"I don't want my own dessert - I'll just share yours"

[AlexDP]

This may seem like a pretty minor issue, but it is quite a concern for my wife and thus perhaps symbolic of something larger.

 

At times when we go to dinner, my wife will ask what I am having (such as dessert or appetizer) and say "that sounds good - I'll have some of yours." I offer for her to order her own and she tells me "no I am not hungry enough - I'll just have a few bites of yours."

 

So this happened yesterday and she was quite upset that I "don't know how to share" my food and said that a marriage is supposed to be about sharing everything in our life.

 

Sure we ought to share if there is only one left of whatever is involved.. she could have the whole thing as far as I'm concerned if that were the case. But why "share" if we're at a restaurant and can easily get what sh wants and take the extra home. (No this is not a financial issue at all.)

 

From my perspective, this is really a power issue about her getting me to do something. From her perspective, a spouse should share everything. I tend to think this isn't actually about sharing dessert but rather symbolic of other things which she is then carrying over even to mundane parts of life.

 

Thoughts?

 

I can't say I understand why, but girls just love this sort of thing. They love to share. To be frank, I don't think it's about power.

[JamesM]

Puzzleddad, I am on your side completely. This is one thing that was a problem when we first were married and dated. My comment was "If you want one, then I will order one for you." And I still say this today. This is not a small thing, but a symbol of a bigger issue.

 

Here is the thing. I am one who orders what I want to eat. So, I order fries, burger and coke. She orders the burger and coke. I ordered enough for me and not too much. She orders less than she really wanted and expects me to share with her. There have been times that I give her my fries and go order another. It is rare that I let her eat my food except if the item she wants is something she has never tasted. This is not about being selfish. It is about planning.

 

Side note: Even today when I buy something from the store and the kids eat it, then I have an issue. "I bought enough for (me, your parents, or whomever) based on requests. If someone else wants the item, then please let me know sooner. If you do it eat, then let me know that it is gone." I have no problem buying enough for everyone, but if I do and no one eats it then it goes to waste. So I don't. Back to issue.

 

This is about more than a power struggle. It is about respect of boundaries. It is about you stating what you like and desire and her ignoring them for her own desires...THEN she tells you that YOU are the selfish one.

 

This will not get better with time if you let it go now.

 

In our case, my wife doesn't even bother sharing unless we order to share. I have no problem ordering a dessert to share if that is what we both decided. She knows the line and it hasn't been a problem in years. If I let her take whatever she wanted of mine many years ago, then she would still do it today and I would still resent it. Ironically, she would have less respect for my boundaries.

 

As for the prenup, this comment was probably made during one of these sharing episodes. It is a different issue. As was said, if she suddenly wants to change the prenup, then you have to ask why. Does she expect to divorce and is preparing for it?

 

Does she see this as a bigger issue too? Is the dessert power struggle/respect problem a sign of more like it?

 

IMO, as newlyweds, both of you are learning to get along. Sharing is one of those issues. Deciding the boundaries of "we" versus "me" is another.

 

Good luck.

[Sauron]

It is all about power and control. If she is insecure and inadequate the more she will display this kind of behavior. You should put your foot down and make sure she knows her place or you will be creating a monster....

[Hawaii50]

LMAO this thread.. I really don't think it's a power issue for most us guys who get their plates picked apart from women. But OP's reads a little deeper than average once you started to get into prenups~n~such.

 

She doesn't want to order fries cause she knows how bad the are and doesn't want to be appear to the staff or you like she's over doing it(Read- being a fatty), and she wants to eat healthier so she doesn't order fries.. then see your perfect golden fried potatoes!

 

You cannot debate sharing a few fries with the Mrs., you will not win. lol.

"Yes I will share my entire life and even die for you.. but leave my friggin' fries alone!"

 

I've only had a few run-ins with this sort of thing, as mentioned earlier, but overall I adore the idea of sharing meals with people. Even going to a stupid rest. like Chilis and sharing an app, salad, entre.. much more preferable to me. The social and communal aspect of sharing food is ancient- you all know that.

