about to get married and just found out GF cheated on me - don't know what to do

[confusedbigbig]

Ok, so I don't know what to do. Guess I could really use some advice... here goes.

 

I've been with my GF for three years now. We're supposed to be getting married in a couple of weeks. She's pregnant with my baby (I know that it's mine 100%). But I just found out that 2 years ago, she cheated on me. We were fighting one night, and she took off to visit my best friend at the time, who lived in the same building as us. She never came home that night, and said she fell asleep on the couch. I wanted to believe her, so I left it at that.

 

Later, I found out there was more to the story from a friend of hers, who just said I should ask her about it. So I did, and she told me that she got high and he tried to kiss her, but she said no. I was pissed that she hadn't told me, and I talked to him about it and told him he was a worthless jerk if he'd try to do that to his supposed best friend. Guess he was probably laughing inside the whole time.

 

Since then, I've asked her about it a few times, and she'd always say nothing happened and that she never cheated on me, and how could I not believe her? Well, yesterday I cornered her and just wouldn't let off. She tried to lie to me some more, and I told her that before we got married I wanted to know the truth already.

 

She confessed. Turns out she screwed him that night. She swears it only happened that once, and she doesn't know why she did it. She says it didn't mean anything and it was so long ago and that she's changed since then. The only reason she didn't tell me, according to her, is that she loves me and didn't want me to leave (and I would have left then and there if I'd known). And I want to believe her. I really do.

 

But she's been lying to me for 2 years. She's made a total fool of me. I feel like such an idiot. And now I'm trapped. I love her, and the baby (even though I never wanted kids). I know I shouldn't have waited this long to get the truth out of here, but I guess this was my version of pre-wedding jitters. I told her that I just don't know now, if we can get married or if we can even stay together.

 

This whole thing seems so unfair to me. I'm only 20 years old, and now I'm stuck with a woman who's cheated on me and lied, because of her being pregnant. How can I ever trust her again? How can I believe that it was only that once, and she won't do it again. We were up until 5:30AM last night fighting about this, and I just don't know what to do.

 

She thinks that because it was a long time ago and because she says she's changed since then, it shouldn't matter. Last night she cried for hours, telling me how it wasn't worth it and she'd take it back if she could and she loves me completely now. But the truth is she can't take it back, and I told her so. I was really cold to her, but I just don't know what to say to her. I can't believe she could have done this to me, or understand why. I would never have done anything likes this to her. What do I do???

 

-really confused

[unsafe]

you are way to young. Don't do it. Unless you reall for sure love her and can see yourself living the rest of your life with her.

 

If life without her as your woman or wife is unbarrable then you can get through this. Its possible your love has to be strong enough. But since you are so young you have plenty of time to find someone else who wont do that...

 

You can always still be a great father and not be married to her. You just have to didicate yourself to it. Don't be flacky and always be there for the kid no matter what. And her at times. But not as a couple.

 

But you have to look deep into yourself and see if you can spend the rest of your life with her imagine she isn't carrying your baby and you heard this and you were planning on marrying her? Don't let the baby be the reason you marry her because then you will divorce from being so unhappy and then the child will get hurt more then either of you.

 

Good luck do some major soul searching...marriage is suppose to be for life take it seriously...Don't think of it as oh I can always get a divorce no..if you marry her you need to think no matter what this will be my life even if she does it again or I do it or whatever.

[reservoirdog1]

DO NOT marry her just because of the baby. There is a much greater, more critical decision for you to make here.

 

You have every right to feel foolish and deceived, because you were. It's crappy enough that it happened at all. It's worse still that it was your best friend. But it's even worse that it was kept secret from you, while you naively continued to hang out with your best friend and have the two of them make a fool out of you. You had the right to know what sort of person she was BEFORE you got into the position of having a child with her, so that you could make decisions about your own life. She took that from you. (Also, you don't know if it happened more than once.)

