Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Yeah, well doing the right thing of overrated. I feel worse more than ever before. I can't imagine feeling any worse than i do now. Its impossible. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 In my defense, he wasn't married when i met him. And you really can't control who you fall for. Only your actions and what yoiu do with those feelings. i havn't done anything ok? I told him to screw off,, isn't that enough? Again, i totally pushed MY feelings away for the sake of someone else. And the best part is, i still get called a cheater...sure, why not. Rub salt in my wounds. No one called you a cheater. In fact you are to be admired from resisting the urge to be the concubine. I said to stay away from the cheater. You can control who you love if you decide they are not good for you. Just go permanent NC and you will forget this man Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 So he kept texting me last night and i was going to text him back but i figured his wife might see the text, so i called him this morning. He asked if i was angry at him, i said no, and i told him i love him. I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said. I don't know how i got the strength to do that. It took alot out of me. Like i ripped my own heart out of my chest. Imagine winning the lottery, and saying, no thanks, I'm good. I feel worse now than every before. After what i went thru when he got married i promised myself I'd never cry over him again. I'm telling you this is so much worst. I gave him up. I he'll never leave her now. If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. I feel like dying inside. How did this happen to me?i don't deserve this. No he wouldn't have left his wife sooner or later if you had said yes. He is just looking for some extra on the side and hoped you would be the one to give it to him. He knows you are weak for him and uses it to his advantage. I am so proud of you for telling him to divorce first and then the two of you could be together. Of course he did not go for that option because he does not want to divorce his wife. The next time he tells you he loves you ask him if he told his wife that he loves you. Afterall, he told you he loves her too. He will not because he doesn't love you the same way he loves her. If he truly was torn between the two of you he would at least move out on his own until he figured it out. You need to go strict NC with this loser to teach him a lesson. Stop taking his calls and woman up. At 27 you are stronger than you think you are. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Yeah, well doing the right thing of overrated. I feel worse more than ever before. I can't imagine feeling any worse than i do now. Its impossible. No you would feel worse if you had an affair with him, his wife found out, and MM threw you under the bus. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. I feel like dying inside. How did this happen to me?i don't deserve this. Please don't fall into that trap of believing such a bogus thought. It couldn't be further from the truth. How this happen to you? This young man, has known you for what? at least 17 years? he knows who you are, and how you feel about him. Unfortunantly, the fact that he's willing, to take advantage, of the feelings, you have for him, doesn' t speak well of him. No, you don't deserve this. Remember that. Remind yourself of that when you get the urge to call or text him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 No one called you a cheater. In fact you are to be admired from resisting the urge to be the concubine. I said to stay away from the cheater. You can control who you love if you decide they are not good for you. Just go permanent NC and you will forget this man Be proud of yourself for telling him to stay away. Now delete him from your life! He essentially asked you to degrade yourself - you should be mad at him = that's NOT what a friend does! He's not leaving her - he just wanted a side dish - don't let that be you! Stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Sounds to me like he was getting upset you weren't giving him your normal attention so he reached out to you with bait and you took it. I had a man in my life like this although he was single. I loved him SO much and he strung me along for years until one day I had enough. He would always wiggle back in and one day I just asked him, is there a chance we will ever be together or not? You need to let me know if not so I can move on. He said " I just can't answer that". Meaning, I don't want you to move on. Ughh... I deleted him from my life and haven't looked back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Sounds to me like he was getting upset you weren't giving him your normal attention so he reached out to you with bait and you took it. I had a man in my life like this although he was single. I loved him SO much and he strung me along for years until one day I had enough. He would always wiggle back in and one day I just asked him, is there a chance we will ever be together or not? You need to let me know if not so I can move on. He said " I just can't answer that". Meaning, I don't want you to move on. Ughh... I deleted him from my life and haven't looked back. But you see, that's my problem. I don't WANT to delete him from my life. that's the opposite of what i want Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett5 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 But you see, that's my problem. I don't WANT to delete him from my life. that's the opposite of what i want Ending an affair, or cutting contact with someone you love who is not available, is exactly that - doing the opposite of what you want. But you do it because it's what you need - for your own good and sanity. Believe me, you will be dying much more inside if you carry this on any longer and let him get further inside your head. Gain control of your life and your future by taking the great advice on here and walking away from this man. Tell him once he has ended his marriage, if you still feel the same, you will be