He said he loves me..but he's married

[whichwayisup]

I'm afraid of losing him. And that's why I keep giving in to him. I don't know what else to do. If I force him to tell his wife, I'm afraid he'll leave me. I know I sound pathetic to you, and I know I sound totally insane, but I really love him a lot.

 

And, trust me, he's not a scumbag. Not at all. He is a wonderful man.

 

No, not insane. You're a woman who is letting her emotions take over and rule over reality and gut instinct/mind.

 

Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him.

 

Anyway, what's done is done..

 

You do know he still isn't yours...Just because you're now the OW doesn't change the fact he still is married. Only thing that has changed is sharing him with his wife except you get the short end of the stick.

 

If he gets ill and has to go to the hospital, who's he gonna call? (GHOSTBUSTERS!! Sorry, had to!) He's not going get you to sit by his bedside..It'll be his wife.

 

As time goes on, especially with holidays coming up this month and next month, you're going to feel left out and hurt because he'll be with his wife, his family and inlaws.

[skywriter]

He does respect me. He hasn't done anything that I haven't ALLOWED him to do. You can't just blame him, it is me too. I wanted him to come to see me, I wanted him to come up to my apt, I allowed him to cheat on his wife. That part is on me too.

 

 

It's good of you to accept the responsibility for your decisions. Eventually you will likely change your perception of how he respects you. Then again, you have to ask yourself, "why don't I expect more?"

 

I did.... and I don't know who I was more angry with, him or me. It does a number on you, jen. I tell ya. I feel it's especially sad, since this is your long time friend.

 

Once you've gone down this path, there is no more "friend".

Edited October 29, 2012 by skywriter
If he gets ill and has to go to the hospital, who's he gonna call? (GHOSTBUSTERS!! Sorry, had to!) You're a hoot!!!

[sweetjasmine]

If I force him to tell his wife, I'm afraid he'll leave me.

 

If he truly doesn't love his wife and if he truly does love you, why would he leave you if you told him he needs to tell his wife?

 

If he doesn't love his wife, shouldn't someone let her know?

 

If you think he would leave you for pushing him on leaving his wife, what does that tell you about everything?

 

You're afraid of him leaving you for a reason. It's because you know that he will throw you under the bus to preserve the status quo in his marriage.

[Zahara]

So what should I do? What would be the right thing? He's the one who came to me with all of this. I was the one trying to move on. I gave up. Then he calls me and says the I love you's. He said he wants me..if I want him, and he wants me, isn't that the right thing to do?

 

He has a wife..

 

But he said to give him the time he needs. He swore he'd do the right thing by me and his wife too.

 

So what should I do?

 

You tell him that if he wants to be with you, to settle his divorce and once that happens he can some share his love and life with you.

 

You engaging in sex and 2AM sex calls just gives him the best of both worlds. It never gives him the push to make a decision. Sex is not a indication that he does not love his wife. He's just a horny man and in fantasy land after excitement of sex with a new person.

 

I don't even know why you ask because it makes no difference what anyone says.

[whichwayisup]

If I force him to tell his wife, I'm afraid he'll leave me.

 

But he isn't yours. You cannot lose something you never had.

 

Why would he leave you if he truly was in love with you? Didn't you say he wanted to marry you, have children with you? IF that is the case and he's telling the truth, his wife finding out actually is a good thing because then she can find someone who will love only her, be with a man who lives up to his vows and doesn't cheat. Reality is..You're afraid to tell her or push him to tell her because you know deep down he isn't going to leave and he'll get angry at you for telling her, and cut you out of his life.

[Stellar Wench]

I said i called him to the city, i never said i called him to my apt.

Look, I'm not sure at all what will happen tomorrow.

The only thing i am sure of is that I'm meeting him and that i care for him.

I cannot disregard this, i can't..

 

How can i? Why should i? I have to see what happens..

The guidance offered to you here is pretty unamimous but you keep doing the opposite. It's puzzling what you hope to gain by continuing here.

[Stellar Wench]

If he loves his wife, why would he call me at 2am and want phone sex?

