He said he loves me..but he's married

[Tara247]

I agree, but when somebody is in pain, telling them that nobody understands what they're going through is not kind or helpful.

 

She doesn't see those things because she doesn't want to. She's been in love with this guy for 17 years..it's going to take more than a few weeks for her to come to grips with everything that's happened. I'm sure you went through all the same things she's going through when you were in the thick of things. And she probably doesn't want to tell her friends because she's embarrassed that she slept with someone else's husband.

 

Everyone on here is telling Jen exactly what she needs to hear. I don't see anyone being harsh. I've seen harsh on this site, and this isn't it.

[ThatJustHappened]

Everyone on here is telling Jen exactly what she needs to hear. I don't see anyone being harsh. I've seen harsh on this site, and this isn't it.

 

Again, I'm not saying tough love isn't necessary. In fact, I advocated it a few posts above this. I absolutely think tough love is necessary, but there's a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it. Telling someone that nobody understands them is cruel and counterproductive. There's no faster way to isolate a person and send them back into the arms of the person they're hurting over than to tell them that nobody can relate to them and that they're all alone in the world.

 

And honestly, all the advice she's getting here is completely contradictory to that statement. If nobody understood what she was going through, this thread wouldn't be into it's 82nd page. Apparently EVERYBODY understands.

[veryhappy]

The first step of grief is denial, so of course she'll go through "this couldn't possibly be true". If she doesn't get back with him she'll cycle through all stages and anger has a way of deciding what reality is in the end.

[whichwayisup]

Jen if you leave, I'm gonna pissed off, as well as some others. Look at how much advice you've received, pages and pages of it. To now just up and leave, for what? Because you disagree with a few people and can't take their words for what it is? Come on. Don't leave. If you do, so be it, but I really hope you decide to come back. You need help, more than you realize.

[Mount]

Agree with WWI, even you don't absorb everyone's feedback right away, you can still take time to progress.

 

Just like me, I have not ended the A with MM yet, but I do think, and I am thinking still...

 

Jen if you leave, I'm gonna pissed off, as well as some others. Look at how much advice you've received, pages and pages of it. To now just up and leave, for what? Because you disagree with a few people and can't take their words for what it is? Come on. Don't leave. If you do, so be it, but I really hope you decide to come back. You need help, more than you realize.

[2sunny]

Agree with WWI, even you don't absorb everyone's feedback right away, you can still take time to progress.

 

Just like me, I have not ended the A with MM yet, but I do think, and I am thinking still...

 

"Thinking" never changed a thing. Being willing to change AND taking action changes things.

 

Thinking is a form of procrastination... Which doesn't amount to much.

[jennifernyc84]

Hey guys,

 

i know I've been away for a bit, but this is me trying not to think or talk about him so much..I'm not doing so great.

 

I know i said that I'd go NC, but i checked his fb. I didn't try to talk to him or anything like that. I was just curious.

 

Their house was flooded pretty badly, so they're actually moving. I have no idea where. I saw pictures of them, they looked happy. The guilt that i felt when i saw her smiling at him. She had no clue...she really is happy. They have no house, they can't have kids...but in the midst of that, she's still happy with him. I felt guilty, but also a little hurt...jealous maybe. I don't know..

 

I looked at her and i remembered how much I want to be his wife.

 

What do you think would happen if i called him? Just a phone call?i miss him like crazy. I haven't heard his voice since Wednesday.

[Decorative]

Hey guys,

 

i know I've been away for a bit, but this is me trying not to think or talk about him so much..I'm not doing so great.

 

I know i said that I'd go NC, but i checked his fb. I didn't try to talk to him or anything like that. I was just curious.

 

Their house was flooded pretty badly, so they're actually moving. I have no idea where. I saw pictures of them, they looked happy. The guilt that i felt when i saw her smiling at him. She had no clue...she really is happy. They have no house, they can't have kids...but in the midst of that, she's still happy with him. I felt guilty, but also a little hurt...jealous maybe. I don't know..

 

I looked at her and i remembered how much I want to be his wife.

 

What do you think would happen if i called him? Just a phone call?i miss him like crazy. I haven't heard his voice since Wednesday.

 

I think a better phone call would be to a therapist.

 

if you call him, he'll lie to you, you'll sleep with him again, and start the clock back at zero.

 

He isn't your husband. He never will be. He doesn't love you. He used you.

 

Demand better for yourself. You are worth more than you at willing to accept. You need to figure out why that is.

[CarrieT]

Jen - you KNOW that if you called him it would be back-pedaling to the forward momentum you have been making. He would talk you into seeing him, you would sleep together again, and he would go back to his smiling, happy, clueless wife AGAIN - leaving you more empty, angry and hurt than you are right now.

 

To stop this, you need to un-friend him on FB to remove the temptation to torture yourself. And seriously reconsider therapy; not sure why you "don't believe in it," when you are obviously in pain and there is nothing wrong with getting professional help for a painful issue.

[veryhappy]

Just a phone call is just one more fix to a drug addict. Does that help with anything?

 

It's part of the process to want to get in touch with him, but the only thing that really helps is staying away. It feels unnatural and it's painful.

