"I don't want my own dessert - I'll just share yours"

[JamesM]

My little 4 year old comes home from Pre-K and uses the phrase "Sharing is Caring"

 

To me there is nothing left to say after that about sharing food...

well.. except never ever eat after a child

 

I agree that sharing is a good thing, but I don't think this is about sharing.

 

I guess the analogy in this is if your child went to school with his lunch and was expected to share it with the boy next to him who never brought a lunch. And if he didn't then his teacher would tell him that he is selfish.

 

You would have two choices: share or not share. But the difference is that you could only give your son enough food for one person. Hence, your son would end up hungry.

 

Wouldn't this show a lack of respect for your son?

[eleanorrigby]

Well, since OP can't change his wife and her perspective on sharing, I wonder what he is going to do now.

 

Come back OP, this topic is interesting to me because I identify with his wife (so far, with the little bit of info I have)

 

I honestly never thought of this sort of thing as being manipulative or crossing boundaries. Food for thought for me.

[threebyfate]

My little 4 year old comes home from Pre-K and uses the phrase "Sharing is Caring"

 

To me there is nothing left to say after that about sharing food...

well.. except never ever eat after a child

Fully agree although...hopefully... his wife isn't a four year old.

 

Whether it has to do with food or any other irritant, an adult is capable of controlling themselves. In this situation, the onus is on his wife to stop irritating him by learning to order her own dessert. The solution is mega simple for her to stop being so inconsiderate. This really isn't asking much since being married doesn't mean a loss of reasonable boundaries.

[Art_Critic]

I agree that sharing is a good thing, but I don't think this is about sharing.

 

I guess the analogy in this is if your child went to school with his lunch and was expected to share it with the boy next to him who never brought a lunch. And if he didn't then his teacher would tell him that he is selfish.

 

You would have two choices: share or not share. But the difference is that you could only give your son enough food for one person. Hence, your son would end up hungry.

 

Wouldn't this show a lack of respect for your son?

 

Are you saying that the OP is going to go hungry if he shares his desert..

Didn't he already eat dinner ?

 

The analogy of the school James would only carry weight if it was his whole lunch he was sharing, not his apple slices.

Lack of respect.. no...

 

In the OP's case I think his wife is combining her feelings about a marriage into this simple act of sharing food, she is looking for some validation that he loves and cares about her...

 

He should share his desert

 

The rest..whew.. that to me is off topic.. I was only replying to the opening post.

Edited October 23, 2012 by Art_Critic

[Mr. Lucky]

What happens if the OP and his wife are out walking on a crisp fall night and he's the only one that brought a coat? I'm guessing she's going to be chilly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

Are you saying that the OP is going to go hungry if he shares his desert..

Didn't he already eat dinner ?

 

The analogy of the school James would only carry weight if it was his whole lunch he was sharing, not his apple slices.

Lack of respect.. no...

 

Agreed. Not a perfect analogy. But yes, I think it is about respect not sharing. It is about boundaries and not about caring.

 

In the OP's case I think his wife is combining her feelings about a marriage into this simple act of sharing food, she is looking for some validation that he loves and cares about her...

 

This I agree with 100%. Her thinking is that if he won't share his dessert, then he doesn't love her more than he loves himself. He is thinking that she won't let him have his own dessert and anything that is his must be hers too.

 

He should share his desert

 

Disagree. As was suggested, he should ask ahead of time if she wants dessert and if she wants his, then he can simply order more with two spoons.

[GorillaTheater]

It's difficult for me to see this as a big deal. My wife and I will typically share a dessert when we're out: I'm usually pretty full and don't have much of a sweet tooth, and she's fairly calorie-conscious, so it works for us. We always share appetizers as a matter of course.

 

The solution is probably the same as dealing with any other hurdle: talk about it. If it's important for you to have your own food, tell her and explain why. Expect the same from her. But I don't think there's anything sinister at work.

