He said he loves me..but he's married

[ilovedhim]

This op came to ls because she didn't want to be in an affaor but wanted the mm legitimately. We gave her advice, but now she is choosing the affair instead. She said she's happy and that's really all there is to it. .. until she comes back in a few months a mess when he hasn't left his wife and she wants more... again.

 

I too agree the other thread should have been locked instead of pulled down. It contained a lot of really good advice for people who just lurk looking for answers.

[2sunny]

He's got you in the position he wanted...

 

There's NO reason for him to change a thing!

 

You are ALLOWING it - you allow him to use you.

 

Why is that good enough?

 

You should think more of yourself and less of this dirtbag.

[stillafool]

Yes, you're probably right. But i know i want him, and no one else, so i figured why not give him the benefit of the doubt.....for now anyway.

 

Then give him the benefit of the doubt but now SEX! You still are not making this guy accountable for anything. Did you ask him what difference the storm, her moms surgery, or any of that has to do with him telling her he is leaving and getting a divorce? Did you ask him why he keeps putting it off?

I think it is really sick how you don't have any guilt about what you are doing to his wife. You have met her, seen her face to face. How could you let him continue to fool her and not demand he confront her with his plans to leave her and marry you? His wife is away caring for her mother and the two of you are screwing and plotting behind her back. How :sick:! Why don't you 'woman up' and do the right thing?

[CarboniteCammy]

What if he never tells her?

 

Do you have a cut off date in your mind? Like, "I'll wait a year on him and if he still hasn't told her, I'm going to get out of this situation."

 

I feel horrible for the wife. Honestly, she probably has no clue. I would be so devestated. You don't marry someone because you think they will sleep around on you. You marry someone because they're your best friend and you think they'll always have your back, no matter what 'til death do us part.

 

Jen, you should tell his wife. She, unlike you or your MM, is living a lie. She thinks he's faithful. You know the truth. I feel that his wife probably deserves better then being in love with such a coward.

 

On the other hand, Jen, I sort of feel that you and this MM deserve each other.

[jennifernyc84]

Then give him the benefit of the doubt but now SEX! You still are not making this guy accountable for anything. Did you ask him what difference the storm, her moms surgery, or any of that has to do with him telling her he is leaving and getting a divorce? Did you ask him why he keeps putting it off?

I think it is really sick how you don't have any guilt about what you are doing to his wife. You have met her, seen her face to face. How could you let him continue to fool her and not demand he confront her with his plans to leave her and marry you? His wife is away caring for her mother and the two of you are screwing and plotting behind her back. How :sick:! Why don't you 'woman up' and do the right thing?

 

I told you why, i think his wife is his problem to handle. Not mine.

 

I have asked him to tell her and that's what he told me, there's too much going on...his words

[veggirl]

I told you why, i think his wife is his problem to handle. Not mine.

 

I have asked him to tell her and that's what he told me, there's too much going on...his words

 

Ask him when he plans on telling her. Ask him if he is going to wait until the new year?! Make him answer you. Tell him you will not continue this way indefinitely and you need to know.

[2sunny]

I told you why, i think his wife is his problem to handle. Not mine.

 

I have asked him to tell her and that's what he told me, there's too much going on...his words

 

There will always be too much going on - because he doesn't intend to be honest with his wife.

 

You can tell her your truth " I'm having sex with your H because he doesn't want kids with you".

[2sunny]

Sure it does. When the truth is revealed - then his wife has a chance to make a decision about what's REALLY going on.

[Owl]

And if he's planning on leaving her, then it probably doesn't matter. He'd have already made his choice and why should Jen make a mess that doesn' need to be made.

 

 

Is the real basis of the entire conversation here. As evidenced by countless threads here and on other boards, it's highly, highly unlikely. Especially given the OP's other circumstances.

 

That's the crux...most here simply do not believe that this is true, and feel that the story told by the OP supports that conclusion.

 

IF it's true...then it won't matter, as his wife will find out very soon when he does leave her.

 

IF it's not, as so many suspect...then clearly she needs to learn the truth some other way...which is again the point of ensuring that she's told.

 

Simple enough.

[Decorative]

.

 

It's not always about the wife you know.

 

.

 

 

Make up your mind. It is or it isn't about the wife.

 

From you:

 

Most people should expect that their spouses will eventually cheat. Many do.

