My girlfriend's mad at me

[deekay]

I've tried Yahoo Answers but the answers were all too generic and not helpful at all.

 

Here's the situation. I live in CA.

 

My girlfriend and I've begun dating around April and we did long distance from June to August (she was in a different continent). I visited her country and we spent time for 2 weeks before I went back on early September. We are about 8 hours apart. We won't be seeing each other until after from 3 months to 10 months (maximum).

 

Starting at June, after she moved back to her country she began studying for the GRE. She spent her whole summer studying GRE and researching about graduate schools, telling me how she wanted to get into top schools such as Stanford, Duke, UCLA, etc. for graduate school. She's very serious on education, often coming out as the top student in every course she's taken. In a way, she's a perfectionist, yet she's one of the messiest and clumsiest girl I've known, and can be quite spontaneous and loves to have fun. She's highly sensitive to her own feelings as well as others', but me, I'm a logical guy with a heart big enough to love her.

 

Now that the basics are covered, let's finally get to the unfortunate situation.

 

We chatted on the phone about 3 days ago. She mentioned how we didn't talk for a while (it's been 4~5 days since we skyped/called), so I called her. She seemed quite emotionless when she picked up, obviously because I didn't make her feel wanted and special by calling her without having her mention about our lack of communication.

 

So we chatted, even if she was at a cafe alone reading a book to release some stress. She mentioned how she took a walk alone at a regional park to release stress. I listened to her worry and be angry about how graduate schools in the USA require significant amount of mathematics and research experience, which she lacks. She complained how she feels like she wasted her whole time studying for GRE just to find out her chances are pretty much blown. I told her that she can just come to the USA and get a job temporarily, but she said a loud no, and I asked why, and she said, do I need a reason. I knew she was stressed by this, knowing how much of a perfectionist she is.

 

I remained calm and told her that she's the smartest girl I've ever known and that she'd get in. I tried to offer alternatives, such as going to a backup school and transferring, but she said according to her research it's not possible unless she has a good enough reason. I was like, uhh.. damn okay.

 

We chatted for a few minutes until I brought up how the SAT or the GRE was an easy breeze for me. And I strongly believe that this triggered a latch that released her full stress and anger, telling me to take the test myself next week and see what I get. I tried to tweak what I said by mentioning only some part was easy, but you know girls are girls. They are very emotional creatures. I just listened to her rant and all, and I tried to change the subject by asking her about the nature walk she did. She asked me , almost yelling, why would I want to know, and I said because I've been there before and would like to hear from your own experiences. (yeah, sucks to be in long distance, it'd be sooo much easier to hold her til she calms down). She then said, "I honestly don't feel like talking to you. I just want to talk when I feel better."

 

Then we hung up, I sent her a stupid txt saying, "Hope you feel better, babe <3" to which she replied, "thanks for deepening my stress level" and an hour later I said, "Yea.. sorry about that. i'll be here to talk if u need me."

 

I decided to give her 2 days of space, then no contact, which kinda worried me. So I sent her a good morning txt with a picture of the promised gift I bought for her, no reply. I waited 6 hours and sent her one more text, reminding her that i'm constantly thinking about her despite her stress.

 

Now it's been 9 hours since I sent my last text. She's a very focused girl but also emotional. I just want to know what to do from here, as I've only done long-distance relationship before, but I broke up with my ex as I didn't love her anymore.

 

Should i give her space? How much space? should I say something? when and what? Any advice, feedback, tips, are appreciated.

 

edit: I've been reading some threads and noticed some of you need to know our ages, sooo I'm 21, she's 22, we're both going to graduate schools, she first, though.

Edited October 21, 2012 by deekay

[Hawaii50]

I don't support LDRs generally, and especially in your situation seeing as I've spent more time with my toothbrush than you with your stressed-out lady friend.

 

I say cut-sling and go.. Meaning, drop your load or you're going to F****** crash.

 

She seems well-determined and in need to someone THERE, and not the additional stress of a BF 10 hours away on another continent. No matter how good/nice you are over the phone, and your sides presumes you to be a decent enough guy, it will not replace physical contact or emotional outlets.. At least at any healthy level.

 

 

Give her space and be there if she needs/wants you, but don't stress. Cellularly, we're either growing or dying. Stress inhibits growth as the body focuses on suvival- as opposed to growing. So try not to stress, and get out more.. In real life...

 

Fresh air and nature always help!

 

All in my humble opinion...

 

 

 

I've tried Yahoo Answers but the answers were all too generic and not helpful at all.

 

Here's the situation. I live in CA.

 

My girlfriend and I've begun dating around April and we did long distance from June to August (she was in a different continent). I visited her country and we spent time for 2 weeks before I went back on early September. We are about 8 hours apart. We won't be seeing each other until after from 3 months to 10 months (maximum).

 

Starting at June, after she moved back to her country she began studying for the GRE. She spent her whole summer studying GRE and researching about graduate schools, telling me how she wanted to get into top schools such as Stanford, Duke, UCLA, etc. for graduate school. She's very serious on education, often coming out as the top student in every course she's taken. In a way, she's a perfectionist, yet she's one of the messiest and clumsiest girl I've known, and can be quite spontaneous and loves to have fun. She's highly sensitive to her own feelings as well as others', but me, I'm a logical guy with a heart big enough to love her.

 

Now that the basics are covered, let's finally get to the unfortunate situation.

 

We chatted on the phone about 3 days ago. She mentioned how we didn't talk for a while (it's been 4~5 days since we skyped/called), so I called her. She seemed quite emotionless when she picked up, obviously because I didn't make her feel wanted and special by calling her without having her mention about our lack of communication.

 

So we chatted, even if she was at a cafe alone reading a book to release some stress. She mentioned how she took a walk alone at a regional park to release stress. I listened to her worry and be angry about how graduate schools in the USA require significant amount of mathematics and research experience, which she lacks. She complained how she feels like she wasted her whole time studying for GRE just to find out her chances are pretty much blown. I told her that she can just come to the USA and get a job temporarily, but she said a loud no, and I asked why, and she said, do I need a reason. I knew she was stressed by this, knowing how much of a perfectionist she is.

 

I remained calm and told her that she's the smartest girl I've ever known and that she'd get in. I tried to offer alternatives, such as going to a backup school and transferring, but she said according to her research it's not possible unless she has a good enough reason. I was like, uhh.. damn okay.

 

We chatted for a few minutes until I brought up how the SAT or the GRE was an easy breeze for me. And I strongly believe that this triggered a latch that released her full stress and anger, telling me to take the test myself next week and see what I get. I tried to tweak what I said by mentioning only some part was easy, but you know girls are girls. They are very emotional creatures. I just listened to her rant and all, and I tried to change the subject by asking her about the nature walk she did. She asked me , almost yelling, why would I want to know, and I said because I've been there before and would like to hear from your own experiences. (yeah, sucks to be in long distance, it'd be sooo much easier to hold her til she calms down). She then said, "I honestly don't feel like talking to you. I just want to talk when I feel better."

