He said he loves me..but he's married

[stillafool]

But you had a choice not to get involved with a MM. You chose this even though we all said this would happen. His wife was courted, engaged and married to him that's why we consider her the "victim".

[Decorative]

I couldn't care less about how his wife feels, what about how I feel?

 

Yeah, me, remember me? We're all so caught up in how "she's the victim", but what about my feelings? I'm so tired of putting myself down. Hurting myself..letting him hurt me. The one person in my life, the only person I'd give my heart to, he's the one who has hurt me the most. I should tell her just for revenge like someone here said. But it's still not in my heart to hurt him.

 

I think I do need therapy because after all this..I still love him and still want to be with him, and still hope he leaves her...

 

I've lost my mind..I know that. I came here for help.

 

You hurt yourself. His wife did not.

[stillafool]

I couldn't care less about how his wife feels, what about how I feel?

 

Yeah, me, remember me? We're all so caught up in how "she's the victim", but what about my feelings? I'm so tired of putting myself down. Hurting myself..letting him hurt me. The one person in my life, the only person I'd give my heart to, he's the one who has hurt me the most. I should tell her just for revenge like someone here said. But it's still not in my heart to hurt him.

 

I think I do need therapy because after all this..I still love him and still want to be with him, and still hope he leaves her...

 

I've lost my mind..I know that. I came here for help.

 

You aren't supposed to be telling his wife for revenge but to make her aware of the plans Josh made with you. You would be telling her what he doesn't have the courage to say.

 

Basically by not telling her you have pretty much settled into the OW role Jen. You don't care if this guy runs over you with a Mack truck you will still be there for him. You make a stand one minute and then the thought of him being angry with you makes you back down every time. You are desperate for this guy and he knows it. You will have sex with him again and be his OW if he so chooses.

[mercy]

I couldn't care less about how his wife feels, what about how I feel?

 

Yeah, me, remember me? We're all so caught up in how "she's the victim", but what about my feelings? I'm so tired of putting myself down. Hurting myself..letting him hurt me. The one person in my life, the only person I'd give my heart to, he's the one who has hurt me the most. I should tell her just for revenge like someone here said. But it's still not in my heart to hurt him.

 

I think I do need therapy because after all this..I still love him and still want to be with him, and still hope he leaves her...

 

I've lost my mind..I know that. I came here for help.

 

Sometimes putting others feelings before our own is a good thing.

 

Maybe not focusing so much on ourselves and what feels good in this moment is a good thing.

 

Maybe seeing this man for who he truly is, is a good thing.

 

Therapy is another good thing.

[ilovedhim]

This isn't fair. He's the one playing with my emotions, feeding my feelings, he's the one who told me he'd tell her in the first place, remember?

 

He asked me if I'd marry him, told me he wanted my children..all of that!

 

Promised me he'd tell her, broke that promise twice.

 

Left my alone, scared, in the dark of the storm, didn't even call to check on me.

 

He's lied to me, hurt me, abandoned me when I said no sex..

 

And now, I'm the crazy, psycho, heartless one. No, you don't do that to people.

 

I'm so mad at him right now! I'm so mad at myself for believing him.

 

I have to talk to him. I have to talk to him before anything else.

 

(((SLAP))) get a grip!

 

What are you going to talk to him about? If you tell him you're going to tell his wife he preemptively piant you as the person you mentioned above.. .psycho crazy etc

 

You will taking back control of your life once you talk to his wife. You'll have answers. And when knows maybe Josh too.

[ComingInHot]

Hey Jen;

Couple things here to get back to the Reality of the situation:

 

Yes. Wife IS the victim here.

 

And is this true that all this drama is over a couple of weeks?!

Dude, Waaaay out of control.

 

You are throwing YEARS of crushing and fantasizing about a guy into the whole two or three weeks. Stop it. This is Not reality.

 

I get it though. Finally a shot w/the man of your hearts desire. Thing is Jen the man is (as of yet) not showing Anything desire able to everyone here at LS...

