alexandria35 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Hey, guys. Long day for me, sorry for not responding. A few things i wanna clear up, First, i still don't have power. Second, for the people saying I'm Tara, I'm not. I'm me And last but not least, for the people saying I'm making this up. HA! I wish i was. Does it really sound that bad? he called me at about 10pm. We had a realllllllllllly long talk. I demanded answers from him, and he finally opened up. I asked what really brought all this up? Why, after all these years, did he decide to fall for me now. He said that he's actually been having feelings for me for the past few months. He told me that he and his wife have been going thru alot lately. She wants a baby, he doesn't. He said having a baby with her is not what something he can imagine. He wants kids, but not with her. When he thinks about having kids, being a dad, he thinks of me. That's what made him fall in love with me. He wants me as a wife,a mother of his children, a partner. I told him i want the same, but he needs to deal with his wife properly. He told me that he does care for her, but she's not the woman he thought she was. The bolded is what really highlights what is going on with Josh. He is immature and marriage isn't the happy go lucky life he thought it was going to be. His wife is growing up and wants the life that grown up couples have. She wants a home, children, financial security, etc. Meanwhile Josh is longing for his youthful free and single days. He doesn't like the responsibilities of being married and since Jen was a part of his past he has made her a part of his fantasies about leaving his wife and being free of married life. He may really believe that he has feelings for Jen and wants to be with her but really she just represents the life he used to have and that he thinks he wants back. If he ever tries to make this fantasy a reality then he probably will go stay with Jen. That will soften the pain of leaving his marriage and make things easier for him in regards to housing and not feeling lonely. Within a few months of being with Jen he will discover that you can't go backwards and he will either end up wanting his wife back or once the emotional crisis of ending his marriage is over he will decide that he wants to move on, have his freedom and meet new women. Think about it Jen. He suddenly started having feelings for you a couple of months ago? He's known you for seventeen years. What changed about you a couple of months ago that suddenly made you attractive to him? Did you lose a hundred pounds or become rich? If nothing changed about you a couple of months ago then this really isn't about you. It's about Josh and him wanting to escape his marriage and he wants to use you to make it easier on himself. And he may end up thinking that having you for an occassional romp in the hay is enough of an escape and he doesn't really need to leave his wife. Lots of MM enjoy the fantasy of running away with the OW more than they actually want that reality. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Can you enlighten me what is the typical path that happens most the time. No. That is not the typical affair path. Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I say don't end it now, Jennifer. Can't you guys be a little patient? Can't this guy have just a few more days?? They just went through a hurricane and the house was flooded. Isn't it kind of cold to tell his wife in a hotel room?? Maybe he wants to at least wait until they step back into the house. That will be in a few days, right Jennifer? The point is why would he move back in with this wife he can't stand? This is actualy perfect timing for them to separate. BTW, jersey shore will take weeks to receive FEMA aid and months to restore back to normal. he's thought this all out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 The point is why would he move back in with this wife he can't stand? This is actualy perfect timing for them to separate. BTW, jersey shore will take weeks to receive FEMA aid and months to restore back to normal. he's thought this all out. This is what I'm thinking. There isn't a more perfect time for him to drop the bomb. Why go to the expense of putting a house back together if no one is going to live there. His wife probably doesn't want to live there alone (with all the bills and memories) if he's gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Can you enlighten me what is the typical path that happens most the time. Affairs don't work out for the affair partners. And the affair partner and betrayed spouse are usually the two most injured by the mess. I know you know this. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Jen, remember something else (that will be hard to swallow right now): If he cheated WITH you, he may cheat ON you. The litany of OW who have found out their affair partners cheat again is prevalent. Josh has already established a precedent that because his wife "is not who he thought she was," it mentally gave him the okay to ignore his vows to her and cheat with you. Now I know right now you think you are different and that your relationship would be different, but we can absolutely, positively, 100% guarantee this is not true. You are no different than any other woman who has had an affair and believes the stories they are told to keep them in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Can you guys give Jen a bit of a break, please? No one said Josh was going to go back and rebuild