about to get married and just found out GF cheated on me - don't know what to do

[mørkt selvmord]

it is normal to bitch about the significant other.. my parents do it all the time only they mean what they say...

[amerikajin]

lifeisloveispain,

 

While I disagree with your decision, it's not me living your life. Who cares if I (or anyone else) doesn't like it or agree with it?

 

Based on what you've disclosed about yourself, I think you're an admirable guy. I just hope that you're not marrying someone who's going to abuse those stellar qualities you possess.

[jmargel]

Alright lifeisloveispain, some of the people here have been giving good advice and I still can see you are confused, hurt, upset, etc.. And now you married her.

 

What you need to start focusing on is the 'issues'. This is SO important. You need to take the focus off the 'topics' and put them on the issues. Believe it or not the topic is her cheating on you. You need to take the focus off of this, and start focusing on WHY she has cheated on you.

 

She said she's changed alot, but that is HER opinion. What do you expect her to say, that she hasn't? You want solid proof that she either has changed, or is willing to, correct? The ONLY, and I repeat the ONLY way she can do this and to help yourself through all of this is going to a good licensed marriage counselor. Unless you deal with the issues, the topics will keep reappearing in a different form.

 

Going through counseling she will be going through ALOT, especially with her family problems. You'll see that her treatment of you back then was probably a result from her being treated bad by her family.

 

This is a situation you can't solve yourself, also with any marriage, counseling is recommended no matter how good 'you' think things are going. Because at some point in time you will hit road bumps. Be prepared for those by getting the knowledge and the tools that a counselor can provide.

 

Her cheating has probably made you feel that alot of the things you two have done in the past are tainted. If you two love each other enough, you will get through anything. However, cheating does crack alot of the foundation of a good relationship and does test your love.

 

Think of things like weeds in your garden. If you just deal with this topic (ie. her cheating on you two years ago) and think you are past that, you still have the issues (the roots of the weed) still living in the ground. It'll just be a matter of time before that weed sprouts again. Get to the issues, dig out that root so there is NO chance of her cheating or mistreating you again. The ONLY way to do this, is by a counselor and to read some good relationship books. They'll teach you how to communicate better, how to avoid arguements, and what to do when you find yourself in one.

[GirlDown]

how can you be so sure the child is 100% yours, especially when she cheated before? just because you were in the process of moving means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. you knew she was a mega-cheater, but you were probably 100% sure she wouldn't do it to you, right? because she chaaaanged before you, right?

guess what? she didn't change. she just found someone (you) to take for another ride. someone else to saddle with her needs--now including a kid, and bills, and whatever else she requires while she sits back and relaxes and you work hard for her cheating ass.

 

i mean sure, by all rights, it is very possible it is your child...just because she cheated once (that you know of) doesn't mean she is out screwing every guy she sees.

 

it also doesn't mean that she's not.

 

i would seriously think about this one. i agree that if you live together, use separate rooms, get a paternity test as soon as possible, and if it's not yours, kick that slut to the curb.

 

i think you should anyway...someone needs to show this trick that you pay for your mistakes--especially if you lie about them

 

besides, look how long it took her to tell you the truth in the first place! who knows what happened in all that time.?she doesn't deserve your trust. and why find out 5 years and thousands of dollars later that she played you again?

 

ohhhhh, cause maybe that time she'll learn and "change".

 

please.

 

i am sorry for you, but i have no respect for this girl. and you should have more respect for yourself. if you had cheated on her, this same girl would have slapped you, called you a dog, and then screwed your best friend...again.

[jmargel]

GirlDown, you are making judgements about this girl that might not be entirely true about her.

[KissMyTiara]

JMargel - I cannot take anything you say seriously with that wood paneling in the background.

[GirlDown]

well no kidding.

 

i am going by his story, and i know no other information.

 

he wanted opinions, commonly the focus of this forum, no? and this one happens to be mine.

[lifeisloveispain]

OK, here goes.

 

Jmargel - I've done the counselor thing in the past. I've also done the psychiatrist and psychologist thing. Not a one of those things ever did me a shred of good. Why did she cheat on me back then? I don't think it had anything to do with her family. It was a new relationship, neither of us thought it would last, and at the time we treated each other like crap. Simple answer. And, no, it's my opinion that she's changed, not hers.

