truthbetold Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 i just got off the phone with him. He was going to come see me because he was worried about me, but i told him I'm ok. i asked what he wanted to talk about, he sounded so confused. He told me he wants me to know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said hewants me to know how much i mean to him. He said he feels so guilty about what we're doing and he hates that. He shouldn't have to feel guilt about us. He doesn't want to hide us. He said wants to tell her...he said he's going to tell her.he asked if I'd marry him after he tells her. Why do you think he shouldn't feel guilty? BC you knew him "first" and so have entitlement to him? Fact is he CHOOSE to marry someone else, Jennifer. You guys aren't toddlers where you can go back on things and say things like "it's mine bc I saw it first" So, yeah sorry but he should very much feel guilty and it's would be extremely disturbing if he didn't. I'm glad if he's serious about telling his wife despite all the trauma of the storm, as I said there is no right time. And she deserves someone who truly loves her, not bail when marriage becomes more routine. Josh should have told her before sleeping with you, but like you said you likely encouraged that as well as he. Jennifer marrying him straight out of a divorce? It seems he's still playing pretend. He shouldn't even think about marrying you yet until he processes the feelings of his divorce. Unless he's heartless, he's going to have to grieve his marriage and that takes some time. Asking you to marry him when he's not even divorced not only sounds like fantasy, but also someone that doesn't deal too well with well thought out decisions. And can't stand to be alone, not a good quality to have. You're going to need lots of luck to not go crazy wondering about this one once all the dust settles. Your life your choices. Keep us posted. What a ride indeed for less than 2 weeks.... Since you went to the wedding though, did you tell him the full extent of your love for him? Or did you just hide behind some puppy love crush and he really didn't know? Because if knew and still married, and now this....ay yi. Your ride is just beginning. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I never really confessed my love for him before he married, but it was way obvious. As you can see, I'm a very emotional person lol Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He wants a soft place to land. I'm sorry, but I believe he has problems in his marriage and he is using you as a sure thing, maybe to get back at his wife for something. There's just no other reason why he would wait seventeen years, marry someone else, then suddenly contact you out of the blue with the propositions of love. Did he just wake up one morning and decide he loves you? No... something happened on his end with his M, I would bet. Why on earth, if you think he is making excuses and that he needs to deal with his M, did you ask him to move in? I take back what I said before. I really did all but know you would jump at whatever he offered and not set any boundaries. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yikes Jennifer I just saw your latest update, you indeed may have a toddler mentality on your hands, he needs to hide behind mommy's skirt? You should tell him not to come, to deal with telling her first. For all you know she knows nothing about this and he's saying he has to stay over for a work thing. You shouldn't be involved in the plan. If he divorces FOR you Jennifer and not for himself, it's not going to work out for you two. He HAS to want to leave with or WITHOUT you it can't be about you. It's not romantic Jennifer please understand that, it's tragic. How are you going to feel when she eventually finds out about you? I mean she knows you two were friends and now this? Wow, it would make me absolutely and more but I'm not you. I just mean this must be so much more difficult since you know her and were presumably a supporter of their marriage, so she thought instead she will find out you were a saboteur. Again, I'm not ever trying to be mean with you. You gotta admit this is a mess and I just want to keep a real perspective for you. I'm sure you understand she's not going to be happy if you two are playing house. And honestly you should avoid that but you'll do what you will. Just also understand two, just bc you feel you are fated. His confusion may increase if she decides not to step aside just bc you knew him first. You really can't be sure he didn't do all this to "get" her attention. Scoff if you will but that's been known to be one of the major causes of affairs, to get the wife's attention back. I just don't want to see you more hurt and you could avoid this, you really could. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 He wants a soft place to land. I'm sorry, but I believe he has problems in his marriage and he is using you as a sure thing, maybe to get back at his wife for something. There's just no other reason why he would wait seventeen years, marry someone else, then suddenly contact you out of the blue with the propositions of love. Did he just wake up one morning and decide he loves you? No... something happened on his end with his M, I would bet. Why on earth, if you think he is making excuses and that he needs to deal with his M, did you ask him to move in? I take back what I said before. I really did all but know you would jump at whatever he offered and not set any boundaries. He said he's leaving her for me, how was i not gonna tell him he could stay with me? That is, of he does tell her at all Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I never really confessed my love for him before he married, but it was way obvious. As you can see, I'm a very emotional person lol How was it obvious? Obviously you were able to get him in bed. Did you try before? You said he told you he wasn't interested. Did he flat out tell you that in "so" many words or was that just through actions or inactions that you knew he wasn't interested? Guys aren't mind readers. As much as women think they should pick up on subtle hints, really not so much. They want and need a woman to be direct with what they want, otherwise they really may not know. You're probably too young to have seen it but there was a movie that comes to mind called "Some Kind of Wonderful" in the 80's. The bf girl to the guy that was pining after someone else never made her feelings known. She talked to him and even helped him impress the other girl. She hoped he picked up on the clues instead of just telling him. I think now, I'd probably want to smack her lol, just bc I hate when people or women especially play games to try to get what they want instead of just communicating. All that cutesy shy crap has no place in building a real relationship/marriage. Anyway I fear now what Tenacity has said. Something happened and he's using you Jennifer. I'm really sorry but guard your heart, something isn't right. To go to this after seventeen years and such a change in less than two weeks....just guard your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He said he's leaving her for me, how was i not gonna tell him he could stay with me? That is, of he does tell her at all You could wait until he does it, gets divorced, and is actually available to be with you, because all he has done is tell you words. You have no idea what's really going on. Now you are shacking up with a married man.... some other woman's husband. His wife will probably want to kill you when she finds out. What a mess. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 He said he's leaving her for me, how was i not gonna tell him he could stay with me? That is, of he does tell her at all Again Jennifer he better be leaving for HIM if it's for you. IT WILL NOT WORK. You asked if there's success stories here and people replied there's a few. I guarantee not one of them was a success bc he left solely for the OW. He HAS to leave for himself, you need to understand that. I can already see you're romanticizing this like your prince is coming on his steed for you. It WILL end disastrously if he leaves for any other reason than HE is done with the marriage HIMSELF. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes Jennifer when/if he tells her tonight, she will probably want to contact you. Do you know what you will say to her? You'd better start thinking about what you want to say because she may not be the type who will ly down and take it. I get the impression from your last few posts that you are somewhat worried that he is going to back out of telling her tonight. Why is that? Also he may have brought up "the plan" because he knows her better than you and may be worried about her reaction. Who knows what she may do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Again Jennifer he better be leaving for HIM if it's for you. IT WILL NOT WORK. You asked if there's success stories here and people replied there's a few. I guarantee not one of them was a success bc he left solely for the OW. He HAS to leave for himself, you need to understand that. I can already see you're romanticizing this like your prince is coming on his steed for you. It WILL end disastrously if he leaves for any other reason than HE is done with the marriage HIMSELF. I totally agree. If he does leave, i want it to be HIS decision. Not because i provoked him... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Yes Jennifer when/if he tells her tonight, she will probably want to contact you. Do you know what you will say to her? You'd better start thinking about what you want to say because she may not be the type who will ly down and take it. I get the impression from your last few posts that you are somewhat worried that he is going to back out of telling her tonight. Why is that? Also he may have brought up "the plan" because he knows her better than you and may be worried about her reaction. Who knows what she may do. Because i know Josh. He's called me three times in the past h two hours, asking what i think of this and that, what should we do about so and so, i don't know. He's a stable person, he's a shot caller. A take action guy, why all the uncertainties now? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Because i know Josh. He's called me three times in the past h two hours, asking what i think of this and that, what should we do about so and so, i don't know. He's a stable person, he's a shot caller. A take action guy, why all the uncertainties now? Second guessing his choices. Expect a LOT of this uncertainty in your near future. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Because i know Josh. He's called me three times in the past h two hours, asking what i think of this and that, what should we do about so and so, i don't know. He's a stable person, he's a shot caller. A take action guy, why all the uncertainties now? Because he wants any excuse to not tell her? Dunno - except I wouldn't advise you to take him in - UNLESS his divorce becomes FINAL!!!! And when he moves in after the D is final - he pays half of EVERYTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 Because he wants any excuse to not tell her? Dunno - except I wouldn't advise you to take him in - UNLESS his divorce becomes FINAL!!!! And when he moves in after the D is final - he pays half of EVERYTHING. Of course. That is definite. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Of course. That is definite. Then why did you tell him he could come stay with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Heartdefeated Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Neither one of you are marriage material. Marriage isn't just about fairy tale 'love' Marriage is building a life with someone with the understanding that there WILL be obstacles that you must both overcome during the course of your life together that will bond you closer, assuming that you BOTH are strong enough. Most people are not marriage material. These obstacles include losing attraction for your spouse, falling out of 'love', being attracted to other people, financial woes etc. Couples that can work through these issues come out the other end closer and more truly in love than the prepackaged romantic "love" spoon fed to us through the media and movies. He has a rough patch and he wants out of his marriage? All people have rough patches in a marriage. True love is loving another without any expectations. I have a hard time believing that you aren't some amateur romantic author penning a horribly written romance novel since there seems to be so many 'Twilight' like themes in your posts. This can't be real. There can't be a woman this weak with so little love for herself that is willing to be a doormat just because a married man is experiencing a tough time in his marriage that is par for the course. If you loved him selflessly, you would want his marriage to work. Most marriages fail due to the romantic notion that 'love' conquers all. Will you combine bank accounts? How much debt does he have? Does he own a home? Will he get the home, or will she? What are his worst habits? Will you file taxes together? Can you cook a meal he will enjoy? Do his parents like you? Will they approve of his divorce? If you divorce someday, will you split custody of your potential children? Just the tip of the iceberg on just the superficial logistics of marriage. It's not all roses and secret sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Then why did you tell him he could come stay with you? I said stay...not move in Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Just a side note, but as a former NY'er, I have spent the past two days heartbroken and devastated over the situation on the East coast. Even though none of my friends were killed or hurt, seeing so many people suffer such tremendous loss is extremely painful. So, I must say that I find it abhorrent that this man that you so glowingly describe as being so "nice", would consider for even a moment leaving his wife IN NEW JERSEY at a time like this! Wow, just wow... Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Just a side note, but as a former NY'er, I have spent the past two days heartbroken and devastated over the situation on the East coast. Even though none of my friends were killed or hurt, seeing so many people suffer such tremendous loss is extremely painful. So, I must say that I find it abhorrent that this man that you so glowingly describe as being so "nice", would consider for even a moment leaving his wife IN NEW JERSEY at a time like this! Wow, just wow... Ordinarily I would totally agree. But this Josh and the abomination he's made for his vows. I don't think his wife should be subjected to ONE.MORE.SECOND of is making a mockery of their vows and being fake to her. She deserves so much more *if* he really wants out of his marriage. It's a hideous time I agree, but I don't think there's a good time. I suppose there are worse times than others but as a whole I would think the less amount of time that the wife has to wonder what was real and what was fake is a less amount, then all the better. Right now Josh has gone from saying he was "fairly" happy in his marriage on Oct 22. To wanting a divorce on Oct 31. That's not a whole lot of fake time the wife has to reconcile. I don't think Jennifer should continue to be his doormat, but she'll do what she will so at least the wife should get some peace about the spineless POS it turns out that she's married to. Jennifer good guys don't do this, to their wives or other women, they just don't. He should have realized his love for you looooong before this. You really should tell him not to come until she knows. Things like this have really ended horribly if the wife finds out on her own. Really think about that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Its really not fair fit him to get called a POS, this had got to be hard for him too, ok? Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 TBT, I absolutely agree with you that his wife will be much better off without him....I just find it unconscionable (and, frankly, unbelievable) that in all the chaos of being evacuated from his damaged home, being surrounded by crisis, and with the logistics involved in traveling to/from Manhattan, he would choose this time to walk away from his marriage. Before the storm, he was saying how he needed time (for what?) but NOW that there are many "good" reasons to ask her to wait until he can take care of his responsibilities (his damaged home, for one), he has no hesitation? There is more to this story than what we know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 i just got off the phone with him. He was going to come see me because he was worried about me, but i told him I'm ok. i asked what he wanted to talk about, he sounded so confused. He told me he wants me to know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said hewants me to know how much i mean to him. He said he feels so guilty about what we're doing and he hates that. He shouldn't have to feel guilt about us. He doesn't want to hide us. He said wants to tell her...he said he's going to tell her.he asked if I'd marry him after he tells her. Well, the surprise of the century. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 I said stay...not move in So he comes and stays with you even though he hasn't even filed for D - much less allowed enough time to have it be finalized. Do you see how wrong that order is? What's wrong with HIM putting on HIS big boy pants and RENTING his OWN place? Why do YOU need to provide him with a place to run off to? What do you think his wife will think when she finds out he's moved to your place? And you know as well as any of us - once he's here - he's not likely to move to his own place - and IF you haven't made an agreement LONG BEFORE he arrives - he may never pay a penny! He's a man - he should act lie one - and stand on his own two feet and figure out his next move on his own! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Its really not fair fit him to get called a POS, this had got to be hard for him too, ok? Sorry Jennifer perhaps one day when you're married and realize just how much those vows "should" mean between the two people, and have one trample on them like that and desecrate them, what would you call it? Jennifer I really, really want you to get out of this, bc I only see future hurt for you. I get you don't believe that, I get it's all love and roses and dreams coming true. But in your case and seventeen years later? I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you I don't. If this is "so hard" on Josh, he should have thought of that before enticing you. HE made vows he was supposed to honor. He's a POS not just of what he did to his wife, but the future pain he's going to bring on you and that you don't see it yet. Good, mature guys don't do what he did when the marriage hits a rough patch, they just don't. He's shown himself to have very poor coping skills and that doesn't bode well for ANY future marriage with him until he figures himself out. People shouldn't just go jumping into marriage when they're too immature to understand what it entails. You're going to have bad times, not necessarily with each other but outside circumstances. The selfish and immature look outside the marriage. The strong and worthy guys work it out BEFORE dragging others into their mess One day if you're married yourself, you'll understand just what the bid deal was with what he did and why I refer to him as a POS. I still think there's a lot of merit to Tenacity's thoughts. I think he's going through a rough patch with her and he's trying to get her attention. And if he is you're caught in the middle and that makes me sad that you're not willing to even entertain that thought. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 That's much different than filing for divorce. Time will show you how it works out. Many spouses fight hard to get the cheating spouse to repair the damage they caused. Does he plan to inform her that he had sex with you? Well, the point is that he's chosen Jen now, right? Link to post Share on other sites
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