stillafool Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Never dated..but we were intimate. not sex, but we'd kiss..it got pretty intense sometimes, we'd fool around, but not sex. But that was when we were younger. Jen I really think you need to talk to someone professional about this. 17 years is too long to carry a torch for someone you've never even dated. You are wasting your precious youth on a fantasy. Please get professional help to get you over him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 My mom was understanding when i told her about me and Josh. She's always known about my feelings for him, so she didn't hold it against me. I mean, she said it was wrong of me, that he isn't mine anymore, the part of him that belongs to me us nothing but a friend, and if i can't accept that, than leave him alone totally. She told me she would hate to see our friendship break up, but maybe its time to move on. The friendship is already broken up. He had sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 I mean, she said it was wrong of me, that he isn't mine anymore, the part of him that belongs to me us nothing but a friend, and if i can't accept that, than leave him alone totally. ??? But … you never dated him, even one time. How was he ever "yours"? Since your mom and his mom are such good friends, I wonder what is going to happen when they discuss your fling together? That will be interesting. Do you think his mom will tell his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 My mom was understanding when i told her about me and Josh. She's always known about my feelings for him, so she didn't hold it against me. I mean, she said it was wrong of me, that he isn't mine anymore, the part of him that belongs to me us nothing but a friend, and if i can't accept that, than leave him alone totally. She told me she would hate to see our friendship break up, but maybe its time to move on. I don't want to be mean Jen but he was never yours. How can you claim him to be. I don't see how he was your best friend either since you have had romantic feelings for him all along. If he were your best friend he would have told you all about his fiance, what he loved about her, and made you part of his wedding. If you were his best friend you would be asking his advice about guys you are dating, would probably be good friends with his wife and would want her opinions as well. Have you been to their house for dinner? Have you guys ever gotten together and gone out with a date of yours? These are activities that best friends do. Again, you need to get professional help to get over this fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 I've had feelings for him from the time i started noticing boys. He never felt the same, and i knew that. He's never led me on. Never dated..but we were intimate. not sex, but we'd kiss..it got pretty intense sometimes, we'd fool around, but not sex. But that was when we were younger. You don't think that making out with your "friend" who you know is in love with you is "leading you on"? Link to post Share on other sites
SWEETIE33 Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 I have a simiar story and my life will never be the same. 4 years ago I worked with a man and one night a group of co-workers invited me out for drinks. I went and then mid way through the night everyone left except this man. We talked and there was something about him that captured my attention. We left the bar, went dancing and talked for hours. I didnt ask about his personal life because I thought it was just a fling. The following week he asked me to go out for drinks and from that day forward we were never apart. He made love to me after the second date and it changed my life. I had been married for 15 years and I never had this kind of passion. I soon found out he was married but his life was sad and lonely for many years. His wife treated him terribly. My friends and even co-workers laugh at him due to his appearance and i think he is gorgeous! Our realationship has had many ups and downs but we always come back together. I cant imagine being without him and our sex life is soooo good. If you truely love this man, let him know and dont let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 Jen I really think you need to talk to someone professional about this. 17 years is too long to carry a torch for someone you've never even dated. You are wasting your precious youth on a fantasy. Please get professional help to get you over him. No, i don't need professional help. I just need him out of my life. I'm ok. I needed this. I needed this to come out to expose him for what he is. Does it hurt? Like hell, but so what? I'll get over it. And someday, sooner or later, I'll get over him. I just wish i didn't care about him so much. Like, right now, my biggest concern is that he thinks i hate him lol. i should hate him..i should call him again, just to say how much i hate him. But in my heart, i still really don't.