"I don't want my own dessert - I'll just share yours"

[puzzleddad]

This may seem like a pretty minor issue, but it is quite a concern for my wife and thus perhaps symbolic of something larger.

 

At times when we go to dinner, my wife will ask what I am having (such as dessert or appetizer) and say "that sounds good - I'll have some of yours." I offer for her to order her own and she tells me "no I am not hungry enough - I'll just have a few bites of yours."

 

So this happened yesterday and she was quite upset that I "don't know how to share" my food and said that a marriage is supposed to be about sharing everything in our life.

 

Sure we ought to share if there is only one left of whatever is involved.. she could have the whole thing as far as I'm concerned if that were the case. But why "share" if we're at a restaurant and can easily get what sh wants and take the extra home. (No this is not a financial issue at all.)

 

From my perspective, this is really a power issue about her getting me to do something. From her perspective, a spouse should share everything. I tend to think this isn't actually about sharing dessert but rather symbolic of other things which she is then carrying over even to mundane parts of life.

 

Thoughts?

[Hawaii50]

Sigh... That is a pet-peeve of my mine.

 

Who knows what she's thinking, she probably just wanted some coconut shrimp but didn't want to order a full plate knowing that she would eat it all. not to say anything but that, either. This way she just eats yours, lol. One of those things we both might have to both just accept.

 

 

This may seem like a pretty minor issue, but it is quite a concern for my wife and thus perhaps symbolic of something larger.

 

At times when we go to dinner, my wife will ask what I am having (such as dessert or appetizer) and say "that sounds good - I'll have some of yours." I offer for her to order her own and she tells me "no I am not hungry enough - I'll just have a few bites of yours."

 

So this happened yesterday and she was quite upset that I "don't know how to share" my food and said that a marriage is supposed to be about sharing everything in our life.

 

Sure we ought to share if there is only one left of whatever is involved.. she could have the whole thing as far as I'm concerned if that were the case. But why "share" if we're at a restaurant and can easily get what sh wants and take the extra home. (No this is not a financial issue at all.)

 

From my perspective, this is really a power issue about her getting me to do something. From her perspective, a spouse should share everything. I tend to think this isn't actually about sharing dessert but rather symbolic of other things which she is then carrying over even to mundane parts of life.

 

Thoughts?

[eleanorrigby]

:o:o:o I do that and my husband sometimes gets irritated with me over it.

When I do it, it has nothing to do with control. I do it because I want dessert, but I don't want to eat an entire dessert. I just want to eat half of one.

Another reason I do it is to keep the dinner bill down. I like to have the entire experience when we dine. Aps, wine, dessert, coffee, but if we order two of each of those things our dinner bill would be over $100.

 

Anyway, when my husband really is not in the mood to share, he lets me know. lol

 

My mother is the one that REALLY gets pissed off about this. I know better then to even look at her plate. She gets furious when people ask for bites of what she is eating. *snort*

[whichwayisup]

I think you're reading way too much into this.

 

I do the same thing once in a while with my H, there's no power struggle or game going on. It really is this for me: I don't want a plate of dessert so I take a few bites of his! It doesn't bother him one bit.

[CarrieT]

It was a breaking point for me with a guy I was dating as well - but I was on the other side of it...

 

At the time, I was a budding food-and-wine writer (I've had quite a career as it). I love food and I greatly enjoy tasting as many flavors as I can. I also struggle with my weight and have gained and lost hundreds of pounds in my life.

 

With the guy I was dating, I enjoy tastes without having to consume an entire portion. He didn't like sharing and would deliberately order the spiciest thing on the menu, knowing I wouldn't enjoy and it would ruin my taste buds for anything else I was trying to taste (note: TASTE vs. EAT). His idea, "If you want it, just order it." My idea: "I don't want an entire portion or need to waste the money, when I just want to experience the flavor."

 

Also, with the idea of desserts, I have been able to keep my weight down by not consuming entire desserts but by just having a bite or two. When I dine alone, I will order dessert and only eat a few bites, but I greatly appreciate someone who doesn't mind sharing and it became a benchmark for me when dating someone.

 

I am fortunate that I am now with a man who - like me - prefers to go to a restaurant and order four or five appetizers versus two entrees just so we can taste more of what a restaurant has to offer. For people like us, it is not about consumption or fuel, but the joy of experiencing various flavors, textures, and the talents of a chef.