[eleanorrigby]

 

You cannot debate sharing a few fries with the Mrs., you will not win. lol.

"Yes I will share my entire life and even die for you.. but leave my friggin' fries alone!"

 

*high five* on this one.

[eleanorrigby]

Puzzleddad, I am on your side completely. This is one thing that was a problem when we first were married and dated. My comment was "If you want one, then I will order one for you." And I still say this today. This is not a small thing, but a symbol of a bigger issue.

 

Here is the thing. I am one who orders what I want to eat. So, I order fries, burger and coke. She orders the burger and coke. I ordered enough for me and not too much. She orders less than she really wanted and expects me to share with her. There have been times that I give her my fries and go order another. It is rare that I let her eat my food except if the item she wants is something she has never tasted. This is not about being selfish. It is about planning.

 

Side note: Even today when I buy something from the store and the kids eat it, then I have an issue. "I bought enough for (me, your parents, or whomever) based on requests. If someone else wants the item, then please let me know sooner. If you do it eat, then let me know that it is gone." I have no problem buying enough for everyone, but if I do and no one eats it then it goes to waste. So I don't. Back to issue.

 

This is about more than a power struggle. It is about respect of boundaries. It is about you stating what you like and desire and her ignoring them for her own desires...THEN she tells you that YOU are the selfish one.

 

This will not get better with time if you let it go now.

 

In our case, my wife doesn't even bother sharing unless we order to share. I have no problem ordering a dessert to share if that is what we both decided. She knows the line and it hasn't been a problem in years. If I let her take whatever she wanted of mine many years ago, then she would still do it today and I would still resent it. Ironically, she would have less respect for my boundaries.

 

As for the prenup, this comment was probably made during one of these sharing episodes. It is a different issue. As was said, if she suddenly wants to change the prenup, then you have to ask why. Does she expect to divorce and is preparing for it?

 

Does she see this as a bigger issue too? Is the dessert power struggle/respect problem a sign of more like it?

 

IMO, as newlyweds, both of you are learning to get along. Sharing is one of those issues. Deciding the boundaries of "we" versus "me" is another.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I get you on the boundaries. I like to share but I'll flip my wig if you launch a fork into my plate without asking first.

 

However, I would get resentful of a husband that had such strict rules and boundaries that he would only deign to share the food on his plate with me if it was something I had never eaten before.

 

Geez is it really that serious? If I was looking at your plate of Jamabalaya and asked for a shrimp would you really deny me one lousy bite if I was your wife??

 

If the OP is acting like this, I can definitely see why it's starting to get on his wife's nerves.

Edited October 22, 2012 by eleanorrigby

[JamesM]

Geez is it really that serious? If I was looking at your plate of Jamabalaya and asked for a shrimp would you really deny me one lousy bite if I was your wife??

 

 

Trust me...it is not about "one lousy bite" but a continual insisting that he share his food. It is not about one shrimp but about the idea that what is on your plate is also mine. And ordering a dessert with two spoons...totally okay. Tasting my dessert to see if she likes it...fine. But her ordering no dessert and then her expecting me to share mine without asking ahead of time....selfish and inconsiderate and disrespectful.

 

This is NOT about one lousy bite or a couple of shrimp. That is normal sharing. Eating half of my fries when another order would have been better is not normal sharing.

 

Do not get me wrong. I do share with my wife. She is welcome to taste my food. We enjoy buying a dessert to share and still do. But really...being offended because I didn't order enough to share?

 

This is about respect and boundaries and not about simple sharing. It is one person being selfish while moaning about the selfishness of the other.

 

No, it should not be a big issue, but then how you roll up the toothpaste tube should not be either.

[eleanorrigby]

Trust me...it is not about "one lousy bite" but a continual insisting that he share his food. It is not about one shrimp but about the idea that what is on your plate is also mine. And ordering a dessert with two spoons...totally okay. Tasting my dessert to see if she likes it...fine. But her ordering no dessert and then her expecting me to share mine without asking ahead of time....selfish and inconsiderate and disrespectful.