 

This man you have known to some extent is MARRIED. this man is a CHEATER. This man is a LIER. This man is ( and correct me if I'm wrong as maybe you like the afor mentioned qualities) is NOT the man you've been crushing on all these years and now he is encouraging you to become someone you don't want to be. Someone you are ashamed to share w/your own parents.

 

How does the REALITY sit w/you? Are you "good" w/it? I mean it's all for love ( your love at least) right??

[Tara247]

This isn't fair. He's the one playing with my emotions, feeding my feelings, he's the one who told me he'd tell her in the first place, remember?

 

He asked me if I'd marry him, told me he wanted my children..all of that!

 

Promised me he'd tell her, broke that promise twice.

 

Left my alone, scared, in the dark of the storm, didn't even call to check on me.

 

He's lied to me, hurt me, abandoned me when I said no sex..

 

And now, I'm the crazy, psycho, heartless one. No, you don't do that to people.

 

I'm so mad at him right now! I'm so mad at myself for believing him.

 

I have to talk to him. I have to talk to him before anything else.

 

NO, Jen. Don't. He will talk you out of telling her. Just go ahead and do it.

Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tara247]

I couldn't care less about how his wife feels, what about how I feel?

 

Yeah, me, remember me? We're all so caught up in how "she's the victim", but what about my feelings? I'm so tired of putting myself down. Hurting myself..letting him hurt me. The one person in my life, the only person I'd give my heart to, he's the one who has hurt me the most. I should tell her just for revenge like someone here said. But it's still not in my heart to hurt him.

 

I think I do need therapy because after all this..I still love him and still want to be with him, and still hope he leaves her...

 

I've lost my mind..I know that. I came here for help.

 

In your current state of mind, you're going to continue to be the OW. He said he would tell his wife and he didn't, did he? He had time to do it since you confronted him and called him what he was, a liar. He could have done it by now, and come to you. But, he didn't.

 

How long are you going to keep hoping? Until he uses you up.

[Owl]

I couldn't care less about how his wife feels, what about how I feel?

 

Yeah, me, remember me? We're all so caught up in how "she's the victim", but what about my feelings? I'm so tired of putting myself down. Hurting myself..letting him hurt me. The one person in my life, the only person I'd give my heart to, he's the one who has hurt me the most. I should tell her just for revenge like someone here said. But it's still not in my heart to hurt him.

 

I think I do need therapy because after all this..I still love him and still want to be with him, and still hope he leaves her...

 

I've lost my mind..I know that. I came here for help.

 

Then change the situation.

 

Stop putting yourself in a position in which he can/will hurt you.

 

You're not the victim here. You went into this willingly, knowing (and even advised of) the probable outcomes...you knew the odds (even discussed the odds here on LS), and yet you played anyway.

 

And here you are.

 

So...if you don't want the situation to continue...change the situation. Remove yourself from it, completely and totally. Take ACTIVE MEASURES to get control back by preventing him from casually, easily contacting you. Remove his avenues of approach. If he keeps coming...spell out consequences for him violating your boundaries, and be prepared to enforce those consequences if needed.

 

I get that you're hurting...don't take me wrong.

 

But I'll tell you...you're hurting because of the choices you made and the actions you pursued. You willingly, intentionally took the route that was likely to end with you being hurt. Acknowledge that...own it. Accept your own personal responsibility in it. Learn from it...and move on.

 

THAT is how you heal, and grow.

[2sunny]

This MM intended to cheat - with or without Jen.

 

He needs to address THAT within his M - with his W. when his W knows that he was willing to (and did) harm the M with his selfish actions instead of talking to her about the problems in the M.

 

That is HIS disconnect! HE didn't take it up with the gal HE married!

 

And even IF the M doesn't work now - there's no way I would encourage ANY gal to settle for a guy who doesn't communicate honestly win the M.

 

He has SO MUCH work to do on himself... EvenIF he wasn't married any longer - he would still be a sad choice because HE'S so broken.

