Weekend Depression (too long, I'm sorry, don't try to read)

[Avulare]

Let me preface this by saying it's mainly the story of my past six months or so, about my FWB, and how I ended up feeling the way I do. I feel lost, but I'm not expecting any help. I just think typing out my feelings will let me better analyze and cope with them.

 

I'm 24 years old, and back in April I got hired for a temporary job in another part of the country thousands of miles away. I worked there until early August, and it was probably the best summer of my life. I loved the job (it was a science-related position), was the hardest-working and most efficient technician on the project, and became friends with most of my coworkers. My weekends were always busy... Usually I would travel to meet friends or family members in that part of the country, go on weekend trips to various wilderness areas, have barbecues with everyone at the field house, or go to the city and drink/party with my supervisor and his friends (other grad students, professors, professionals, etc).

 

My supervisor (I'll call him Brian), who was 28, and I built up a friendship while I was working there. We'd hang out with each other off the clock, and even went on a couple weekend trips together (as friends). He was finalizing his divorce after his wife had an affair and left him though, and consequently often had a bitter outlook on life and was pretty misanthropic. One of the first things he told me about himself when I arrived at the field house was that he was an a******. While I wouldn't put it like that, he could at times be rough around the edges. It's not often that I compliment people's intelligence, but the man was also a damn genius (I swear he must have an IQ of 160) and was passionate about his work, which made me passionate about his work as well.

 

He'd often take time to give me detailed academic and professional advice, information that helped me far more than any academic counselors I'd met with over the years. He just seemed to know everything about everything, and I considered him a mentor. I feel eternally grateful to him for even hiring me for this job, as I had been trying to break into this line of work but couldn't because I didn't have much official professional experience in the field. I applied for dozens of jobs unsuccessfully over a long period of time. Brian hired me despite my lack of experience because of my enthusiasm during the interview. He's someone I have a tremendous amount of respect for, a type of respect I'd never had for anyone prior to this.

 

And in return, I'd always be there for him when he wanted to rant about something that was bothering him, I'd listen to what he had to say and knock some sense into him as needed when he was having a particularly rough time (like when he broke up with a girl he was dating for the first month or so after I started working there). I wouldn't say I was quite a shoulder to cry on (we were still strictly platonic/professional at that point), but I definitely offered him emotional support because I cared about him. We could relate over many things, our love of the outdoors, our frustration with the general stupidity of many people, being some of the few atheists in an overwhelmingly religious state, etc. He told me multiple times (starting like my second week on the job) that I was the only woman in his life who didn't drive him crazy, ha.

 

I wasn't sexually attracted to Brian at all for a good amount of time when I started working there, about a month and half. It's not that he wasn't attractive, but it was because he was my boss and I didn't want to cross any boundaries that could backfire if he rejected me, so I just sort of switched off that part of my brain and prevented those feelings from even happening. Also, he didn't really seem like "relationship material" to me, and couldn't be in a relationship with me even if he wanted to (I was moving again once the job was over). About two months in though, some sudden sexual tension built up and one night we ended up sleeping with each other after hitting the bars. I gave him my v-card, and enjoyed every second of it. We ended up sleeping with each other a few times a week for the rest of the time I was down there.

 

I knew the whole time that it was just a temporary thing, and I didn't let myself get emotionally attached. Sometimes I'd sleep over at his place if I had met up with him late at night, but whenever we did it during the day, I'd just go over to his house, we'd have sex, then I'd get my stuff together and leave when we were done (he couldn't go more than one round, even though I often wanted to). After all, why would I stick around and do all that boyfriend/girlfriend stuff if we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend? But one day as I was getting dressed after we finished, he was still in his bed and looked up at me and said "You're leaving so soon". What's that supposed to mean? The way I was looking at the situation, we were just friends who were also using each other for sex. We were friends with benefits, not in a proper relationship, so I was extremely confused by that statement. I might have asked him about it, but that day I was in a particular hurry, as it was getting late and I had a six hour drive to a family member's house. I had to leave even if I had wanted to stay.

 

That was the second-to-last time we slept with each other, and I would be leaving to drive back home (2000 miles) in a few days. Several times while I was there, Brian said that he wanted to come visit me at the new university I would be transferring to in August, as that's where he did his masters and he loved the area. He said he was going to introduce me to professors and show me cool places the region had to offer. I told him I'd definitely still be DTF if he was, but if he wasn't that'd be fine too and I'd still want to hang out with him. The last time we slept with each other was the last time we saw each other (it was a weekend, so no work). Before we parted ways, we kissed and he said to me "See you in a couple months". When I left, I didn't feel sad and I didn't miss Brian. A lot of this was because he said he'd be coming to visit later on, but also because I sort of forced myself not to become emotionally attached in the first place.