 

Remember, as you said, counseling is recommended for every marriage, whether it's going well or not. But seriously, ask yourself, WHO is it recommended by? Um, the marriage counselors... Thanks, but believe it or not I've handled far worse things all by myself.

 

GirlDown, let me explain this again. At the time in question when she got pregnant we were either:

 

1) at my folks house packing up some crap. I should mention she has neither a car, nor a license, and didn't go out at all during this time. Also, they live on top of a mountain in the middle of the woods, about an hour away from everyone she knows. So, unless she did some serious walking...

 

2) on the trip down South, at the hotel room we stayed at. And I'm always awake a lot longer than her - in fact, I was too hyped up to even sleep that night, so I know she didn't go anywhere.

 

or 3) just having gotten to the South, staying with my sister in her house. During that time all we did was go out looking for jobs down here (yes, together) and stay in relaxing. Note again the lack of car or opportunity.

 

Okay, get it? 100% End of freaking story. Sorry, but there's NO way that this one isn't mine.

 

Also, no, back then I wasn't really sure she wouldn't cheat on me. I didn't think she had necessarily changed, and I half expected then to find out she had cheated. And, back then, I would have kicked her to the curb for it.

Also, there's only one "A" in changed.

 

Amerikajin - thanks. I think things'll be just fine. I guess I've just realized that there are a LOT bigger things to freak about than some meaningless one-nighter from the past.

 

Finally, Ziggue. Yeah, that is unusual, and I rather suspect it would happen the more usual way for me. That's the part I don't like. And yeah, I bitch about her. She bitches about me. That's how it works. Hell, I bitch about my parents and siblings all the time - only if I stopped would they be worried I didn't love em.

 

Oh, and if she cheats on me again, I told her I'd put her in a wood chipper. Kidding, everyone! Don't freak.

 

-lifeisloveispain

[ziggue]

I forgot to mention. The guy that was my boyfriends friend is about 20, 21. Too. Can't believe he is already having his second kid.

[lifeisloveispain]

Well, I have NO intention on going for a second one. Thank you, but no. Not even sure it could happen if we wanted to. Kinda a long side-story to this one, but here goes...

 

When this girl was 18 she had a miscarriage. Totally messed up her reproductive tract. Had a doctor tell her while I was in the room with her that she would never be able to get pregnant again. Fast forward to now, and, well, you get the idea. That's why I was so adamant about aborting or giving this kid up for adoption. Like I said, probably the only chance we'll ever get, so I figure I'll make the best of it.

 

But I'm still not going for two!

[jmargel]

You seem pretty defensive, and we aren't attacking you. We don't want you to get snowballed by what she's been saying to you. What was all her reasons for her past cheating?

 

And just because you went to one counselor and it didn't work out, doesn't mean another one can't help. A bad counselor is worse than no counselor at all. And what I am trying to get at, is she would benefit from one the most. Don't base your experience on going through one, on whether or not she could use one.

 

I'm trying to be as nice & blunt as possible with my advice. You have to think of the future, not just the present and what's been done. Unless you get to the root of the problem things will resurface. You have nothing to lose by going to a good one. And certainly your new wife doesn't either.

[lifeisloveispain]

Sorry, I just truly do not see the point in going to a counselor. This simply isn't something I want to do. I really do not see it as doing any good. And for the record, I've been to three different counselor types in my life. All of them were a waste of time, and I think that no counselor is MUCH better than a bad counselor. In fact, in most cases I think no counselor is better than a good counselor. Just my opinion.

 

What I have to lose is my time (which I don't have a lot of, hence my constantly posting late at night), and my money (which I work way too hard for to throw away).

 

As for her reasons for her past cheating - I don't know. I don't really want to know. I don't care. I don't think any reason would be a good one, and I'm sure they're mostly the standard. "I was young." "I was stupid." "It seemed like a good idea at the time." You get the idea. I really don't see the point in getting into the whys. Obviously, she wanted something she wasn't getting at that time, be it physical, emotional, a thrill, whatever.

 

All she's said to me is she's sorry, and she wouldn't do it again, and hasn't since. Do I believe her? Yes, most of the time. I still have hang ups over whether or not it really only happened once, but I suspect that insecurity will pretty much be the norm for awhile.

