He said he loves me..but he's married

[whichwayisup]

Hey guys,

 

still here. I'm doing ok, i guess. Still a little down.

 

He only called twice today. I didn't answer. It doesn't feel right not calling him back. it doesn't feel right to leave it like this.

 

My mom told me something today, about Josh.

His mom told my mom that she's been worried about him lately.

He's been having problems with work, his marriage..and one more thing that got my attention..fertility issues...he never told me any of that. So they have been trying to have a baby. I don't know what to think about that.

 

He really did take advantage of me. He used me..he lied, about everything.

 

What does he want from me? Why does he keep calling.

 

Thishas GOT to be set straight! He needs to be confronted about this. I have to tell him how i feel.

 

I'm gonna stay calm though. I'm not going to freak out.

 

i'm telling you, do not call him.

 

Your silence will say it all.

 

Whatever you have to say to him, say on here, vent away - Or write a letter but never send it, use that for theraputic reasons only.

 

He doesn't care how you feel. if he did, he never would have treated you like he has in the past bunch of weeks. stay away from him and out of his life.

 

OF course he lied to you, do you think that if he told you they had been trying to have a baby, you'd still want an affair with him knowing full well what their intention was - To start a family?

 

They aren't going to divorce at the first bump in the road.. give up your hopes and dreams for him and focus on healing so you can find love with someone else.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, but i should let him know that i know. I mean, that was really, really bad. Not just to me, but imagine his wifes perspective. she's trying to get pregnant, and his concern is effing me! I'm so mad...so, sooooo mad.

 

No, his concern is HIMSELF, not you.

 

My guess is, he wants to calm you down so you won't tell his wife and blow up his marriage and his chances with her and them having a baby.

 

HE KNOWS he f.uked up Jen. He's in damage control now.

 

He isn't 'concerned' the way you think he is, you can take that to the bank!

[Lois]

Yeah, but i should let him know that i know. I mean, that was really, really bad. Not just to me, but imagine his wifes perspective. she's trying to get pregnant, and his concern is effing me! I'm so mad...so, sooooo mad.

 

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you did not consider his wife's perspective before so why does it matter now?

 

If you're mad, beat the heck out of a pillow but please don't call. Let it go.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Lois

[jennifernyc84]

I'm way beyond feeling bad for myself. I feel so terribly guilty for what I've done to his wife. She's having such a hard time, with her mom getting such, their home getting wrecked, she can't get pregnant. And all I've been thinking of is myself...and how much i wanna be with Josh...where us my brain

[whichwayisup]

his concern is effing me!

 

I have to say again, it isn't his concern in the way you think it is. Your emotions and hopes want to think that- he isn't contacting you for that reason. Also, a few calls/texts doesn't mean he has no concern or focus for his wife.

 

PLEASE don't cave and answer your phone or call him back.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, I just really want you to take a giant step back ,use this time with your family to detach and open your eyes, see things from a more objective view, if possible.

 

Your truth isn't based on 'reality' so keep that in mind. Your truth is based on his lies, your desires/hopes/fantasies and feelings. It isn't fact, k.

[whichwayisup]

I'm way beyond feeling bad for myself. I feel so terribly guilty for what I've done to his wife. She's having such a hard time, with her mom getting such, their home getting wrecked, she can't get pregnant. And all I've been thinking of is myself...and how much i wanna be with Josh...where us my brain

 

Honesty, nice to see your focus shift and hopefully your concern and now seeing your role in this affair (how wrong it was) will make your cravings for him stop and for you to detach from him.

 

He isn't yours, he never was and I think you're really starting to understand that. He has a life with someone else, so do let that to continue to sink in.

 

Sorry if I come off harshly, I just want you to do your best to let go and stay strong so you won't contact him.

[jennifernyc84]

So what does he want from me? Why won't he just leave me alone?

He had no intention of leaving her, why would he do that to me and her? I can't believe it was only for sex. Wasn't he getting that at home?

 

I can't believe i let myself to this...I'm really disappointed in myself.

[2sunny]

He wants variety. Yes sex. At your expense - he's only thinking of his selfish ways.

 

He's most likely not worried about who he's hurting - he just needs to reel you back in... Again - doesn't matter that it hurts you and hurts his wife - he thinks only of himself.

Edited November 7, 2012 by 2sunny

[whichwayisup]

So what does he want from me? Why won't he just leave me alone?

He had no intention of leaving her, why would he do that to me and her? I can't believe it was only for sex. Wasn't he getting that at home?

 

I can't believe i let myself to this...I'm really disappointed in myself.

 

It was just for sex.

 

Ever hear that expression/joke? Why do dogs like their balls? Because they can..

 

Some men can easily separate sex and love. A guy can easily have sex with a woman and have it mean absolutely nothing.

 

Change your cell number or call your cell company and ask them to block the number.

[2sunny]

Your pain - that's why I always tell people not to get started until the divorce is FINAL!