 

Then we hung up, I sent her a stupid txt saying, "Hope you feel better, babe <3" to which she replied, "thanks for deepening my stress level" and an hour later I said, "Yea.. sorry about that. i'll be here to talk if u need me."

 

I decided to give her 2 days of space, then no contact, which kinda worried me. So I sent her a good morning txt with a picture of the promised gift I bought for her, no reply. I waited 6 hours and sent her one more text, reminding her that i'm constantly thinking about her despite her stress.

 

Now it's been 9 hours since I sent my last text. She's a very focused girl but also emotional. I just want to know what to do from here, as I've only done long-distance relationship before, but I broke up with my ex as I didn't love her anymore.

 

Should i give her space? How much space? should I say something? when and what? Any advice, feedback, tips, are appreciated.

[deekay]

Yeah, makes sense that she may need someone to be there, which is why I bought her a teddy bear she can cuddle with every night. She also sleeps with her sister or her mom/dog when she feels down. I just bought another bear, but a bigger one and am planning to send it to her. I began writing letters to her every week, writing down whatever's on my mind and what I've been up to etc.

 

But here's something I forgot to mention, it may help.. I broke up with her at the beginning of July when I was stupidly drunk, then got back together when we saw each other. Sigh, I explained that I was only drunk, but she's a firm believer in "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts" and what's said is said, too late to go back. She cried constantly for 3 days after that night, then believed we actually broke up, telling her friends that she's broke up.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

edit: I'm not sure what you meant by "I say cut-sling and go.. Meaning, drop your load or you're going to F****** crash. "

 

Meaning, give her space or risk pushing her away? or Break up with her now or risk getting hurt at the end?

Edited October 21, 2012 by deekay

[Hawaii50]

Yeah, makes sense that she may need someone to be there, which is why I bought her a teddy bear she can cuddle with every night. She also sleeps with her sister or her mom/dog when she feels down. I just bought another bear, but a bigger one and am planning to send it to her. I began writing letters to her every week, writing down whatever's on my mind and what I've been up to etc.

 

But here's something I forgot to mention, it may help.. I broke up with her at the beginning of July when I was stupidly drunk, then got back together when we saw each other. Sigh, I explained that I was only drunk, but she's a firm believer in "a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts" and what's said is said, too late to go back.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

edit: I'm not sure what you meant by "I say cut-sling and go.. Meaning, drop your load or you're going to F****** crash. "

 

Meaning, give her space or risk pushing her away? or Break up with her now or risk getting hurt at the end?

 

In Vino Veritas!! Translates to something along the lines of " In wine there is truth." You lost your inhibition while drunk and having a good time, I bet. After having a few exchanges with some women, I'll further guess. And that's sort of to be expected in a LDR. With this drunken move, you've showed some of your cards, some of your less conscious thinking.

 

 

She doesn't need/want a teddy bear or anything other than a man who is there and loves her. Nothing is going to replace the safety and love she feels of his embrace. Family and animals do not fill social voids. The sex.. Teddy bears aren't good at it, and they don't pull hair- I don't think. She needs physical attention too. Except she's a female and more likely to be approached by random jack-ars' like ourselves.

 

It would be healthier to learn whatever lessons there are and move on to something more tangible... for both your sakes.

 

I dunno, dude, good luck with everything

Edited October 21, 2012 by Hawaii50

[TMichaels]

I listened to her worry and be angry about how graduate schools in the USA require significant amount of mathematics and research experience, which she lacks. She complained how she feels like she wasted her whole time studying for GRE just to find out her chances are pretty much blown.

 

What's the major she wants to pursue? Where did she get her information from? Did she take the test or not?

 

 

I told her that she can just come to the USA and get a job temporarily, but she said a loud no, and I asked why, and she said, do I need a reason. I knew she was stressed by this, knowing how much of a perfectionist she is.

What does "do I need a reason" mean? What do you mean by "I knew she was stressed by this, knowing how much a perfectionist she is?"

 

 

I tried to offer alternatives, such as going to a backup school and transferring, but she said according to her research it's not possible unless she has a good enough reason.

Again, what's this "good enough reason" business? I don't understand what you're saying nor her point.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[deekay]

Hey guys.

 

Good news.. she contacted me.

 

Bad news.. she contacted me. She said she's been thinking a lot over the past few days and needs to talk to me. So I called her and here are what we discussed.

 

I found out that she's been waiting for me contact her after I told her that I'd be there to talk if she needed me. She's sort of an insecure girl while at the same time a patient girl. She has hidden and buried feelings of neediness yet she's too afraid to show it, so she holds it, hoping that her boyfriend (me) would show that he wants her, not that he's waiting for her to talk. So she assumed that after I sent that text she thought it was over since I didn't contact her at all in 2 days, assuming I don't really care for her enough to even check up on her how she's doing. Now, when she mentioned that, I told her it was because I wanted to give her some time to herself while she feels better. Then she cried and told me it's just an excuse for me to make her feel better, not believing that what I'm saying is true, mentioning I said the same thing before and again broke her heart for not sticking to my words and not showing my genuine care for her; in other words, she thinks I'm just talking to her because she wants to, not me; she wants to also feel that I want to talk to her too. She doesn't feel WANTED by me. It's clear, and I've failed, admittedly. I always ask her, "Wanna skype soon?" and I NEVER said, "I miss you. Let's skype soon." Sigh, I blame on my ego, and I'm willing to change that. But I don't think she'd believe me..

 

She says that we are too different to understand each other. Now, if I try to say that we're not offering reasons why, she'll assume that I'm just making up lies and excuses to calm her down, so all I did was say I'm truly sorry for that. I told her that I've been "insensitive" to her feelings because I didn't feel that she cared about me anymore, either.

 

I don't know, it was just a lot of explanations on why this occurred and me saying I'm willing to give this one more chance to which she disagreed.

 

To sum it up, the reason for her break up is that she's firm in her belief that I genuinely don't want to keep her in my life; it's just that she feels I want her to keep me in her life. She doesn't want to feel like this again. Do you catch my drift?

 

I'm in an emotional mess right now and this type of rare mess occurs every 21 years in my case.

 

What should I do? I told her that I'd contact her tomorrow and she didn't reject. However, she told me to not call her "babe" anymore.. what should I do from here? There's still some hope left, but to convince her I'm not sure how.

 

edit: @TMichaels:

 

1. Economics. She gets her information from graduate schools and various Google searches. Yes, twice. She's received a very exceptional score. Now she told me she's not going to study anymore as it's not necessary to get a better score.

2. "Do I need a reason" means she's unsure, I think, of her life. She's a perfectionist, meaning she needs to figure out her plan for her life. And if she doesn't, stress.

3. I told her that an alternative path to get into a top grad school would be to apply to a lower-ranking school, stay there for a couple years, then transfer to a different school. But apparently, it's a very difficult and rare process without a legitimate reason.