 

Maybe it's a function of how we're raised. I only had a much younger sister, and it wasn't unusual for us to sample from each others' plate. My wife grew up with four brothers, and one of the first times I took her out I wanted to try a shrimp off her plate. And got a fork in the back of my hand for my trouble. She was raised in an environment where it was anass-kicking offense to mess with someone else's food.

[eleanorrigby]

 

In the OP's case I think his wife is combining her feelings about a marriage into this simple act of sharing food, she is looking for some validation that he loves and cares about her...

 

 

It seems like that to me as well. Over time, a no sharing food boundary like that with my husband would weigh heavily on my heart. (and if we went out with friends and he shared ANYthing with the group, I'd raise hell at home afterwards!)

[VeveCakes]

People! It is so annoying when you order something and then someone wants to eat it when they could have just ordered one for themselves. We aren't talking about ONE BITE so stop saying that's the issue!

 

I'm on the OPs side on this one.

[JamesM]

This is not about ordering a dessert to share ( at least that is not how I read it). It is about her simply wanting his after he orders it.

 

But I could be wrong.

 

Then my last suggestion stands. Simply order a dessert to share and ask for more.

 

If this is about sharing in general throughout their marriage, then we do have a bigger issue.

 

Either way. I agree that this should not be an issue one way or another.

[threebyfate]

In the OP's case I think his wife is combining her feelings about a marriage into this simple act of sharing food, she is looking for some validation that he loves and cares about her...

 

He should share his desert

I don't agree with this at all. You can't demand validation or love and caring, infusing it into every tiny aspect of behaviour. This is called emotional blackmail.

[eleanorrigby]

People! It is so annoying when you order something and then someone wants to eat it when they could have just ordered one for themselves. We aren't talking about ONE BITE so stop saying that's the issue!

 

I'm on the OPs side on this one.

 

From the OP post I got the impression that the wife was only wanting "a few bites" because she wasn't that hungry. We need more information. If he comes back and say that she always says she wants a bite or two then proceeds to scarf 60% + then I'm on his side. If he comes back and says she is just constantly diving a fork into his plate and that's his issue, then I get the annoyance.

 

 

I need more info I guess to decide how I feel about this.

[GorillaTheater]

See. It works for YOU two for reasons you BOTH have. What if the OP rarely gets dessert, and when he does order it he wants the whole thing? Why does he not get to do so?

 

This shouldn't be a problem either. If I were him, I'd order two desserts. If his wife only wants a bite or two from hers, I'd take it home and eat it later. Though it would be more productive to talk it out. Hurt feelings and resentment don't do much for my appetite.

[xxoo]

I don't think he owes her humor or grace. This is her problem to solve on her own. It's called having respect for your partner's boundaries.

 

I hope he was clear about this boundary before marriage, because that would be the time for her to solve it

 

I don't see force here. Clearly, he can refuse, and she can be upset about it.

 

I don't see any humor, grace, or problem solving on either side.

 

What I do see is two very advantaged people (eating in a restaurant, money is not an issue) getting worked up about a bite of food.

 

As a contrast: My H and I regularly share snacks and desserts. We are both a bit stubborn, and each want the other to have the last bite. There is always a "stand off" of sorts, where we each put down our forks and indicate that bite is for the other.

 

I'd rather win at hug-o-war than tug-o-war

 

Each time you choose a hug instead of a tug, it adds up to something bigger. The same is true each time you choose a tug instead of a hug.

[threebyfate]

This shouldn't be a problem either. If I were him, I'd order two desserts. If his wife only wants a bite or two from hers, I'd take it home and eat it later. Though it would be more productive to talk it out. Hurt feelings and resentment don't do much for my appetite.

Now this, I would probably do. Order two desserts every time. But I wouldn't bring the leftovers home. I'd make her do it and if she refuses, leave the balance on the table since if you bring it home, the possibility of reenactment of "sharing" would happen at home. Or he could bring it home and eat it when she's not around or in the bathroom.