 

After I drove back and transferred to my new university, Brian and I kept in touch. Just light stuff... He'd text me and ask how I was liking school, we'd have short text conversations and like/comment on each other's stuff on Facebook. We never made any sexual comments to each other or talked about our "arrangement". There was one night I had to go the ER (really bad food poisoning, I was fine once they gave me meds), and the next day he texted me asking if I was OK and stuff. Nearly two months after I my job finished, he posted on FB that he was going to be coming to my state for the weekend (but a five hour's drive to my university, it's not near any large cities with airports). It happened that I was going to be in the area he was visiting for weekend (my hometown is in the same metropolitan area as the relatives he was visiting).

 

I sent him a simple Facebook message saying that I wanted to meet up with him if he had the time. I never implied that any sexual activities would take place, just that I wanted to meet up. Facebook indicated that he viewed the message a few hours after I sent it. However, he never replied back, never sent me a text or anything. The next day, he updated his relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship", and never got in touch with me for the rest of the time he was in my area. This felt like a slap in the face to me, like he did that (when he wasn't even in the same state as his new GF) just to send a message to me. I was pissed off and hurt by this. We were friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend, so why should him having a new girlfriend mean he can't even dignify my message with a brief response? As it turns out he was only in my area for the weekend and spent all that time busy with his parents, so I wasn't mad that we didn't get to meet up. I wasn't mad that he now had a girlfriend either. I was mad that he ignored me.

 

Brian had a hard drive of mine that I accidentally left at the field house, and he needed to ship it to me (I had originally planned to get it from him when he came to my state, but he conveniently "forgot it" at his house when he left for the airport). So about five or six days after that whole Facebook ordeal, after I had thoroughly sorted through my negative emotions and replaced most of them with logical thought, I sent him the following text message "My address for the hard drive is __________. Looks like things are finally picking up for you in _________. Have fun and don't be a stranger". He always lamented about how much he hated the state in which he was doing his project, BTW.

 

He never replied to that text (and I wasn't expecting him to), but eventually, we started making light friendly contact again on FB, just liking/commenting on some of each other's stuff. This past week he had some big exams for his PhD and made a post on FB telling everyone to stop bothering him (somewhat tongue in cheek, but he was actually super busy). However, a couple days ago I found something hilarious involving a mutual FB friend that I had to share with him (he couldn't see it because the he wasn't friends with the person who posted the photograph). So I got a screenshot and sent it to him in an email saying that I realize he's super busy, but I knew he'd get a kick out of it. And sure enough, less than an hour after I sent it, he sent me an email back saying thanks for sending it to him. He also volunteered some information about how his tests were going, and that they were insanely difficult. I initially wasn't sure if I should reply back to his email because of that blurb about his tests, but in the end I decided not too because he didn't ask me anything (like how I was doing at school or something), and I didn't want to distract him further or piss him off.

 

So things have been a bit better between us lately, but he still hasn't sent me my hard drive. WTF? I gave him my address over a month ago, and as far as I know the hard drive is still at his house. I know he's busy with school and stuff, but it would seriously take like five minutes out of the day to go the post office and ship it. I'm a photographer and that hard drive has about four years’ worth of photos on it. It's also broken, so there's not anything he can do with it (I have a part here that I'm pretty sure will fix it). When would it be appropriate to bring up the hard drive issue again? Like I said, I don't want to piss him off, that's actually my number one goal because I need to use him as a professional reference.

 

Also, I can't piss him off or allow things to get awkward between us because over the summer, Brian, my other "secondary" supervisor, and I had brief conversations about me being potentially hired again onto the same project next year, but for a different job. This is because although I was excellent at the job I had this past summer, it wasn't within my precise area of expertise or experience. For next year, they were saying they wanted to expand the project to include my specific area of interest and were gauging my interest in coming back again. I, of course, am ecstatic about this prospect because there are very, very few jobs in my area of interest and don't teach that kind of stuff in school, and if they hire me again that would really give me an academic and professional advantage that would be invaluable for when I begin doing my own research and applying for grad school.

 

But now I'm wondering about the likelihood of me being hired again, because of the whole situation with Brian. He's still someone I respect and I still consider him a friend, but if he chooses to make things weird between us, I have a lot more to lose than he does. It sucks. I don't know how he feels about me. I don't know if he hates my guts or if he still considers me a friend. I don't know if he thinks I can work around him again next year and "just be friends" (I can). I don't know anything, and I can't just go and ask him what he thinks. And I can't ask him for my hard drive. I feel like any attempt I make to contact him will just piss him off.