This is NOT about one lousy bite or a couple of shrimp. That is normal sharing. Eating half of my fries when another order would have been better is not normal sharing.

 

Do not get me wrong. I do share with my wife. She is welcome to taste my food. We enjoy buying a dessert to share and still do. But really...being offended because I didn't order enough to share?

 

This is about respect and boundaries and not about simple sharing. It is one person being selfish while moaning about the selfishness of the other.

 

No, it should not be a big issue, but then how you roll up the toothpaste tube should not be either.

 

OK now I get you better. I think we feel almost the same. I want and expect to share, but both of us are expected to politely ask first, and if the answer is NO...leave it alone.

 

Sometimes he really just wants what he got allll to himself and I get that and have no problem. I would have a problem however if it was like this all the time with all meals, in and out of the house.

 

Sharing food to me is another way I express my love and receive it from my husband so a strict rule "my plate is mine, your plate is yours" would leave me feeling disconnected from him after a while.

[Els]

Answering the title of the OP alone, there are plenty of reasons for someone to want to share dessert, that don't involve finance or a power struggle. Firstly, calories. Have you any idea how many calories a restaurant dessert contains?? The advice for people who want to watch calories but also enjoy their food is to eat smaller portions, especially of non-essential stuff like dessert. Sharing really helps with that. Secondly, not all food can be doggy-bagged, or doggy-bagged well. Especially not desserts.

 

That being said, someone can WANT to share all she likes, but if her partner really isn't comfortable with it I don't see why it's a huge enough issue to force on him. She should pick her battles, and dessert is really not worth it.

 

That ALSO being said, sounds like there are a lot of issues in your R and you really need to delve deeper into them instead of bickering about desserts.

[Mr. Lucky]

Firstly, calories. Have you any idea how many calories a restaurant dessert contains??

Good point. OP (and James ), based on the info below maybe your wife is selflessly throwing herself under the bus for you, trying to save your life:

 

 

Brownie Sundae Cheesecake

 

Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 each (1g)

Amount Per Serving Calories 1270 Calories from Fat n/a % Daily Value* Total Fat n/a g 0% Saturated Fat 43 g 215% Trans Fat n/a g Cholesterol n/a mg 0% Sodium 250 mg 10% Total Carbohydrate 137 g 46% Dietary Fiber n/a g 0% Sugars n/a g Protein n/a g Vitamin A n/a% • Vitamin C n/a% Calcium n/a% • Iron n/a%

 

Mr. Lucky

[JamesM]

Good point. OP (and James ), based on the info below maybe your wife is selflessly throwing herself under the bus for you, trying to save your life:

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LOL

 

Actually, when it comes to dessert, SHE is the one who usually orders it. You know the "I will order a salad so I have room for dessert" routine? You do have a point and that is why we will share one.

 

If that were the issue here, then I don't think there would be an issue.

[Els]

Good point. OP (and James ), based on the info below maybe your wife is selflessly throwing herself under the bus for you, trying to save your life:

 

 

Brownie Sundae Cheesecake

 

Nutrition Facts Serving Size 1 each (1g)

Amount Per Serving Calories 1270 Calories from Fat n/a % Daily Value* Total Fat n/a g 0% Saturated Fat 43 g 215% Trans Fat n/a g Cholesterol n/a mg 0% Sodium 250 mg 10% Total Carbohydrate 137 g 46% Dietary Fiber n/a g 0% Sugars n/a g Protein n/a g Vitamin A n/a% • Vitamin C n/a% Calcium n/a% • Iron n/a%

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Get that info AWAY from me!!! :(:(

[Mr. Lucky]

Get that info AWAY from me!!! :(:(

Got that info from Cheesecake Factory's website. They should have Dante's inscription above their front door:

 

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

I am a "my plate is mine; your plate is yours" person, and I am female. I don't typically get dessert, so when I do decide to indulge in a piece of pie, I don't want another fork coming over and taking some of it.

