He said he loves me..but he's married

[ThatJustHappened]

I'd rather take the pain and have him, then take the pain anyway plus not have him.

 

Oh ,you have yet, to experience the pain, that will follow with "having" him.

Alls' I'm gonna say is hold onto the seat of your pants young lady.

 

Oh I'm sure he will be taking good care of the seat of her pants.

[whichwayisup]

I've been with other guys. I've tried dating and have even gotten a few butterflies, but i keep falling back to Josh.

 

I haven't done anything, and i don't even know if it will come to that. I called him here to talk and better understand him.

 

I haven't done anything wrong

 

I said i called him to the city, i never said i called him to my apt.

Look, I'm not sure at all what will happen tomorrow.

The only thing i am sure of is that I'm meeting him and that i care for him.

I cannot disregard this, i can't..

 

How can i? Why should i? I have to see what happens..

 

Yes, i WANT to make him feel good.

I want to be the one to make him feel good.

All I've every wanted is to make him happy.

 

I also want myself to be happy.

I'd rather take the pain and have him, then take the pain anyway plus not have him.

 

Somethings off here. You keep saying you don't want to be the OW, you don't want to hurt his wife, you don't want an affair. Your words switch up then you say (the bolded, see above) - HE IS MARRIED. He isn't yours. He never was.

 

Jen, decide what you're going to do and DO IT. Whether it be a full on affair or totally walking away. Though I really hope you decide to walk away before your world crashes in and you lose "you" and become someone you'll despise.

[weedsandposies]

Wow. I had to comment because I don't think I've seen another thread on here where everyone agrees!

 

JENNIFER, I read through the entire thread and I went through a similar situation. I didn't know about this site otherwise I would've posted before commencing my affair. But you know what, I wouldn't have listened and just carryed on anyway.. . As you too will do.

 

Sometimes the best way out of a situation is to hit rock bottom...as been said here over and over you will most likely. Don't think you will have sex with and he will think it's so wonderful that he will run home to divorce his wife. Men don't behave this way.

 

Good luck, please use protection. Don't do something stupid and get pregnant, he still ownt leave his wife. How do I know? Because that's what he told you and showed you.

[jennifernyc84]

Wow. I had to comment because I don't think I've seen another thread on here where everyone agrees!

 

JENNIFER, I read through the entire thread and I went through a similar situation. I didn't know about this site otherwise I would've posted before commencing my affair. But you know what, I wouldn't have listened and just carryed on anyway.. . As you too will do.

 

Sometimes the best way out of a situation is to hit rock bottom...as been said here over and over you will most likely. Don't think you will have sex with and he will think it's so wonderful that he will run home to divorce his wife. Men don't behave this way.

 

Good luck, please use protection. Don't do something stupid and get pregnant, he still ownt leave his wife. How do I know? Because that's what he told you and showed you.

 

 

He didn't say he'd never leave her. He said he didn't know.

Who can be sure he won't? People change their minds all the time.

[2sunny]

So he kept texting me last night and i was going to text him back but i figured his wife might see the text, so i called him this morning. He asked if i was angry at him, i said no, and i told him i love him. I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said.

I don't know how i got the strength to do that. It took alot out of me. Like i ripped my own heart out of my chest. Imagine winning the lottery, and saying, no thanks, I'm good. I feel worse now than every before. After what i went thru when he got married i promised myself I'd never cry over him again. I'm telling you this is so much worst. I gave him up. I he'll never leave her now. If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. I feel like dying inside. How did this happen to me?i don't deserve this.

 

He still not leaving her - he's just asking if you think so little of yourself - that you might consider being an easy lay FOR HIM.

 

And he's gonna be sure you are clear that he's not changing his life to meet YOUR needs...

 

If you do this - it's to sign up to service HIS unmet needs.

 

Expect to be heart broken a LOT!

[2sunny]

And sleeping with another woman's husband is a choice too - that comes with consequences.

[jennifernyc84]

Not only should you expect it, you walked in it with your eyes wide open and having been warned by many people. I didn't have the benefit of LS for my education in affairs. I learned the hard way.....the school or hard knocks.

 

That's why I feel no pity for you. It's a choice and your claim to be smart and successful is negated by your poor choices in regards to this man. It IS A CHOICE! Love is a choice!

 

Its it? Is it a choice? Is it a choice when no matter how hard you try to NOT think of him, everything, every SINGLE thing you see, do, hear, eat, every place you go, everything reminds of him? Is it a choice when you actually think you're doing ok and gain a little bit of strength, then you have this stupid dream where you're with him and you get a total relapse?

No i don't think so.

Its sooooo not a choice....

[weedsandposies]

He didn't say he'd never leave her. He said he didn't know.

Who can be sure he won't? People change their minds all the time.

 

Because he said he loves you and that affirmation wasn't immediately followed by I'm going home to pack my things, I NEED to be with you. Instead it was 'take care'...how utterly disresptful. You should he pissed! But many posters have already tried sheding light on this.