He's lying in bed with her right now, if he was horny all he had to do was screw his wife, right? Why then, is he calling me for phone sex?

You have no way of knowing if he used you to get warmed up to make love to his wife. Some men use porn, some men use phone sex. You were willing and you came with no charge or effort.

Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm afraid of losing him. And that's why I keep giving in to him. I don't know what else to do. If I force him to tell his wife, I'm afraid he'll leave me. I know I sound pathetic to you, and I know I sound totally insane, but I really love him a lot.

 

And, trust me, he's not a scumbag. Not at all. He is a wonderful man.

 

You're afraid he won't want you unless you sleep with him..you're afraid he won't want you if you ask him to tell his wife. What part of that equals love to you? If he loved you and wanted you, he would have told his wife about you already without you even asking him to, and he wouldn't care whether or not you were sleeping together yet. You are confusing love with sex.

 

He's telling you what you want to hear in order to get you to sleep with him. That's all. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

[jennifernyc84]

You're afraid he won't want you unless you sleep with him..you're afraid he won't want you if you ask him to tell his wife. What part of that equals love to you? If he loved you and wanted you, he would have told his wife about you already without you even asking him to, and he wouldn't care whether or not you were sleeping together yet. You are confusing love with sex.

 

He's telling you what you want to hear in order to get you to sleep with him. That's all. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

 

its really hard for me to believe that. He says he loves me. I want that to be true.

[jennifernyc84]

Its hard to accept, you know?

[Tenacity]

its really hard for me to believe that. He says he loves me. I want that to be true.

 

It doesn't make it true though.

 

He isn't treating you like you are someone he loves. If this were a love story, he would be doing a lot more than just giving you booty calls.

 

My ex-MM (who did love me, I believe) voluntarily told his W about me, that he was in love with me. Without me ever asking him to. This was long before we ever had sex. And guess what.... he's still with her and not with me! What does that tell you about YOUR odds?

 

He isn't acting loving or in any kind of romantic way, the way most A's start out. He has just progressed directly to the booty call stage.

 

Pardon me for pointing this out, but you seem very naive about relationships. I don't think you have ever had a real, loving relationship with a man. It is no wonder this seems like love to you.

 

You are 27 and wasting the best years of your life on a man who is married to another woman and who is using you for his selfish needs. You say he's a wonderful man... but wonderful men don't cheat on their wives - and before the marriage has even really started! He hasn't even had kids yet... it hasn't even gotten hard yet, and look how he behaves!! Not only towards his W (who I feel very sorry for) but towards you - because he knows how you feel about him and he is TAKING ADVANTAGE of it. Of you!

 

I do feel so sorry with his W... or whoever ends up with this poor excuse of a husband. Whoever it is will have decades of being cheated on to look forward to. This guy is going to keep cheating.

 

Please don't waste your life on this pathetic excuse for a relationship. You will look back one day, years from now, and wish you had those years back. You only get one chance. Make a life for yourself and learn to have some self-respect and standards. Men do not respect women who are pathetic doormats. They want women who are self-assured and confident in themselves, not women who are insecure and needy. Being at his beck and call may seem like the way to "hang onto him" now, but he will soon get bored and move on to a woman who is less "available", less predictable, and more of a challenge. Mark my words.

[skywriter]

Its hard to accept, you know?

 

 

I know and the past five months, have been accepting what I know.

[ThatJustHappened]

its really hard for me to believe that. He says he loves me. I want that to be true.

 

I want to be a millionaire, but wanting it doesn't make it true, and if I go around spending a ton of money without being a millionaire, I'm going to get myself in a whole lot of trouble. And if you let yourself believe that this is real just because you wish it was, you're going to get yourself in a whole lot of trouble.

 

His actions do not match his words. He is not acting like he loves you.

[stillafool]

Its hard to accept, you know?

 

Has he bothered to call you today to find out how you're doing?

[jennifernyc84]

Has he bothered to call you today to find out how you're doing?