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 My mom was understanding when i told her about me and Josh. She's always known about my feelings for him, so she didn't hold it against me. I mean, she said it was wrong of me, that he isn't mine anymore, the part of him that belongs to me us nothing but a friend, and if i can't accept that, than leave him alone totally. She told me she would hate to see our friendship break up, but maybe its time to move on. Jen, he was never 'yours' because he never dated you, you were never his girlfriend. He told you years ago that he cared for you, but not in a romantic way. This is part of the problem here, you've claimed him as yours all along. Your mom is right, it's time to move on. The friendship ended the minute you two let something happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa_Lisa Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Hi Jen, I've been reading this whole thread and I thought I'd chime in with my own experience. I also loved a guy since we were young and he loved me too, but we could never get together because he was poor and didn't get to finish school and my mother thought I could do so much better. I was too much of a coward to stand up for myself and the boy I loved so nothing ever really happened in terms of having a real, true relationship (physically though it did). But I loved him and that was all that mattered to me. We always kept in touch and we'd always see each other from time to time. But no matter what I did in my life I could never forget him. It didn't matter how many guys I dated or whatever, this guy was stuck in my heart and I never allowed myself to feel real love for anyone else especially because we never truly got to date and see what it was like so my fantasies were at the forefront of everything. Then he got married and had a baby and he swore to me that it was me that he loved. He only married her cause he got her pregnant. I believed him and then he had a second baby and I still believed him. His wife even wanted to be friends with me. She knew about us, but she never brought it up. I think she just wanted to keep her enemies close. Anyways I've loved him for 17 years, just like you (since I was 15). I only WOKE up earlier this year. He had always said it was me, me, me, but my mother trolling through Facebook one day discovered his wife's page and she looked through it. On it was declarations of love, romantic music videos, pictures of them. One post said he has loved her from the moment he saw her and his love for her is just as strong as the first day (among many more sappy ones). I felt so stupid. I mean he always said he loved me, that I was the love of his life...and here it was for everybody to see - he loves his wife. It seems like such a minimal thing to find out through FB, but something CLICKED inside me. I felt like I lived a lie. Like Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind said, "I've loved something that doesn't really exist." And that was it. No more. I even told him to his face, "I don't love you anymore." Not in anger or hurt, just truth. I don't love him anymore. And I swear to you a burden lifted from my shoulders. I was free to love again. My heart was free and open and it's a great feeling to finally let go. So, this too shall pass. Just like Josh's mom and your Mom, my mom and his mom are also friends, but that doesn't concern me anymore. I don't ask about him. My mom tells me things occasionally, but I brush them off. I'm not interested. I hope he's happy with his wife and kids. But when I think of him, I feel nothing. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 (edited) So what does he want from me? Why won't he just leave me alone? He had no intention of leaving her, why would he do that to me and her? I can't believe it was only for sex. Wasn't he getting that at home? I can't believe i let myself to this...I'm really disappointed in myself. Forgive me if someone has suggested this already..but if he and his wife are having fertility problems, it's a definite possibility that he's feeling like less of a man because of that, and that's why he effed you. To prove his manhood. Which means he totally used and abused his friendship with you and took advantage of your feelings for him. Edited November 7, 2012 by ThatJustHappened 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 7, 2012 Author Share Posted November 7, 2012 I was supposed to be going home tonight, but i can't believe how bad the weather is. I may have to stay another night. So anyway, Josh called me at about 3pm. I didn't plan on answering it, but i did. The first thing he did was apologize. He was crying which took me by surprise. He said he's ashamed of how he's been acting, he said despite everything that's happened in the past few week, that he does love me. And no matter what happens, he just wanted me to know, he didn't plan on hurting me. So i asked if he loved me so much, why then, did he choose to spare her feelings over mine. He told me that it was just too much for her to bare all at once. He couldn't see kicking her while she was down. Then i told him what my mom told me, about the fertility thing. He admitted that she does have some kind of problem, its not him, they were trying for a while, but stopped going to doctors about six months ago. I told him that i didn't believe him. That he'd hurt me way to hard for me to forgive him. I said that he used me for his pleasure, and took advantage of my love for him. He swore that wasn't the case..then i told him that i didn't want to speak to him anymore. I told him to forget my number, forget that i every existed, and I'd do the same. I told him i don't hate him. I told him i still loved him...but that i can't wait for him anymore. He said he'd tell her, i said don't bother...I'm done. I hung up before he could say anything else. I'm proud of myself. I told him what i felt, i didn't cry, i didn't yell, i didn't curse at him.. It had to be done...scoff if you will, it had to be done 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 I don't understand why you would tell him that you still love him. Why would you give him the power of knowing that? The only reason