Edited October 21, 2012 by deekay

[TMichaels]

1. Economics. She gets her information from graduate schools and various Google searches. Yes, twice. She's received a very exceptional score. Now she told me she's not going to study anymore as it's not necessary to get a better score.

 

Googling for that sort of information is about a fruitful as Googling a symptom for some malady on the web. The next thing you know you're convinced you have cancer when all you have is an ingrown hair.

 

She ought to be talking to the graduate admissions staff at the institutions she's interest in if she wants to know what's expected.

 

This stuff about having to have had a lot of research experience is bunk -- unless she's going for a PhD or a fellowship of some kind which I doubt she is. If she's just going for a Masters degree, there's no reason why they would expect her to have had a considerable research background and/or insist upon it.

 

The math thing is another matter. Economics requires a grasp of mathematics. However, if her GRE scores are high enough in that area and she's at least taken enough university-level math courses and passed them it shouldn't be an issue.

 

If anything, she ought to get some tutoring or take some extra math courses to bolster her strength in that area. However, as I said earlier -- it may not be necessary at all -- she should talk to people in the graduate admissions office (or the international studies office) and find out the score instead of continuing the getting her knickers in a tighter twist.

 

2. "Do I need a reason" means she's unsure, I think, of her life. She's a perfectionist, meaning she needs to figure out her plan for her life. And if she doesn't, stress.

Interesting. However, I don't think that's what she's talking about at all -- especially given your update. I think she's wondering why she's working so hard to get into a school in the U.S. when there's really no added incentive to do so -- AKA -- you.

 

So yes, in a sense you may be right; she's trying to figure out what to do with her life and right now it looks/seems as if *nothing* is going right including her relationship with you.

 

3. I told her that an alternative path to get into a top grad school would be to apply to a lower-ranking school, stay there for a couple years, then transfer to a different school. But apparently, it's a very difficult and rare process without a legitimate reason.

Again, I don't know where you/she are getting their information. People switch schools all the time. In fact, in the academic world it's considered desirable to have background/degrees from more institution, the thought being the scholar has been exposed to various schools of thought or perspectives. Ergo, it's not rare at all.

 

Having said all that, a few other observations...

 

1) You say you're a logical guy while women are emotional beings. Quite frankly, it might just be your writing style, but you come across as devoid of any emotion. I'm not surprised if your g/f has taken your behavior and treatment toward you as "he doesn't care" because that's the way it comes across to me despite the fact you say "you're an emotional wreck" right now.

 

2) Obviously, you two don't communicate very well or else she not only would have a better idea of where she stands with you but the confusion about you not getting in touch with her and her feeling abandoned wouldn't have happened. You need to work on that -- which means you also need to work on being less guarded in your feelings and how you express them if you want this relationship to work.

 

3) I don't know how many other relationships you've had, but you don't understand women very well and/or how they work through stress. Women aren't looking for someone to solve their problems -- they just want someone to listen, get it off their chest and know that someone else hears and understands.

 

The last thing she wanted to hear is how your GREs were a breeze for you. I don't care how innocent and/or supportive that comment may have been in your mind , she took as a negative -- that you were diminishing her and her concerns.

 

Mistake #2 -- She tells you the two of you are too different to understand each other. You tell her: "I've been "insensitive" to her feelings because I didn't feel that she cared about me anymore, either."

 

Geez, if I heard that, I'd definitely walk out the door and never look back.

 

The girl was trying to tell you that she's unsure of where she stands with you and instead of telling her what you told us (she's spontaneous, likes to have fun, is the smartest girl you've ever known and you love her), you practically slap her in the face with a comment that makes it seem like she's been a fool for being in relationship with you for the past six months thinking there's a future to it.

 

To sum it up, the reason for her break up is that she's firm in her belief that I genuinely don't want to keep her in my life; it's just that she feels I want her to keep me in her life. She doesn't want to feel like this again. Do you catch my drift?

Nope, I don't get what you're trying to say at all.

 

However, I *think* what she's telling you (once again) is that she gets the distinct impression that she is nothing to you -- that she is doing all the heavy lifting in your relationship (aka worrying, stressing out, working hard to qualify for acceptance in a school in the US) while you've done or said nothing more than what a casual friend would do -- and an insensitive one at that.

 

I dunno. Maybe she's right. You two *are* too different for the relationship to continue. You definitely seem to be on different wavelengths when it comes to hearing and understanding each other and unless you take steps to improve that, I'd don't have much hope.

 

I think you need to do a lot of thinking about what you truly do want out of this relationship. Are you sure you're serious about her? Because you don't come across as if you are.

 

If your heart's not in it, make a clean break now as your g/f has enough on her plate and doesn't deserve to be dragged through any more emotional upheaval -- which is essentially what she told you (if you would only listen).

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[deekay]

Thanks a lot for your reply.

 

I agree that I didn't really listen to her problems and just offered logical solutions bundled with my "brags" caused by my ego. Yes, I love her which is why I'm offering solutions. I want to fix her problems for her sake. I'd wished she'd see that. When I was at her country last August/September, whenever she told me about her problems, I held her and just listened, occasionally dropping solutions to her problems. But on the phone, it's extremely hard. I've no clue what to do except just listen to her and fix her problems. Any friend can listen to her, so why should I? I want to be able to listen to her AND offer solutions. I don't want to be her friend but a lover.

 

I forgot to mention that I told her that during the last few weeks I joined a social club to find a new mate, but I told her that despite talking to other ladies I felt extremely guilty about it and retreated back to my apartment. She instantly asked me when I did this, and I told her a couple weeks ago, and I forgot what she said.

 

Now, if I try to change my ways, she would assume that I'm doing this just because she wants me to, which will bother her even more and make her feel as if she's selfish for telling me how to behave around her. It I don't try to change my ways, then it's over. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation. If there's any other way I can reboot this relationship, please let me know.

 

I've had 3 relationships so far, including this one. Admittedly my ex's told me how I was emotionless sometimes and disliked how I couldn't establish a deeper emotional and personal connection with them. The thing is, I think I know how to, but don't have the emotional guts to do it. But I can overcome it this time.

Edited October 22, 2012 by deekay

[todreaminblue]

I've tried Yahoo Answers but the answers were all too generic and not helpful at all.

 

Here's the situation. I live in CA.

 

My girlfriend and I've begun dating around April and we did long distance from June to August (she was in a different continent). I visited her country and we spent time for 2 weeks before I went back on early September. We are about 8 hours apart. We won't be seeing each other until after from 3 months to 10 months (maximum).

 

Starting at June, after she moved back to her country she began studying for the GRE. She spent her whole summer studying GRE and researching about graduate schools, telling me how she wanted to get into top schools such as Stanford, Duke, UCLA, etc. for graduate school. She's very serious on education, often coming out as the top student in every course she's taken. In a way, she's a perfectionist, yet she's one of the messiest and clumsiest girl I've known, and can be quite spontaneous and loves to have fun. She's highly sensitive to her own feelings as well as others', but me, I'm a logical guy with a heart big enough to love her.

