whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 (edited) Because Josh would not hold that from me, he's a big mouth. Plus, my mom talks to josh's mom all the time. They're really close friends. It would've come up. We practically have the same group of people in our circle. Many couples keep pregnancy to themselves during the first 2-3 months so this isn't fact that she is not pregnant. Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 After this, i don't think he'll be running to me. He'll probably hate me forever. I'm really nervous about talking to her. I hate confrontation.especially when I'm the one in the wrong... And make sure she knows this. that you were wrong and you are remorseful for helping him cheat on her. And yes, chances are quite high he's going to hate you for telling his wife and he'll never want to see or speak to you again. For you, that's a good thing because it means you can FINALLY get over him and grieve that loss - then you can heal and find a wonderful man who you can be with and not share, marry one day and have your own family. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 And make sure she knows this. that you were wrong and you are remorseful for helping him cheat on her. And yes, chances are quite high he's going to hate you for telling his wife and he'll never want to see or speak to you again. For you, that's a good thing because it means you can FINALLY get over him and grieve that loss - then you can heal and find a wonderful man who you can be with and not share, marry one day and have your own family. Ok, but here's the thing though: If he loved her like he told her he did, he wouldn't hate her for telling his wife. See, Jennifer, if he does hate you after this and doesn't want anything to do with you that means that everything he told you was a lie. So this will just bring you more information about him. And that's a good thing. Knowledge is power. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Ok, but here's the thing though: If he loved her like he told her he did, he wouldn't hate her for telling his wife. Well, that is not really even a question, is it? I mean, we are talking about a guy who has not been in regular contact with a woman, then calls her on the phone one day (apparently out of the blue) and tells her he loves her, wants to dump his wife and marry her. They meet and have sex twice. The end. There is no need for any proof that he does not "love her like he told her he did." Yes indeed, he WILL hate her for telling his wife. But she still should, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Here are the benefits to telling, Jen: You are protecting his wife and gifting her with the truth of her marriage AND you are standing up for yourself by letting Josh know that you will not be screwed over, lied to, and treated poorly. If Josh didn't use condoms with you, and I highly doubt you made him, he has exposed his wife to another woman's bodily fluids. The selfish pig that Josh is, I'm sure he didn't want to use condoms because it would have decreased his lustful pleasure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Well, that is not really even a question, is it? I mean, we are talking about a guy who has not been in regular contact with a woman, then calls her on the phone one day (apparently out of the blue) and tells her he loves her, wants to dump his wife and marry her. They meet and have sex twice. The end. There is no need for any proof that he does not "love her like he told her he did." Yes indeed, he WILL hate her for telling his wife. But she still should, anyway. Jen is the kind of woman that will hang on to hope and stay trapped in the affair for a very long time. Isn't that obvious to you, Chaucer? She has already stated that she remains "hopeful" that Josh really loves her and still plans to leave his wife for her. So, this confrontation will help Jen as well by telling her all she needs to know about Mr. Josh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 I don't want him to hate me. I had this whole vision. being with Josh, getting married, having his babies, growing old with him, visiting our parents together who still live in our home town. Its hard to let go of that. I'm not the victim. But it hurts.... After he's used me, lied to me, hurt me, married another woman..i still don't hate him, and don't want him to hate me. and i don't want to hurt him. I don't want to see him hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 You should be mad! Stop worrying about how he feels and start DOING what's right! That's the only thing that's gonna make you feel like you're moving forward! He's a complete douche! You dodged a bullet - because if you ended up with him - he'd likely cheat on you too! Look forward:not back. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Jen, Jen, Jen... Don't you see that if he really loved you and was going to be with you like he said he was, telling his wife wouldn't change that? Don't you see that telling her will spare her getting pregnant and bringing a baby into the world with a scummy husband that would put his penis into another woman? You need to get tough, and get some respect for yourself. Did you let him do you anyway he wanted to? He. Is. A. Pig. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I don't want him to hate me. I had this whole vision. being with Josh, getting married, having his babies, growing old with him, visiting our parents together who still live in our home town. Its hard to let go of that. I'm not the victim. But it hurts.... After he's used me, lied to me, hurt me, married another woman..i still don't hate him, and don't want him to hate me. and i don't want to hurt him. I don't want to see him hurt. That's exactly why you need to tell his wife. It will help you let go. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Jen, Jen, Jen... Don't you see that if he really loved you and was going to be with you like he said he was, telling his wife wouldn't change that? Don't you see that telling her will spare her getting pregnant and bringing a baby into the world with a scummy husband that would put his penis into another woman? You need to get tough, and get some respect for yourself. Did you let him do you anyway he wanted to? He. Is. A. Pig. It's not worth arguing for the wife's sake..Jen doesn't care about hurting her. She needs to figure out what this will do for herself. Jen, as Tara says, if he loves you, you'll be doing him a favor by telling his wife. It will mean he can leave her and be with you. If he doesn't, you'll be doing yourself a favor by cutting off a toxic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 It's not worth arguing for the wife's sake..Jen doesn't care about hurting her. She needs to figure out what this will do for herself. Jen, as Tara says, if he loves you, you'll be doing him a favor by telling his wife. It will mean he can leave her and be with you. If he doesn't, you'll be doing yourself a favor by cutting off a toxic relationship. I know. I've already decided to tell her. And i will. Its just hard to think of him hating me. Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 A man who hates you for speaking the truth is a man you don't want to be with. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Why? What do you hope to gain by telling her? Or is it for her sake? I can't believe that no one has said this before now....it is her hope that his wife will throw him out & he will come running to her because he has nowhere else to go. The thing that she (and Tara) are not considering is that if that were to happen it is not proof that he loves Jen--only that she's convenient. Of course, from what she has said in past posts, as long as she "has him", she doesn't care why. Being used is better than nothing and she can convince herself that she was his first choice after all. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I had this whole vision. being with Josh, getting married, having his babies, growing old with him, visiting our parents together who still live in our home town. Its hard to let go of that. I'm not the victim. But it hurts.... I think I mentioned this to you. You had imagined this perfect life with this perfect man and that is what happens to OW - we create in our minds just how "perfect" life would be when they end their marriage to the spouse to be with us. It rarely works out to be so perfect because what we create in our minds is far more tangible and real to us than what ever happens in reality. That is why you are hurting so much, Jen. You had latched onto this fantasy life and fantasy Josh that never really existed. The bubble has burst and in the cold light of reality, it never had a chance; THAT was what we tried to tell you from the get-go but you had to learn yourself, the hard way. What you are grappling letting go IS that fantasy that you manifested in your mind. And we are sorry you are hurting but that is why we believe you should tell his wife. Because in some realm, she is also living the fantasy of a perfect husband when you are all - in fact - just human. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Oh, yeah....and IF the reason for telling her has anything to do with being "helpful" to his wife in making a truly informed decision she should be told the WHOLE truth--including the parts about how he backed off when Jen told him no sex, that it was Jen who contacted him after he said "nevermind" & that in the end he put his wife's feelings ahead of Jen's. Unfortunately, what she will likely hear will be skewed and biased (one week will become two weeks which will become years). Yes, I agree that his wife should know what her husband has been doing but it shouldn't come from Jen. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I know. I've already decided to tell her. And i will. Its just hard to think of him hating me. Tell him you told her because you could tell he didn't have the courage to. Tell him you did it for the two of you so you two can move forward with the life he promised you - marriage, kids and a home. Tell his wife he promised you these things. Surely if he wasn't lying to you he can understand your motivation in telling her. If what he has been telling you is all lies you are not to fault for telling her. He is at fault for lying to you. So you can't get in trouble with him he will be on the line to get in trouble with you (for lying and using you) and his wife (for cheating). Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 You've known this man for 17 years, right? You should be a pretty good judge of his character by now. Is he usually honest and truthful or have you caught him in lies before? Do you trust him? He's the same man now as he was before you started the EMR. She's known him for 17 years and he's never shown the slightest bit of romantic interest in her, then all of a sudden after 2 years of barely speaking, he claims that he loves her and wants to marry her. He's also promised to tell his wife twice already and has failed to do so both times, avoided her, and then used every excuse in the book as to why he didn't do it. That doesn't seem even the slightest bit suspicious to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I think it is one thing to tell the wife about the affair if you and MM have agreed it's just an affair and he has made it clear to OW he does not plan to leave his wife. It is wrong to tell the wife in that scenario because it's done in revenge. However in Jen's case MM said he planned to divorce his wife, marry Jen and have a family with her. He also told her he has been thinking about her and loving her for a long time and that's what made him contact Jen. Jen make sure you tell his wife these things he said. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 I know. I've already decided to tell her. And i will. Its just hard to think of him hating me. The only person he will end up hating is himself, unless he was telling you the truth about you two being together. He may think he should have had the courage to do it but should be glad it is finally out in the open. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 It seems like the OP has built up a romantic relationship where none really exists...honestly, it sounds like it's all in her own mind, and that's sad. I wonder how much he encouraged her to think that there was always something between them ( at least he did once he wanted someone to have sex with outside his marriage)... up until that point, she was a friend and nothing more....but he probably knew she felt about him, and used that to his advantage when he wanted a little something on the side...all of a sudden, it's "I love you":sick:... Piffle! Now the whole things seems to have turned into one big drama filled fiesta with both sides fueling the fire...and to be completely honest, I don't get that at all. If someone wants to walk away, hard as it may be, they walk away. They block numbers, emails, whatever. They don't say they don't want contact, then turn around and make sure the contact can continue. His wife does deserve to know what's going on and it doesn't really matter where it comes from. If the end result is that he leaves to be with someone else, then there wasn't much there to start with. If his wife allows him to stay, and if he really wants it, they may be able to work things out. At least she'll know and be able to make informed decisions about her life... the sad part is that neither the OP or the married guy seem to fully realize that these are people's lives that they are fooling around with...it's not some sappy romantic song or soap opera...they both had choices to make, and their choices have led to a lot of pain and heartache and not really anything more...what will they do to change that and have some good come out of a cr@ppy situation? ( sorry if i sound grumpy...it's cold outside and i don't like November) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 This isn't fair. He's the one playing with my emotions, feeding my feelings, he's the one who told me he'd tell her in the first place, remember? He asked me if I'd marry him, told me he wanted my children..all of that! Promised me he'd tell her, broke that promise twice. Left my alone, scared, in the dark of the storm, didn't even call to check on me. He's lied to me, hurt me, abandoned me when I said no sex.. And now, I'm the crazy, psycho, heartless one. No, you don't do that to people. I'm so mad at him right now! I'm so mad at myself for believing him. I have to talk to him. I have to talk to him before anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 Whether he leaves his wife or not & regardless of whether or not his wife kicks him out, I do not believe that it has anything to do with loving Jen. Jen is a convenience. Sure, he may consider her a friend (although he obviously doesnt care much about her feelings and what pain he causes her) and I'm sure she gives him an ego boost, but he didnt just fall in love with her after 17 years out of the blue. As I said in the deleted thread, I do believe he and his wife are having some marital problems and he was planning ahead in the event he needed a place to go. He knew how Jen feels about him so all he had to do was throw her a bone and not only did he have a place to live but also unconditional adoration and free sex. The guy is a manipulative opportunist who has shown no respect for either his wife nor Jen. Both of them would be far better off without him in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 5, 2012 Author Share Posted November 5, 2012 I couldn't care less about how his wife feels, what about how I feel? Yeah, me, remember me? We're all so caught up in how "she's the victim", but what about my feelings? I'm so tired of putting myself down. Hurting myself..letting him hurt me. The one person in my life, the only person I'd give my heart to, he's the one who has hurt me the most. I should tell her just for revenge like someone here said. But it's still not in my heart to hurt him. I think I do need therapy because after all this..I still love him and still want to be with him, and still hope he leaves her... I've lost my mind..I know that. I came here for help. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted November 5, 2012 Share Posted November 5, 2012 This isn't fair. He's the one playing with my emotions, feeding my feelings, he's the one who told me he'd tell her in the first place, remember? He asked me if I'd marry him, told me he wanted my children..all of that! Promised me he'd tell her, broke that promise twice. Left my alone, scared, in the dark of the storm, didn't even call to check on me. He's lied to me, hurt me, abandoned me when I said no sex.. And now, I'm the crazy, psycho, heartless one. No, you don't do that to people. I'm so mad at him right now! I'm so mad at myself for believing him. I have to talk to him. I have to talk to him before anything else. What is there to talk to him about??? You just said that you know he has LIED to you. You say that you are angry at yourself for believing him--but you are willing to do it AGAIN and THIS TIME you DO know! Link to post Share on other sites
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