Especially the ones where their spouse stopped bothering or their relationship

became too much work. Sounds like this is a case of the wife was trying to

manipulate her husband into getting what she wanted, and he didn't. Sounds like

she certainly should have expected that would cause some problems.

[Tara247]

Because you want to.

 

If you really want to know that it's not just about sex then stop sleeping with him until he tells her.

 

I agree with this, Jen.

[2sunny]

And if he's planning on leaving her, then it probably doesn't matter. He'd have already made his choice and why should Jen make a mess that doesn' need to be made.

 

It's not always about the wife you know.

 

 

I do see SLEEPING with another persons spouse as cruel - yes, mainly because there's no honesty in that.

 

You can argue it all you want - but when the spouse doesn't know - there's a lie.

 

My suggestion was to tell his wife - I still think she DESERVES to know what's REALLY happening.

Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tenacity]

LFH, you clearly didn't read any of the other thread because you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

Just because you are in an A that hasn't exploded on you yet, or just because it's special and different and may last forever, does not mean you should encourage people to behave the same way you do. Your situation, as I remember it, is that you don't care that the MM won't marry you. Most people don't feel that way.... or don't end up feeling that way. This OP thinks this man is going to ride off into the sunset with her as his W.

 

And frankly, your viewpoint -- and encouragement of others to believe the same -- that "you have nothing to do with his M" even though you are screwing her husband is just sick. If nothing else, just because you think it's acceptable to treat a spouse that way. Bet things would be quite different if you were the betrayed wife.

[ThatJustHappened]

there isn't one? It's not really anyone's JOB or place to blast anyone for their choice.

Others obviously feel otherwise.

 

Unlikely maybe, or maybe not. I currently know 3 couples who were in previous extra marital relationships who are now getting married. I know several who are headed that way and a couple that has opted out of the concept of marriage althogether but been together for 4 years after their respective divorces. I admit I didn't read the previous thread so there might be info I'm missing... but I've always stood behind the point that the people IN the relationship know it better than anyone reading what's posted, and if she and he say he's planning on telling her then why wouldn't we believe it until there's a reason to doubt it WITHIN this couple?

 

 

Well this IS the OW board, where the purpose is FOR the OW.

 

 

I'm just saying, the OW doesn't always need to bother herself with worrying about his wife, that should be his problem.

 

As you mentioned, you missed Jennifer's other thread. She has already said that she does not want to be the OW, she wants her MM to leave his wife for her. And yet she has strayed into OW territory and is setting herself up to possibly be hurt very badly, hence the warnings from other posters.

[Tara247]

Jen, it's time for him to tell her and get it over with. Like the others on here have stated, it's never going to be a good time. Her mother is having "minor" surgery, not major surger. And, no, telling her is not something you need to do. Let him tell her.

[sweetjasmine]

I admit I didn't read the previous thread so there might be info I'm missing...

 

I have no idea whether this will change your opinion, but these are the basics from the other thread as far as I remember them. The OP has known her MM and has been in love with him for 17 years, since they were in high school. He said he never felt that way about her. He married two years ago, and Jen maintained her distance because it hurt to see him with his wife. They maintained low contact, and two weeks ago, he said he loved her. It apparently came out of the blue. She basically got up the nerve to say that he needed to decide between her and his wife, and he said, "Okay. Take care." She asked if he was happy with his wife, and he gave a waffly, non-committal answer. That his marriage was "okay." They kept communicating, and he visited her in the city, where of course they ended up sleeping together.

 

Since then, he has asked Jen to marry him and said that he wants to have children with her. He also wanted to move into her apartment before even telling his wife.

 

So after 17 years of knowing each other, he suddenly realizes he loves her, out of the blue, and then two weeks later proposes marriage. But he still won't tell his wife, and Jen is scared he'll leave if she stops having sex with him or if she pressures him to actually get a divorce. She's written that she wants a family with him, but that she'd rather take scraps and pieces than nothing at all.

 

Sure sounds like a healthy situation, doesn't it.

[2sunny]

Handing him all your power will always put you at the mercy of what he does or doesn't do.

 

You can decide to take your power back.

[Tenacity]

All opinions are welcome, just because you don't like it doesn't mean you can be insulting.

