TO TONY please read

[jen]

tony, i read your response and appreciate your answering me. however, i did not grow up with any father, just my moms drunken boyfriend and an axx hole for a brother. still does that make sense to feel like i do about other women? i have been this way as far back as i can remember.

 

i use to have female friends, but preferred the company of males, but i do miss the companionship of women but i don't know any.

 

but that is not the problem, the problem is even when i hear my boyfriend just talking to a female i get freaked out inside, i don't say anything most of the time, but at times i get controled by some interior force that makes me dwell and dwell on who she was/is and i can't stop until i find out, then i feel like such a fool and vow to never lower myself like that again, but i do it over and over.

 

i know this sounds confusing, i'm trying to sum things up so this isn't too long, but how do yo explain an intense fear of losing someone to anyone, i mean any female? i feel so threatened by them all especially the pretty ones, and by the one's i've never met either.

 

any other advice? i'm going to go to counseling i think.

 

thank you! sincerely, thank you!

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "i did not grow up

with any father, just my moms drunken boyfriend and an axx hole for a brother. still does that make sense to feel like i do about other women?"

ABSOLUTELY. You grew up in a HIGHLY dyfunctional family where no trust of anykind could be developed. Anyone from your background could have a varieD number of psychopathologies, in your case at least one of them is jealousy and suspicion of associates of your boyfriend.

 

I sincerely hope you can get with a highly competent professional counsellor. It could take you a long time to heal from you childhood wounds and there's no better time to start than RIGHT NOW!!!

 

You situation is not confusing at all. When you were little, you were simply unable to trust anyone...mom, dad, brother...you have no frame of reference for trust. You were emotionally abandoned by all of them. They were just not there for you. It's no wonder that when you find a guy you care about you are terrified he may leave you. That's the abandonment issue you've had for so long.

 

Go get some books on dysfunctional families. Start with those by John Bradshaw...and go from there. I hope you will get into therapy plus do the reading as well.

[jen]

tony, when i read your response i started to cry, mostly out of frustration and mostly out of feeling so helpless and hopeless. this is what happened recently to send me to this board again: thursday night we went out and some girl came over and started talking to him she introduced herself to me and shook my hand, i hated it and pulled my hand back.

 

i drilled him for over an hour about if he had slept with her or not, he insisted he never had, she was not even good looking. well then today i found out he went to lunch to "hooters" with a friend of his. i was livid, picturing those beautiful women with big breast hanging out and my b'f right in the middle of it all.

 

i chewed him out royally and told him i never want him to go to those places again. another thing is there is a co-worker who is quite attractive who runs errands for him now and then, i made him promise me not to have her to that anymore that i would do his running for him, not something i want to do.

 

tony, i can't even stand myself right now. sometimes i can control this others times it just controlls me. i want to leave him so i don't have to keep putting him through this any more. i don't know how long counseling will take to help me, i did actually make an appt. cause i can see how bad i am.

 

i just want to go pack up my stuff right now and leave here and leave him and free him from this prision of love he is in because of me. he has told me that he is afraid of talking to women about business now cause he is afraid of what i'll say or how i'll act or feel.

 

tony i know that that is not right, and if i was him i would of left me a long , long, time ago! i know i need help, but i don't think it is fair to him to be stuck with me in the mean time.

 

i did tell him today that i was going to go to counseling and then the "hooters" thing came up and right away already he is saying "i can't wait until you go to counseling" tell them this and that and he brought up all my past sins, so to speak.

 

i'm going to the library now to find some bradshaw books, wish me luck! God know's i need it!

 

thank you and thank you for not putting me down and chewing me out and making me feel worse then i already do, you can only imagine how horrible i feel about myself and what i do to him. i can never admit to him the extent of my jealousy and fears, he'd never understand, only mock me later for them..........but thanks for listening, i needed that!

YOU WRITE: "i did not grow up ABSOLUTELY. You grew up in a HIGHLY dyfunctional family where no trust of anykind could be developed. Anyone from your background could have a varieD number of psychopathologies, in your case at least one of them is jealousy and suspicion of associates of your boyfriend. I sincerely hope you can get with a highly competent professional counsellor. It could take you a long time to heal from you childhood wounds and there's no better time to start than RIGHT NOW!!! You situation is not confusing at all. When you were little, you were simply unable to trust anyone...mom, dad, brother...you have no frame of reference for trust. You were emotionally abandoned by all of them. They were just not there for you. It's no wonder that when you find a guy you care about you are terrified he may leave you. That's the abandonment issue you've had for so long.