 

Now that the basics are covered, let's finally get to the unfortunate situation.

 

We chatted on the phone about 3 days ago. She mentioned how we didn't talk for a while (it's been 4~5 days since we skyped/called), so I called her. She seemed quite emotionless when she picked up, obviously because I didn't make her feel wanted and special by calling her without having her mention about our lack of communication.

 

So we chatted, even if she was at a cafe alone reading a book to release some stress. She mentioned how she took a walk alone at a regional park to release stress. I listened to her worry and be angry about how graduate schools in the USA require significant amount of mathematics and research experience, which she lacks. She complained how she feels like she wasted her whole time studying for GRE just to find out her chances are pretty much blown. I told her that she can just come to the USA and get a job temporarily, but she said a loud no, and I asked why, and she said, do I need a reason. I knew she was stressed by this, knowing how much of a perfectionist she is.

 

I remained calm and told her that she's the smartest girl I've ever known and that she'd get in. I tried to offer alternatives, such as going to a backup school and transferring, but she said according to her research it's not possible unless she has a good enough reason. I was like, uhh.. damn okay.

 

We chatted for a few minutes until I brought up how the SAT or the GRE was an easy breeze for me. And I strongly believe that this triggered a latch that released her full stress and anger, telling me to take the test myself next week and see what I get. I tried to tweak what I said by mentioning only some part was easy, but you know girls are girls. They are very emotional creatures. I just listened to her rant and all, and I tried to change the subject by asking her about the nature walk she did. She asked me , almost yelling, why would I want to know, and I said because I've been there before and would like to hear from your own experiences. (yeah, sucks to be in long distance, it'd be sooo much easier to hold her til she calms down). She then said, "I honestly don't feel like talking to you. I just want to talk when I feel better."

 

Then we hung up, I sent her a stupid txt saying, "Hope you feel better, babe <3" to which she replied, "thanks for deepening my stress level" and an hour later I said, "Yea.. sorry about that. i'll be here to talk if u need me."

 

I decided to give her 2 days of space, then no contact, which kinda worried me. So I sent her a good morning txt with a picture of the promised gift I bought for her, no reply. I waited 6 hours and sent her one more text, reminding her that i'm constantly thinking about her despite her stress.

 

Now it's been 9 hours since I sent my last text. She's a very focused girl but also emotional. I just want to know what to do from here, as I've only done long-distance relationship before, but I broke up with my ex as I didn't love her anymore.

 

Should i give her space? How much space? should I say something? when and what? Any advice, feedback, tips, are appreciated.

 

edit: I've been reading some threads and noticed some of you need to know our ages, sooo I'm 21, she's 22, we're both going to graduate schools, she first, though.

 

 

I have often said in a ldr i cant talk to you right now when i have felt my stress level rising or i start to feel my latch slip ....i dont like taking anger out on innocents including partners who have no need to cop my crap.......so ill say look i have to go can i call you later.....ill calm down stare at the ceiling think of my favourite place and i ring back......i am in tune with when i should speak normally and when i shouldnt sometimes i slip and i feel like a heel when i do....being emotional sucks sometimes......you sound like a caring boyfriend i am only hearing your side of the tale....you and your gf are young doesnt mean either one of you feel less committed to making it work.......talk to your gf try and mediate.....what is the relationship worth to you what and how important is that relationship and your gf to you

 

 

listen to what your heart tells you and act on that not what i say or others say on here....listen to you and what you want.....take what advice feels right and discard the rest that doesnt feel right......

 

 

studying being emotional being away from you is taking a toll on your gf.I fidn ti hard to study when i have unchecked emotions when they are not slotted and dealt with......i like to isolate everything in my life and comparmentalize what i am feeling when the boxes become disorderly i suffer....i need to maintain structure or i am messy untidy and things including emotional responses get in disarray and the chain begins to unravel.......i am aware of this....maybe your gf is too....talk to her.....listen to your heart.......find structure in your conversations.....be logical when dealing with emotions or people who are emtional.......deb

[deekay]

I'm thinking we should be friends from now on and prove to her that she's missing out. Then maybe she'll think about getting back together again, because her 25-year old sister has been dating her boyfriend for 10 years, with 2 break ups, and theirs was long-distance most of the time, too. What do you think? Her sister has the same personality -- fun-loving perfectionist. Genetics is key, I blieve.

Edited October 22, 2012 by deekay

[KraftDinner]

The impression I get is that you look down on her...

 

- for being 'emotional'

- for finding an 'easy' test hard

- for being unable to deal with stress (because she's a woman...?)

- thinking just having a teddy bear will calm her, like she's a baby (don't get me wrong, I think it's really sweet to give her that, but to think it'd solve problems of loneliness is odd)

 

Also, as a woman, I feel when men offer me 'solutions' to my problems, it's because they don't think I'm smart enough to come up with them myself. And their solutions are usually off the mark because they don't know the full situation, but it never occurs to them that I might understand my situation better because, well, I'm me! I find it insulting. Like a blow to my ego, to put it into terms you might understand.

 

Aside: I seriously don't think women are more emotional than men. Just the way it's displayed is different.

[deekay]

The impression I get is that you look down on her...

 

- for being 'emotional'

- for finding an 'easy' test hard

- for being unable to deal with stress (because she's a woman...?)

- thinking just having a teddy bear will calm her, like she's a baby (don't get me wrong, I think it's really sweet to give her that, but to think it'd solve problems of loneliness is odd)

 

Also, as a woman, I feel when men offer me 'solutions' to my problems, it's because they don't think I'm smart enough to come up with them myself. And their solutions are usually off the mark because they don't know the full situation, but it never occurs to them that I might understand my situation better because, well, I'm me! I find it insulting. Like a blow to my ego, to put it into terms you might understand.

 

Aside: I seriously don't think women are more emotional than men. Just the way it's displayed is different.

 

No reason to feel insulted as all we're trying to do is help, and we show we care when we offer our own solutions. Would you want your man to just shut his trap and listen to your problems? Or would you want him to gently offer his own insights and solutions to your problems?

 

Yeah, you do have a very good point on the teddy bear part. I think I made a mistake of sending her the photo of it after I argued a bit with her. She might have thought I used it to calm her down. But I couldn't find any ways to recover from this mess. Which is why I'm here.

[KraftDinner]

No reason to feel insulted as all we're trying to do is help, and we show we care when we offer our own solutions. Would you want your man to just shut his trap and listen to your problems? Or would you want him to gently offer his own insights and solutions to your problems?

 

Yeah, you do have a very good point on the teddy bear part. I think I made a mistake of sending her the photo of it after I argued a bit with her. She might have thought I used it to calm her down. But I couldn't find any ways to recover from this mess. Which is why I'm here.

 

I know your heart is in the right place when you offer advice like that (by you I mean men in general), so I've tried to be patient with that sort of thing. And learned to appreciate it.

