Owl Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 He's "grooming you for an affair". Look it up. The question is...what are you going to do if he tries to take this to an affair? Are you willing/planning on actually "being" the other woman? Will you have a boundary in place to prevent that from happening? What IS your limit here? You need to figure out what that is...and you need to figure out how you're going to SET that limit in his mind too. Unless of course, you fully WANT to have an affair with him...in which case...no change is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I know what my reality is. Its just hard to ignore the things he's saying. Weather they're selfish or not.all the years of me feeling like I'm not good enough for him, then suddenly he tells me i am, and that he wants the exact same things i want. To good to be true, i guess. But why can't it be true? It very well can be. No one knows for sure. Its all speculation.. How did he even remotely say that? You asked "are you happy with your wife" he replied "sort of" translated: yeah, pretty happy but I could use some FUN and EXCITEMENT, more translation, NOT looking for a new wife. You asked "do you love her" he deflected (typical CA behavior) and said "I love you too" translation: he hopes you are so infatuated with him that all you heard is "I love you" it appears that's all you heard, and missed the part where he DID say he loves her as well "too" tells you that. more translation, he's NOT looking for a new wife. You told him he needs to do this right, divorce and you'll wait FOREVER, he said "see you around then" translated: you probably scared the bejeesus out of him and he realizes he can't just have you for a roll in the hay you want it all. more translation, he's NOT looking for a new wife. He then apologizes (realizing that since you're so smitten with him perhaps if he plays this different and starts "grooming" you then you'll helplessly fall into an affair with him. (thus the new thing of sending you pics to make you feel all warm and fuzzy) There's nothing helpless about this. It is a CHOICE your choice. He has no intentions of leaving. Speculation you say? Nope, HE said it HIS words, you just don't want to hear them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 No limit is needed because I've already made my choice. I told him I'm not interested in an affair, i want him! I don't just want him for sex either. i mean, don't get me wrong, i do wanna be with him in that way...intimately...but not JUST that. That's not how I've dreamed of being with him, as a sex toy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Had anyone ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, he really does love me? Am i that unlovable? You don't know the connection we have. Its amazing Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Josh just sent me a pic of us from like 2001, from the night before he left for college. With a "lol" attatched. I didn't reply. Why would he send that? I remember taking that pic like it was yesterday...and i kinda did "lol" Would a good or best friend do this? Play a game like this? He knows how to push your buttons and say the right thing to you so you'll stick around. Did you read my earlier reply to you? you never answered back. If you love him and want him, then go tell his wife how you feel about her husband, that you've known him longer and loved him first and he should be yours, not hers. That you are going to stay in his life and fight for him until he divorces her and comes to you, so you can be his wife.. How do you feel about that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Had anyone ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, he really does love me? Am i that unlovable? You don't know the connection we have. Its amazing Then why did he marry someone else? Why did he tell you years ago that he wasn't in love with you, didn't feel the same way as you? How come you two never slept together during 17 years of friendship? How come only after he's married has he told you how he's felt? Give that some thought.. And, didn't he tell you he has no plans of leaving his wife? Divorcing her? Didn't he tell you that he does love his wife and is happy in his marriage? He's setting you up to be second fiddle and it seems like you're OK with this. Also, how are you going to feel (another question unanswered) when he tells you one day that his wife is pregnant with their child? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 No limit is needed because I've already made my choice. I told him I'm not interested in an affair, i want him! I don't just want him for sex either. i mean, don't get me wrong, i do wanna be with him in that way...intimately...but not JUST that. That's not how I've dreamed of being with him, as a sex toy. Then DO tell him that you intend on speaking to his wife so she knows she's got a fight on her hands. That you plan on marrying him as soon as they divorce. That you're waiting in the wings for him.. Seriously..DO that or walk away forever. Doing what you're doing now isn't working and eventually you'll end up as his OW, a fling on the side that way he can have his cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Had anyone ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, he really does love me? Am i that unlovable? You don't know the connection we have. Its amazing You are lovable..But he is married. Again, why did he not marry you? Why didn't he date you in the past? This makes no sense and I wonder how much you're reading into things. Is it possible that you are seeing something that's not there and it's one sided? Honestly, if that connection was a two way street then why did he marry someone else? Please think this through, k. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Would a good or best friend do this? Play a game like this? He knows how to push your buttons and say the right thing to you so you'll stick around. Did you read my earlier reply to you? you never answered back. If you love him and want him, then go tell his wife how you feel about her husband, that you've known him longer and loved him first and he should be yours, not hers. That you are going to stay in his life and fight for him until he divorces her and comes to you, so you can be his wife.. How do you feel about that? I'd never tell his wife, that's his job. And the pregnancy thing is expected to happen one day. I told you, I'm a realistic person. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'd never tell his wife, that's his job. And the pregnancy thing is expected to happen one day. I told you, I'm a realistic person. But there's no affair, what's to tell? If you answer like this it means you are entertaining the idea of an affair. Why do you want to engage in fantasy thinking (one day he'll be mine type stuff) How do you feel that it's a healthy option rather than facing the truth. (he does love his wife he told you that) How can you just dismiss that? Others have asked you really valuable questions what are you going to do when he pushes those buttons harder, how do you plan to resist? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'd never tell his wife, that's his job. And the pregnancy thing is expected to happen one day. I told you, I'm a realistic person. You're not because you have this fantasy that you two will be together because he told you he loves you and you feel a connection to him. You're all over the map here, emotionally. I get that, but what are you going to do now? He isn't going to tell his wife, that's the thing. He will continue to play this little cat and mouse game with you until YOU cave and give into his attempts to woo you.. And still not leave or divorce his wife. The guys want it both ways. You see this, right? One minute you're going to walk away and end it, never look back and deal with the pain of losing him, then you say you can't or won't, it'll be too hard, then you say you two will be together but not as the OW in his life. HOw is that possible if he has no plans on leaving and you refuse to be the OW? The only option is to walk away and go on with your life, grieve him and the loss, so you can heal and find love with someone else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Had anyone ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, he really does love me? Am i that unlovable? You don't know the connection we have. Its amazing Do you know how many women have said that exact thing? It's not special or unique in THESE circumstances. If you had so an amazing connection on his end, he never would have married someone else. WHILE YOU WERE STILL IN HIS LIFE. He knew you before he got married, neither you or he can use the excuse "damn, if I only met her 1st" He did, this should be a slap in the face that NOW he wants to give you crumbs, instead you are intent on showing him that you are willing to take them, he KNOWS this it's why he's manipulating the situation. In these circumstances it's setting the stage for an affair. This isn't a Hollywood scripted romance it's real life. It may be scripted on his part, but the odds are very great you are going to be heartbroken if you choose to believe that "somewhere down the line" you'll be together he already told you he LOVES his wife, no where did he deny that. That's why we're saying you aren't hearing him, you are trying to rationalize and do fantasy thinking. It's not healthy, it only hurts you. Not him, not us responding, but YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Why don't you conduct a little test - tell him that you're going to contact his wife and tell her. See how fast he stops all contact with you - forever. Then you'll see how much he "loves" you. I agree. Since you really don't want to tell her, why not just let him know you are going to (even if you aren't) since he says he loves you and wants you, and that you feel you two share such a great connection. See how he reacts , just for the sake of it. If you can't or won't do this, why not? Are you afraid he'll run away? If he does, then it's more proof he doesn't feel the same way and doesn't feel as deeply as you do. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Freestyle posted a link to the site baggage reclaim. Please google it and please read it. It will help you immensely understand the dynamics of bad relationships and hanging on to someone who is all wrong for you. You don't have to choose that for yourself, you can be free of him if you want. Love is a choice. I do not love or pine for my xmm. I couldn't care less if he lived or died. The point.......is love is within our control. Letting go, is painful, giving up sucks but it won't kill you. I can attest to that so can many other women here. You can be so much stronger and wiser if you choose. I'm going to nudge you about that once more---there's incredible insight. And there are numerous articles, there, it's a gold mine. I wish I would've had that kind of resource available to me, when I wasted almost a decade being hung-up on an unavailable man who played head games with me. I dated other guys, too--but I stubbornly clung to that illusion of him being "the one"...... So, I never invested properly in the other relationships, my attention was divided..........I was still hanging on to a foolish "hope". What a waste it turned out to be. Had he genuinely cared, we would have been together---all that b.s. of "you're the only person I can really open up to" was nothing more than b.s. to keep me hooked in. Had he been a TRUE friend, he would have never put me through all of that jerking around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'd never go to his wife, even if we were having an affair. That's something he should do and I'd never force him to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'd never go to his wife, even if we were having an affair. That's something he should do and I'd never force him to do anything. So that must pretty much sum it up for you? Once again indulging in the fantasy thinking. Seems from YOUR posts (not my perception) that if he does say the right things that you'll be toast, you've already admitted you can't resist him so.... So are you saying those of us telling you are going to be making a big mistake are wasting our time? What do you want out of this site? What help are you looking for? Because right now it just seems you're tuning out reason and becoming defensive. Common here, but it won't help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 I just want to be with him so badly, its all I've ever wanted, for as long as i can remember. It never goes away. Day and night, he's in my dreams even. I had to take a day from work yesterday because i was such a mess. I've cried so much in the past three days, i don't think I've ever been so emotional in my life. I don't know what "the right thing" is anymore. I'm so sick...i honestly feel sick Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I just want to be with him so badly, its all I've ever wanted, for as long as i can remember. It never goes away. Day and night, he's in my dreams even. I had to take a day from work yesterday because i was such a mess. I've cried so much in the past three days, i don't think I've ever been so emotional in