 

She's already cheated once, after something as trivial as an argument. God help you if there are any more arguments in the future. She may well do it again. Or she might not. Tough to tell. But the mere fact that she's a mother won't be enough to stop her from cheating. My TBXW cheated when our daughter was 3. And it was her third affair that I know of, the first two being during the engagement and the second within weeks of the wedding.

 

You need to think long and hard about this. If it only happened once, you may be able to file it under the "stupid hurtful mistake" category. But only you can make that decision. The fact that it was compounded by deception for a few years makes it tougher. But whatever you decide, don't let it depend on the baby.

[confusedbigbig]

OK, I get the idea not to make my decision solely based on the baby. I do understand that I can be a great father without marrying her. I don't even know if marrying her is the issue, I'm not sure I can be with her at all. And I know that this shouldn't matter either, but I've got another thing to think about.

 

Ok, this girl moved with me about six months ago halfway across the country. She's pregnant and unemployed; I'm the sole breadwinner. She's completely ostracized by her family, so she has nobody else to support her. I hate to sound like I'm defending her in any way, but if I leave her over this she'll be pregnant, homeless, unemployed and broke. It would be her fault, but still...

 

Also, just to fill in some details that might be important. I knew when I had started seeing her that she used to cheat on her boyfriends. A LOT. The only thing I told her was that if she ever cheated on me, I'd toss her to the curb. And, of course, at the time she told me she wouldn't cheat on me and blah blah blah. Same stuff she's saying now, except now she's throwing "I've changed since then" into it. On one hand, I want to stick to my guns and toss her to the curb; on the other, she's been my life for three years.

 

How can I know if she's sincere about having changed? How can I know if it really only happened once, or if she really wouldn't do it again. I've been sleeping with her for two years since then happened, and now when I think back on it I feel sick. All I can picture is that jerk all over her. I just wish his gf had caught them then, then they'd both have gotten what they deserved.

 

I love her. That's a given. If I didn't, I wouldn't be this heartsick over something that happened two years ago, I guess. And she seems to really feel awful about it, but I guess that could just be an act. When are apologies not enough to make it better, and when is love just not enough anymore? Am I over-reacting?

 

Someone, help, please!

[reservoirdog1]

Man, I feel your pain. I wish I could tell you that you'd get a bolt from the blue, telling you that it's best to leave her or it's best to give her another chance. For a couple of months after my D-Day almost exactly a year ago, I would have killed for somebody to tell me, "this is what you should do, it's the path that will bring your life back into order and make the pain stop." I longed for something like that. But it never came.

 

What I did do was move out after a couple of months of attempted reconciliation that she called an end to. As far as I was concerned on my move-out day, the marriage was over. But that didn't stop us from having several discussions about trying again. Those all came to nothing, and we're divorcing. But I'm at peace with that and have little doubt that it's the best thing to do, that it's the path that will most likely bring me long term happiness. The fact that I've started seeing another woman and it's going very well has helped immeasurably, but that's a little ways down the road for you.

 

This is still all very new for you -- you only just found out. You don't have to make your final, irrevocable decision today, or tomorrow. Tell her you need to move out temporarily, to think. Let yourself get past the initial shock, then deal with the other stages of grief that follow it. It may take a month or two, but after that time you'll be thinking much more rationally.

 

It's true, people can change. And maybe she will too. But maybe she won't. And I wish I could tell you which, but I can't.

 

Just know that you WILL get through this. For the first two months after D-Day, I felt like my life was over. Once or twice, I thought about ending it. But I hung on. You can too.

[lifeisloveispain]

Ok, just registered. This is me now. Just to avoid any confusion.

 

Reservoirdog1 (Mr. Black?), thanks for your advice so far. I guess deep down I know that this is something I'll probably just have to figure out on my own, but it's nice to have advice to lean on. It's a crutch, I know, and I way of trying to avoid a decision, but I kinda need a crutch right now, so I'm not going to begrudge myself. Just wanted to say I appreciate your help, and a lot of what you say makes sense to me. I'm sure more people will say the same things, and some will say different things, but you've given me a place to start...

