Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 I'm ok. I still don't have power, so trying to save my battery. I talked to Josh, his house is really bad. He lives near the shore in NJ and they got it the worst. He's gonna come see me tomorrow. I guess we'll see what happens..hr said he needed to talk to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Heartdefeated Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 He needs to "talk". Riiiiiiight....is that what they call it these days? Be strong and don't give in to sex. That's what he wants from you. Try to not have sex with him and see if his "love" for you falters. Then you can move on. A wise man once told me that no in this world is more worthy of your love than yourself. You have total control. You are not a walking vagina without a mind of its own. Be a woman and stand up for yourself. If he bails if you withhold sex until he divorces, than he only sees you as a "fun time gal" and nothing else. Prove all of us naysayers on this board that he loves you by acting like a lady, not a w*ore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 I'm ok. I still don't have power, so trying to save my battery. I talked to Josh, his house is really bad. He lives near the shore in NJ and they got it the worst. He's gonna come see me tomorrow. I guess we'll see what happens..hr said he needed to talk to me. Keep in mind this may be the "talk" that asks you to wait and he needs more time because of the devastation to his home. I hope you don't wait and see it for what it is, yet another ploy. I have no doubt there's devastation, however if a man really wants to leave, nothing is going to stop him. Even this. I know of 2 women whose husbands left them during times of extreme stress in the wives life. One had a miscarriage and another just started a very intense degree program. I can't say I respect the men period of course, but they did leave in less than ideal circumstances. Regardless of what he has to do, there's never going to be good timing to tell her. Cruel to break her heart during this devastation? Well it was cruel to sleep with you while married to her. If you want to believe that phone sex and booty calls are going to be what wins his heart in the long run, well I guess you'll just have to see for yourself it's not. It sucks bc this is the perfect stall tactic to tell you and to sympathize with him. But you shouldn't. He's hurting her more by playing this game. And all you're going to do is wait longer for something that won't happen, sustaining yourself on the crumbs. Because he's going to be even more busy now and you'll just have to understand the scraps of time when he chooses to get away. It's all a choice Jennifer. Nothing is impossible if he wanted it. It would be good somewhat for your sake if Josh tells you he's sorry but he can't continue this and he's going to be to busy to give you what you deserve, but from what you wrote about him and the 2am phone sex, he's too self absorbed to think about what would be good for you. I'm glad you're okay, stay safe and let us know when you have power and things are good. I hope even though this thread is really long the mods will keep it open so you can let us know how you're faring. Be well and keep thinking Jen. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett5 Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 If he has any sincerity at all Jennifer, then you have more control than you realise right now. Sleeping with him again will just give him reason to stay with his wife and your control will be gone - if he has the best of both worlds, where is the incentive to change. Just remember what you want from this and remember that sex is not the way to get it. Don't lose sight of that. Good luck and I'm glad you're ok in that awful storm! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 Josh hasn't even told you he is gonna leave, right? Not yet, no. But he wants to talk to me, i have no idea about what. He doesn't sound good though. His house is really bad, and i think he's upset about that, but i feel like there's more to why he's upset. I'm really worried about him.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 IF he wants to "talk" - he is capable of TALKING over the phone, right? Do not SEE him! Talk can be done by phone! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Share Posted October 30, 2012 IF he wants to "talk" - he is capable of TALKING over the phone, right? Do not SEE him! Talk can be done by phone! You're right, but it sounded like something was wrong. He sounded serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 If he has a lick of sense he is going to tell you that he is sorry but this can't continue because he sees that he is hurting you, his wife and himself. That's what i thought, too. I guess we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 It would be the best thing for you, you aren't strong enough to stop. You know something, i really do wish i would've listened to you guys. This sucks. At least before i knew where i stood with him..we were friends. Now, i have no idea what the hell we are. I have no idea when this will end, if he'll ever leave her, if what he's saying is true. All i know is that, I'm here, alone, freezing, with no power, and he's with her. Together. Wherever they are, wherever the case, they're together. Its got to be better then where i am. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 You know you can't go back to being just friends now right? Either he has to leave his wife and be with you, or you guys have to stop speaking all together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 You know you can't go back to being just friends now right? Either he has to leave his wife and be with you, or you guys have to stop speaking all together. I know that. And that why I'm so mad at myself, and him for making me do this... I'm just..I'm sorry, I'm an emotional mess right now. I wish i was with him instead of all alone.. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 As painful as this is for you now, Jen, it is somewhat of a relief you are learning the lesson early on; so many OW go YEARS feeling what you are now. This means there is hope you will break the cycle of your pain early. It isn't worth the hurt, is it? And being alone, cold, and questioning what he is doing... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 This will pass. I guarantee it. You should really consider therapy. It helps a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) I know that. And that why I'm so mad at myself, and him for making me do this... I'm just..I'm sorry, I'm an emotional mess right now. I wish i was with him instead of all alone.. And imagine how you will feel spending every holiday alone. This is nothing. As I said once before, this is just the beginning of a bottomless pit of pain. Highest of highs and lowest of lows. Edited October 31, 2012 by Zahara 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I know that. And that why I'm so mad at myself, and him for making me do this... I'm just..I'm sorry, I'm an emotional mess right now. I wish i was with him instead of all alone.. Own up right now - he didn't "make" you do anything you didn't want and actively seek. You are just as culpable for the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I've always wondered, how could he not love me? We're perfect fir each other, why doesn't he see it? My mind could never accept the fact that it wasn't meant to be. So when he began to tell me these things, its all i could think of...my heart was like "finally! I knew it". But being alone in the worst storm the east coast had ever seen, was my breaking point. I was scared **** and he couldn't even find the time to call me..i was so worried about him. I called him, and he didn't even ask if i was scared...that realllllly hurt, a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I know that. And that why I'm so mad at myself, and him for making me do this... I'm just..I'm sorry, I'm an emotional mess right now. I wish i was with him instead of all alone.. Okay are you starting to understand what we were saying and why? Right now you wish you were with him, but he's not there. Even though you spent this self described awesome time together, he's choosing another, that's crap for you Jennifer. You said you had an insane good time with him, connection and all. In the light of day and after the glow, how is it now? Is it keeping you warm? While you're alone and going through this horrible aftermath of the storm and he's not there, do you smile with the memories or do you feel hollow and moreso wtf? This is what we were trying to prevent for you, the nights like these. Supposedly thinking you have someone, but being more lonely than if you were alone on your own. I am so not trying to hurt you, I want you to think Jennifer. THINK! This isn't good for you. Even this waiting for him to come over to tell you what HE decided one way or another. Really? You have no more say in your life than what HE wants? C'mon Jennifer find your pride and stand behind it. Don't give in. Nothing short of a divorce and proof thereof that he really wants you aside from sex will do. You have the strength, use it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I just wish i didn't feel so strongly for him. Its crazy. I've never felt like this for any guy, ever. He really isn't a bad person. You don't know, you've never met him. He's the nicest, funniest, smartest, caring most sensitive guy i know. He's also really insanely good looking. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I just wish i didn't feel so strongly for him. Its crazy. I've never felt like this for any guy, ever. He really isn't a bad person. You don't know, you've never met him. He's the nicest, funniest, smartest, caring most sensitive guy i know. He's also really insanely good looking. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me It's not that he's maliciously trying to hurt you..it's that he doesn't care whether or not he does. He knows how you feel about him. If he cared about hurting you, he would leave you alone. What he's doing is worse than intentionally hurting you..he's completely disregarding your feelings altogether. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He may not mean to hurt you, but he's not exactly moving to minimize your pain. He's being selfish. Someone here once told me that just because you say he's not a bad person means he's necessarily a good one. Granted, I'm not best person to give advice, but I do agree that a not bad person does not equate to a good one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He's the nicest, funniest, smartest, caring most sensitive guy i know. He's also really insanely good looking. So was my exMM. Trust me J. You aren't different and your A isn't special. We are all smart women too.... we didn't fall in love with men who were any different than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minka333 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Dear, no matter how much a guy cares/loves you..if his hands are tied and is not willing to wiggle out of the chains that bind him..then your love will just aimlessly float in a state of limbo..you will both just go in circles..you will forever be thirsty and hungry for something that is elusive.. I saw that very same thing happened to my own grandma. She separated from her first husband. Met the man that became the greatest love of her life. They had a lovechild which is my mom. But eventually, he still married another woman. It broke her heart. But she closed her mind/heart to other men. For her he is the ONLY one. At first they were ok, they continued to declare their love and promises. But as time went by, his communication waned. He settled for the comforts and security of being with his wife. Plus, he is one of those men who cares too much about what society will say. Year after year i would see my grandma staring into space. She would tell us the same stories over and over..recollections from her past. Her heartaches/frustrations. She babbled out of loneliness. How sad it is to be alone at night. What might have been...etc..etc* I was so young then, so i didn't understand much about affairs of the heart, i would just listen half-heartedly..but i can still vividly remember seeing the constant pain in her eyes. As a kid, i can only hug her and try to make her feel better. But those sad eyes remained... My family would visit my grandpa on special occasions but he almost never asked about her. I just saw him happy/contented staying with his devoted wife She turned 40,50,60,70 and waited and waited. She was a very stubborn lady. Despite the fact that this man wasn't going back she never lost hope. She was contented and happy with his thoughts but lonely facing the reality. She always said how much she misses him and that one day they will still be together.. Up until she died at the age of 82, that dream never happened. I was very sad for her. Her story is just one of the millions of unconditional love that happens and passes. A love that transcends time and space. My grandpa died 2 years later in the arms of his wife. Fate may have been cruel to them in this lifetime. But who knows, they might finally be together now... OP, you might tread in the same path if he decides to stay with his wife. It is your choice. Your life. But if that will make you happy, who are we to go against it.* It is really all up to you... Wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Wow, minka, what a sad story. That is exactly how i feel for Josh. I don't want to end up alone just sitting and waiting for a chance that he may or may not pick me. I want to move on. I do..that's what i was doing. but when Josh said those things to me, my world stopped. I could have been married, had kids, lived in another country, it wouldn't have mattered. All that i knew was he said he loved me. Do you know how it feels to have that person, the one you'll do anything for, tell you he loves you? Its a feeling i can't explain. I would have moved heaven and earth to get to where he was. And he knew it....and now look what I've become. something I've never thought I'd be... I'm not a whore, I'm not a slut... But that its exactly what I've become Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 So was my exMM. Trust me J. You aren't different and your A isn't special. We are all smart women too.... we didn't fall in love with men who were any different than this. Even if I'm not, that's how he makes me feel Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I've always wondered, how could he not love me? We're perfect fir each other, why doesn't he see it? My mind could never accept the fact that it wasn't meant to be. So when he began to tell me these things, its all i could think of...my heart was like "finally! I knew it". But being alone in the worst storm the east coast had ever seen, was my breaking point. I was scared **** and he couldn't even find the time to call me..i was so worried about him. I called him, and he didn't even ask if i was scared...that realllllly hurt, a lot. One sided love doesn't ever work. Now you know this. He manipulated you for sex, gave you lines of love and rainbows that you'd be together one day, and have children. He lied. MM lie to their OW's to keep them on their toes, to keep them interested and to give them hope for a 'one day' but sadly that one day never comes..And as time goes on many OW end up realizing this too and end it. I hope you see that you're worth more than a roll in the hay. He really hasn't treated you with care and respect - AS a friend. He is not a friend anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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