 

Now, for me, it is not about finances at all. I understand there are those who don't like sharing their food. I think I am just fortunate that I no longer have people in my life who are like that as - living in quite the food/wine community - most of those in my social circle are just as obsessed with flavors and are likely to want to share.

 

OP, what "something larger" do you think this is symbolic of????

[puzzleddad]

OP, what "something larger" do you think this is symbolic of????

 

We are not married all that long and she has second doubts about our prenup, now thinking it would be "more fair" to simply share everything equally financially.

[CarrieT]

We are not married all that long and she has second doubts about our prenup, now thinking it would be "more fair" to simply share everything equally financially.

 

Well, has the pre-nup already been signed?

 

Honestly, I think these are two separate issues but I can understand why you are connecting the two if YOU are seeing red flags by her comments about the pre-nup.

 

Did you not notice during the dating process that she wanted to share desserts?

[puzzleddad]

Well, has the pre-nup already been signed?

 

Did you not notice during the dating process that she wanted to share desserts?

 

yes prenup signed before marriage

 

less than a year later she wants to renegotiate

 

she always wanted to share food - just surprising now it's such an intense issue rather than a minor sideline

[eleanorrigby]

she always wanted to share food - just surprising now it's such an intense issue rather than a minor sideline

 

Has your reaction to her wanting to share food changed since you got married?

[xxoo]

It depends on what you are accustomed to. You order separate appetizers? That never happens in my family. If it is a large group, we order a few for the table, and pass them around. If it is just two people, order one and share.

 

We rarely order desserts, but when we do....they are always shared as well, whether it is two people splitting it, or just offering tastes.

[puzzleddad]

Has your reaction to her wanting to share food changed since you got married?

 

No, I have my faults as we all do but I am very consistent... I always said just order whatever you like and I'll order what I like.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP

 

Your wife wants to rewrite the prenup. But you post initially about dinner? What's going on here?

 

What were the prenup terms? Why has this issue arisen - doesn't seem likely that it's all about lunch. What are the other issues between you?

 

That said, your spouse wanting to change the prenup is a clear indication that she expects divorce and so ....you should definitely not change the prenup. Doh.

Edited October 21, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[carhill]

Thoughts?

I often shared food, like in the example in the OP, with my exW, lovers and/or girlfriends and never really gave it a second thought, other than as one potential indicator of intimacy. A few ladies fooled me in that regard, but I wouldn't change that part of my style.

 

My exW and I had separate financials

[veryhappy]

Is she watching her weight? Sometimes it makes sense, especially if she gets a craving knowing you'll order it, but not enough to order it for herself.

 

What happens to me with my husband is the following: we hardly eat the same foods, but if it's something we do he'll wait until last minute, or I'll finish it and he complains he didn't get any. I'm sorry the box of chocolates didn't last longer than a month, and it was only when you saw the empty box you decided you wanted one.

 

My suggestion is the following: she can have her share on a separate plate before you start eating. No extra bites, get what you want and get out of my plate. If not even that works for you, simply don't share.

 

With exMM it used to be very natural to share food, we actually both enjoyed it. It either works of it doesn't, but don't let it ruin the experience for you.

Edited October 21, 2012 by cutedragon

[eleanorrigby]

No, I have my faults as we all do but I am very consistent... I always said just order whatever you like and I'll order what I like.

So what's your big deal with sharing? Why not just share half your dessert with her since it's not an issue of money? What's your issue that you need the entire dessert to yourself?

 

There are million and one potential fixes to this little problem.

 

1. If you don't like people digging in your plate, have the server split the dessert on separate plates for the two of you.

 

2. If you really want the entire dessert to yourself, share one with your wife and order another slice togo for yourself.

 

3. If you don't like taking home desserts and still need to consume a full portion, order one dessert to split with your wife, order another dessert split in half and offer the part you don't need to your server to enjoy.

 

4. Order two desserts split in half, and extra little plates. Have the server box the rest.

 

 

You can easily fix this little dessert sharing issue to both your satisfaction. Then you can start talking about what really is bothering the two of you right now.

[strongnrelaxed]

This is not about dessert. I had the same issue, although I just let it go and shared.

 

On second thought, I regret this. I now realize that this is one of many little tests that women present to us. Women will vociferously deny and disagree with this (yet another test) but they do not realize they are doing it.