I have a viewpoint. I am welcome to share it. Just because I would never encourage anyone to actively seek out a relationship with a married man doesn't mean that I can't offer a different perspective or viewpoint. The other thread, where I may have gotten different infomration is not here for me to read so I base my opinion based on the data at hand. I already said I did not read it.

 

Personally I think it's sick the way people encourage others to go throw things in the BS's face. If anyone is telling it should be the WS.

 

I personally never said a word about anyone other than the cheating husband telling his wife.

 

My opinion isn't meant to be insulting; it's just my opinion. Of course everyone has a right to give theirs. I just think it would be good to ask questions or get some background before giving advice if you admittedly don't know important details.

[Owl]

Unlikely maybe, or maybe not. I currently know 3 couples who were in previous extra marital relationships who are now getting married. I know several who are headed that way and a couple that has opted out of the concept of marriage althogether but been together for 4 years after their respective divorces. I admit I didn't read the previous thread so there might be info I'm missing... but I've always stood behind the point that the people IN the relationship know it better than anyone reading what's posted, and if she and he say he's planning on telling her then why wouldn't we believe it until there's a reason to doubt it WITHIN this couple?

 

Well, you and I have disagreed on the idea that those in the situation can best the see that situation many times...we know we don't agree on that point for sure.

 

But...that's your opinion, and (just as you're telling others here) you can't try to limit what others post because your opinion doesn't agree with theirs.

 

It's fine to post an opposing or differing opinion...but it's not ok to tell others they can't/shouldn't post theirs.

 

I disagree with your opinions and views...but respect your right to post them, and expect you to respect my right to disagree with them if needed as well. (and I need to respect your right to disagree with me as well).

 

So, why don't we all stop trying to tell each other what (not to) post???????

[2sunny]

So - let's look at what a great guy he is:

 

His place he calls home is most likely in shambles.

He hunkers down while the storm passes.

He sneaks out to call his OW.

 

 

Mother in law needs surgery.

Wife goes to help Mom.

 

Husband sneaks off wile wife is busy with Mom - so he can get his @@@ wet.

 

Husband runs back to unknowing wife -knowing he just bumped his OW back into her proper (waiting) place so she has lower expectations.

 

Husband uses his OW while his wife is unaware of what truth her husband is doing to her and his OW - husband CAUSES many people pain - all the while referring to all of it as "love".

 

 

Does this look like a great guy?

[sweetjasmine]

Anything that advises you guard your heart until you know you can depend on someone is good advice.

 

Absolutely! And this MM has her wrapped around his finger, since she's been waiting for him to throw her a bone for 17 years. Even if he were single, this situation would be unhealthy for her, IMO. When you pine for someone for that long and put them on such a high pedestal, you'll find you happily twist yourself into a pretzel trying to please them even if it hurts you.

[stillafool]

I told you why, i think his wife is his problem to handle. Not mine.

 

I have asked him to tell her and that's what he told me, there's too much going on...his words

 

Yes it may be his problem to tell his wife but have you asked him why it is taking so long? Why are you still having sex with him when you know he has not revealed you affair to his wife? Did you make him give you a time line and a date for D-Day? Do you even discuss these things or are you just so thrilled to have a piece of him anyway you can? There are no excuses Jen. You let him manipulate you and you need to stand strong.

[jennifernyc84]

He called me from work to tell me she'll be back tonight. I asked him what he thought about telling her tonight. He got a little nervous, i could hear it his voice. But he said he would. I told him why don't we hold off on anymore hanky-panky until its done, for her respect..he didn't oblige..so, maybe this is it.

[Tenacity]

He called me from work to tell me she'll be back tonight. I asked him what he thought about telling her tonight. He got a little nervous, i could hear it his voice. But he said he would. I told him why don't we hold off on anymore hanky-panky until its done, for her respect..he didn't oblige..so, maybe this is it.

 

Good for you.

[stillafool]

He called me from work to tell me she'll be back tonight. I asked him what he thought about telling her tonight. He got a little nervous, i could hear it his voice. But he said he would. I told him why don't we hold off on anymore hanky-panky until its done, for her respect..he didn't oblige..so, maybe this is it.

 

 

Thank God you stood up for yourself and his wife. Now if he doesn't do it tonight don't be all nicey nicey tomorrow with him. Push the issue so he will know you expect him to keep his word on all the things he has said and promised you. We shall see tomorrow if this guy is just blowing smoke.