 

But I'm telling you how it is received. Take that info as you will. Intention is good, I get it. Understand though that this is how it feels on the other end. I'm just telling ya to help not because I think you're being mean or intentionally patronizing.

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[TMichaels]

No reason to feel insulted as all we're trying to do is help, and we show we care when we offer our own solutions. Would you want your man to just shut his trap and listen to your problems?[ Or would you want him to gently offer his own insights and solutions to your problems?

 

Nope. You don't get it -- at all.

 

As I told you before, when your g/f confides in you she *doesn't* want you to fix anything. She wants to be heard and know that the other person understands.

 

Do yourself a favor and get a hold of the book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" -- or at least look up the above on Wikipedia to understand why what you think/believe about women and how they deal with stress and distress couldn't be more wrong.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I forgot to mention that I told her that during the last few weeks I joined a social club to find a new mate, but I told her that despite talking to other ladies I felt extremely guilty about it and retreated back to my apartment. She instantly asked me when I did this, and I told her a couple weeks ago, and I forgot what she said.

 

Say what?

 

You tell your g/f that you joined a social club to meet new women???

 

Are you serious?! How exactly did you figure *that* move and admission would make her feel more secure in your relationship?

 

<shaking head>

 

Oh, I get it....

 

You told her then explained you felt guilty about it and are now sitting home alone -- so that makes it all better in your mind and *proves* she's important to you.

 

NEWS FLASH: She could care less about the "I stopped because I felt guilty business." That's because you gutted her by telling her you were looking for other women friends and that's the only thing that counts in her mind.

 

And, shame on you that "you don't remember what she said." Do you have any feelings or empathy for other people at all?

 

Now, if I try to change my ways, she would assume that I'm doing this just because she wants me to, which will bother her even more and make her feel as if she's selfish for telling me how to behave around her.

You're correct. Why? Because she wants you to want her -- period. She doesn't want you to want her because she wants you to.

 

As I said before, I get the impression that she thinks she's doing all the heavy-lifting in the relationship because she gets absolutely indication from you that you're serious. Telling her stuff like "you've joined a social club to meet women mates" just affirms you're just not into her in her mind.

 

It I don't try to change my ways, then it's over.

You've got that right. You've already hurt her feelings. She's not going to hang around or get in any deeper when you've already as much as admitted "she's not the one" (because if *she was* you wouldn't be looking elsewhere). If you're not going to protect her heart, then she will.

 

 

Either way, it's a lose-lose situation. If there's any other way I can reboot this relationship, please let me know.

Start by being honest with her and admitting your mistakes. Tell her you thought you were being supportive and doing the right thing, but you now realize you were making things worse not better, which was not your intention at all.

 

Admit to her you s^ck at all of this -- and IF you didn't care about her it wouldn't matter. However, *you do* care about her and want her in your life but you just don't know how to go about making sure she knows that and to repair the damage you've done.

 

Then shut up and see what she says.

 

It may be too late, but maybe not. If you're lucky, she may be willing to forgive and help you learn how to get over your fear of being vulnerable.

 

I've had 3 relationships so far, including this one. Admittedly my ex's told me how I was emotionless sometimes and disliked how I couldn't establish a deeper emotional and personal connection with them. The thing is, I think I know how to, but don't have the emotional guts to do it. But I can overcome it this time.

Just remember, actions always speak louder than words. And, please get and read the book I mentioned in my other post. It will shed a lot of light on what's causing your issues.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I'm thinking we should be friends from now on and prove to her that she's missing out. Then maybe she'll think about getting back together again, because her 25-year old sister has been dating her boyfriend for 10 years, with 2 break ups, and theirs was long-distance most of the time, too. What do you think? Her sister has the same personality -- fun-loving perfectionist. Genetics is key, I blieve.

 

Huh?

 

Are women human beings or a laboratory experiment to you?

 

All I can say is that if you continue to treat your relationships like they're the latter, I hope you're going to be happy sitting home accompanied by a bunch of test tubes because that's the only thing that will ever tolerate being treated with so little respect and regard.

 

And why do you keep bringing up this "perfectionist" business? Mentioning it once in your description of her is fine. But, you've mentioned it several times. Why? You make it sound like that's some sort of "type" that you have defined which you think will act/behave in some sort of predictable way.

 

You can play the "I'm going to pull back and make me want me game" if you want, but if your g/f is half as smart as you say she is, she's not going to waste any more time on a relationship that's going no where.

 

Think about it. You've given her every reason to believe you're not into her and your next move affirms that by saying you're withdrawing even further and only want to be friends. Unless she's a masochist or has no self-esteem she's not going to stick around.

 

I don't get it...

 

Why do you think you're such a catch?

 

Or, is it you'll do anything in order not to have let your guard down -- including intentionally driving someone away so that you won't have to confront your own issues and change?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[deekay]

Yes, I told her about the social club because I wanted to prove that she's special to me. It hurt me to say it to her but I'd thought it had to be done. Sometimes the truth hurts, and I'm glad I've been honest with her about that.

 

There's nothing more to say about this, now. You've helped me a great deal -- by the time I finish reading that book it would be too late, I believe, so I'll read summaries of it. I'm very attached to her, and I can't let it end like this simply due to wrong assumptions and trivial mistakes that summed up to a mess that nobody wants to be in.

 

Basically, I have been joking around too much, not taking seriously her problems and even joys/successes. I admit, I'm not a serious guy; I try avoid serious/emotional situations when possible. When she presented her problems to me, I tried to joke and make her laugh to cheer her up, but what I got was a misunderstanding -- I've hurt her more than I soothed her. I did not know I was hurting her. I'd wished she'd tell me so I can stop, but no, she didn't! I guess she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Every night before I go to bed, I wanted to spontaneously call her and ask her about her day, even if the phone call lasted less than 30 seconds, because I would feel much better hearing her voice, and every time I wake up in the morning, I always wanted to call her and skype with her, but what stopped me? I didn't feel wanted by her. She rarely initiated Skype/phone contact. And when she did, it was like this:

 

"Deekayyy.. deekayyy deeeeeekayyyyyyy... I miss you so much deekayyy :[[[[ deedeedeedeekayykayykaykaykyyy where are uuu"

 

I would just txt her, "I miss you too, babe. :3 <3"

 

After an hour, I finished my software project with my partner and returned to my home. I booted up my computer and went on Skype. She was there. I was trying to see if she'd call me, but instead I just messaged her.

 

"Hey, babe."

 

"Hi deekay"

 

"What's up??"

 

"Do you just want to talk like this?"

 

I got message and so I called her, telling her I was just playing around. But she was hurt, and boy was I pissed at myself. She became a bit upset when she told me that I could have just stopped what I was doing to talk to her even if it were 5 seconds. She's an idealist. A romantic idealist.

 

I guess I'm right that she's somebody who is insecure and needs someone that needs and wants her. Because otherwise if she doesn't feel special and important in someone else's life, then she would assume that she's not loved and therefore get butthurt and retreat.

