whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 After i told him i didn't want us to talk anymore, it was a different kind of sadness. It was like i was empty inside. I couldn't sleep, i can't eat, I've been crying non stop. every time I'd close my eyes I'd see him. I felt so alone, and the pain...not just emotional, actual pain. My body, my head, my eyes are about to burst from swelling, and there's actually pain in my heart/chest. I feel that he's part of me.. That's because you're afraid of feeling this pain, working through it and allowing yourself to grieve the loss. Imagine how you're going to feel later on, in an affair, when he makes love to you, then goes home to his wife, gets busy for a few days and doesn't contact you. Or you call him/text him and he doesn't answer or reply back to you. You said you didn't want to be the OW. You said no affair and you also didn't want to hurt his wife. So, now you'll be hurting yourself MORE, hurting his wife and doing something that (i think?) is against your morals. You think the pain of losing him in bad now, wait until you're in the midst of an affair with him and he gets caught, then really ends it with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 That's not true of me at all. I love him. I know him. He's not some guy i just met. Yes, but you seem to be forgetting something big. HE told you years ago he didn't love you the way you loved him. He never dated you..He met and married someone else. It's one sided. He may love you but not in the way you want him to, free to be all yours. He isn't that single guy, he's a married guy now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Jennifer, just own up to the fact that you are willing to be an OW. The mere fact that you are willing to meet with him shows that you are wiling to lie and deceive and betray your morals to be with him. You could have taken care of this over the phone by telling him to not contact you. You could have refrained from calling him. You could still not meet him and regain your dignity. But you won't, because you love him.... Well, we can all guarantee that you are going to end up hurting that much more because of his wife. You are going to hurt yourself and you are going to hurt others as well. Why can't you put yourself in the Wife's position? What if you were married to him and you learned that he had this yearning for another woman? How would you feel about this other woman who was hell-bent on destroying your marriage? I'm not even a Christian but in this case, "Do unto others..." should suffice. But apparently it can't for you because your NEED for this other person is blowing everything else out of the water and for that, we are sorry for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 I feel kinda dumb asking this but... What does "D day"mean? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 I feel kinda dumb asking this but... What does "D day"mean? Discovery day of the affair by the betrayed spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) I feel kinda dumb asking this but... What does "D day"mean? Former OW here. D Day means when the wife finds out about the affair. And when she finds out, he will throw you under the bus. When she finds out, he will run and hide in his marriage. They never leave. And he's already showing you that he won't. When you say even a little of him will make you feel better than you feel now. I have to correct you. When you are in the affair, please believe me that you will feel 100 times worse than what you feel now. Visualize. He will have sex with you, say the sweetest things. Roll and tumble in bed. Stare in your eyes longingly. Then he will look at his watch and tell you he has to leave. He checks his phone and wife has left 3 messages and he's panicking. He dresses and gives you a quick kiss and walks out. You sit at the edge of the bed sad and uncertain. You can smell him on you. It's a sickening feeling. You can't even call him like you would call a boyfriend and just have meaningless talk. When will you see him again? That's up to him and when he can run away from his wife. You wait. When you're sick and you're alone and you need someone to care for you. He won't be there for you. You can't just pick up the phone and call. He is with his wife. And if he has a child, and it will happen, you will fall even further down the totem pole. It's X'mas morning. You sit depressed in your pajamas wondering what he's doing with his wife. Did he have sex with her last night? What did he buy her for X'mas? Are they cuddling on the couch sipping cocoa together? It's New Years! Are they drunk and at a party? You can't call him to wish him at midnight. You wonder if they're going home to have drunk hot sex. It's Thanksgiving and he calls you the day before telling you his plans and what he's cooking. You get off the phone and all you can think about is both of them in the kitchen basting a turkey, laughing and loving each other, enjoying the holiday with their families. He tells you he is going on a vacation to the Caribbean. For a week all you do is sit and wonder how she looks in a bathing suit and every night you wonder if they're making love. You wish you could go on vacation with him. Well, you can't. I can go on and on. Yes, he will give you a temporary relief to the pain you feel now, but when you become an OW, you will experience a bottomless pit of pain. And it's one of the most difficult situations to remove yourself from. My hair was shedding, I lost weight, I was crying every week, the wife nearly found out and the stress and fear was unimaginable. One moment he loved me and wanted to be with me, and the next he couldn't leave her. I never felt so broken in my life. If you can be a HOW - Happy OW, and you still want the affair, then do what you want. But if you can't handle it and have expectations, please read and use your brain. Love has no place in these types of unhealthy situations. Good luck to you. Be smart. Fly solo. It's much more rewarding than settling for an affair. Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed url 9 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 And you have no idea how much thought I've put into this.. And THAT alone should be your indication that your selling YOURSELF short. When things are good and right - you should have to compromise your morals. You should be and can make decisions that make you proud of yourself...but seeing him isn't going to do that for you...and sleeping with him is only going to make YOU think less of YOURSELF for stooping to that level. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 @Zahara I have to say, that was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever read. And i don't want that for myself. I never imagined I'd be the other woman in his life. But all i can think of right now its holding him in my arms, kissing him, making love to him...its all i can think of. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 @Zahara I have to say, that was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever read. And i don't want that for myself. I never imagined I'd be the other woman in his life. But all i can think of right now its holding him in my arms, kissing him, making love to him...its all i can think of. Seems you are just lonely. You need to stay busy - so busy that you don't have one minute to even think of him. Do you work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 Seems you are just lonely. You need to stay busy - so busy that you don't have one minute to even think of him. Do you work? Yes, I'm a financial advisor for chase back in Manhattan. I also do yoga instructions 3 nights a week. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Yes, I'm a financial advisor for chase back in Manhattan. I also do yoga instructions 3 nights a week. Then start volunteering for less fortunate folks - so you don't have time to think so much about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 As many of us who have been on these destructive, obsessive paths (where you literally *can't* think of anything but...), I look forward to the day when Jennifer posts the, "I can't believe I acted that way" thread. It WILL happen. You are in a vicious cycle because you are allowing yourself to be in one where you think of nothing but him. And it won't stop until you either cut him out of your life COMPLETELY (which we now believe you won't do) or succumb and suffer further, for which we pity you mightily. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 Jennifer, I really believe you need to start dating *single* men. I know that that will take your mind of this man. You might not think it will, but when you find a nice, decent man, it will. Try it. I've been with other guys. I've tried dating and have even gotten a few butterflies, but i keep falling back to Josh. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 I've been with other guys. I've tried dating and have even gotten a few butterflies, but i keep falling back to Josh. Well stop falling back to him - he made a decision to marry someone else! Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Yes, I'm a financial advisor for chase back in Manhattan. I also do yoga instructions 3 nights a week. I hope somebody in real life figures out who Josh is and lets his wife know what a big piece of s*** he married. That's your only salvation, because you are absolutely lost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 (edited) Jennifer, how degrading that you would even consider this man after you told him to make a choice between you and his wife and he told you to "take care". Where is your self-respect? I haven't done anything, and i don't even know if it will come to that. I called him here to talk and better understand him. I haven't done anything wrong Edited October 26, 2012 by jennifernyc84 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Something else Jennifer..........your posts indicate that you won't be able to handle being the ow, not at all. You are already this messed up over this guy, no way can you deal with all the extra bs that comes along with it. It will push you over the edge and then when there is a d day, you'll go all bunny boiler on them. You really shouldn't do this to yourself, but it's your choice. This is what I thought too. Josh has no idea the hell he's in for when the sh*t hits the fan and his OW goes psycho on him. He's gonna wish he picked a different kind of mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 @Zahara I have to say, that was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever read. And i don't want that for myself. I never imagined I'd be the other woman in his life. But all i can think of right now its holding him in my arms, kissing him, making love to him...its all i can think of. If that's all you can think of then my guess is that you will definitely be having sex with him this weekend. You will probably get a high from it and feel wonderful. You will think that you are happy and that