willing to discuss it with him. Until then, protect yourself. You're the only one who can do this and you'll be thankful you listened 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Sounds to me like he was getting upset you weren't giving him your normal attention so he reached out to you with bait and you took it. I had a man in my life like this although he was single. I loved him SO much and he strung me along for years until one day I had enough. He would always wiggle back in and one day I just asked him, is there a chance we will ever be together or not? You need to let me know if not so I can move on. He said " I just can't answer that". Meaning, I don't want you to move on. Ughh... I deleted him from my life and haven't looked back. Besides the fact that i love him, he's also my very best friend and i can't just judge him solely on this situation. He's not always like this, trust me. He's the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever met. He honestly is. He's having a slump in his marriage and is used to having me there to uplift him. This time is no different. Its just that this time i don't think i can fix this for him.without hurting myself in the process Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. He's "kinda" happy with her. He loves her. (But he also loves you). He doesn't know if he will ever leave her. And then, he wasn't particularly cut up when you told him to call you if he leaves her. Jennifer, I think he's being very clear about what his intentions are here. He's not even trying to fool you into thinking he might one day leave for you. He's telling you pretty clearly that he wants you in his life - but as his lover, not as his wife or even his girlfriend. He's being clear here so that down the track when he doesn't leave her, and you get upset with him for "leading you on", he can say perfectly honestly that he never lied, that he never promised he'd leave her, that he let you know from the start what his intentions are. You're choosing not to believe him. You're choosing to hope that a taste of Jennifer will wean him off his wife and convince him to leave her and take up with you instead. He's being very clear that that's not his intention. He wants you, but he's not willing to leave her. So that leaves you with the choice - are you happy to be "the other woman" while he remains married? Are you happy to have an affair with him, knowing that that is all he wants from you? Would you prefer having him part-time, knowing he has no intention of leaving her, to not having him at all? Those are your choices. An affair, or nothing. That is what he is offering you. You might prefer the affair to not having him in your life at all, and some women are quite comfortable with that and some even prefer that to full-time possibilities. But I sense from your post that you want him full-time, and that you would see the affair as merely a stepping-stone along the way to getting what you'd prefer, which is a full-time relationship. But he's not interested in that, and the chances of him becoming interested in that are remote. He's passed up the chance before. What he's looking for now is something to help alleviate the tedium and disappointment of his marriage. He is not looking to replace that, but rather to augment that. He has been married for two years. His wife might soon start wanting children. How would you feel if you were in a relationship with him and you discovered she was pregnant? How would you feel if you wanted children with him, but he made it clear that she was his wife and she was the one he wanted to have children with? Are you prepared to put yourself through all of that? You love him and want him more than he loves and wants you. That is a serious asymmetry in your relationship with him and he is exploiting that. He is indifferent to your hurting and that is not what I equate with love. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Trust me, I didn't want to either. This was a dear close friend for many many years. After being away from him for a long time he would catch me on man and send me photos of himself riding a horse (I'm a horse owner), or call me out of blue and say "oh I'm at a party with my gf but I hate it here I really miss our friendship blah blah blah". He was wanting an ego boost and that was all. He wouldn't stop with this to the point where I had to delete him from my phone, Change my number, block his email. It was all just to make sure I never forgot about him. I still think about him, but I know I made the best choice for myself by moving on. This guy will do the same thing to any woman he is with, whether it is you or her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 @Radagast Well said. But the way i feel right now, having an affair with him would be better nothing at all . Idk Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Yeah, well doing the right thing of overrated. I feel worse more than ever before. I can't imagine feeling any worse than i do now. Its impossible. The good news about this is that things can only get better from here. Heartbreak sucks. It's one of the very worst types of pain imaginable, and unfortunately there's no quick fix. But I PROMISE you that time helps. A lot. Now you know what a turd he is and you can begin thinking of him in that light instead of keeping him on the pedestal you've had him on for the last 17 years. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 @Radagast Well said. But the way i feel right now, having an affair with him would be better nothing at all . Idk Stay BUSY! An available man will come along as long as you're not so focused on this one that's unavailable yet offering you nothing but crumbs. You think THAT'S a friend? My friends don't treat me with such disregard and disrespect! IF he was your friend - you'd be over at his house socializing with him AND his WIFE! But it hasn't been that way - because he doesn't view you as a friend of THEIR MARRIAGE - just so done he can MAYBE cheat with. Don't be THAT gal! Never settle! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I know this hurts but Im concerned because you are being told one thing and hearing another. You asked him if he would ever , told him that you wait...and he said...ah, see you around: . I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said. But this is what you got from that: (??) If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. QUOTE] You did not give him up, you did not miss your chance. You did refuse to be treated like crap and you protected yourself. So...how you got there may not make sense to me ...but Youre in the right place!! Good for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 PS. NEVER tell a man you'll wait for him. He will walk all over you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Besides the fact that i love him, he's also my very best friend and i can't just judge him solely on this situation. He's not always like this, trust me. He's the sweetest, most caring guy I've ever met. He honestly is. He's having a slump in his marriage and is used to having me there to uplift him. This time is no different. Its just that this time i don't think i can fix this for him.without hurting myself in the process If he is your best friend when was the last time you were over to their house for a cook out or party? Do you bring your dates over for your best friend to meet? Do all of you plan trips together? If the answer to those questions are no he is not your best friend. You are in love with him and give him support which is inappropriate and want him to leave his wife. That is not a best friend but someone you want to be in a relationship with. He is indifferent to your pain and only wants sex with you. Wake up and get a real best friend that you don't want to have sex with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 PS. NEVER tell a man you'll wait for him. He will walk all over you. It really doesn't even matter, he doesn't want me anyway. i guess I'm only good enough to ****, not marry or even date. You know what, if he wants to throw away a life long friendship to hell with him. I'm done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 If he is your best friend when was the last time you were over to their house for a cook out or party? Do you bring your dates over for your best friend to meet? Do all of you plan trips together? If the answer to those questions are no he is not your best friend. You are in love with him and give him support which is inappropriate and want him to leave his wife. That is not a best friend but someone you want to be in a relationship with. He is indifferent to your pain and only wants sex with you. Wake up and get a real best friend that you don't want to have sex with. read the earlier posts. I distanced myself when he got married because i didn't want to deal with the pain of seeing him with her. And i also needed to get over him and figured the best way to do that was to not see him Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Jennifer -I'd like to recommend reading some of this author's articles---they're written by a former OW. Why You’re Better Than Waiting Around For Someone To Make Up Their Mind or to Spontaneously Combust into Being Available | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) Yes, i could have called him here, gone out with him and have sex with him. But the truth of the matter is, i don't want to be his mistress. Yeah, its hard and it hurts like hell to reject his offer but that's not who i am. If it were, i would not have come on here and ask strangers to give me advice. I knew all along what I'd do, i just wanted to hear that it was right from another point ofveiw Edited October 22, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator deleted reference to deleted post 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 So Josh texted me again. He said he was sorry for getting angry this morning. That he was really hurting and confused about all this. And he hopes we could still be friends. I texted him back one message. "we'll always be friends". Then he sent me a smiley face. It kinda made me feel a little better to end this on a good note. But idk if i did the right thing by replying. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Josh is not your best friend. Josh is not your friend. Josh is a cold cheating liar who was ready to use your infatuation for him for an ego stroke and extramarital sex. Let me tell you what to do about it: drop off the face of the earth for Josh. Don't take his calls, don't reply his texts or emails. If somehow he gets in touch with you, something is urgent and you need to run. No explanations. No "I love you". No friendship. He wasn't your friend. He isn't your friend. He can't be your friend. He'll use that to keep puching for a fwb arrangement. Trust me, he's already looking for the next victim. Good for you for coming here for advice. You have no idea what heartache you just avoided. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Jennifer, you have to come to grips with this yourself, but I know for me, I could never be friends with a man that I'm in love with but I can't be with. That would be torturing myself and would be holding me back from opening myself up to another relationship, one that is mutual. If I did that, I would see it as self destructive because in the back of my mind, I would know that some part of me was willing to settle for a piece of someone instead of being brave and opening myself up to the WHOLE thing. Love is a choice, you may not think it is but it really is. I've learned that when I've held on to something that wasn't good for me, it was more like an obsession, not love for them and especially not love for myself. As hard as it is........we must love ourselves more than we love someone else. Less......is always unbalanced, unhealthy. i understand what you're saying, and I'm not disagreeing with you. but when that person is telling you the things you want to heart, its really hard not to listen. Yes, its true, i love him as a man, but i also love him as my friend of over 17 years. There's no way i can give that up. Link to post Share on other sites
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