my life. I don't know what "the right thing" is anymore. I'm so sick...i honestly feel sick YES you do! Don't try to buy into that thought that you don't know. YOU control your thoughts remember that. You can entertain thoughts or YOU can stop them. You can give them credence or let them be a fleeting moment. You are choosing this. Hard to believe, but you are. This isn't some uncontrollable thing, or you can't help it or it's too late. All of those are excuses. You make the choices right or wrong for your life. This type of thing doesn't just happen. It's a series of steps and choices. Own that. You DO know or you wouldn't be here "torn". Right doesn't tear you up or twist you in knots. Going against your values and your character do that. You DO know it's not right to be in love with a MM and entertain an affair. If you didn't think anything of it you wouldn't be here. You DO know, you just wish you didn't and that things were different. But they're not, they are as they are, so what will YOU do about it to take care of you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 One more article, and an excerpt. He’s with someone else – Why her and not me? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue here's an excerpt from it: There is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do but one thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a woman that accepts poor behaviour from a man because she thinks it shows how much she loves him and how willing she is to make the relationship work, you only get penalised for it because the types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognise that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behaviour. On some level they realise that if you want them, something can’t be right. Often with the next woman, she won’t put up with the same crap so he tries much harder. That’s not to say that he won’t revert to himself at a different juncture but right now (and you know that most of these men don’t think too far ahead), she seems ‘different’. It’s as simple as this. If you met an attached guy and stood by his side whilst he went home to his wife, he’d mark you down for it. If you met an attached guy who when he disclosed the fact that he was in a relationship, you told him to take a run and jump and kept telling him to go and to come back when he’s got his house in order, he’d actually have greater respect for you. Not every woman puts up with poor behaviour from men. They recognise red flags, have clear boundaries and know when to opt out because they recognise that these men are no good. These are the ones that these foolish men will pursue and often lose their minds over. If you’re a Fallback Girl, they’ll slink back to you in between… author,, Natalie Lue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 (edited) Ok, again, you are not understanding me. When he got MARRIED......I stayed away from him for two years! so no, i didn't want to be aport of his life with his wife. I PUSHED HIM AWAY! OUT OF MY LIFE.. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM ANYMORE. No you don't understand. A best friend would not stay away from their friend for 2 years because their friend got married and the pain is too great to face. That is not a best friend. That is someone who is in love with someone who married another. then he comes up with this crap on how HE WANTS AND LOVES ME. this its not my fault. Did he say "how he wants you?" He wants you in a sexual way. Have you forgotten what he said when you asked him for divorce papers and he said just forget it then? Does that sound like a man who loves a woman and wants to be with her? Of he hadn't called me that night, I'd not be posting this right now..I'm not happy about this ok? I hates that one phone call or text from him can flip my whole world upside down. My head its telling me to move on, never see or speak to him again, but my heart keeps saying, no, hold on.you're gonna be with him one day. Again, after you asked for divorce papers he said no. He has admitted that he loves his wife and he's happy. So what chance do you think you have other than a role in the hay. And then he tells me those EXACT words. How can you not believe something you've been dying to hear for so long. I'm not a crazy delusional woman. I'm a realist. I'm smart, successful, i take care of my appearance, and most of all, i have a good heart. I don't want to hurt his wife. But i also don't want to hurt myself. And giving him up hurts me. He probably knows you have been waiting on those words. It doesn't matter that you have been dying to hear those words. What matters is actions behind those words. Why don't you do as WWIU suggested and tell him to tell his wife he loves you and wants to divorce her to be with you? It seems you have made up your mind to wait for him to divorce or more than likely you will end up in an affair with him. Did you at least ask him why he is telling you this after 2 years? I wouldn't be surprised if his wife isn't already pregnant. IDK but I have to ask what do you want from the good people here at Loveshack? Edited October 23, 2012 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 He texted me asking if i got the pic. I didn't reply. Then he texted "i thought you said you weren't mad. Please talk to me".. I still haven't replied. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 Yrs, of course I've been with other guys. None of which could hold a candle to the way i feel for Josh. This is how you think. This is the mindset of many OWs. The SGs simply cannot compare to the MM guy. You have the mindset of an OW. You may not be his mistress now because you are a young woman. If you were in your late 30s and divorced you would be all over this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Mad about what? About the phone call we had yesterday morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 I called him yesterday and told him i didn't want an affair that i wanted more then that and he pretty much told me to "take care"...then he texted me later to apologize Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 24, 2012 Share Posted October 24, 2012 This is how you think. This is the mindset of many OWs. The SGs simply cannot compare to the MM guy. You have the mindset of an OW. You may not be his mistress now because you are a young woman. If you were in your late 30s and divorced you would be all over this guy. This is how affairs work, Pierre. Why would it be worth the trouble and the risk if the person doesn't make your heart skip a few bits? Link to post Share on other sites
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