 

There's great reason for proper order!

 

When things are out of order - it always makes emotions all twisted up.

 

Best way to regroup and get on solid ground again emotionally is to create a lot of distance from him to gain clarity and strength to do what's best for you.

[Tara247]

Yeah, but i should let him know that i know. I mean, that was really, really bad. Not just to me, but imagine his wifes perspective. she's trying to get pregnant, and his concern is effing me! I'm so mad...so, sooooo mad.

 

Go ahead and confront him, Jen. If not, you will always be wondering what he had to say to you. Be prepared that him admitting to the lies is going to really hurt, but at the same time, you will finally see the truth of what kind of person he is.

 

After that, I wouldn't talk to him again.

[jennifernyc84]

But why me ? I thought we were friends. That's what is hurting me the most. Dud it mean nothing to him, at all?

[jennifernyc84]

Go ahead and confront him, Jen. If not, you will always be wondering what he had to say to you. Be prepared that him admitting to the lies is going to really hurt, but at the same time, you will finally see the truth of what kind of person he is.

 

After that, I wouldn't talk to him again.

 

I think that's what i need to do.

 

What changed him? This is so not like him. I know him. I don't care what anyone else says, i know that i know him. And this is not like him

[2sunny]

Then make that call in front of your Mom... And be sure to speak your truth when you talk to him... Tell him how you feel after he used you.

 

And understand you will hear more lies. Be prepared...

 

Have mom there to support you.

[Tara247]

I think that's what i need to do.

 

What changed him? This is so not like him. I know him. I don't care what anyone else says, i know that i know him. And this is not like him

 

Jennifer, this is NOT why I advised you to contact him. I advised you to confront him so you can get all the answers which will be excuses from him. I think you need it to be drilled into you by his words and for you to be left with no doubt that you're not going to get what you want from him.

 

You're back to hoping and making justifications for his behavior. There is none, Jen. Confront him and find that out for yourself.

 

P.S. Have you forgotten his 2:00 am disrespectful phone call for sex? Have you forgotten how he ignored you and did not answer your calls on the day he was supposed to have told his wife about you?

Edited November 7, 2012 by Tara247

[2sunny]

I think that's what i need to do.

 

What changed him? This is so not like him. I know him. I don't care what anyone else says, i know that i know him. And this is not like him

 

Ya, this is what I said about my husband of 20 years who cheated.

 

I learned - he wasn't the man I thought he could be. The evidence showed he was just the guy who would cheat - same as Josh.

 

Not good enough for what I expect in my man.

 

Shouldn't be good enough for you either.

 

Never settle!

[Survivor12]

I think that's what i need to do.

 

What changed him? This is so not like him. I know him. I don't care what anyone else says, i know that i know him. And this is not like him

 

But when out of the blue he told you that he wanted to marry you, blah blah blah, you refused to question why he changed so suddenly. Stop trying to hang on to believing that you "know him" so well. Think about it. Not only didn't he tell you about what he and his wife were going through, he LIED to you about it. You had to learn the truth from your Mother! Who knows what else he's kept hidden about himself over the years? Just because you don't know something about him doesn't mean that it's not true...and just because he tells you something doesn't mean that it is.

[ComingInHot]

Jen;

Good Morning!

I want you to go to page Sixty nine and read my comment (again).* It will answer these questions about Why he's contacting you...

If he REALLY wanted to tell you something of value and truth , he'd leave a message and then show up on your doorstep to follow it up with Action!!

 

Again, I believe he is trying to control the situation by controlling you & that is Wrong.

 

If you "set it straight" w/anyone it should be w/his wife AND w/your Mom present for support, guidence and most importantly as a WITNESS for you doing right and moving forward.

 

Sounds like your family is Good people! They might be disappointed but they Love you and want to help & support you getting through this.

 

O.k., I REALLY HAVE TO WORK NOW!!*

[alexandria35]

Go ahead and confront him, Jen. If not, you will always be wondering what he had to say to you. Be prepared that him admitting to the lies is going to really hurt, but at the same time, you will finally see the truth of what kind of person he is.

 

After that, I wouldn't talk to him again.

 

Confronting him is a bad idea. Since when do cheaters admit to lies? Talking to him will only give him a chance to tell her more lies and she won't see the truth. The only reason she's starting to see what kind of person he is now is because she is NOT talking to him.

[stillafool]

Anyway, i decided to take the advice of an earlier post that said to call my parents.

 

I called my mom. I told her everything. I cried on her and she didn't look down at me at all. She was comforting, but told me i needed to stay away from him, and not to interfere with his marriage or his wife. She wants me to come home for a few days, but i don't know if i will yet.

 

Your mother is right in telling you to stay away from Josh and his wife. You more than likely promised your Mom you would stay away from them. This means not calling him or accepting his phone calls. You need to find a way to block him from your life and not worry about how he feels about you saying you hate him. He knows you don't hate him. He is only trying to reach you to make sure you calm down and not tell his wife. If he loved you he would have told his wife by now and sent you a text saying "It's done."