you don't require anything more than what you you're getting, an affair. It won't last. You will start wanting more and as soon as that happens Josh will start giving you less. You will be glued to your phone and your house on the off chance that Josh is going to call you or maybe get away from the house to come over and have sex. Soon you will be so desperate and pathetic that even you won't recogonize yourself. Not saying that all OW are desperate and pathetic, many are not, but you are showing the characteristics of one who will become pathetic and desperate. The affair hasn't even started yet and you are already acting all desperate, crazy and out of control. That's only going to get worse. Oh and by the way you have already given him a clear message that you are weak and that your words are meaningless. You gave him that big speech about finding you when he's free and single and now just a few days later you're calling him over to your apartment. Way to go! Why not just wear a big sign that says "Don't listen to me. I don't mean anything I say" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 That's not true of me at all. I love him. I know him. He's not some guy i just met. If you truly, truly loved him you wouldn't want to break up his marriage. People who love want the best for the person they love and attempting an affair is destructive. You love you Jennifer. But all i can think of right now its holding him in my arms, kissing him, making love to him...its all i can think of. This proves that you know exactly what is going to happen when he comes over to your apartment. If you didn't want these things to happen you would say whatever you need to say over the phone or at least meet him in a public place. You want to be alone with him so these things will happen. Yes, I'm a financial advisor for chase back in Manhattan. I also do yoga instructions 3 nights a week. What you need to do is get a social life and friends. Sitting around your apartment thinking about someone else's husband and wallowing in self pity has never helped anyone. If you are a smart woman you should know that you have to take control of your emotions and pull yourself up out of the gutter. I don't buy the "I'm too weak for him" bit. You just want him at any cost. I haven't done anything, and i don't even know if it will come to that. I called him here to talk and better understand him. I haven't done anything wrong You called him over for more than just talking Jennifer and you know it. You could talk to him over the phone. You can lie to us but stop lying to yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 I said i called him to the city, i never said i called him to my apt. Look, I'm not sure at all what will happen tomorrow. The only thing i am sure of is that I'm meeting him and that i care for him. I cannot disregard this, i can't.. How can i? Why should i? I have to see what happens.. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Better understand him? How many more years will it take for you to understand he uses you in order to feel good about himself? This is why you're OW material. You are willing to accept feeling bad . . . so he can feel good. I just felt like this should be reposted, in case it was overlooked the first time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 Better understand him? How many more years will it take for you to understand he uses you in order to feel good about himself? This is why you're OW material. You are willing to accept feeling bad . . . so he can feel good. Yes, i WANT to make him feel good. I want to be the one to make him feel good. All I've every wanted is to make him happy. I also want myself to be happy. I'd rather take the pain and have him, then take the pain anyway plus not have him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Yes, i WANT to make him feel good. I want to be the one to make him feel good. All I've every wanted is to make him happy. I also want myself to be happy. I'd rather take the pain and have him, then take the pain anyway plus not have him. Then GO AHEAD! You will feel what you're going to feel. And you obviously will DO whatever YOU want - no matter who gets hurt... Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 Yes, i WANT to make him feel good. I want to be the one to make him feel good. All I've every wanted is to make him happy. I also want myself to be happy. I'd rather take the pain and have him, then take the pain anyway plus not have him. While he seems more than happy to allow you and his wife to share certain parts of his anatomy, you do not 'have him'. His wife has him. Not that he deserves either of you. If he wanted you to have him, he'd have done this when he was single. He didn't. Keep reminding yourself of that. He didn't want you until he couldn't have you. Having an affair with him is like putting a band aid on a gushing wound. It will stop the flow of pain for a while but it will only make things worse in the end. But you seem determined to find that out on your own..so we'll see you back here in a few months when this ends badly. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 26, 2012 Share Posted October 26, 2012 I'd rather take the pain and have him, then take the pain anyway plus not have him. Oh ,you have yet, to experience the pain, that will follow with "having" him. Alls' I'm gonna say is hold onto the seat of your pants young lady. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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