 

Because I called her that one summer night. I took 16 shots of Jack so I was drunk. I called her, "Babe, do you love me?" She said, "Yes." Then I smiled because she said yes, and I stupidly and mindlessly asked, "Do you want to break up?" She hesitated, sighed, hesitated, and murmured, "Yes."

 

I couldn't believe what she said. And so I tried to explain it to her the next morning, but she said a break up is a break up and a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. I still kept in touch with her, then I wanted to test the waters by calling her "buddy." She txted back but with no regards to my test. Then I asked her, do you see me as a buddy? She replied, I also thought you wanted to be friends too. Then I told her why she'd do this to me, why lead me along thinking I was still with her, and why she didn't directly tell me she sees me as a friend. Crying and sobbing, she told me, "I think we need a break. Please. No doubt I love you, but love isn't everything. I need happiness."

 

2 days later, she txted saying she misses me. So we took off from there and was normal. I got my plane tickets and flew. I had a family there too so I stayed there. For 2 weeks we spent our days from noon to midnight, exploring the cities and the culture there. For her birthday I took her out to a fancy restaurant, which she liked. I bought her a large teddy bear after walking through a wax museum. She named it after my nickname and ever since I left she cuddled with it to sleep. She claimed it helped her sleep better. I was overjoyed to hear that, but didn't show it. I remained calm.

 

Then one night, she began to cry and said, "Babe.. we broke up in the summer, remember?"

 

I said, "I never wanted to break up. I was drunk, and I didn't mean a single word."

 

"But still.. you still said it with your own words."

 

"Babe, I'm willing to get back together. You are the reason I came here. I want us to be together, again. Yes?"

 

She nodded and that was the highlight of my summer.

 

---

 

Yes, TMichaels. I know what you mean. When I returned to USA, we talked on the phone. She was scared she may be pregnant (because we had unprotected sex for 10 seconds) but I reassured her I'd be there for her. I even told her that my secret was I wish she was pregnant, so she could be mine. She got kinda mad at that, but got over it. Then she began asking me a series of hypothetical questions. "Will you be mad.. if I'm not the person you expected me to be?" "What if I got fat? What if I lost one of my limbs?" "What if I'm pregnant?" "What if I can't go to grad school in USA? What if I have to stay here and live here?"

 

Now, for a guy like me, you'd think that I failed to answer those. But from the bottom of my heart and as honestly as I can, I answered, "I'll always be there. I'll fly to your country if that ever happens. I'll wait for you even if it takes 2 years or 5 years or 100 years. I don't care if you get fat, because that doesn't change what I love about you."

 

And then after that, I began reading online stories and articles saying that Long-distances usually fail due to boredom. I thought of a solution, and it was to change my personality so I can keep up the relationship, which explains why I sounded "insensitive" to her feelings, when I really was in fact sensitive. I heard stories of how boyfriends were too nice and caring, that the girls became bored of them and sought bad boys. So I tried playing the bad boy type, and I got used to it. I'm not a nice guy, nor am I a bad boy. But I'd thought that someone near her--some hot shot--would attract her in a club (because she likes to go clubbing with her friends once or twice a month), and that explains everything.

 

What do you suggest I should do? I'm going to keep txting her good morning and call her every night before I go to sleep, because that's what I've always wanted to do in the relationship, yet didn't due to the fear of her getting bored of my txts and calls, so I played as a challenge, and it didn't work out. I'd wished she can read this somehow and truly understand me but I feel it's too late. If I told her these right now, she wouldn't believe me and assume that I spent the whole day devising a grand excuse.

 

edit: Ok we just talked on the phone. I called her an hour ago, then she called me back. I talked about my day and she talked about hers, then I told her about my little adventures with my friends on Saturday and today. I'm glad she positively responded and even laughed a little at my stories. I didn't mention about what we talked about earlier this morning, but instead kept it warm and easy-going. We talked for 10 minutes before I had to hang up to sleep, telling her I'd call her soon.

Edited October 22, 2012 by deekay

[TMichaels]

Yes, I told her about the social club because I wanted to prove that she's special to me. It hurt me to say it to her but I'd thought it had to be done. Sometimes the truth hurts, and I'm glad I've been honest with her about that.

 

Yes, honesty is always the best policy, but playing games is not.

 

Why did you go out and join a social club to meet other women? Answer that question -- honestly, right now -- because it's important.

 

 

There's nothing more to say about this, now. You've helped me a great deal -- by the time I finish reading that book it would be too late, I believe, so I'll read summaries of it. I'm very attached to her, and I can't let it end like this simply due to wrong assumptions and trivial mistakes that summed up to a mess that nobody wants to be in.

The book is less than 200 pages. You can read a copy of it online here.

 

Basically, I have been joking around too much, not taking seriously her problems and even joys/successes. I admit, I'm not a serious guy; I try avoid serious/emotional situations when possible. When she presented her problems to me, I tried to joke and make her laugh to cheer her up, but what I got was a misunderstanding -- I've hurt her more than I soothed her. I did not know I was hurting her. I'd wished she'd tell me so I can stop, but no, she didn't! I guess she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

No, hurting your feelings has nothing to do with it. She's not your mother. She's a girl who has fallen in love with you who needs to know she didn't make a mistake by giving you her heart and that you've been playing her for a fool.

 

Every night before I go to bed, I wanted to spontaneously call her and ask her about her day, even if the phone call lasted less than 30 seconds, because I would feel much better hearing her voice, and every time I wake up in the morning, I always wanted to call her and skype with her, but what stopped me? I didn't feel wanted by her. She rarely initiated Skype/phone contact. And when she did, it was like this:

 

"Deekayyy.. deekayyy deeeeeekayyyyyyy... I miss you so much deekayyy :[[[[ deedeedeedeekayykayykaykaykyyy where are uuu"

Translation: She spontaneously wanted to talk to you even if it was for 30 seconds because she would feel so much better hearing from you.

 

Sound familiar? So, why is it when she does exactly what you'd like to do to express your interest she's being aloof and demonstrating she doesn't care?

 

Let me give you a hint:

 

1) Women (and men) who don't care, don't bother. Period.

 

I would just txt her, "I miss you too, babe. :3 <3"

 

After an hour, I finished my software project with my partner and returned to my home. I booted up my computer and went on Skype. She was there. I was trying to see if she'd call me, but instead I just messaged her.

 

"Hey, babe."

 

"Hi deekay"

 

"What's up??"

 

"Do you just want to talk like this?"

 

I got message and so I called her, telling her I was just playing around. But she was hurt, and boy was I pissed at myself. She became a bit upset when she told me that I could have just stopped what I was doing to talk to her even if it were 5 seconds. She's an idealist. A romantic idealist.

And, you are a chicken-**** who's afraid to show his feelings and risk getting hurt.

 

Why is it everything has to be put in a little box and labelled? Is that the only way you can cope with life?

 

And, you're g/f was right. It would have taken you 5 seconds to tell her you were in the midst of finishing a computer project with a partner and you'd call/Skype her when you got home in an hour or so.