 

And that is what his W needs to decide - IF she chooses to stay with a broken man while he works on his selfish issues - or IF she chooses not to stand by while he does the hard work to CHANGE the core being of his broken self!

 

Meanwhile - these are reasons why he's NOT a healthy choice for you either!

 

Get to counseling to find out why you would even consider such a poor choice for yourself!

[ThatJustHappened]

Jen, do you really not see how much it would benefit you to talk to the wife? We ARE taking care of you. You're obsessed with this man..even you admit that he's done all of these terrible things to you and you still can't get over him. Telling his wife will be healing for you.

[2sunny]

What change are you willing to do today?

 

It's only up to YOU to change this!

[jennifernyc84]

Anyway, i decided to take the advice of an earlier post that said to call my parents.

 

I called my mom. I told her everything. I cried on her and she didn't look down at me at all. She was comforting, but told me i needed to stay away from him, and not to interfere with his marriage or his wife. She wants me to come home for a few days, but i don't know if i will yet.

[William]

Anyone know why they took down my last thread ?

Was it too long or something?

Thanks for the reminder. Too many interwoven violations to process in real time so we pulled it to process it in the queue instead. I'll clean up the troll violations in this thread, then move on to that one. It'll take about an hour. The policy regarding thread removals is covered in the announcement at the top of this forum.

 

Having processed the first 40 posts of this thread, I'm seeing the same thing so will lock this one and work the other one first, then this one. Should take about 90 minutes depending on the number of intertwined quotes, infractions and edits. As Owl said, moderation needs to do its job. Right. Back soon.

 

Update: Our other moderator is currently working the queued thread and I'm about halfway through this one, so we may finish ahead of schedule. In light of the work we're having to do, I'll re-open this thread as a Stage Two and remind posters to remain focused on the topic of the process of 'telling' the married man's spouse and the timing/issues/positives/negatives involved. Questioning the veracity of postings relevant to the thread starter's earlier thread will necessarily, in accordance with policy, require links to those statements and, in general, are discouraged. That thread should be back up shortly and moderation will consider merging them.

 

This thread is now re-opened and both threads on this general subject have been merged. Work the topic. Follow the guidelines. Carry on.

Edited November 5, 2012 by William
Re-opened thread

[Tara247]

Jen, take what you need and leave the rest. What have you decided to do about telling Josh's wife? Or are you still thinking it over?

Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tara247]

Anyway, i decided to take the advice of an earlier post that said to call my parents.

 

I called my mom. I told her everything. I cried on her and she didn't look down at me at all. She was comforting, but told me i needed to stay away from him, and not to interfere with his marriage or his wife. She wants me to come home for a few days, but i don't know if i will yet.

 

I guess you're going to do what you're going to do, but I say tell his wife.

[jennifernyc84]

I guess you're going to do what you're going to do, but I say tell his wife.

 

I don't know. At this point, i think i will go home and "make the world go away"for a bit.

 

I'm really down, and i could use to be around some familiar faces.

Parents, old friends, family. Sounds good right now.

 

I'll deal with Josh and Mrs. Josh some other time.

[Owl]

I don't know. At this point, i think i will go home and "make the world go away"for a bit.

 

I'm really down, and i could use to be around some familiar faces.

Parents, old friends, family. Sounds good right now.

 

I'll deal with Josh and Mrs. Josh some other time.

 

This sounds like a good short term solution.

 

Back up, and mentally regroup.

 

Then sit down, work out what your goal out of all of this will be (relationship with Josh, remove him from your life, etc...)...and then work out a plan to reach your goal.

 

All of that becomes easier when you remove the stress of the situation first.

[ComingInHot]

Jen;

I am SO glad you called & told your Mom.

As we get older it is important even vital to have people in our lives that love us No Matter What!!

Mom's are or should be the safe place to reveal Everything. Remember, she wasn't born a mother. She has had More experience w/this thing called life. She may even be ready to share w/you her own & very personal experiences that will offer insight to your own situation. They may not mirror yours but will help you!

