selling our jetski and buying a boat and that's about all we have. So can anyone tell me why it made me so upset she didn't work (she is about to start teaching again)? Of course when I told her it upset me, she took that as me resenting her, so now we are spiraling down to a possible divorce.

I don't expect anyone to respond with some brilliant insight that may save this, mostly I just wanted to get it all off my chest. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this, the rest of our families see us as the "rich family" we loan them money (which they don't repay) and my friends just don't understand. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you do, and if you want to respond feel free.

[Fayebelle]

This sounds more like a lack of communication and planning more than mere $ probs. Did you and your wife discuss her being a stay home wife and mother before you were married? You said you did not have a prob w/her staying home before but then you changed your mind- did you discuss this or simply get angry one day and tell her she had to get a job? If you had planned tog for 2 incomes and she simply backed out than I understand why you were frustrated but it is a problem that should be resolved together not just by one of you deciding "this is how it's gonna be".

 

This is a personal ? so you have no obligation to answer but- Why don't you have kids? I'm just wondering if it's a choice or if it is out of both your hands b/c your wife values love and love and relationships, is a teacher (which points towards a fondness for kids), and seems to have been setting herself up to be a stay home mom. Perhaps that move was her way of saying she didn't want to be a "DINK" anymore.

 

Have the 2 of you ever sat down and discussed how you want your family to work (and not in a career/$ sense)? You need a common plan to work towards specific goals tog. and if one of you has already mentioned the word divorce it may be a bit late to handle such a talk on your own. It may be beneficial to see a councelor or clergy member- someone who can mediate and help you communicate to each other to resolve some of these general outlook differences.

 

I wish you and your wife the best and hope something like $ for an upgrade from jetski to a boat doesn't cause the downfall of a marriage to the one you love.

[jmargel]

Hokey, don't you see you are slowing turning into your husband, and not caring? For him to be that lazy, I would think he'd have to work at that. He doesn't value what you did to achieve the things you did. With that comes a lack of respect. You two have some serious issues.

 

Kspade, it's ok to feel some resentment for WHAT she did, but not to resent her as a person. Those are two different things, and she has taken it to the latter. If she did this without talking to you first, and if there was no good reason why, then that is a lack of respect for you. I would suggest marriage counseling, since you two are now looking at divorce. Sounds like you have communication problems.

 

From reading all these different posts and threads I would guess 95% of the problems on here are related to communication issues. Not a lack of love or desire not to be with the other person. The thing is, both spouses need to improve on the communication issue, just not the one posting on here.

[whispering_willoww]

Boy I wish someone from here would go and talk to my boyfriend about this. He has become so materialistic right now it's not funny. he just moved away 2 months ago, wanted me to move there too. well he decided to take over the lease on the porsche of the guy he works for and lives with right now. i don't mean any harm, everyone is entitled to nice things but a porsche!!! right now we are young i'm 25 he is 27 and we don't need this right now. i previously had a bad problem with shopping but after getting in over my head in credit card debt i learned a lesson. now that he has gotten the porsche and i'm upset about it, he has 'cold feet' and i think it all boils down to materialistic ideals that he has since he has been living with this man. he has a very nice house and he drove the porsche his wife drives a benz and they have everything money can buy and they are still miserable. he says he is so happy driving this porsche and everyone is being so hard on him about it. why can't they just be happy for him etc. i am so upset but i told him i didn't want the porsche to ruin our relationship. all i knwo is it has put me in a bind cause i was going to move down there and my current boss knows now and has hired my replacement and i am trying to find a job down there and it would be easier if i actually lived there now. it hurts that material things are more important than me. i know finances are the #1 problem in relationships but this is ridiculous. i wish someone would slap some sense into him and make him see that all of this luxury will come in due time.