[eleanorrigby]

I don't agree with this at all. You can't demand validation or love and caring, infusing it into every tiny aspect of behaviour. This is called emotional blackmail.

 

I see it more like her wanting those "sweet moments".

 

My husband and I like to watch movies in a big chair together eating out of the same pint of ice cream. Eating out of the same container feels closer to me, cuddly and sweet. I would miss it a lot if he didn't enjoy sharing food with me like this.

 

Once I got the ice cream out and started eating it by myself and he asked me "what's wrong with you? Are you mad at me? You're not sharing the ice cream."

 

Sharing the ice cream has become part of our relationship and a way we show love.

 

Maybe his wife wants to feel close in this way.

[threebyfate]

I see it more like her wanting those "sweet moments".

 

My husband and I like to watch movies in a big chair together eating out of the same pint of ice cream. Eating out of the same container feels closer to me, cuddly and sweet. I would miss it a lot if he didn't enjoy sharing food with me like this.

 

Once I got the ice cream out and started eating it by myself and he asked me "what's wrong with you? Are you mad at me? You're not sharing the ice cream."

 

Sharing the ice cream has become part of our relationship and a way we show love.

 

Maybe his wife wants to feel close in this way.

So every couple should be a carbon copy of yours?

[xxoo]

So every couple should be a carbon copy of yours?

 

No, of course not!

 

But when there are different "styles", it can be helpful to understand where those desires come from, and not attribute them to negative things like desire to control or emotionally blackmail.

 

Understand leads to better problem solving.

[threebyfate]

I hope he was clear about this boundary before marriage, because that would be the time for her to solve it

 

I don't see force here. Clearly, he can refuse, and she can be upset about it.

 

I don't see any humor, grace, or problem solving on either side.

 

What I do see is two very advantaged people (eating in a restaurant, money is not an issue) getting worked up about a bite of food.

 

As a contrast: My H and I regularly share snacks and desserts. We are both a bit stubborn, and each want the other to have the last bite. There is always a "stand off" of sorts, where we each put down our forks and indicate that bite is for the other.

 

I'd rather win at hug-o-war than tug-o-war

 

Each time you choose a hug instead of a tug, it adds up to something bigger. The same is true each time you choose a tug instead of a hug.

If sharing food was a problem of your husband's, would you relentlessly insist he share his food?

[threebyfate]

No, of course not!

 

But when there are different "styles", it can be helpful to understand where those desires come from, and not attribute them to negative things like desire to control or emotionally blackmail.

 

Understand leads to better problem solving.

Once again, would you relentlessly pursue your husband for food, if it bothered him?

[eleanorrigby]

So every couple should be a carbon copy of yours?

 

No, that's not what I meant. I was just sharing an example from my perspective for the OP to think about and possibly ask his wife if this might be how she is feeling.

[xxoo]

If sharing food was a problem of your husband's, would you relentlessly insist he share his food?

 

We'd figure something out. I assume the best of him, he assumes the best of me, and we get creative.

 

I'd probably snarl at him like a dog when he refused to share, though (that's supposed to be humor)

[threebyfate]

No, that's not what I meant. I was just sharing an example from my perspective for the OP to think about and possibly ask his wife if this might be how she is feeling.

I'm going to ask you the same question as xxoo. Would you relentlessly pursue your husband for some triviality like food sharing if you KNEW it bothered him?

[GorillaTheater]

Once again, would you relentlessly pursue your husband for food, if it bothered him?

 

Do we even know whether he's said anything, or whether he just sits there and fumes? She may not even be aware that it bothers him.

 

To answer your question, it might depend on how evil I was feeling.

[threebyfate]

We'd figure something out. I assume the best of him, he assumes the best of me, and we get creative.

 

I'd probably snarl at him like a dog when he refused to share, though (that's supposed to be humor)

You're avoiding my question. Would you keep pursuing him for food if you KNEW it bothered him?