I can think of is; you are not done and you still hope he will leave his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett5 Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 Well done Jen keep hold of that feeling of control you have over your life and breathe a sigh of relief. It's a good feeling. I think you should stay at least another night too, your family and familiar surroundings have obviously helped you to feel more secure and build your strength up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2012 Share Posted November 7, 2012 You now make a promise to yourself and make yourself accountable. That it IS really over and that you will NOT contact him and you will do complete NC from now on. It's good you to got to say what you wanted to say. Then i told him what my mom told me, about the fertility thing. He admitted that she does have some kind of problem, its not him, they were trying for a while, but stopped going to doctors about six months ago. Did you two use a condom? I do recall you saying that he told you he wanted you to have his children. The guy is a pig-To do this to his wife, have sex with another woman and tell her (you) that he wants to marry you, have your children ALL the meanwhile he's LYING and DECEIVING his wife, betraying her in the worst way because she's having infertility problems..That is awful of him to do this to her. And, now that you know the situation, I really hope you do as you say and stick to it. As I said, make yourself accountable for your decision to stay out of his life and away from him forever. He is a shi.t to do this to you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Good for you taking your power back! Good to have closure - it's done! Not good that he lied more by saying he'd tell his wife - he knows IF he planned to DO that - it would have happened by now. He's still the same liar - he's just showing MORE evidence of that. Block him now... Better for YOU this way! Now you can move forward! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 We didn't use condoms, but I'm on the pill. Trust me, i would nit let myself get pregnant. I'm not that dumb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 We didn't use condoms, but I'm on the pill. Trust me, i would nit let myself get pregnant. I'm not that dumb. Him not using a condom shows no respect for your sexual health. You must make STD appointment soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Very predictably, he was ready to cry his eyes out to string you along by keeping you hoping that one day he will leave. Someone needs to hand these men some new scripts, they are boringly the same. You'll find that you'll grieve more the fantasy than the real Josh. Present Josh is not 10, 5 years ago Josh. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 He said he'd tell her, i said don't bother...I'm done. I hung up before he could say anything else. Did you believe this? Did you get the sense that he was lying about everything in the conversation? The litmus test is if he tells her and comes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 Did you believe this? Did you get the sense that he was lying about everything in the conversation? The litmus test is if he tells her and comes to you. It doesn't even matter if i believed him or not. The point is, i can't give him the chance to hurt me all over again. If he tells me that he's left her and he's single one day, that's the only thing I'll take.. As of now, I'm gonna try to go completely NC at all.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tara247 Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 It doesn't even matter if i believed him or not. The point is, i can't give him the chance to hurt me all over again. If he tells me that he's left her and he's single one day, that's the only thing I'll take.. As of now, I'm gonna try to go completely NC at all.. Exactly, there's nothing more to say unless he leaves. If I were you, I'd wary though if I did get him because he has already shown you that he can cheat on his wife... I'm just saying, Jen. Someone already pointed out to you on here that he's not the Josh that you thought he knew. Certain things about his character have now been revealed to you. Knowing him as long as you have, did you ever think he would cheat on the woman he married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 No, i never did..i also never thought he'd lie to me. Or use me for that matter.. He could've had me, you know? If he wanted me...he didn't have to lie.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Him not using a condom shows no respect for your sexual health. You must make STD appointment soon. And what about his poor wife? She may be hosting something awful and have no idea that she needs to be tested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 No, i never did..i also never thought he'd lie to me. Or use me for that matter.. He could've had me, you know? If he wanted me...he didn't have to lie.. But that is who he really is NOW. And should be the whole reason why you shouldn't ever want him in the future. He's a man who cheats on the woman he claims to love - THAT is NOT a decent man! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 No, i never did..i also never thought he'd lie to me. Or use me for that matter.. He could've had me, you know? If he wanted me...he didn't have to lie.. He didn't..he wanted sex. You really really have to stop thinking he's still a decent guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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