 

lifeisloveispain nee confusedbigbig

[lifeisloveispain]

Ok, so this is what happens when you're up all night dwelling. On the plus side, I think I've found the answer to my problem. On the minus side, I think I've found the answer to my problem. Does this sound fishy to anyone else, or am I just suffering a sleep-deprived dementia?

 

When I confronted her about this whole thing, I asked her if she "at least made him use a condom." She said yes. Something's been bothering me, and I think I just figured it out. The guy she cheated with didn't use condoms with his girlfriend - she was on the pill. Usually, if you don't use them, you don't have them, right? Why would you? It would look really strange/suspicious to your significant other. Am I right?

 

If I am, it looks like she's still perfectly willing to lie to me all day long. Some people never learn, I guess... If I'm right, I guess that I know what I need to do, even though it sucks. Somebody back me up on this one, please, cause my brain is just a little fuzzy right now.

 

-feeling crappy

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I feel very sorry for you. Please look at the facts. She has a history of cheating on her boyfriends. She gets into an argument with you and goes and gets high and screws your best friend. What kind of person would deliberately go and screw your best friend? She continued to lie to you about this and now it seems obvious she was not using a condom. It simply does not make sense. She continues to lie to protect herself. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

You are so young. Please do not screw up your life. Why would you marry a liar and a cheater. If you do then you are in for a lot of pain. Look how easy it was for her to constantly lie to your face. This is for the rest of your life. Look at the past because it is likely this will be your future. I wish you luck.

[Artifact]

My first thought was "Oh, it was one night a long time ago. She obviously loves you now."

 

My seconds thought was "Yikes! The story gets worse and worse!"

 

I feel for you. This has got to be a very difficult decision. I have to agree with the others though, you are very young and marriage should last a very long time. If you have any trust issues now, you will carry them with you forever. Don't begin a marriage with any doubt, or any hate, or any disgust. Your wife should be the one you ALWAYS confide in, and someone whom you trust to do the same for you.

 

Still, be a good father

 

Good luck to you! Keep us up to date.

 

artifact

[lifeisloveispain]

Okay, so here's the update...

 

She swears up and down that she had a condom in her purse, and used it. I don't remember her ever having a condom in her purse, but it was a long time ago. I really want to believe her. But, as I asked her, why the hell did she have a condom in her purse unless she planned on using it??? Her reply - she didn't know what else to do with it, so she put it in her purse. I just don't know. Like I said, I'd like to believe her, but how can I anymore?

 

As far as things go, I desperately want to go with the "it was one night a long time ago, she obviously loves you now" theory. She was crying for hours yesterday, telling me how much she loves me, how she was just cruel and selfish at the time, and she's changed, and she's lived the past two years feeling guilty and living only for me.

 

She still swears it only happened that once in our whole relationship, and again I want to believe her, but just don't know how I can trust anything she says anymore. On the flip side, I think I'm beginning to understand why she never told me, and never planned to. I kinda wish I still didn't know. The telling hasn't made anyone feel any better. Since I suspected, I guess I already was somewhat hurt (if I hadn't already suspected and she never told me, I think I would have been happier being none the wiser), but this is worse than the suspicion. At least I had self-delusion going for me before.

 

There is doubt, and hate, and disgust. Maybe in time they'll go away - I don't know. Is there anyone out there who has been cheated on who can tell me if eventually the hurt goes away, or does it just fester forever? Right now I can't imagine ever being able to forgive her or get over this, but maybe that's because everything is still so raw.

 

If she is telling me the whole truth, and it only happened once, I might never forgive myself for throwing her away like so much garbage. If it turns out later on that I find she was lying, I might hate that I kept her around. It's like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't, you know?

 

It's odd, but for hours at a time I can be alright, and even kind of normal around her, and then some little thing sets me off and I get all angry and hurt again. Sometimes, there's really no reason at all. I want to forgive her, but I don't know if I can. I want to get past this, but I'm not sure if I ever will.