 

No, he hasn't. And i haven't called either. I'm actually more worried about him. He's in a dangerous area...i really hope it isn't as bad as they claim.

[truthbetold]

Jennifer you do get you can't "lose" something that isn't yours right? He's married, this isn't "dating" or being romanced or as someone else said being courted, this is a hidden affair and so far booty calls and degrading phone sex.

 

Let me preface all of this by saying if we didn't care Jennifer we wouldn't post. What you do with your life doesn't impact me directly but I do believe all that we do impacts another as a human race, but that's a lesson for another time! Point being if your thread gets shut down, please come back and let us know how you're doing and if you're okay especially with this storm. Please know that though the advice may seem harsh, it's bc we don't like to see women degrade themselves like this. Some are willing to walk away from you and this thread thinking it's hopeless, though I'd like to shake you out of this like a kid sister, it's just heartbreaking to watch you offer yourself up to him like this.

 

Okay, my background although I've never been an OW and am now happily married, I dated my share of losers. I relate to the 2am booty call Jen. There was a guy that I dated that had a very prestigious position everyone loved him, he had a great sense of humor all the usual bs. He lived on the w. coast and I on the east, he had a beautiful house that overlooked the ocean. He came into town a few times a month and stayed a few days or so. Precisely after 1 date where he stayed at a hotel, I offered up my place for him to stay which he readily took me up on. In the beginning it was all lovely him taking me to a company Christmas party etc... but he would display weird behavior like sometimes coming in and disappearing (not seeing me) then go back to his home and call me and apologize for not being able to face me, he was scared of his feelings. But since we had a 3 hour time difference he called me at 2am bc it was only 11p his time, and it was all about him and what he wanted, and since I wanted to be the accommodating gf I more than obliged no matter if it affected my work performance or home life, I wanted to please. Jennifer I whored myself out and completely disrespected myself. That relationship got more disturbing and eventually ended but that's not the point.

 

I still had the mindset that if I just gave enough of myself I'd meet a great guy. I continued to meet losers, ones that only saw the "face" and not much else. They certainly didn't care about my brains or values. Though the way I pretzeled myself for them no wonder they didn't respect me but more importantly no wonder I didn't meet a great guy that was worthy of respect I kept meeting losers.

 

I'm saying my self esteem was obviously in the toliet but I believed otherwise. One of the last losers that I dated also had a prominent career. We met and at first I was turned off bc of his profession, however he grew on me and we started to date. I gave up sex too early bc in my mind that's how you show a guy how great you are with sex. Jennifer it's cheap, I see that now. Anyway he continued to date me and spend lots of money. About 3 mos later he invites me his reunion party for his alumni thing. He helped me pick a fabulous cocktail dress, I had ankle wrap shoes, lovely fringed wrap, I thought I looked good for a cocktail party right? WRONG every other female there was dressed in a suit! And I'm a professional I do some very nice suits that would have been great. I felt like a cheap hooker he hired to look good on his arm. Didn't matter I don't really look like one, it's how he made me FEEL. He had to know how people would be dressed he could have clued me in but he didn't. He had me pose with his friends objectifying me further. etc... and yeah I gave him plenty of great sex at the hotel he booked for us. Oh, yeah I felt he's gotta love me to spend that much at a hotel in our city instead of just going back to my place and seriously it may seem flattering in some respects to some women but I couldn't have been more humiliated. I thought he loved me, he told me he did but his actions didn't match his words.

 

It wasn't until I got serious and fixed me to become not a doormat but a woman worthy of respect that I met the man of my dreams, that was whole and healthy himself. I never would have met him if I kept acting so disrespectfully to myself. I would have kept attracting losers.

 

I don't know if any of that got through to you, if not you maybe it'll reach a lurker I don't know. My point is Jennifer just bc you do something so degrading and can be such a doormat does NOT mean it defines who you are going forward. YOU can change that but YOU have to want to change that.

 

I know you want to see this love story with Josh, but it isn't there Jen. For all the reasons other people have posted to you and all the red flags, he does not love you the way a man should love a woman. Your view is skewed, I used to mistake sex for love. I now know different. Good luck and Godspeed out of the fog Jen.