 

Go get some books on dysfunctional families. Start with those by John Bradshaw...and go from there. I hope you will get into therapy plus do the reading as well.

[haydee]

Hi Jen,

 

I totally hear you. I'd go into my background, but I wouldn't consider it 'disfunctional' - and honestly, I wouldn't say that yours is all that screwed up... look how you are... you are healthy and alive, right?

 

Anyway, I wanted to say that I had a problem with jealousy too. Even after my boyfriend and I broke up (not because of that...) I was jealous of every girl he was talking to.

 

Mostly because he was not good to me, and I wondered how he could be so nice to another girl... and how it could be different when he was with me.

 

I came this realization... I had a low self-esteem.

 

For some reason, I had no value for myself.

 

WHen you see him talk to another girl, be happy that he can have healthy realtions with the opposite sex (you do too, don't you? Does he like that you talk to so many guys?)

 

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is, be thanksful that

 

he is with YOU. He may be talking to them, but he comes and holds your hand and kisses your lips.

 

Now, if he is doing those intimate things with the other girls, there is a huge problem.

 

You are a special person, and you deserve the BEST.

 

Think about what you give to others that would make you want to date yourself. If there are some things missing, work on them.

 

But love yourself... then you can love others better.

 

I'll be praying for you!

 

Take care

 

tony, i read your response and appreciate your answering me. however, i did not grow up with any father, just my moms drunken boyfriend and an axx hole for a brother. still does that make sense to feel like i do about other women? i have been this way as far back as i can remember.

 

i use to have female friends, but preferred the company of males, but i do miss the companionship of women but i don't know any. but that is not the problem, the problem is even when i hear my boyfriend just talking to a female i get freaked out inside, i don't say anything most of the time, but at times i get controled by some interior force that makes me dwell and dwell on who she was/is and i can't stop until i find out, then i feel like such a fool and vow to never lower myself like that again, but i do it over and over. i know this sounds confusing, i'm trying to sum things up so this isn't too long, but how do yo explain an intense fear of losing someone to anyone, i mean any female? i feel so threatened by them all especially the pretty ones, and by the one's i've never met either. any other advice? i'm going to go to counseling i think. thank you! sincerely, thank you!

[jen]

Hi Jen, I totally hear you. I'd go into my background, but I wouldn't consider it 'disfunctional' - and honestly, I wouldn't say that yours is all that screwed up... look how you are... you are healthy and alive, right? Anyway, I wanted to say that I had a problem with jealousy too. Even after my boyfriend and I broke up (not because of that...) I was jealous of every girl he was talking to. Mostly because he was not good to me, and I wondered how he could be so nice to another girl... and how it could be different when he was with me. I came this realization... I had a low self-esteem.

 

For some reason, I had no value for myself.

 

WHen you see him talk to another girl, be happy that he can have healthy realtions with the opposite sex (you do too, don't you? Does he like that you talk to so many guys?) Anyway, the point I am trying to make is, be thanksful that he is with YOU. He may be talking to them, but he comes and holds your hand and kisses your lips. Now, if he is doing those intimate things with the other girls, there is a huge problem.

 

You are a special person, and you deserve the BEST. Think about what you give to others that would make you want to date yourself. If there are some things missing, work on them. But love yourself... then you can love others better. I'll be praying for you! Take care

thank you for the props, i really need them. maybe i do have a self-esteem problem, not sure tho but worth reading some more books on while i'm reading this other one by bradshaw called creating love.

 

i underestand what your saying about him loving me and kissing me and being with me, that makes alot of sense too. but what i found interesting is when you said think about what qualitiies i have that would make someone want me or something to that affect.j

 

well i honestly could not think of anything, i have so many hang ups and problems that i'm surprised he has stayed this long, 2 1/2 years! maybe he has problems too for staying with me, lol!

 

anyway when i couldn't think of any reason for someone to want to be with me then i thought about the self-esteem thing, so i'll read some more on the subject and thank you very much for the advice, i really appreciate the help from this board but mostly from those that respond, you and tony.............thank you again! jen