 

Just in the same way that men can sometimes find themselves looking at a beautiful woman and sort of snap out of it and think (damn, I was just staring) so too do women instinctively pull little power tests like this (for lack of a better term).

 

A previous poster makes some suggestions, but I would offer this one - from now on, order TWO of whatever dessert you want. Do not ask her, just do it. If she asks for some of yours, just push the second plate towards her and offer her half.

 

If she get's pissed off at you for doing this, then you know she is playing head games with you and you are doomed. If she thanks you for thinking of her in this way and for sharing half, then you have a gracious partner on your hands and you should consider yourself lucky.

[todreaminblue]

This may seem like a pretty minor issue, but it is quite a concern for my wife and thus perhaps symbolic of something larger.

 

At times when we go to dinner, my wife will ask what I am having (such as dessert or appetizer) and say "that sounds good - I'll have some of yours." I offer for her to order her own and she tells me "no I am not hungry enough - I'll just have a few bites of yours."

 

So this happened yesterday and she was quite upset that I "don't know how to share" my food and said that a marriage is supposed to be about sharing everything in our life.

 

Sure we ought to share if there is only one left of whatever is involved.. she could have the whole thing as far as I'm concerned if that were the case. But why "share" if we're at a restaurant and can easily get what sh wants and take the extra home. (No this is not a financial issue at all.)

 

From my perspective, this is really a power issue about her getting me to do something. From her perspective, a spouse should share everything. I tend to think this isn't actually about sharing dessert but rather symbolic of other things which she is then carrying over even to mundane parts of life.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

i try to feed people my food...if i order ill say try this or this i always offer so to me its sharing and trying different things......ill wait till someone offers me some of their food which normally happens after i offer....this includes dates if they dont offer they dont.....ill still offer......and I dont expect to be returned food...my sister pinches food off my plate before i offer...that pisses me off a little but i end up laughing......why worry about these little things......do you guard food????...i should do the guarding thing when my sister is around......i try but she always beats me too it....

 

the sign of someone who has been denied food(fighting for survival) is simple...... they guard food......they put their arms or hands around the plate head low.....they dont want to share because they have had to fight for it....have you had to fight for food before?????....if you havent....consider yourself lucky and give a spoonful of dessert to your loving wife your waist will thankyou...your wife will thank you later in the bedroom perhaps.....pretend like she missed the ice cream maybe.......maybe that is the symbolism that will inspire you to share....thats the bigger picture of symbolism....because you share you may be the ice cream on her plate later....smiling.....innocently......good luck ice cream man..hope i inspired you to share...deb

[xxoo]

It's just food. Why not share, unless you don't have access to enough? Sharing food is a very basic form or demonstration love and attachment, from infancy forward. It's bonding.

 

If you still want more, order another and share that one, too. What's the real problem?

[eleanorrigby]

I agree, sharing at restaurants shouldn't be a big deal. Now if she is constantly "lemme have a bite of that" at home every time she sees you pass by with a snack, that's a different story.

My son does that and it's infuriating.

[2sure]

I don't usually order dessert unless there is something special I really like. Guys are Huge on splitting dessert. I have no problem sharing, but if I find I want more I have no qualms about ordering another. It seems to shock people, which is kind of funny to me....Isn't that part of the fun about being a grown up?

[standtall]

Good grief man..only a woman would care about sharing and only a man would not..fight about something else.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you still want more, order another and share that one, too. What's the real problem?

I had the exact same thought - order the dessert, share and if you want more, order more. The power struggle here seems to be on your part. Your wife, she just wants a bite of your dessert...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

PS - If I order something extra delicious, I try to convince my wife to taste it just to prove my choice was better than hers ...

[Saba]

I do this all the time because if I order a whole dessert I will eat a whole dessert. I have no self control when it comes to sweets unfortunately. Nothing more to it. No manipulation, no control issue, nothing. Just don’t want to eat too much.

[CC12]

From my perspective, this is really a power issue about her getting me to do something.

 

I was kind of with you until this part. Your basic argument is "My wife wants too many bites of my dessert, so she must be trying to exert power over me" rather than chalking it up to an annoying (to some) personality quirk. You can understand why this sounds really weird, right?

 

But I don't know your wife. Maybe she is a really manipulative person who would eat your cheesecake to passive aggressively assert her dominance or whatever. Is that the kind of person you're married to?

[amaysngrace]

I think you should be a really good husband and order four desserts so that she can try a variety.

 

You may even get laid for that.