He said he loves me..but he's married

[jennifernyc84]

If they exit your life, yes.

 

My mom died a few years ago (I was in my early 20's, and I have no dad or siblings). I still get sad sometimes, but I don't think about her every minute of every day. I'm ok for the most part. If I can be ok, you can be ok.

 

I'm really sorry about your mom.

 

And you're right. That's makes a lot of sense..

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes i feel fine. Like, i can cope through out the day, but when I'm alone, or at night, that's when it gets super hard.

 

But last night was the worst. Its clear that I'm not ready to be around guys.

 

What if i never am? People say you never really "get over" someone you love. If you really love someone, how can you just "get over" them? Do people ever "get over" their parents/siblings/ other relatives or people close to you? That's how i feel...

 

Am i making sense or just rambling again?

 

My father passed away and it took a long time to cope and deal with it all, but life goes on, pain lessens.. It takes effort too - To sit and wallow, shed tears and do nothing to change things so life will be better isn't good.

 

You need to work hard and be pro active in getting over him! Don't let yourself fantasize and hope/wish for him. All that does is keep you down and out, into him and not focused on your own life and truly healing.

[jennifernyc84]

I am trying to change things. I'm forcing myself to move on. But it doesn't matter. I was ready to burst into tears last night, right in that club.

 

I don't know how to NOT want him..i hate how pathetic i sound.

[MissBee]

Sometimes i feel fine. Like, i can cope through out the day, but when I'm alone, or at night, that's when it gets super hard.

 

But last night was the worst. Its clear that I'm not ready to be around guys.

What if i never am? People say you never really "get over" someone you love. If you really love someone, how can you just "get over" them? Do people ever "get over" their parents/siblings/ other relatives or people close to you? That's how i feel...

 

Am i making sense or just rambling again?

 

Those thoughts are what I call post-breakup insanity.

 

The love one has for parents/siblings/relatives is a very stable love IMO. It is not built around how they make you feel and it doesn't affect your brain in the same way, it doesn't cause addictive feelings and emotional highs and lows. Romantic love, on the other hand, often is akin to an addictive feeling and can be very fickle. Good relationships are built on romantic love and then a deeper, more mature love.

 

You can get over someone you romantically love...those feelings are often fickle, hence people fall in and out of them all the time. When you're just out f a breakup though it seems impossible. You feel like you will never love again and that they are the only person in the world for you....but from my own experience, it's not true. Eventually that craziness wears off and you do move on. I remember coming to LS totally devastated after a breakup, praying night and day to be with him again, I didn't want anyone else for a whole year in fact ....but today, I'm totally out of love and feel nothing for him and we're not even friends. I can still remember vividly how painful it was at the time though and how it seemed like a never ending tunnel and how I hated to feel better as I knew eventually I'd feel upset again. It was hard...I won't lie, but I made it worse by not implementing strict NC and by spending entirely too much time obsessing over him. In any case...the pain doesn't last forever, although it feels like it and yes you can move on..it's your choice though, as I do believe some people stay stuck pining and obsessed years later.

Edited November 10, 2012 by MissBee

[jennifernyc84]

Sometimes i do feel better, like i can move on, like he's not the most important thing in my life, and since I never actually had him, i haven't really lost anything.

 

But other times its hard. Like i don't know if i can do it. I don't think of him all the time, but it makes it worse when he just pops into my head. I'll be totally fine one minute, then something will remind me of him and its like a punch in the heart.

 

And what hurts more, is the fact that he's fine. He's with his wife, happy, loving her, trying to make babies...that's what hurts the most.

 

Damn it..

[Tara247]

Sometimes i feel fine. Like, i can cope through out the day, but when I'm alone, or at night, that's when it gets super hard.

 

But last night was the worst. Its clear that I'm not ready to be around guys.

 

What if i never am? People say you never really "get over" someone you love. If you really love someone, how can you just "get over" them? Do people ever "get over" their parents/siblings/ other relatives or people close to you? That's how i feel...