 

And finally, didn't mean to sound defensive. Only thing that annoyed me was the stuff from GirlDown, who just didn't seem to have read before she spoke. If I say I'm 100% sure I'm the father, trust me, I mean 100%, not 99.9%. Just had a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to her post, as she seemed to be assuming the girl was still screwing everything (animal, mineral or vegetable) in a 500 mile radius.

 

But, JMargel, your more calm advice was well received, if not agreed with.

 

Just clearing that all up.

 

-lifeisloveispain

[GirlDown]

you came here crying about an evil female who admittedly cheated on you and who is having a child that is probably not even yours.

 

and just because i disgaree the child is definitely yours doesn't mean i didn't read your post...it means I DID READ IT and this is my opinion because of what you said.

 

you can never be 100% sure of anything. this is why you are wrong.

 

if you came for sympathy, you came to the right place...but you are looking for the wrong kind.

 

this girl has got you completely whipped and is making you less of a man.

 

enjoy walking around with your dick tucked between your legs.

[innocntlisy1981]

this is so sad and its really hard to say!!on one hand i dont see how it could work u will always have that horrible thought in your head eating away at you u will probably never trust her agin on tha other hand i dont thionk she should be punished for this after all it was 2 years ago and things were different bak then!although she defintly shouldnt have lied to u for so long i think once a cheat always a cheat.u are very young and i think u are way to young to get married anyway.my advice is to put tha wedding of for a while regardless of how much money is going to be wasted by doing this,this is tha rest of ur life!!put it of for ma while and c ho u go that way when u decide to get married u will have no doubts what so ever.dont go into thjis marriage with doubts it could be tha worst mistake of ur life.good luck

[Amethyst]

I have only one piece of advice: Get a paternity test.

 

I'm trying to say this in the kindest, most compassionate way possible. Please get a paternity test. I'd hate for you to raise this little girl and love her as your own flesh and blood only to find out 15 years down the road that she's someone else's. (Of course, you would *still* love her then, but get the test now and put all doubt to rest.)

 

I know you say there is 100% no doubt that she's yours, but you would've said the same thing about the chances of this woman ever cheating on you, correct? Don't blindly trust again. Find out *for certain* now. If not for yourself, then for your baby girl. If she's yours, WONDERFUL! If she isn't, at least she can be raised knowing that she isn't yours in her blood but she's still yours in your heart.

 

Besides, if there's 100% no doubt, then there's no chance the test will do anything but confirm what you say and shut the rest of us up, right?

[Guest]

I think she's probably telling the truth. People do screw up. You probably would have been better off not knowing. She didn't tell you because she knew she screwed up, couldnt take it back, but was hoping she could erase it from her mind. Probably because she screwed up and didn't want to lose you. Ask your self man, is it worth it to throw away your life what you wanted to be because of a mistake that happened in the past? You have to decide what's best for you moving forward.

[Amethyst]

Seeing as it's been over a year since this thread was made, I think it would be interesting to know how things are going. Lifeisloveispain, if you're still accessing these boards, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's interested in knowing how life is treating you.

 

I'm hoping for the best...

[melica]

It will fester forever unless you truly bury your distrust (cuz you will always have a little bit) and never let her know. You have to act as if you trust her, hell life is an act half the time, ain't it?) Take a chance, sometimes you need to get dogged twice , to really realize you are the winner.

 

I've cheated and only failed because the one I cheated on never trusted me again. If he would have, I would've succeeded.

[Amethyst]

I've cheated and only failed because the one I cheated on never trusted me again. If he would have, I would've succeeded.

 

Even though I know this thread is dead, I just had to respond to this new post.

 

Melica, your boyfriend's trust (or lack thereof) can't make you cheat or stay faithful. YOU are the only one who can do that. While there is a grain of truth in your words (lack of trust can institute a self-fulfilling prophecy), you cannot blame your boyfriend. Just because he didn't actively 'encourage' you to stay faithful is no reason for you to be *unfaithful*.

 

Blaming others gets us nowhere. It's only when we take responsibility for our own choices that we can learn from them and make better choices; and, it's only when we make better choices that we will deserve and earn the trust of others.

 

If you want someone to trust you, you must be trust-worthy.