 

Since I don't know how he feels, I was planning on having little contact (not strict NC) with him for the next few months. This will give whatever feelings he has towards me, whether positive or negative, to sort of neutralize and fade. Then in January I was going to send him an email asking if he was still considering doing the part of the project I'm interested in, and if he is that he should consider hiring me again (and give the reasons why, there are plenty). I know he values me as an employee; he's seen my dedication and knows I would be the best person he could hire for it. Over the summer we were joking around and I mentioned some hypothetical scenario in which I get killed and he would have to hire someone new to replace me, and he said in a surprisingly serious tone, "No... I could never replace you". That was before we started having sex so I don't think that had anything to do with it.

 

Oh, I just remembered I titled this thread "Weekend Depression" and still haven't got to the depression part. Basically, I'm extremely frustrated with my social situation at this school. Back at home I have plenty of friends, and I made friends quickly at my summer job, but up here it's pretty dismal. I'm 24 and I'm an undergraduate. I know I'm a bit behind schedule, I'd make some different decisions if I could go back in time, but I can't. I'm also taking mostly lower division classes this semester because my community college didn't offer substitutes for them. So I'm surrounded mostly by teenagers all day, who tend to be very immature, don't know what they want or how to get it, don't take their education seriously, and are just hard to relate to. Even though we're all undergrads, an 18-year-old and a 24-year-old just have different issues, different experiences, and different outlooks on life. I'm friendly in class and make conversation when I can, but I can't really see myself becoming friends with any of my classmates.

 

As I'm the same age as many of the grad students here, I seek them out instead. I've become friends with several of the grad students in my field so far. Not good friends yet, but past the acquaintances stage. However, it's hard to find times to meet up with them because they’re usually busy with their projects. I’ve actually helped out a couple people with their research, and that was awesome (it involved camping – yay!). I’m not really at that stage where I feel like I’m close enough with them to call them up and say “Hey, John, let’s meet up for a burrito!” Part of the problem is that I’m female and most of the people involved in science are male, so when a new girl shows up, all the dudes naturally start looking for their way into her pants. I’m not physically attracted to any of the guys I’ve made friends with so far and I don’t want to send them the wrong message by asking if they want to meet up somewhere.

 

I’ve gone to a few parties/get-togethers/bars since I moved out, but just as frequently, I find myself sitting at my house alone on weekends, like I did tonight. I hate being alone on weekends, and earlier tonight I was crying in my room about it because I felt so miserable. It makes me feel like loser. And worst of all, it makes me miss Brian. Actually I’m not sure if it’s him I miss, or just having someone I admire and respect to spend some time with on the weekends. I know I still care a lot about him, but I felt that way even before I was sexually attracted to him. The idea of him having a girlfriend didn’t used to bother me. But since I’ve grown lonelier, just the thought of him having sex with her while I’m sitting in my bedroom alone on a Saturday night makes me cry. I miss having sex, but so far I’m not attracted to any of the guys here and every single girl I’ve talked to has said it’s “slim pickings” in the guy department… My school has a mostly female student body, so even if every guy on campus had a girlfriend, there would still be tons of girls left over.

 

I’m starting to feel like I took the time Brian and I had together for granted. I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have, and I’m kicking myself for it now. Like there was one time when we were riding in his car and it ran out of gas, and we were waiting for a coworker to bring us some extra fuel. I was thinking to myself “I’d really like to give Brian head right now”, but I decided against it because there was tons of traffic going by, the coworker could have arrived with the gas at any moment, and it was hot as hell (no A/C in 100 degree heat). If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have cared about any of that. As soon as the car rolled to a stop, I would have reached over and unzipped his fly and just started sucking until he came in my mouth. I start thinking about every time I could have found a way to squeeze in more sex with him and didn’t, and I hate it. Things would have been way steamier if I only could have imagined how I feel now. But you know how the saying goes, “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”. I guess I just thought I’d become less picky after sleeping with Brian and I’d have someone new here by now, but things didn’t exactly pan out that way.

 

I don’t know what else to say now, other than that I feel crappy. It’s past midnight, so I think I’m just going to go to bed.

[Avulare]

Wow, I think I might win some kind of award for the longest post on LS.

[j'adore]

And the point you were trying to make was .......

[Avulare]

LOL, like I said right at the beginning "I just think typing out my feelings will let me better analyze and cope with them". My brain is full and clouded right now and I can't see the situation for what it really is, and getting it all out on a computer screen helps a bit. Lets me rationalize my feelings about the situation small chunks at a time.

 

Obviously no one can answer the questions I posed, no one can say how he feels about me or how to handle the whole job situation for next year.

[silicone]

It's going to take me a few days to read this :/ I've even tried to print it out, but it's still super long. I'll be back.