Letter to my fiancee who is a sex addict

[mldavis27804]

I have hit my rock bottom with you.

 

At a time when I am dealing with my grandmother's sudden passing, you chose to seek sex with a stranger. Actually, at that point, he wasn’t a stranger as you’d had sex with him several times earlier.

 

Since late June, you have continued to seek sex with strangers. You have responded to ads, sent pictures to strangers and who knows what else . . .in an effort to feed your addiction.

 

You lied to me repeatedly when I asked you if you had a secret e-mail account.

You lied to me repeatedly when I asked you if you had moved into inner circles.

You lied to me repeatedly about meeting people for sex.

 

You lie so much and so easily that I do not believe anything that you state to me.

 

I have no expectations from you. The one person that I truly wanted expectations from was you! From you, I expect truthfulness, I expect monogamous sex, I expect trust/honesty . . . You are the person I expected these from and you have been the person who taught me that I cannot have these expectations from you, and, in reality, I should have NO expectations from you.

 

I thought you were the ONE PERSON that I could lean on, turn to, be there for me whenever I needed you. You have proven to me over and over that you are not that person to me. I cannot depend on you or count on you. Our relationship is not a priority for you. Our future life together is not a priority for you.

 

I have struggled to understand your sickness/addiction. I have tried to be supportive of you.

 

I am unclear as to your triggers. I don’t even know if you know your triggers. While you are good at repeating the company line, do you ever THINK about what you say and APPLY it to YOU?

 

One trigger for you is loneliness. Well, guess what? I AM LONELY!! I am involved with you and I am lonely.

 

On Sunday, we dropped you off at your apartment. You were asked to come back with us. You said no. Instead, you CHOSE to go to the internet and embark on a frenzy of contacting strangers for sex. You sent out countless e-mails and nude photos of yourself, face bared, penis out, trying to find someone. If you were lonely, why not come home with us?

 

You have acted out so many times over the past few years. It sickens me to think of the number of women and men who you have sought out, had sex with, swallowed semen from, had penetrate your body, taken photos with, had emotional relationships with, performed oral sex with, even spent time with. All these people you chose to be with over and over and over. Your posts on the internet, sending photos to people, telling people what you wanted to do them and what they could do to you.

 

Your body . . . the body that I always loved and enjoyed to touch . . .you chose to expose your body to others . . . the mouth that I kiss is the mouth that is performing oral sex on men and women and kissing strangers mouths.

 

 

YOU have to WANT to end your addiction. Your addiction has hurt so many people. It has literally ruined lives.

 

Since I met you, I have always been supportive of you. I have always wanted you to be happy.

 

YOU made the choice to end your marriage.

 

 

YOU made the choice to have no contact with your sons.

 

 

YOU made the choice to start a relationship with your illegitimate daughter . . .a daughter you sired 18 years ago because you cheated on your wife.

 

YOU realized that you are a sex addict and I support you in that realization.

 

YOU told me that you needed to attend SAA/SA meetings . . .I completely supported that decision and wish that you attended more. Find a sponsor. Find a telephone sponsor. Attend meetings by phone. See a counselor. Keep a journal. DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BEAT THIS ADDICTION.

 

I purchased books for you, asked questions, stayed in daily contact with you as I thought (stupid for me to think so) that hearing my voice might be a red flag for you.

 

You have refused to set up any roadblocks to beat the addiction. There ARE active steps that you can take . . . . you take tiny steps but no leaps.

 

BOTTOM LINE: The addiction will never end until YOU choose to end it.

 

You just can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you.

 

Is it satisfying to contact strangers? Is it satisfying to have sex with strangers? To take photos of yourself having sex with strangers? Do you enjoy your time with these people? When the act is over . . .do you feel good? Loved? Fulfilled? Satisfied? Happy? Do you want to see them again? Take them to the movies? Take them to a football game? Spend Thanksgiving with them? Go to church with them?

 

When we make love . . .afterwards, do you feel good? Loved? Fulfilled? Satisfied? Happy?

 

When we spend time together . . .do you feel good? Loved? Happy? Do you want to see me again? Celebrate life’s events with me? Attend church with me?

[Nyla]

Leave your fiancee. Do not even think of going back to her/him until he has been in therapy for at least a year and sober, which means not having destructive sex.

 

Please do not marry this person. No letter will change the behavior.

[Forever Learning]

Leave your fiancee. Do not even think of going back to her/him until he has been in therapy for at least a year and sober, which means not having destructive sex.

 

Please do not marry this person. No letter will change the behavior.

 

Yes, I agree. You can't change someone else, only your own behavior in this situation.

 

You wrote an excellent post. I have so much sympathy for you.

 

I spent 16 years trying to change an alcoholic/drug addict.

 

Prior to that, I spent 7 years before that with a sex addict/drug addict/alcoholic. They are both exactly the same now as they were years ago, no change, because they never choose to take steps to change.

 

Move on. You may need therapy and anti-depressants to do so, do what ever it takes to move on. Don't waste years of your life as I did. God bless and all the best to you.