 

There's a lot on my plate right now, a lot to think about, and I really appreciate all the good advice and support I've been finding here. It's nice to have someplace to turn. Thank you all so much for your continuing support.

 

lifeisloveispain

[morrigan]

You are still having problems with her infidelity. Until you are ready to accept and believe that she has been honest and will not cheat on you again, you should not continue the relationship. Your pain, disgust and resentment won't fade away, it will come out every time she lies about something, disappears with friends, or gets in an argument with you. It won't matter if she only cheated once or dozens of times, until you can forgive and believe that she won't do it again, the relationship won't work. Sorry to say, but in your shoes I would not trust her again and would end things.

 

If you decide to break up with her and move out of the residence, pay ahead 1-2 months rent on the premises if possible. She can apply to the local WIC agency or Social Services for assistance, she can also start applying for jobs. Save up financially for what the baby needs--furniture, clothing, and other supplies. Go to a lawyer and discuss your situation and the setting up of child support payments/visitation rights.

 

You should be a good father to your child, but you should not expect to be this woman's crutch, either emotionally or financially.

[Artifact]

If you are still considering marriage, at least push the wedding waaaay back. Move out, give it time. If you find you two can work through it as adults, good! But please just don't rush it.

[Grinning Maniac]

20??? You're 20? Jesus...we're almost the same age. I'm 19. Hope I don't end up in your shoes in the next few years.

 

You should NOT be getting married, let alone knocking a woman up when you're that young. PERIOD. What are you? Stupid? You have pretty much just handed this woman the rest of your life, and from the looks of things, you didn't even hand it to a GOOD woman. Tell us, why do you want to get married to this girl when you have your whole life ahead of you? I can almost guarentee that if she's the same age as you, she doesn't know for sure what she wants out of life. What if that doesn't turn out to be you, mate? Do you WANT to get raped in a divorce case? What are you doing? Are you just marrying her because you knocked her up? Abortion. Adoption. Hello?

 

Anyway, lets get to the meat of the issue, and that's the cheating. You believed her when she said that she wouldn't cheat on you, even though she'd cheated on previous boyfriends, and quite a lot at that. RED FLAG. I would've been suspicious, but hey...people can change. Unfortunately for you, she hasn't. The moment you found out she cheated on you, with your BEST FRIEND no less, you should have been out the door, and telling her to go **** herself and put the kid up for adoption. They'll hopefully find it a good home. Don't go throwing your life away out of some misguided sense of responsibility. I grew up without a father, so I know what that's like...but don't go ****ing up your life over this girl. You're way too young. You shouldn't have knocked her up, that IS your fault. But this is a very bad situation. You are setting up yourself AND this kid for a life full of chaos. Do you really want to have to explain to your kid who Mommy's various "friends" are? That would **** my head up if I was your son.

 

This woman is not going to stop cheating. I'm all for hoping people can change but, bottom line, she screwed your best friend after you and her had a fight. Wow, a fight. That certainly warrants betraying you in one of the most humiliating ways imaginable. What's stopping her from doing it again? Are you going to tip-toe around in this relationship, trying your best not to piss her off, in the hopes she won't blow your father next? What are you doing? Get out.

 

CBB, do NOT get married. Call off the wedding. Please. I am absolutely begging you not to do this. You WILL regret it.

[mørkt selvmord]

i hate to sound rude.. but 'grinning maniac' is correct.. i mean.. not about having sex with her being your fault.. well it is.. but not in a bad way.. these things happen.. everyday.. you will never get over the pain and guilt and you may not everr trust her again.. my advice (and by god i hope ull listen at least a wee bit though im just a kid.. my opinion is valid)

 

leave her.. as everyone else has said.. what is going to stop her from doing it again? how do you know 100% that this baby is yours? maybe she cheated on you with someone else and isnt telling you? you should get a test to make sure.. confront her and explain to her why you are hurt.. why you feel the way that you do and tell her why you cant trust her.. and why this.. and why that.. and so forth.. tell her to put herself into your position and ask her how would she feel.. that kinda thing

 

 

question for everyone here:

 

<-- wtf is that? dont look much like a bunny o.O

[aPpLe JuIcE]

Deep down in your heart you know you've already made you decision. You're just struggling over the details and coming to terms with your decision. I'm not going to tell you what to do but that if you're still living w/her you need to move into a different room and try to spend as little time with her as possible and ask her to respect your privacy and your wishes.