 

Instead, she felt like you were giving her the brush off. If so, why would she call you? If there was ever as time for you to take the initiative to show her how that you meant what you texted, it was then.

 

Instead, you decided to conduct another one of "your tests."

 

<shaking head>

 

 

I guess I'm right that she's somebody who is insecure and needs someone that needs and wants her. Because otherwise if she doesn't feel special and important in someone else's life, then she would assume that she's not loved and therefore get butthurt and retreat.

No, you're wrong. Quit painting her as the insecure one. You're equally guilty if not more, or else you'd tell her how you feel and quit playing silly games "to test her" so your own ego and heart don't get hurt.

 

Don't believe me? Read what you wrote:

 

Because I called her that one summer night. I took 16 shots of Jack so I was drunk. I called her, "Babe, do you love me?" She said, "Yes." Then I smiled because she said yes, and I stupidly and mindlessly asked, "Do you want to break up?" She hesitated, sighed, hesitated, and murmured, "Yes."

 

I couldn't believe what she said. And so I tried to explain it to her the next morning, but she said a break up is a break up and a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. I still kept in touch with her, then I wanted to test the waters by calling her "buddy." She txted back but with no regards to my test. Then I asked her, do you see me as a buddy? She replied, I also thought you wanted to be friends too. Then I told her why she'd do this to me, why lead me along thinking I was still with her, and why she didn't directly tell me she sees me as a friend. Crying and sobbing, she told me, "I think we need a break. Please. No doubt I love you, but love isn't everything. I need happiness."

She's right. When a relationship hurts more than the joy it brings into your life then it's time to seriously assess.

 

2 days later, she txted saying she misses me. So we took off from there and was normal. I got my plane tickets and flew. I had a family there too so I stayed there. For 2 weeks we spent our days from noon to midnight, exploring the cities and the culture there.

So far from what you've shared, this is the only thing you did right.

 

For her birthday I took her out to a fancy restaurant, which she liked. I bought her a large teddy bear after walking through a wax museum. She named it after my nickname and ever since I left she cuddled with it to sleep. She claimed it helped her sleep better. I was overjoyed to hear that, but didn't show it. I remained calm.

Why? What are you so afraid of?

 

Then one night, she began to cry and said, "Babe.. we broke up in the summer, remember?"

 

I said, "I never wanted to break up. I was drunk, and I didn't mean a single word."

 

"But still.. you still said it with your own words."

 

"Babe, I'm willing to get back together. You are the reason I came here. I want us to be together, again. Yes?"

 

She nodded and that was the highlight of my summer.

And, let me guess. "You remained calm" and have never breathed a word to her about how you really felt.

 

Dumb move.

 

---

 

Yes, TMichaels. I know what you mean. When I returned to USA, we talked on the phone. She was scared she may be pregnant (because we had unprotected sex for 10 seconds) but I reassured her I'd be there for her. I even told her that my secret was I wish she was pregnant, so she could be mine. She got kinda mad at that, but got over it. Then she began asking me a series of hypothetical questions. "Will you be mad.. if I'm not the person you expected me to be?" "What if I got fat? What if I lost one of my limbs?" "What if I'm pregnant?" "What if I can't go to grad school in USA? What if I have to stay here and live here?"

 

Now, for a guy like me, you'd think that I failed to answer those. But from the bottom of my heart and as honestly as I can, I answered, "I'll always be there. I'll fly to your country if that ever happens. I'll wait for you even if it takes 2 years or 5 years or 100 years. I don't care if you get fat, because that doesn't change what I love about you."

Gee. You *do* have it in you, after all. Maybe there is some hope (if only you'd get over the fact that being honest and real translates to being weak or too much of a risk).

 

And then after that, I began reading online stories and articles saying that Long-distances usually fail due to boredom. I thought of a solution, and it was to change my personality so I can keep up the relationship, which explains why I sounded "insensitive" to her feelings, when I really was in fact sensitive.

No, you weren't being "sensitive." You were running scared for no reason and trying to control a hypothetical scenario before it even surfaced and made things 10 times worse.

 

I heard stories of how boyfriends were too nice and caring, that the girls became bored of them and sought bad boys. So I tried playing the bad boy type, and I got used to it. I'm not a nice guy, nor am I a bad boy. But I'd thought that someone near her--some hot shot--would attract her in a club (because she likes to go clubbing with her friends once or twice a month), and that explains everything.

Remember when your g/f laid her litany of "what-ifs" on you and you responded by telling her none of them mattered as you'll always be there at her side (which was exactly what she wanted and needed to hear)?

 

What would have happened if you had openly shared your own list of "what-ifs" with her-- as in: "I've been reading a lot of stuff online about one of the biggest reasons LDRs fail is due to boredom. I'm worried that might happen to us and I don't want to lose you. Silly, I know. But it's the truth."

 

My guess is, by taking that tack instead of playing yet another game and being someone you're not, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in right now. It would to have lead to a conversation not only that would have tightened the bond between you but lessened the chances you'd continue to say and do stupid things because you also would have known where you stand with her and that would given you the confidence and piece of mind that's also lacking for you.

 

What do you suggest I should do? I'm going to keep txting her good morning and call her every night before I go to sleep, because that's what I've always wanted to do in the relationship, yet didn't due to the fear of her getting bored of my txts and calls, so I played as a challenge, and it didn't work out.

It's good that you recognize playing a relationship like a game of Stratego doesn't work. People have feelings -- game board pieces do not.

 

Your biggest challenge is not finding the right "game to play" but the total opposite. You need to realize it's okay to give yourself permission to be and act like the person you really are.

 

Yes, I know that's scary, and/or it might not seem "manly" to you, but you've already tried playing things the other way and you've seen how well that works.

 

I'd wished she can read this somehow and truly understand me but I feel it's too late. If I told her these right now, she wouldn't believe me and assume that I spent the whole day devising a grand excuse.

I disagree that it's too late and/or she would see this all as an elaborate manipulation or ruse. I think you're projecting your own insecurities, again.

 

You know, if you were to send her a link to this thread, you wouldn't have been the first person to do so in an effort to help a significant other understand when he/she couldn't find the words or wherewithal to express their feelings directly. You might want to give that idea some thought...

 

edit: Ok we just talked on the phone. I called her an hour ago, then she called me back. I talked about my day and she talked about hers, then I told her about my little adventures with my friends on Saturday and today. I'm glad she positively responded and even laughed a little at my stories. I didn't mention about what we talked about earlier this morning, but instead kept it warm and easy-going. We talked for 10 minutes before I had to hang up to sleep, telling her I'd call her soon.

For God's sake, make sure you do. You've got a lot of bridges that need mending right now. Man up and quit sitting on your hands waiting for this girl to make all the moves. She needs reassurance. Give it to her and you'll find your own insecurities will lessen, too.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited October 22, 2012 by TMichaels

[pettie]

Moral of the story?

 

Never test a relationship.