 

Am i making sense or just rambling again?

 

Yes, you can get over people that you love or have loved. I'm doing that right now with my siblings. If a person means you no good and subtracts from your life, if you have enough self-respect, you will find that you don't need or want them in your life. You have to take care of YOU. That is your responsibility.

[ThatJustHappened]

I am trying to change things. I'm forcing myself to move on. But it doesn't matter. I was ready to burst into tears last night, right in that club.

 

I don't know how to NOT want him..i hate how pathetic i sound.

 

Wanting him and indulging in him are completely different. If you want him but do not act on it, sooner or later you'll stop wanting him. That's why you haven't moved on from him yet..you keep giving in and going back. You just have to be strong.

[Tara247]

Sometimes i do feel better, like i can move on, like he's not the most important thing in my life, and since I never actually had him, i haven't really lost anything.

 

But other times its hard. Like i don't know if i can do it. I don't think of him all the time, but it makes it worse when he just pops into my head. I'll be totally fine one minute, then something will remind me of him and its like a punch in the heart.

 

And what hurts more, is the fact that he's fine. He's with his wife, happy, loving her, trying to make babies...that's what hurts the most.

 

Damn it..

 

It sounds like you are in the stages of grief. When you hit the anger stage, you are going to want to tell his wife. I hope you do.

[PurpleGal]

Hi Jen - fellow NYC gal here. I've been following this thread. I'm not an expert on, well, anything - but I wanted to point out a couple of things.

 

You mentioned wanting to burst into tears at the club. I don't know about you, but when I drink I get very sentimental. I wouldn't use that as a basis for anything.

 

As for getting over the pain, I've had experience with that. I went through a very hard and dark time a few years ago, after my 2nd child was born. I said the same thing as you, to my sister: "I don't know if I can do this." Her reply? "You have no choice." Those words changed my life. I realized she was right - as hard as it was to get through each minute, I HAD NO CHOICE. That was my life, and living it was simply my duty. And there was no way around it. Your pain is intense right now. But you have no choice but to get through this time. Whatever way you manage it, it's life, and you simply have to press on. You CAN do this. You must.

 

One last thing, as far as moving on. Something that has helped me through rough times, that may help you. I want you to think about the worse thing you've ever heard of happening to someone you know. I won't list possibilities, because I don't want to upset anyone reading here. But there are awful things, involving tragedy, or children, or both - just think about it. THOSE PEOPLE FELT BETTER. It may have taken a long time, and they may have never been the same. But with time and probably some work, they learned to live and got to a better place. I promise, you will too. I know it hurts - so freaking bad. But it won't always.

[Survivor12]

So last night started out nice. Just me and my girls, drinking, laughing, talking. I told them i just broke up with someone, (i may have left out the part where he is married),....

 

The only way you are going to ever be able to heal and move on is if you face THE TRUTH, but you continue to live within your fantasy. The other day, you attempted to turn the two times you had sex (5 days apart) into "seeing each other for two weeks". Last night, you lied to your friends (by omission) by leaving out the part about him being married and then by claiming you had "broken up". Jen, you didn't break up! You never had a relationship to break! The truth is that you are in love with and had sex with a married man who LIED to you and you believed him because you WANTED TO! That is your reality...that is what you need to face head on. Pretending and romanticizing is not helping you. Sure, the truth hurts and isn't easy to admit, but lying to other people to keep your fantasy alive is worse. As a matter of fact, that is the vey thing that has kept you feel so attached to him for all these years. STOP! Lying to yourself does not--and will never--change what is true.