 

If and when you decide you can't be with her anymore then please take the high road. You'll be glad you did later. Pay her rent for a couple months and stock her up on groceries. Then give her some numbers to local food banks, government welfare agencies, and the housing authority (H.U.D). They'll help her thru until she has the baby because her finding a job while shes preggy will be very very hard.

 

Don't turn your back on the child though. It didn't ask for it's mommy to cheat and piss it's daddy off. It didn't ask to be brought into existance. That child is your responsibility. You should do whatever it takes to ensure that baby is healthy. That's going to include taking the child's mother to doctor appointments and making sure the child's mother has proper nutrition.

 

You may only be 20 years old but you have to grow up and be a man now. You don't have the choice of simply walking away from this woman anymore. She's going to be a part of your life thru your baby, for the rest of your life. Tread carefully and think every step through before acting.

 

I wish you luck and a healthy baby. And b/t/w...when is the child due?

[mørkt selvmord]

shes correct.. even though its her baby too.. its still a part of you as well

[Grinning Maniac]

You guys are missing a crucial point. He CAN just walk away from this girl if he can get her to put the kid up for adoption. It's probably the best for all parties. She's only 19-20 years old most likely. That's way too young to be having a kid.

 

CBB, would you be open to talking to her about it? Or are you, for whatever dumb reason, intent on being ok with her having this kid and basically flushing your life down the toilet?

[Escence of Blood]

maybe you should put the kid up for adoption.. but also remember that someday.. somehow.. its gonna come back to haunt you.. like.. maybe itll want to meet you or something.. so if you do.. tell them not to tell you who they give it to

[mørkt selvmord]

try talking to her about adoption.. try to start your life over again

[lifeisloveispain]

Ok, I've got a couple comments here.

 

First and foremost, Maniac, watch yourself. You never know who you're going to royally piss off spreading around your pesudo-moral BS in regards to situation you know nothing about. I consider what you said a personal attack on me, and I don't much appreciate it. First of all, I'm not stupid. Second, I'm not marrying her because she's pregnant. Third, I just happened to be one of those lucky cases of failed conctraception, buddy. It does happen, and I never planned on her getting pregnant. Maybe it never occured to you that I don't want to have MY (yes, my) child aborted, or given up for adoption. That ever cross your mind when you were having your knee-jerk reaction? Oh, and that comment about blowing my father - you're pushing it a little bit too far there. Completely inappropriate. Clean up your act.

 

To respond to everything else that didn't totally piss me off -

 

My GF is 23. The baby is due on October 27. It's a girl, and her name is Alexandra Eve. And yes, beyond a shadow of a doubt it is mine.

 

No, I will not even consider having MY child put up for adoption - get real. I never said I didn't want or love that child at this point. Like I'm going to trust anyone other than myself to raise my baby. Just cause her mom cheated does not make the baby in some way tainted. It's my baby, and I am keeping it. To be honest, I already told the GF that if this whole thing did end with me leaving, she had to sign over her rights to the child to me, since she is completely incapable of supporting it. To summarize (and repeat myself), I AM NOT GIVING MY BABY AWAY!

 

Yes, I do still have my doubts, but I am beginning to believe that this was just one Stupid Hurtful Mistake, as someone put it earlier. I think some of this stuff may be overthinking, and searching for further wrongs where none exist. I certainly know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she's been faithful for the past year or more. Even if it was only once, it will take me a long time to get over it, but I think I can forgive it in time.

 

Apple, your insight astounds me. You are truly an asset to this whole forum (maybe you make up for the detriment of maniac's unthinking responses). I can see you put a lot of thought into your post, and you are absolutely correct - I think I have already made my decision, and now I'm just trying to come to terms with it, and understand it. The only difference is, I think the decision would surprise you. It surprises me. This is how I see it.