 

Hope you can sort this out, all the best.

[deekay]

Thanks a lot for your help TMichael.

 

I sent her an email saying apologizing for the way I behaved immaturely for the past few days and how I respect her feelings and intuition about the relationship. I mentioned how it was the best relationship I've ever had and that I've learned many things from it. I thanked her for the memories and even the arguments we had as it allowed me to learn the deeper part of her and myself. Finally I told her that she's my best friend and I'll always be there for her regardless and that I still truly love her to pieces.

 

Now I guess it's over. It took me a long time to compose that email. I hope I made the right choice. What if she actually wanted me to cling on to her to show her I still want to be boyfriend?

 

edit: Sigh, we're txting as if we're together again, I can feel the mood.. and this happens right after I send that email.

Edited October 23, 2012 by deekay

[TMichaels]

I sent her an email saying apologizing for the way I behaved immaturely for the past few days and how I respect her feelings and intuition about the relationship. I mentioned how it was the best relationship I've ever had and that I've learned many things from it. I thanked her for the memories and even the arguments we had as it allowed me to learn the deeper part of her and myself. Finally I told her that she's my best friend and I'll always be there for her regardless and that I still truly love her to pieces.

 

I'm sure she'll be surprised to hear what you had to say, especially since you said you'd call her later, and instead dropped the above bomb in her mailbox.

 

Now I guess it's over.

Why did you decide that is/was the only conclusion? Why didn't you just tell her you the above without assuming an outcome?

 

It took me a long time to compose that email. I hope I made the right choice. What if she actually wanted me to cling on to her to show her I still want to be boyfriend?

Did you read anything I wrote? Your g/f is looking for reassurance that she matters to you. Do you think she'll get that impression reading what you wrote?

 

edit: Sigh, we're txting as if we're together again, I can feel the mood.. and this happens right after I send that email.

So *what is it* you want, deekay? Make up your mind.

 

As I told you at the very beginning, if you're not that interested in this girl (which means "getting real" as opposed to playing games), then do her a big favor and just cut her loose and go on your merry, fun-loving way.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[deekay]

I'm sure she'll be surprised to hear what you had to say, especially since you said you'd call her later, and instead dropped the above bomb in her mailbox.

 

Why did you decide that is/was the only conclusion? Why didn't you just tell her you the above without assuming an outcome?

 

Did you read anything I wrote? Your g/f is looking for reassurance that she matters to you. Do you think she'll get that impression reading what you wrote?

 

So *what is it* you want, deekay? Make up your mind.

 

As I told you at the very beginning, if you're not that interested in this girl (which means "getting real" as opposed to playing games), then do her a big favor and just cut her loose and go on your merry, fun-loving way.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I still am going to keep word and call her in a couple hours. The email was necessary as it wasn't fair for one person to talk as if we're still committed while the other party is not, and it makes more sense to be on the same wavelength and return to the old wavelength together.

 

What is it that I want? I made it clear that I want her back. I'm giving her the reassurance that she's a very important part of my life, of course. I already told her I want to keep her but she does not. So I have to respect that, and we already broke up from that phone call. And to her, it's finalized. Period. All I can do is hope that she'll miss me and have a deep discussion about the next step. Which is a renewed relationship.

 

she just read my email, and txted me, "Thank you for everything"

 

I HATE myself for sending that email! Tell me there's a way to get her back, please..

 

I want to just call her and tell her how i really feel, but I'm afraid that will drive her away further from me...

 

edit - I just read some advice on the net and said the best way to win a long distance ex girlfriend back was to cut contact, by which I mean stop initiating contact with her. I feel like if I talk to her every night, the conversations will be friendly and not the way it used to be, therefore getting both of us used to the new "mood." i'll drop some txts every once in a while saying that I've been thinking about her and asking her how she's doing and occasional good morning txts.

 

edit2 - I'm going to stop contacting her until she contacts me, to which I'll reply modestly and occasionally drop some txts. Every week, I'll continue writing her letters to let her know what I've been doing and that I'm still thinking of her and looking for no one else, that I'll wait for her. I need your opinion on this.

Edited October 23, 2012 by deekay

[TMichaels]

I'm going to stop contacting her until she contacts me to which I'll reply modestly...

 

Good. You've said your piece, the ball's now in her court.

 

Given the fact you sent your email and she's already responded, I wouldn't call her now, either.

 

...and occasionally drop some txts. Every week, I'll continue writing her letters to let her know what I've been doing and that I'm still thinking of her and looking for no one else, that I'll wait for her.

If you want to be relegated to "the friend zone" then that's a good plan.

 

Unless she has reading comprehension problems, which of course she does not, you've already made it clear what it is you think, want and feel.

 

Don't confuse the issue by acting like you're interested or are willing to settle for just being a friend. You already know the problems mixed signals cause.

 

She may have a change of heart, she may not. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to wait it out.

 

In the meantime, keep yourself busy and get on with your own life regardless of how difficult that may be. IOW, if either of you are to heal and learn from your mistakes, you need to resist temptation and keep picking the scab off the wound.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[deekay]

Good. You've said your piece, the ball's now in her court.

 

Given the fact you sent your email and she's already responded, I wouldn't call her now, either.

 

If you want to be relegated to "the friend zone" then that's a good plan.

 

Unless she has reading comprehension problems, which of course she does not, you've already made it clear what it is you think, want and feel.

 

Don't confuse the issue by acting like you're interested or are willing to settle for just being a friend. You already know the problems mixed signals cause.

 

She may have a change of heart, she may not. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to wait it out.

 

In the meantime, keep yourself busy and get on with your own life regardless of how difficult that may be. IOW, if either of you are to heal and learn from your mistakes, you need to resist temptation and keep picking the scab off the wound.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

First of all, I was never friends with her before we dated.. only just as people who used to know each other for a week before we spent some time of intimacy and when she modestly asked whether we are now dating, so I said yes.., so getting back into the friendzone doesn't make sense and it wouldn't feel right being friends when we talk together or meet with each other again.

 

Secondly, weren't you the one who said reassure her to get her back? Yea, I'll still keep in touch with her but not as often as I used to be. I know I have to stay as friends with her and show her I still care and txt her all the time to show I think about her. By gaining her respect and trust I plan on asking again for another chance. I'm still not sure why you'd recommend not contacting her at all. I still want this girl. For now I'll stop contacting her for a few days. Then start the process of dropping txts/calls. I'm not trying to put your suggestion down; it's a great idea, but I just want to make sure before I make any more unforseen mistakes.

 

edit: found out she sent a txt earlier saying, "Another deekay :)" with a pic of a page of a book that mentioned my nickname which she underlined and put a smiley face. Beforehand during the breakup she told me to not call her by nicknames anymore and she stopped mentioning my nickname yet here she is, mentioning it and even sending me a picture? What do you think of this? and should I respond to that?

Edited October 23, 2012 by deekay

[deekay]

To be honest, I can't live being friends with her. I need to get us back together.