Edited October 29, 2012 by truthbetold

[veryhappy]

its really hard for me to believe that. He says he loves me. I want that to be true.

 

Just because you want it to be true, it doesn't mean it is true.

 

ExMM said the following about me (just what comes off the top of my head): I was the woman of his dreams, everything he's ever wanted in a woman, he never cared about anyone so much except his kids and he said his love made him worry about me in a way that he only did for his kids when they were little and he never felt that for a woman, I would be the best mother and wife he could ever hope for, I'm the woman he loves the most and he know he'll never get over me, nobody looked him in the eye as intense as I did, the emotional connection was unmatched and blah, blah, blah.

 

Same man...now has clarity that he's commited to his marriage. Well, commmited to not leaving, because it would be so awesome to have an affair too. Words are just that when it comes to relationships. Just words, until they are backed up by actions.

[truthbetold]

Just because you want it to be true, it doesn't mean it is true.

 

ExMM said the following about me (just what comes off the top of my head): I was the woman of his dreams, everything he's ever wanted in a woman, he never cared about anyone so much except his kids and he said his love made him worry about me in a way that he only did for his kids when they were little and he never felt that for a woman, I would be the best mother and wife he could ever hope for, I'm the woman he loves the most and he know he'll never get over me, nobody looked him in the eye as intense as I did, the emotional connection was unmatched and blah, blah, blah.

 

Same man...now has clarity that he's commited to his marriage. Well, commmited to not leaving, because it would be so awesome to have an affair too. Words are just that when it comes to relationships. Just words, until they are backed up by actions.

 

OMG! Right?! I used to think it was SO fabulous I got told how intense my eyes were and since I put it out there that I was so "passionate":rolleyes: oh, but really guys, not "that" way in ALL areas of life....more:rolleyes::rolleyes: I knew what I was trying to project to be figuring I'd just wow them in bed, but really big deal and now just when I think what I put up with.

 

It's amazing how ALL losers can tell you want you want to hear to get what THEY want. ALL losers in any form, married or single.

[spiderowl]

Just a thought but why didn't he separate from his wife and divorce he before telling you this? I really hate guys who look for a stepping stone or an affair. He may well love you, he may have seen the light, but I wouldn't give in to him. Let him demonstrate his love by action. If he starts claiming he loves both of you, run!

[ThatJustHappened]

Bottom line Jen...keep it in your pants until you see divorce papers.

 

Edit: PS, if you don't think he'll stick around if you say no to sex, then he absolutely does not love you in any way.

Edited October 30, 2012 by ThatJustHappened

[Stellar Wench]

Bottom line Jen...keep it in your pants until you see divorce papers.

 

Edit: PS, if you don't think he'll stick around if you say no to sex, then he absolutely does not love you in any way.

 

Too late for that. She's already ben intimate with him.

[ThatJustHappened]

Too late for that. She's already ben intimate with him.

 

Right but she doesn't have to continue being intimate with him. She stated in an earlier post that she was afraid of losing him if she stopped sleeping with him. She can still refuse him (though it seems like she won't). She clearly has sex confused with love, which makes her an easy and vulnerable target for predators like her MM.

[2sunny]

They knowing wife is the victim of all THEIR lies!!!

[ThatJustHappened]

Confused........sex vs love, sure. Him being a predator.........not so much. Jennifer had the benefit of a LS education, so she is not a victim. She can't claim being naive either after everything that has been posted in this thread.

 

Again, she is not a victim.

 

Oh my goodness, I didn't mean to imply that I think she's a victim! Perhaps predator was the wrong word. I just meant that he knew she would cave into him immediately so he went after her for no other reason than that she was an easy target. He knew her feelings for him and he used that knowledge to his advantage. I completely agree that she's not innocent at all. Worn down by years of unrequited love perhaps (which is not an excuse by any means, because she is the one who kept perpetuating her feelings instead of making an effort to move on), but not a victim.

[stillafool]

Jennifer are you out there? How are you doing today?