 

The truth is you can never onow until you go through with the affair.. .emphasis on affair. Do not expect him to have an epiphany once he's had you because you will already be the past, used goods.

 

I was born and raised in this city... it can be a cold and lonely place. But the adage that all the goods ones are taken or gay is not true. They are busy working or serving society, not preying on woman. This man is a cheater. One of the bad ones.

 

With that said... I have a friend who moved to here, followed a guy (is this what you did? )she loved her entire life, hoping one day he'd change his mind and be with her. That never happened. He still with his wife. She has dated but never got over this guy. If you truly feel this is the only way you'll move on, do it. You have been forewarned unanimously by everyone here.

[whichwayisup]

Its it? Is it a choice? Is it a choice when no matter how hard you try to NOT think of him, everything, every SINGLE thing you see, do, hear, eat, every place you go, everything reminds of him? Is it a choice when you actually think you're doing ok and gain a little bit of strength, then you have this stupid dream where you're with him and you get a total relapse?

No i don't think so.

Its sooooo not a choice....

 

It is a choice. One that you're afraid to lose...Afraid to feel pain, the loss of him being in your life. You are choosing to keep him in your life so you won't "lose" him forever (aka never see or hear from him again). You are hurting yourself now, doing bad damage because you'll never ever find a (single) man to fall in love with, marry and have children with because you're hell bent on having this guy in your life, hanging onto hope that 'one day' he'll wake up and leave his wife for you.

 

You're not doing anything to get out of the habit of thinking of him. You're not detaching or focusing on other things in your life. You're not being pro active in changing, or getting therapy (excuse - "I don't believe in therapy" is a total cop out, letting fear of change rule your life and keep you where and what you know best) or really wanting to take control.

[Owl]

At this point, there's nothing left to be said. Now it's just time to sit back and watch.

 

There is NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that anyone can tell her at this point to try to get her to see a different point of view.

 

It's futile and a waste of energy to try.

 

Right now, we sit back and watch...just like viewing the slow motion replay of a train wreck. You know what's gonna happen...but we're powerless to affect it because she will NOT accept anything that doesn't coincide with what she wants.

[MissBee]

He didn't say he'd never leave her. He said he didn't know.

Who can be sure he won't? People change their minds all the time.

 

Why bet on that slim chance???

 

Don't you want someone 100% certain about you, versus where they "don't know"?

 

Someone doesn't have to say "never" for it to mean never. Usually when people want to avoid conflict or make their position gray and indefinite they'll often say they don't know or maybe, or someday...all of which they know will be signs of hope for the naive and desperate..I'm sorry, I have to be blunt. If I go on a date with a man, for example, at the end of the evening I should KNOW for sure where we stand. That is, we've already made new plans for another date or he calls me soon after, the next day or couple days to make new plans. When a man was really into me, that's how it went. When at the end of the date a man "doesn't know", "we'll see" or he simply doesn't bring it up...suffice to say, he is just not that into you and is letting you down gently enough, where hopefully, if you are naive enough, he can pick you back up later if other things don't work out.

 

Your situation sounds like this...you have no certainty yet you're pinning your hopes on the off chance that he decides to leave his wife. Good luck, but I do hope you aim higher.

[2sunny]

Its it? Is it a choice? Is it a choice when no matter how hard you try to NOT think of him, everything, every SINGLE thing you see, do, hear, eat, every place you go, everything reminds of him? Is it a choice when you actually think you're doing ok and gain a little bit of strength, then you have this stupid dream where you're with him and you get a total relapse?

No i don't think so.

Its sooooo not a choice....

 

Yes. It certainly IS a choice!

 

You have very self destructive thoughts which look like they will now be followed up with self destructive behavior.

 

You need help.

 

I'd suggest getting to a counselor before you take action to see him.

 

Action... Yes THAT is a choice too.

 

It's hard to feel anything for you when you are he'll bent on causing harm. Harm to self AND harm to OTHERS by YOUR choices!

 

Choose wisely!!!!!

 

Once you allow him inside you - you can NEVER undo that.

[alexandria35]

Its it? Is it a choice? Is it a choice when no matter how hard you try to NOT think of him, everything, every SINGLE thing you see, do, hear, eat, every place you go, everything reminds of him? Is it a choice when you actually think you're doing ok and gain a little bit of strength, then you have this stupid dream where you're with him and you get a total relapse?

No i don't think so.

Its sooooo not a choice....

 

Oh stop being such a drama queen. Have you ever lost a loved one to death? I did at the end of August and sometimes I feel like I'm in hell. I can't describe how painful it is and I truly didn't get a choice. Sometimes I feel like I want to die myself. However I'm still here and my life is still worth living and so I get up everyday and live. There are many bad days, still way more bad days then there are good days but since I'm not going to kill myself I know I have no choice but to continue on and do my best to heal. I know that as much as I'm grieving and hurting there is more to my life then just that one relationship with that one person and I owe it to myself, to my other loved ones and even to my departed loved one to honor my life and live it fully in as healthy a manner as I can.