[jennifernyc84]

The only way you are going to ever be able to heal and move on is if you face THE TRUTH, but you continue to live within your fantasy. The other day, you attempted to turn the two times you had sex (5 days apart) into "seeing each other for two weeks". Last night, you lied to your friends (by omission) by leaving out the part about him being married and then by claiming you had "broken up". Jen, you didn't break up! You never had a relationship to break! The truth is that you are in love with and had sex with a married man who LIED to you and you believed him because you WANTED TO! That is your reality...that is what you need to face head on. Pretending and romanticizing is not helping you. Sure, the truth hurts and isn't easy to admit, but lying to other people to keep your fantasy alive is worse. As a matter of fact, that is the vey thing that has kept you feel so attached to him for all these years. STOP! Lying to yourself does not--and will never--change what is true.

 

 

Actually, it was 3 times. Let's not forget Friday morning.

 

no, but i do understand what you're saying. i did want to believe him. I know that i f.uked up. But it doesn't make it any easier. The reason i didn't tell my friends he's married was because i didn't feel like explaining the whole sad, dumb story..

[whichwayisup]

The only way you are going to ever be able to heal and move on is if you face THE TRUTH, but you continue to live within your fantasy. The other day, you attempted to turn the two times you had sex (5 days apart) into "seeing each other for two weeks". Last night, you lied to your friends (by omission) by leaving out the part about him being married and then by claiming you had "broken up". Jen, you didn't break up! You never had a relationship to break! The truth is that you are in love with and had sex with a married man who LIED to you and you believed him because you WANTED TO! That is your reality...that is what you need to face head on. Pretending and romanticizing is not helping you. Sure, the truth hurts and isn't easy to admit, but lying to other people to keep your fantasy alive is worse. As a matter of fact, that is the vey thing that has kept you feel so attached to him for all these years. STOP! Lying to yourself does not--and will never--change what is true.

 

This is probably one of the best pieces of advice for you to take. Read this over and over again - Hope it sinks in.

[Tara247]

Wanting him and indulging in him are completely different. If you want him but do not act on it, sooner or later you'll stop wanting him. That's why you haven't moved on from him yet..you keep giving in and going back. You just have to be strong.

 

Jen, he's either in or he's out. He has shown you that he's "out" because he hasn't left his wife. You do realize that even if you're not answering his calls, if he wanted to leave his wife and move out, he would have done it by now. But, he hasn't. He is still by her side, and the last time he talked to you, he was still saying that he was going to tell her. Well, why hasn't he done it yet?.. Knowing that he hasn't should make you want to move on.

 

If you really think about this whole thing with Josh, it doesn't make sense. He's known you for 17 years, but never entered into a relationship with you in all that time, and subsequently went on to marry someone else. Then he contacts you out of the blue, and gets you to have sex with him. You have sex twice, and he's suddenly "in love" with you. Doesn't add up.

 

He sounds like a sefish, immature, and confused man. He was having problems with his wife, he needed new sex and validation. You were an easy target. You were someone he knew was in love with him and has always wanted him.

 

And yes, you should try therapy. From what you have posted about therapy and therapists means you don't know anything about the process.

[Tara247]

The only way you are going to ever be able to heal and move on is if you face THE TRUTH, but you continue to live within your fantasy. The other day, you attempted to turn the two times you had sex (5 days apart) into "seeing each other for two weeks".

 

Survivor is right, you weren't "seeing each other" Jen. He didn't even take you out on a proper date. Every single time you and he got together, you always ended up alone in your apartment. Do you really think that that wasn't his plan? His intention was to get sex from you, and he did. I bet he took his wife out on proper dates. Think about that.

[jennifernyc84]

Survivor is right, you weren't "seeing each other" Jen. He didn't even take you out on a proper date. Every single time you and he got together, you always ended up alone in your apartment. Do you really think that that wasn't his plan? His intention was to get sex from you, and he did. I bet he took his wife out on proper dates. Think about that.

 

Ouch!

 

Really harsh, Tara. Extremely harsh.

 

Uncalled for.

[Lois]

Ouch!

 

Really harsh, Tara. Extremely harsh.

 

Uncalled for.

 

 

The truth is often harsh, Jen.