She is the one who has Your best interest at heart.

Take time w/your parents as a retreat to gain perspective to move forward.

All my best dear one!!!

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, i decided to take the advice of an earlier post that said to call my parents.

 

I called my mom. I told her everything. I cried on her and she didn't look down at me at all. She was comforting, but told me i needed to stay away from him, and not to interfere with his marriage or his wife. She wants me to come home for a few days, but i don't know if i will yet.

 

So glad that you called your mom. Do get home to see your folks, you need this break and spending time with loved ones will make you feel better. There's no reason not to go!

 

Whatever you decide to do with telling or not telling is your decision, do what you feel best for you.

[jennifernyc84]

Yeah, I'm gonna go. I've already asked for tomorrow and Wednesday off of work, i need to get away from my life, even just for two days.

 

Josh finally left a message. He said he needed to talk to me, that he knew i didn't mean what i said to him, that he's so sorry.he begged me to call him back. That was at like 5pm. i still haven't called him back. I don't really have anything to say to him anymore.

[seren]

Jen, I've read all your posts and replies and running though it all is that you have had feelings, other than friendship for this man for 17 years or so. I would imagine that if I were you, I would have had all these dreams and if only we get together he will realise 'we' are the right thing, thoughts and it must have seemed like everything was working out as it should have been. had he wanted it to be, and if he does want it to be that way, he would have taken steps to leave his short marriage. It also sounds like your families are friends and that you, he and now she are part of the same social circles. That must be very hard for you and I wonder how you will manage to avoid seeing each other.

 

17 years is a very long time to know someone and then not have them in your life, it is also a very long time to be carrying a torch for someone. TBH, I don't think he has treated you respectfully and also think he has just thought about himself. He must have known how you felt about him, it is cruel that he has taken advantage of this. Yes, I know you were willing, but can understand that all that time of wanting and being told you were the one after all, must have seemed just wonderful.

 

I am truly sorry that you are hurt, I don't think revenge or your feelings will be sated by telling his wife and wonder how the dynamics of the intertwined relationships will pan out if you do. Of course his wife should know, but right now, taking care of you and your heart is all that should be your focus. I think it will be very hard for you to continue to be friends with them or for you to watch while their lives carry on.

Love really shouldn't hurt so much. My friends, my long term friends, put me first, he isn't. Go to your Mum's talk and talk to her and think about next steps, I hope you stay away from him, he doesn't sound like he has your interests first.

[jennifernyc84]

Its taking a lot out of me to not call him right now. I hate that we're not on speaking terms, i hate that the last words i said to him were that i hate him.

 

and yes, its hard to know someone for more than half your life, than suddenly just shut them out. Even me going home tomorrow, to OUR home town, will be hard to bare.

 

I'm not gonna call him..i won't..

 

I just don't want him to think i hate him. I hate that i said that to him.

[Mount]

Come on, Jennifer, don't be so romantic anymore. Josh is currently thinking how to continue keep his wife in dark, how to shut your mouth while continuing getting sex from you. That is it, very practical.

 

The real world is just that, very simple.

 

Its taking a lot out of me to not call him right now. I hate that we're not on speaking terms, i hate that the last words i said to him were that i hate him.

 

and yes, its hard to know someone for more than half your life, than suddenly just shut them out. Even me going home tomorrow, to OUR home town, will be hard to bare.

 

I'm not gonna call him..i won't..

 

I just don't want him to think i hate him. I hate that i said that to him.

[veryhappy]

Let me clarify the myth of the important thinks left unspoken. Not true. You'll feel you need to go back to say something, to set something straight. It won't change the bottom line: he's married. To another woman. It will also make you feel that you are close to losing your mind. Let the unspoken words stay unspoken. Nothing will make a difference.

 

ExMM believes that I hate him. I don't. I love him. I'm not consumed with thoughts of setting that straight. He'll get realistic with time, or he won't care or...it simply doesn't matter. It is broken. Who cares in how many pieces?