 

You do have a choice and right now you are choosing to wallow in this angst filled drama and make believe that this married guy is the be all and end all to your life and happiness. Please grow up and try to remember that everyone or nearly everyone has lost somebody that they deeply love and care for and it's often really not a choice.

[jennifernyc84]

My stomach is in knots, i can't sleep, I'm extremely nervous about tomorrow.

He said he'd be here by noon.

[Tenacity]

OMG.... I hate to read these posts. I wish there was some magic button I could push to let people see their future when they make these choices.

 

OP, even if he does love you, it doesn't matter. What matters is that he isn't WITH you. He has a WIFE. He has no intentions of leaving his wife.

 

Wow, you are very young... so is he.

 

Where do you see yourself in a year... two years... how about five? Are you convinced he is going to leave her, or do you just not want to think about that now because you want to enjoy an affair NOW? What about a few years from now, when he's STILL with his W... and their kids... and you have nothing?

 

I spent WAY more than 5 years in an A with a man I felt the same way about, and even though he loved me, he is still with his W.

 

You mentioned how hard it is to ignore your feelings for this guy. I will tell you what is infinitely HARDER... and that is to get over him after years of an affair with him, after you finally get it in your head that he's not going to leave his W. That is so much harder I can't even put it into words. I've been in both places.

 

At least my ex-MM spent the first year telling me he was getting divorced. This one isn't even doing that - he knows he doesn't need to.

 

I wish you luck.

[Scarlett5]

Sometimes you just have to make your own mistakes and learn from them the hard way, despite the advice given....as many of you well know. That's just life. The advice eventually clicks into place though when you see it happening for yourself, and soon you're the one giving out the same advice you were so reluctant to take.

 

Let us know how you get on Jennifer, not a nice situation to be in, but I wish you the best of luck.

[stillafool]

My stomach is in knots, i can't sleep, I'm extremely nervous about tomorrow.

He said he'd be here by noon.

 

Where is he going to meet you?

[jennifernyc84]

So he'll be here in less than an hour. We're going to have lunch, that's all. Just lunch.

And i told him I'd meet him at the place.

I'm not, i repeat, i am NOT going to have sex with him.

Not unless we do it on the table, in the middle of the restaurant.

And i don't think its that kind of place.

Its just lunch guys, cool it with the remarks

[2sunny]

It may not be sex today - but meeting him today is way more than lunch.

 

And if you don't see what this lunch represents - you are fooling yourself.

[whichwayisup]

So he'll be here in less than an hour. We're going to have lunch, that's all. Just lunch.

And i told him I'd meet him at the place.

I'm not, i repeat, i am NOT going to have sex with him.

Not unless we do it on the table, in the middle of the restaurant.

And i don't think its that kind of place.

Its just lunch guys, cool it with the remarks

 

Obviously it's just a lunch so no sex is going to take place, but it does open the door to future meetings.... A kiss can still happen if you make a move on him or you allow it if he makes a move on you.

 

My guess is, he's going to tell you more or less the same of what you already know deep down. He isn't leaving his wife, but he does have some feelings for you. You two will talk about what can happen/will happen, possibly an affair or keeping things as an emotional affair.

 

Unless he shows up with divorce papers in his hands - I wouldn't get your hopes up for much.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok, so he left about 40 mins ago.

 

We spent 8 hours together. It was really good. We talked, laughed watched old home movies from when we were kids.

 

Then he kissed me and I'm ashamed to say that we did have sex...

 

I'm so embarrassed..i don't feel bad about it, I'm just really ashamed of myself.

I probably won't be posting anymore, thank you guys for your advice.

 

I'm sorry for wasting your time.. I won't bother you guys anymore

[CarrieT]

Yesterday:

I'm not, i repeat, i am NOT going to have sex with him.

 

Today:

I'm ashamed to say that we did have sex...

 

Yep. We called it.

 

 

 

I probably won't be posting anymore, thank you guys for your advice.

 

I'm sorry for wasting your time.. I won't bother you guys anymore

You haven't wasted our time, Jennifer. We are just sad for you and will continue to be hear as you go through this process. At this point, you probably need us even more - to learn what it is like to be an Other Woman and how to emotionally deal with the abandonment issues you are going to experience...

[veryhappy]

Oh, what a great weekend Josh is having. Now, tell us, at least was the sex worth it?

 

Any plans on how to protect yourself in this affair?

[jennifernyc84]

Oh, what a great weekend Josh is having. Now, tell us, at least was the sex worth it?

 

Any plans on how to protect yourself in this affair?

 

The sex was insanely good.

 

I don't know if it was really that great as i felt it was, or if it was just my body responding to him so well.

[InThePinc]

Bottom line here is he is married. He isn't yours, he belongs to someone else. You cannot go there with this man. It doesn't matter whether his feelings are real or not you cannot betray his wife. Put yourself in her shoes! How would you feel? He is married and you need to leave him alone! Anything else would be selfish and cheap!