 

When you see things for what they were instead of how you want/ed them to be, you will heal.

 

I hope for your sake, you do that sooner rather than later.

Edited November 11, 2012 by Lois

[jennifernyc84]

Is what she said true? If it is...what do you think about that fact? If it isn't...disregard my post.

 

I don't know....

[jennifernyc84]

Jen,

 

Really? Why the 70+ pages of advice? I'm really quite baffled. Let's review :Long time friend, he married another, you pined from afar, he got horny, called you, you fell for his BS, slept with him, he somehow promised you some future, you bought it, he backed out, you got hurt. came on LS, hence 80 pages of advice (on just this thread) still, you keep it going.... Sigh...

 

I really don't see why you're here. You ****ed another woman's man, he could give two ****s for you, yet, here you are, wasting time on this douche. Really? You need to own your ****, press on, live your life, forget this loser already.

 

What is it that you think I'm keeping going? I've told him to leave me alone, told him i hated him, changed my number, deleted all of his social media..what more can i do?

[Survivor12]

What is it that you think I'm keeping going? I've told him to leave me alone, told him i hated him, changed my number, deleted all of his social media..what more can i do?

 

I told you in post #1179....stop lying to yourself & allow yourself to face the truth! Just like the comment you just made--you know as well as we do that changing your # et al doesn't mean that he can't show up at your door (which is exactly what you are hoping will happen). So, going through the motions while allowing yourself to continue to fantasize means nothing because when he does, you will be in the same vulnerable place you were three weeks ago.

[whichwayisup]

What more can you do?

 

STOP the hope. STOP the wishing. STOP the fantasies and remembering how he makes you feel, hoping that he'll be yours. Stop being jealous of his wife.

 

You need to be pro active in all this too. Changing your numbers and email etc is a step but you need to take control of this and do NC in your head too.

 

It won't be easy but you can do this. KEEP busy. Try new things, pick up a new hobby, spend time with your family. Work hard at work and join a gym or do yoga - The more tired you are at night, the better you'll sleep and not let your mind drift..

 

Allow yourself to grieve. This is part of your problem, you say it's over but you're not accepting that it is. Saying it is easy, believing it is another.

[kaylan]

Mother of god... 80 pages? This needed 80 pages?

 

This thread should have ended on the first page. Everything on it is correct and on the money.

 

Move on and see other people OP.

[jennifernyc84]

What more can you do?

 

STOP the hope. STOP the wishing. STOP the fantasies and remembering how he makes you feel, hoping that he'll be yours. Stop being jealous of his wife.

 

You need to be pro active in all this too. Changing your numbers and email etc is a step but you need to take control of this and do NC in your head too.

 

It won't be easy but you can do this. KEEP busy. Try new things, pick up a new hobby, spend time with your family. Work hard at work and join a gym or do yoga - The more tired you are at night, the better you'll sleep and not let your mind drift..

 

Allow yourself to grieve. This is part of your problem, you say it's over but you're not accepting that it is. Saying it is easy, believing it is another.

I do yoga instructions..threedays a week

 

I go to the gym at least four times week.

 

I'm a workaholic, and I'm starting my own business.

 

I don't just sit around all day doing nothing but cry over him. I'm not that pathetic. I have a life. A life that i love, at that.

 

I have a great family, granted i don't get to spend so much time with them anymore, but i talk to them all the time.

 

I have friends, old and new...

 

I'm generally a happy person..i just hate not being able to be with Josh. He's the one thing in my life, that i could never call my own..and that kills me.

[jennifernyc84]

Like, why am i not good enough for him? Does he think I'm not good enough?

Why doesn't he want me? what's wrong with me?

[ThatJustHappened]

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you're obsessed with a loser. Nothing is wrong with you..something is very very wrong with him.

[jennifernyc84]

He isn't a loser. Please believe me. He's really not. He's so smart, nice, funny, successful, everyone loves him. You can't not like him..you really don't know him.