"I don't want my own dessert - I'll just share yours"

[eleanorrigby]

I'm going to ask you the same question as xxoo. Would you relentlessly pursue your husband for some triviality like food sharing if you KNEW it bothered him?

 

I suppose eventually I would give up. But if he didn't have a reason for this that I could understand, this would really bother me over time.

[threebyfate]

At times when we go to dinner, my wife will ask what I am having (such as dessert or appetizer) and say "that sounds good - I'll have some of yours." I offer for her to order her own and she tells me "no I am not hungry enough - I'll just have a few bites of yours."

 

So this happened yesterday and she was quite upset that I "don't know how to share" my food and said that a marriage is supposed to be about sharing everything in our life.

 

Do we even know whether he's said anything, or whether he just sits there and fumes? She may not even be aware that it bothers him.

 

To answer your question, it might depend on how evil I was feeling.

In order to get upset and accuse him of being incapable of sharing, she has to be well aware that it clearly bothers him.

[threebyfate]

I suppose eventually I would give up. But if he didn't have a reason for this that I could understand, this would really bother me over time.

So, let's say you don't enjoy BDSM. Would you be happy if your husband kept insisting on it, to prove your love?

[GorillaTheater]

Do we even know whether he's said anything, or whether he just sits there and fumes? She may not even be aware that it bothers him.

 

To answer your question, it might depend on how evil I was feeling.

 

After re-reading to find out to what extent they've discussed it, I've come to the conclusion that this has a bit more to do with his wife's desire to re-negotiate the pre-nup than it does with a slice of apple pie.

[threebyfate]

After re-reading to find out to what extent they've discussed it, I've come to the conclusion that this has a bit more to do with his wife's desire to re-negotiate the pre-nup than it does with a slice of apple pie.

Either way, she's being irrational. The prenup is signed and sealed. Hope he sticks to it and doesn't fold since she's proving herself incapable of being consistent and rational.

[xxoo]

You're avoiding my question. Would you keep pursuing him for food if you KNEW it bothered him?

 

I'm not avoiding your question.

 

If it was truly bothering me, we would problem solve. I'd try to understand his point of view (exactly why it bothered him), and we'd find a solution that genuinely works for both of us.

[eleanorrigby]

So, let's say you don't enjoy BDSM. Would you be happy if your husband kept insisting on it, to prove your love?

 

No, I wouldn't be happy with that. But bdsm vs sharing dessert?

 

I don't see the sharing as him proving he loves me. It's just one thing he does that enhances/reminds me/expresses our bond.

[GorillaTheater]

Either way, she's being irrational. The prenup is signed and sealed. Hope he sticks to it and doesn't fold since she's proving herself incapable of being consistent and rational.

 

Yeah, but there's a couple of orders' magnitude of difference between the two issues.

 

OP: hold firm on the pre-nup, but for crissakes give her a bite of your pie.

[threebyfate]

I'm not avoiding your question.

 

If it was truly bothering me, we would problem solve. I'd try to understand his point of view (exactly why it bothered him), and we'd find a solution that genuinely works for both of us.

Would you honestly put your marriage at risk over something so trivial?

 

No, I wouldn't be happy with that. But bdsm vs sharing dessert?

 

I don't see the sharing as him proving he loves me. It's just one thing he does that enhances/reminds me/expresses our bond.

An annoyance is an annoyance. The more anyone pushes reasonable boundaries within relationships, the more people are going to stand firm. It smacks of major disrespect.

[Art_Critic]

Each time you choose a hug instead of a tug, it adds up to something bigger.

 

Personally.. I'd rather have the tug

 

I do think that GT is right as well, this has some to do with the pre-nup.. it laid the foundation for sharing from the beginning.

 

I also think she is feeling like she needs some love shown her way, many people use a pre-nup as a divider rather than a builder and if the OP hasn't smoothed over some of the bumps for the hurt feelings that may have been created the desert has manifested itself as being tied to the pre-nup

[sweetjasmine]

Would you relentlessly pursue your husband for some triviality like food sharing if you KNEW it bothered him?

 

No, I wouldn't. But it would bother me if he never wanted to share food, ever. Thankfully, my husband and I are on the same page with that. We always offer each other tastes of what we're having. And if one of us wants a bite or two, we ask if we can have a bite. And we always end up splitting desserts because neither one of us wants to eat the whole thing.

 

It can be a silly power struggle in some situations, though. When H was living with his best friend, said friend would do this kind of thing frequently with his girlfriend. One time, she said she was having a sweet tooth craving, and he told her to go ahead and go through the fridge. She found some ice cream in the freezer and asked if she could have some. He pouted like a baby and whined about it, and it struck H as ridiculous that he wouldn't let his girlfriend have just a little bit of some freaking ice cream, especially after he told her to go through the fridge if she wanted to.

 

I still think there's more going on here than the sharing food business, though.

[threebyfate]

Yeah, but there's a couple of orders' magnitude of difference between the two issues.