 

Sometimes we do order desserts to share, and that is different than me saying "I'll have a piece of pie" and him saying "Nothing for me" but then wolfing down on my pie. Grrr.

 

OP - maybe you should just order two desserts. Two different desserts, and say "They both looked good!" then just let your wife help you with them. LOL

[eleanorrigby]

Got that info from Cheesecake Factory's website. They should have Dante's inscription above their front door:

 

"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here"

 

Mr. Lucky

 

lol I worked there for yeaaarrsss, the food is delicious but deadly. One slice of the carrot cake was one of the most caloric, fatty things on the menu! You would eat less fat having a plate of almost anything else on the menu.

[strongnrelaxed]

This issue seems related (albeit very loosely) to public displays of affection. My ex and I were very close and would hold hands, arm in arm etc, all the time - but there were times when she would push the issue in certain circumstances.

 

Being a clueless man, it took me a while to notice that she did this when there were other women around. So what started as something I was happy to do, suddenly felt like she was pissing on me to mark her territory. Ok, that is an overstatement, but the point is that it went from feeling like closeness to feeling like a compulsory display of ownership. She ruined this for us. We still did it, but it lost the closeness and innocence for me and became a duty to her to make her feel like all was well in the universe - she got that, I lost some romance.

 

Just like sharing a dessert should be an easy casual thing between a couple, when it is forced it can become an issue. In the OP's case and in mine, the female partner MADE it an issue.

 

Why? Who knows - power, control, insecurity, testing of some sort. I give up.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why? Who knows - power, control, insecurity, testing of some sort. I give up.

Or maybe it's as simple as wanting a bite of dessert without the guilt of ordering one. Congrats, fellow LoveShackers! We must have solved all the big relationship problems if we're debating the marital implications of shared desserts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[FordFocus]

Just tell her,

 

"JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD"

 

She'll get the message.

[threebyfate]

Your wife is being unreasonable if she's ignoring how it bothers you and insists on her way. She's being selfish and inconsiderate.

[xxoo]

Your wife is being unreasonable if she's ignoring how it bothers you and insists on her way. She's being selfish and inconsiderate.

 

I agree.

 

But I suspect it takes two very stubborn people for it to become such a big deal.

 

Where is the problem solving? The humor? The grace?

 

OP, if there were no unresolved pre-nup issue, do you think you would be digging in your heels about a bite of your pie?

[xxoo]

Or maybe it's as simple as wanting a bite of dessert without the guilt of ordering one. Congrats, fellow LoveShackers! We must have solved all the big relationship problems if we're debating the marital implications of shared desserts...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Or as simple as wanting a bite, period. Not wanting to waste money or food to satisfy a desire for a taste.

[carhill]

Nothing like a hurricane in the creme brulee ramekin to get one's blood flowing...

[Lucky_One]

Maybe she thinks you are getting chubby, and she is trying to limit your intake of calories/carbs without telling you that you are eating too much.

 

Maybe she is worried about your heart, and she is trying to limit your intake of saturated fats.

 

Maybe she just wants a bite of dessert. I very rarely order a dessert, because I am full from my dinner and I prefer dessert a few hours later. But I want to taste it.

 

I am not getting all this angst over sharing a dessert??

[threebyfate]

I agree.

 

But I suspect it takes two very stubborn people for it to become such a big deal.

 

Where is the problem solving? The humor? The grace?

I don't think he owes her humor or grace. This is her problem to solve on her own. It's called having respect for your partner's boundaries. To pretend to be the victim in a situation like this while continuously aggravating his annoyance is the sign of a selfish partner.

 

This is key to my marriage. If either one expresses reasonable boundaries, then the other backs off right away. She's the one invading his reasonable boundary, then plays up victim. No sign of respect.

[Art_Critic]

My little 4 year old comes home from Pre-K and uses the phrase "Sharing is Caring"

 

To me there is nothing left to say after that about sharing food...

well.. except never ever eat after a child