[jennifernyc84]

I didn't say I'm going to do it. I'm just saying, whatys the best/worst case scenario?

[Survivor12]

Just remember, Jen, that if you contact him, you will be taking on the active role of being a home wrecker. All those claims of innocence and declarations of not being the kind of woman who would get involved with a married man are out the window. Contacting him will prove that you are. Actions speak louder than words, Jen. That applies to you as we'll as to Josh. Oh, and btw, you are re-writing reality again when you say that they can't have children. Just because they are having a problem conceiving (which is what you told us your mom told you) does not mean that it's impossible.

[snowflakes88]

I didn't say I'm going to do it. I'm just saying, whatys the best/worst case scenario?

 

There is only one scenario.

 

1. You call, and verify your weakness/lack of self-respect by doing so.

 

2. He recognizes your weakness/lack of self-respect and feeds you some lines about how he messed up, wants to be with you, will tell his wife, but can't right now because the holidays are coming, they are in the middle of a move, the cat has a cough, etc.

 

3. You eat it up, in your blind desperation to believe him.

 

4. He comes by. You have sex.

 

5. You are left in your apartment, alone - again - while he goes home to his wife. The woman he chose. The woman he chose initially, and the one he chooses each time he rolls out of your bed and continues making a life with her while you sit there by yourself.

 

6. Repeat.

[Owl]

I didn't say I'm going to do it. I'm just saying, whatys the best/worst case scenario?

 

I think that this is an exercise you should conduct on your own, first. Post that here, see how accurate others feel it is.

 

You need to start doing this kind of thing for yourself. Don't rely on us to do it for you...

 

You already know the answers to the questions you pose...but you don't like them.

 

Stop defending Josh to everyone, stop avoiding thinking about the hard questions and answers yourself, and start taking some serious OWNERSHIP of your past, your present, and your future.

[jennifernyc84]

"What is it that you think I'm keeping going? I've told him to leave me alone, told him i hated him, changed my number, deleted all of his social media..what more can i do?"

 

^^You wrote this 2 days ago.^^ Now, today you're FB stalking him. So which is it, Jen? You really don't want to let this fantasy go. Do you just want to wallow in this? For how long? When will it be enough for you?

 

I'm not stalking him. I only checked it that one time.

Edited November 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jennifernyc84]

If you say so..

 

But what about the bold questions above? I'm curious as to how much time you're willing to invest (waste) on this fantasy.

 

I don't know. I keep feeling like i rushed him. Maybe i should've given him a chance. Maybe he would've really told her.

[alexandria35]

I don't know. I keep feeling like i rushed him. Maybe i should've given him a chance. Maybe he would've really told her.

 

Oh my God! I can't believe that this has gone on for over 80 pages here. Do whatever you want. Let us know how it turns out.

[ThatJustHappened]

I don't know. I keep feeling like i rushed him. Maybe i should've given him a chance. Maybe he would've really told her.

 

That's the bargaining stage talking. You did the right thing. He's the one who told you he was going to tell his wife twice and then didn't..it's not like you were giving him an ultimatum about it or anything.

[Lostinlife4now]

I'm not stalking him. I only checked it that one time.

 

 

Oh my jennifernyc.....

 

Are you still PLAYING with this????? STOP Honey...YOU WILL BE THE ONE HURT IN THE END....BELIEVE ME I KNOW!!!!!!

[Lois]

The picture of his wife smiling and looking happy really got to you, didn't it Jen?

[Scarlett5]

We do our best as humans to avoid negative emotions - to put it simply. We often look for instant relief, which at the moment, for you, would be making contact with josh. It's so scarily similar to an addiction, and we all know addictions are no good for us.

 

Short term fixes lead to long term problems and just feed the addiction. Riding out the pain and overcoming the 'addiction' is what leads to long term happiness, but it's also the toughest option at the time.

 

Difference is, the pain is only temporary and then it's gone for good. Added bonus = you emerge a much better person in many ways. And in your case, you'll leave josh and his emptiness behind.

 

Take the short term fix option and you will still feel pain, on a regular basis, until you break the inevitable cycle.

 

Moral of the story? Ride out that pain and do yourself proud!

[Scarlett5]

The picture of his wife smiling and looking happy really got to you, didn't it Jen?

 

I'd take a wild stab in the dark and say YES, I'm sure it did get to her. Pretty obvious.

[jennifernyc84]

I'm really trying to do the right thing. I'm really trying to be a better person. But every nerve in my body is telling me to give in.

[Scarlett5]

That's just you feeling the pain that you need to ride out.

 

What would you even say if you called him?

[CarrieT]

I'm really trying to do the right thing. I'm really trying to be a better person. But every nerve in my body is telling me to give in.

 

That's because you have created dopamines in your body with the fantasy and, like many drugs, the affection you got from Josh fed what is now an addiction. Like a heroin addict, you are craving a "fix" and if you got it, you would want more and not be sated.

 

Does this make ANY sense why you have to block his FB and go No Contact? Even looking at his FB page once fed a little of the addiction and is now making you want more. Go back to the healthy place in your head that you were at when you were with your family...