 

OP: hold firm on the pre-nup, but for crissakes give her a bite of your pie.

I would suggest he stand firm for both, especially if they're related. In bending over for the dessert part, he's letting her know that if she keeps insisting, she can get her way with anything.

[Art_Critic]

In bending over for the dessert part, he's letting her know that if she keeps insisting, she can get her way with anything.

 

That would fall into one of those "Do I want to die on this hill" deals..

Is the battle worth it...

 

It's a freaking desert in the end.. order 2...

[threebyfate]

So everyone knows, my husband and I share our food. But there are things like toothbrushes and hairbrushes that we both stand firm on, for not sharing. No, don't say that our marriage works because we share food since that's silly. It's because we respect each other's reasonable boundaries that our marriage works.

[Art_Critic]

I fix stuff for my wife all the time... why should I ?.. it's my time.. she should go fix it herself... or I could share my time with my wife and fix something she asked me to, like I always do...

[GorillaTheater]

That would fall into one of those "Do I want to die on this hill" deals..

Is the battle worth it...

 

It's a freaking desert in the end.. order 2...

 

Exactly. Some battles aren't worth the bullets you'll take in the process.

 

TBF, I like you quite a bit, but I don't know whether to laugh or shake my head over you being such a hard-ass. In the past few minutes I've done both.

[threebyfate]

It's a freaking desert in the end.. order 2...

That's something I'd agree with.

 

I can almost guarantee that even if he does order two, it won't stop there but the only way he can find out, is to try it and see what happens. Hope I'm wrong but this type of power playing, particularly on her part to attempt to force him to share everything, begins and should end within her.

[sweetjasmine]

I don't get the impression that that is the case.

 

Me neither. That doesn't seem to be the case for the OP. I was just answering the hypothetical.

[threebyfate]

Exactly. Some battles aren't worth the bullets you'll take in the process.

 

TBF, I like you quite a bit, but I don't know whether to laugh or shake my head over you being such a hard-ass. In the past few minutes I've done both.

I'm a major hard-ass when it comes to emotional blackmail and power plays in relationships.

[xxoo]

Personally.. I'd rather have the tug

 

I'd offer a bite of my "pie" in return for a bite of his

 

I do think that GT is right as well, this has some to do with the pre-nup.. it laid the foundation for sharing from the beginning.

 

Do you mean that he is digging in his heels about the dessert because of the pre-nup issue?

 

Or that she is pushing for the dessert because of the pre-nup issue?

 

Or both?

 

I think the first is true, and possibly the second. But sometimes a bite of pie is just a bite of pie.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm a major hard-ass when it comes to emotional blackmail and power plays in relationships.

 

How's the non-spanking thing going?

 

William, please don't kick my ass for going OT.

[eleanorrigby]

Would you honestly put your marriage at risk over something so trivial?

 

An annoyance is an annoyance. The more anyone pushes reasonable boundaries within relationships, the more people are going to stand firm. It smacks of major disrespect.

 

Well, the OP is possibly putting his marriage at risk all over not wanting to share a slice of dessert.

 

And I agree with you about reasonable boundaries. I don't have enough info in this situation to decide which one is being unreasonable.

 

If he's willing to share with certain provisions that make him comfortable, that's reasonable to me. If he doesn't ever want to share even a bite with his wife no matter what. I think that's unreasonable.

 

If his wife just wants a few bites at restaurants because it makes her feel closer to him, I think that's reasonable. If she is reaching her arm out across the table being obnoxious, eating most of the dessert, never ordering enough EVER, and starting fights at restaurants, that's unreasonable to me.

 

Also we are starting to dabble in bdsm, and we are working out our boundaries and what makes us comfortable during this practice together. If he insisted on something I didn't want, all bdsm play would be over. But that's not the case, we are finding a compromise that works for the two of us.

 

I think food sharing is something they ought to be able to find a compromise that makes them both satisfied.

[xxoo]

Would you honestly put your marriage at risk over something so trivial?

 

I don't think you are getting the idea of how this plays out without a power play.

 

When I am honestly concerned about his point of view, and he is honestly concerned about mine, we find solutions.

[threebyfate]

How's the non-spanking thing going?

 

William, please don't kick my ass for going OT.

No need for it at all. While B1's crazy active and energetic, he's also manageable and reasonable since we've raised him on explanations, instead of physical force.

 

Anyways, he really should try the ordering two desserts and see how this plays out. Hopefully, he'll also update us on this too.

[xxoo]

The OP's solution has been for her to order dessert. She refuses. How childish is that? If he wanted half a dessert, he'd be happy to order one and split it. He obviously wants more than half a dessert. I don't see the problem since money isn't an issue as stated previously. However, she REFUSES to order a second dessert.

 

Sounds like she is trying to control him, and that's not how solutions are created.

 

I already said that there is no evidence of problem solving or grace on either side.

 

Meeting stubborn with stubborn is not my style. I recognize that he has a concern, recognize that I have a concern, and see if we can work it out.