the house together with his wife as someone posted on here. I admit, I do think Josh might be using Jen for a soft landing spot, but that does not mean the relationship could work, nor does it mean he doesn't have feelings for Jen. It's not ideal, but that doesn't mean what they are about to embark on couldn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Can you guys give Jen a bit of a break, please? No one said Josh was going to go back and rebuild the house together with his wife as someone posted on here. I admit, I do think Josh might be using Jen for a soft landing spot, but that does not mean the relationship could work, nor does it mean he doesn't have feelings for Jen. It's not ideal, but that doesn't mean what they are about to embark on couldn't work. What kind of man would walk away under such horrific circumstances as the aftermath of Sandy, leaving his wife--the woman that just three years ago he vowed to love forever (& two weeks ago told Jen that he still did)--to clean up the mess and rebuild alone??? Do you really think that a man who would do that is even capable of a relationship? And, as far as his "feelings" for Jen--or anyone else--it seems that they are secondary to his own. If he wasn't prepared to leave his wife, he would never have told her that he loved her. He KNEW how Jen felt about him & if he were a decent man and truly did care for her, he would have considered how it would affect herr & kept it to himself. Either way, this guy is a self-centered, self-serving jerk! Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 What kind of man would walk away under such horrific circumstances as the aftermath of Sandy, leaving his wife--the woman that just three years ago he vowed to love forever (& two weeks ago told Jen that he still did)--to clean up the mess and rebuild alone??? Do you really think that a man who would do that is even capable of a relationship? ! Well, that lends credence to his decision of not telling his wife yet that he's leaving since Sandy hit day before yesterday and they are holed up in a hotel room, does it not? But, if he is leaving, he can't stay there and rebuild the house with her. I would think they would go home in a few days, assess the damage, then he would have the conversation with her about leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 And honestly, he's right. We spent the whole day together yesterday. His wife was with her family in pa, her mom had minor surgery. So he came over and actually just left this morning. He told me that there's a lot going on right now, and it's not the right time to tear her world up more so. I told him I understand, but if he's just doing this for sex, he needs to let me know. He told me that he doesn't just want sex either. That this isn't just an affair. That he wants a future with me. I told him I liked that idea but he has got to get things rolling soon. I reminded him of what he said two weeks ago, that he doesn't want to stop my life. So I don't know. I believe him...I don't know why but I do Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) Was it too long or something? Moderation answers this question in a subsequent statement Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 And honestly, he's right. We spent the whole day together yesterday. His wife was with her family in pa, her mom had minor surgery. So he came over and actually just left this morning. He told me that there's a lot going on right now, and it's not the right time to tear her world up more so. I told him I understand, but if he's just doing this for sex, he needs to let me know. He told me that he doesn't just want sex either. That this isn't just an affair. That he wants a future with me. I told him I liked that idea but he has got to get things rolling soon. I reminded him of what he said two weeks ago, that he doesn't want to stop my life. So I don't know. I believe him...I don't know why but I do Because you want to. If you really want to know that it's not just about sex then stop sleeping with him until he tells her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Because you want to. If you really want to know that it's not just about sex then stop sleeping with him until he tells her. I couldn't agree with this more. Both statements. You have feelings for him and you want to believe him. You want to believe that he could be lying to you. One day, when his W finds out she'll want to believe him too. In most situations that desire to believe is the biggest ally a MM/MW has. You set YOUR boundaries. Don't let the R go with his rules. You make them and make him abide by yours. Keep your power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 He told me that he doesn't just want sex either. That this isn't just an affair. That he wants a future with me......So I don't know. I believe him...I don't know why but I do It occurs to me, that if you really believed him, there would be absolutely no point to this thread. After all, why would anyone post "He told me something and I believe him." ??? I suspect that if you really look in your heart, you will find a lot of doubt. That doubt is justified and healthy. "A lot going on?" What, a family visit and his wife's mom having minor surgery? What exact conditions of placid stability throughout the extended family will enable him to tell his wife about the affair? None, I'm afraid. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 With the holidays coming up, he'll postpone it until at least Janurary. Are you okay with being the OW during this time? Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 With the holidays coming up, he'll postpone it until at least Janurary. Are you okay with being the OW during this time? Oh not so fast there CD. Then there's taking down the Christmas lights and then Presidents Day. And the youngest has a cold. OP I'm not saying that to minimize what you're obviously questioning. It sounds to me like he's the type to make excuses as long as you'll let him. It all goes back to you wanting to believe him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Do yourself a big favour now. Stop having sex with him until he's divorced. You've waited so long to be with him, why have that affair? All that does is enable him to stay married. If he wants you - ALL of you - Then he can keep it in his pants and wait until he's a free man. He can say all he wants it isn't an affair - But it is one. He won't tell her for many reasons. I mentioned this on your other thread. Thanksgiving, Christmas is coming up. Now her mom isn't well and has had surgery.. Then after Christmas is New Year's Eve. He won't want to tell her until after those holidays are done. Then he'll have some excuse in January not to tell her, then comes Feb. which has Valentine's Day. He won't want to tell her on that day either. Time will tell if he's telling you stuff you want to hear, giving you broken promises and rainbows or if he's for real and puts his words into action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 There will always be stuff going on. You will still be there for him regardless. This he knows as he plays you like a violin. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) Of course she's going to have sex with him. Because if she doesn't, he will be done with her... and she knows it. What did you expect him to say when asked if it was just sex, J? Did you seriously expect him to say yes? Your heart is going to be shattered in little pieces around your feet in a few weeks. If this man had ANY intention of getting out of his M or being even remotely fair and honorable to his W, HE WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY. He's a lying, cheating, selfish, immature and poor excuse for a man who is making a mockery out of marriage and a fool out of his W. How can you justify his treatment of her? Do you honestly think a lying jerk like this is going to be honorable and honest with YOU? Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Your heart is going to be shattered in little pieces around your feet in a few weeks. If this man had ANY intention of getting out of his M or being even remotely fair and honorable to his W, HE WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY. I agree. He would have taken care of ending his marriage without Jen waiting in the wings. Why? Because he knows how you (J) feel about him so he really didn't have to tell you how he felt or make a move on you. He knows you've loved him for so long. He should have kept his big mouth shut, kept his hands and body parts to himself. If his marriage is going to end, let it be because he just doesn't want to be married to his wife anymore. Not because he is leaving her/divorcing to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Because you want to. If you really want to know that it's not just about sex then stop sleeping with him until he tells her. Yes, you're probably right. But i know i want him, and no one else, so i figured why not give him the benefit of the doubt.....for now anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Well he certainly won't tell her with the holidays coming up, then New years, Valentines...I think someone spelled that all out in your last thread. This will go on for months, at least. Why don't you tell him to call you when he has told her and to please not before then? Tell him you are not willing to engage in an affair and once he has left her, call you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Well he certainly won't tell her with the holidays coming up, then New years, Valentines...I think someone spelled that all out in your last thread. This will go on for months, at least. Why don't you tell him to call you when he has told her and to please not before then? Tell him you are not willing to engage in an affair and once he has left her, call you. Except she IS willing. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Yes, you're probably right. But i know i want him, and no one else, so i figured why not give him the benefit of the doubt.....for now anyway. You can give him the benefit of the doubt and still stop sleeping with him. If he truly intends to follow through and be in a relationship with you, that won't matter to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 There is NO thought being given to this man's betrayed spouse by either of these two. Just selfishness and what THEY want. What has this woman done to be treated with such disrespect and lack of regard? Apparently his wife wants a child, but he doesn't so he's refused sex from his wife and that's caused arguments. At least that's what I recall from her earlier thread. And, that's about the time he and J started their A. Yet he told her before they had sex, he wasn't going to leave his wife and that things at home were okay. Me thinks this is a case of a WS re-writing marital history and exaggerating stuff to put him in the best light possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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