 

Hey guys, hope all of your guys day is going well so far.

 

I just got into my parents, about an hour ago. And i have to say, i do feel a lot better already. The most important thing is not being alone. I do have friends in NYC, but its my fault for neglecting them. Coming home was definitely the right thing to do for me.

 

My sister will be here in afew hours, my brother and sister in law only live 15 minutes away, so they'll be here later too. It feels nice..

 

Why have you been neglecting your friends in NYC? Josh just came back in your life about a month ago, right? If so, what were you doing for social activities when he wasn't around?

 

 

He only called twice today. I didn't answer. It doesn't feel right not calling him back. it doesn't feel right to leave it like this.

 

My mom told me something today, about Josh.

His mom told my mom that she's been worried about him lately.

He's been having problems with work, his marriage..and one more thing that got my attention..fertility issues...he never told me any of that. So they have been trying to have a baby. I don't know what to think about that.

 

What else did your Mom tell you about your involvement with Josh? Did she ask you why you did such a thing? Did she ask you about your mental state?

 

 

 

He really did take advantage of me. He used me..he lied, about everything.

 

Now you are back to playing the "victim" Jen. He told you from the start to "forget it then" when you told him you didn't want to sleep with a MM. We warned you over and over what would happen but you wanted him so badly you refused to wait it out and instead fell into bed with him.

 

What does he want from me? Why does he keep calling.

 

He wants to make sure you are calm and not going to tell his wife and break up his marriage. The fact that his Mom said he is having marriage problems is the reason he started an affair with you. That's why he is calling. Once he knows you will not tell his wife he will try to sleep with you again. He will sleep with you as an escape from all the things he is going through right now. It doesn't mean he wants to leave his wife. It isn't necessarily abnormal that he and his wife are having issues. They are a young married couple with alot ahead of them and marriage isn't rosey all the time. Couples argue, cry, make love, apologize, have fun, etc. but most of all love each other. They are very stressed out right now and he handles his stress by having sex with you. I would imagine him not being able to impregnate his wife is messing with his ego so you putting his penis on a pedestal helps his confidence. Heck Jen, I wouldn't be surprised if their sex life has gotten better since his involvement with you. That happens in affairs sometimes.

 

 

This has GOT to be set straight! He needs to be confronted about this. I have to tell him how i feel.

 

NO, you have to do what you promised your Mom and that's stay away from him and leave them alone. Why are you back to spending time on this board discussing Josh when you should be enjoying your family and clearing your mind. You could have done this at your apartment.

[stillafool]

One other thing Jen, did you ever date Josh? Maybe that was said somewhere and I missed it.

[jennifernyc84]

Good morning all,

 

I slept in this morning for the first time in what feels like forever!

 

Anyway, there's supposed to be some kind of storm here today. Snow, i think. So i might wind up staying another day after all.

 

So back to Josh. i don't want to contact him for answers. I want to confront him for the lies! The less he told me, to get me to sleep with him. The thing is, if he wanted to screw me, that's one thing. Why'd he have to say all of the "i love you, Mary me" me crap! You don't do that to someone. Especially someone you've known, and grew up with for over 17 years. That's why I'm saying this isn't Josh...i don't feel bad or sad, just so dumb. I'm more angry at myself, really. His wife didn't deserve this either...i thought he loved me. I'm not trying to justify it. But i believed he'd leave her.

[jennifernyc84]

One other thing Jen, did you ever date Josh? Maybe that was said somewhere and I missed it.

 

Never dated..but we were intimate. not sex, but we'd kiss..it got pretty intense sometimes, we'd fool around, but not sex. But that was when we were younger.

[jennifernyc84]

My mom was understanding when i told her about me and Josh. She's always known about my feelings for him, so she didn't hold it against me. I mean, she said it was wrong of me, that he isn't mine anymore, the part of him that belongs to me us nothing but a friend, and if i can't accept that, than leave him alone totally. She told me she would hate to see our friendship break up, but maybe its time to move on.

[stillafool]

 

So back to Josh. i don't want to contact him for answers. I want to confront him for the lies! The less he told me, to get me to sleep with him. The thing is, if he wanted to screw me, that's one thing. Why'd he have to say all of the "i love you, Mary me" me crap! You don't do that to someone. Especially someone you've known, and grew up with for over 17 years. That's why I'm saying this isn't Josh...i don't feel bad or sad, just so dumb. I'm more angry at myself, really. His wife didn't deserve this either...i thought he loved me. I'm not trying to justify it. But i believed he'd leave her.

 

 

He told you the "I love yous" because that was the easiest way to get you in bed. He knew the truth wasn't getting him in your pants. Remember he did tell you the truth at first. It goes back to what my Dad told me when I was 14 - Boys will say anything to get in your pants, don't believe them.