 

Since this happened, I've built a great life for myself. I have a wonderful job, a beatiful baby daughter on the way, and a woman who leaves me. Hard to believe that last one, but I'm actually pretty sure of it after seeing her reactions to all this over the last few days. Her apologies are heartfelt, her grief is thick enough you could cut it with a knife, and what she says (now that I'm not so angry and hearing lies everywhere) has that certain ring of the truth.

 

Oh, and Apple? Thanks for not saying I should give my child up for adoption. I will love you for that forever! At least someone understands that this is not my baby's fault, and she does not deserve to be punished for her mother's transgressions. Neither do I, and giving my baby up would surely be a punishment to me as well.

 

To the rest of you who think I should wash my hands of this, put the child up for adoption, and start over, I say only one thing. Grow up a little. Anyone who would suggest getting rid of your own flesh and blood like she's an inconvenience needs to have a serious reality check. Whatever her mother did, you need to remember that the baby has done nothing wrong, and also that you can't make choices that are going to affect an unborn child just because of their parent's mistakes. It's unfair, and cruel.

 

Contrary to popular opinion, having a kid is NOT flushing your life down the toilet, it's taking your life one step closer to heavenly. No matter what the circumstances around that are (well, excluding the obvious like rape, incest, etc).

 

Thanks again to all of you for your advice and ideas, and for listening to some moron (as I'm sure maniac will be calling me at this point) ramble on.

 

-lifeisloveispain

[lifeisloveispain]

By the way, I should have said this in my first post. For all my ragging on you, Maniac, I do appreciate that you're just trying to help. Seriously. I know you mean well, just the way you say things man, really incited my own knee-jerk response. Hope I didn't offend you. And thanks for trying to help.

 

-lifeisloveispain

[mørkt selvmord]

its great to see that you still want your baby girl =D

 

 

just try your hardest.. and dont get too jittery..

 

oh and btw.. when she pukes on ya dont say 'ew' say 'aw'

 

 

good luck.. and we all need updates

 

 

i didnt want to put this into an earlier post.. but puttint ur kid up for adoption is one of the worst things anyone can ever do.. abortion it wont live to remember.. but if u put it up for adoption.. well.. not a very smart move... care is so bad... i cant even begin to explain.. i will be leaving back to it soon enough =(

 

 

good luck!

[lifeisloveispain]

morkt (sorry, I don't know the keyboard combo for that special o)-

 

Thank you. I'm really glad to hear you say that. I agree that putting up my little girl for adoption would be awful - I will love that child no matter what. On that note, it sounds like you have some personal experience with the whole adoption thing, and are confirming my guess that it's hell on a child. Not to get personal or anything, but... everything ok with you? As U2 put it (brilliantly, I might add), "Don't let the bastards get you down."

 

Oh, and it's not the puking on me I'm worried about. It's the urinating and defecating on me that wakes me up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night!

 

-lifeisloveispain

[mørkt selvmord]

lol.. yes.. jumping up from a good dream to a screaming baby.. its nightmarish but you get used to it after a while

 

 

how u mean about me being okay?

 

 

oh.. and its norwiegin for dark.. my name is dark suicide.. and dont get all wigged out.. i wont stoop that low.. besides.. who will look after my baby rat? he only listens to me and my commands.. everyone else he hisses at *grins evily* i tried mah baby well! and actually its an 'R'.. the name thing.. not an 'o' o.O

 

 

ish.. so tired

 

and you are welcome.. no worries.. just dont yell at me again yeah? that creeped me out.. gave me flashbacks... o.O

 

wooocha!!

 

>.<

[lifeisloveispain]

Mørkt-

 

When did I yell at you??? And as for you being ok, I just meant you sounded a little down in your post. Just wanted to make sure life was treating you alright, I guess. Oh, and I get that I suck at Norwegian - my bad, I'll never try to write it again!